OOM: The Saga of Todd, Part 3
Leena's Bed and Breakfast
Unnamed Unincorporated Settlement
South Dakota
Possibly the best part of having a boyfriend is the part with the makeouts. But even then...
"My lips can't focus," Claudia says. "I'm too excited."
"Me too," Todd says.
"I know! The Warehouse is finally getting a computer upgrade!"
"...Right. The IRS warehouse where you work. Exciting. Very exciting." Todd kisses her again, and it's not that Claudia's not interested, it's just that--
"I know, right? That place has been running on a first-gen 8-bit GUI since like the Stone Ages." When she realises Todd's just kinda staring at her blankly, she facepalms. "I'm so sorry, I keep forgetting you're not a high-tech kind of guy."
He takes it well, at least. "Hey, I'm pumped if you're pumped. But my computer skills go as far as getting new ringtones for my cell phone."
"Aww, you're cute for a Luddite." She kisses him again, but before she can get caught up in the moment, she catches sight of the clock. "--oh! Yikes, I'm late. We got this guy coming in to install the new system," she says, as Todd puts his glasses back on, "mucky-muck from some place called Global Dynamics?" She thinks she's heard of the place before, in passing, but she can't place it. Probably some Internet conspiracy theory that was closer to the mark than anyone knows, then.
Hey, much like her job!
"Catch up later?"
"I could bring lunch," Todd offers.
"Crustless PB&J, Twinkies and Doritos?"
"And an orange for fiber."
Claudia grins. "mmm. That's why I loves me some Todd." With that, she all but bounces out the door.
***
Artie's office
Warehouse 13
South Dakota
So Claudia wasn't expecting the Global Dynamics mucky-muck to be closer to her age than Artie's and... actually kinda cool. Sure, Doug's dorky, but who in the Warehouse isn't dorky?
She also wasn't expecting the computer upgrade to get completely hijacked by a long-abandoned AI with a terrible leisure suit (to say nothing of the Tom Selleck mustache) that's declared the Warehouse agents a catastrophic failure and locked them out of the computers and in the building.
And of course, in the middle of trying to figure out what this Hugo Miller dude did to himself that's left them in a classic HAL 9000 sort of bind, her phone rings. "Todd?"
"Hey. Where are you? Your Doritos are getting cold."
"Shoot. Uh, I'm sorry--" Claudia grasps at straws for a bit; how do you tell your boyfriend who doesn't know about your job that you're dealing with a psychotic computer takeover? "Got a bit of an emergency here. I'm gonna have to reschedule lunch."
"Um, okay, no problem. Maybe dinner?"
Claudia sighs. "God I hope so."
And then, Doug butts in. "Who's that?"
"Nobody."
"I'm nobody?" Todd says.
"No, you're Todd! This is Todd," she says to Doug, before trying to turn her attention back to the phone. "I can't talk right now--"
"Who's that?"
"Nobody."
Doug looks miffed. "I'm nobody?"
"No!" She sighs again. "I - I can't do this. I'm gonna have to call you--" And then her signal fuzzes out in a way it hasn't done in weeks, since she had a look into boosting the Warehouse's cell reception. "Back?"
Seems that Hugo One and his hologramatic self decided to interfere. "External communication is for Warehouse business only."
She's really starting to hate this computer.
"So who's Todd?" Doug says.
"Uh. A guy. A friend. A guy friend. It's not serious. Why?"
"Falcon-Scott Protocol initiated," Hugo One says, before Doug gets a chance to explain himself; Claudia turns to Artie and says, "What's Falcon-Scott Protocol?"
"The Warehouse drops to sub-zero temperatures to protect the Artifacts."
"And... what happens to us?"
As if on cue - knowing this stupid computer, it probably is on cue - the fan Claudia's standing directly under starts blasting cold air. Gee, good thing they all have coats on hand.
***
Allentown 22-C
Warehouse 13
South Dakota
The good news: Claudia and Doug have found a likely culprit for how Hugo Miller got his AI to work, so if Myka and Pete can make it back with Hugo himself, they just might stand a chance of fixing this insanity.
The bad news: Hugo One doesn't seem to like this plan, and has booted up Doug's housekeeping robots (that for some reason come equipped with flamethrowers? The hell kind of housekeeping did he think they'd be doing???); they've been backed into a corner by the stupid MARAs.
"All right, come on," she says. "We're the two biggest technobrains in the Dakotas and we're totally getting our asses kicked by Colossus!"
"...Hey, that ring you were using earlier amplifies natural energy, right? Do you think it would work on something inorganic?"
"Like for instance?"
Doug pulls his laser pistol out of whatever pocket he'd been storing it in. "A laser."
Claudia grins. "Marry me."
After they get the ring fitted on the muzzle of the laser pistol, Doug says, "We should have about a minute before the battery pack completely drains."
"Hey, if we die? It's been fun." And then the MARAs are on them again, and they respond the way that only geeks can.
"Twenty years practicing in front of the mirror for the best four seconds of my life!" Doug says, as Claudia turns off the laser pistol and takes the ring back.
"We rule!"
And then, all of a sudden, they're snogging. Claudia definitely didn't plan it, and she really doesn't mind at all, but--
"I like Todd," she blurts out when Doug pulls away, and she feels a little guilty when he looks crushed by that.
"I... had a totally different thought there."
"No, I mean... I'm really sorry. I like you, Fargo, I do, but when we kissed I was totally thinking of Todd. I really like him. He's not just some guy, he's the guy I think about when I possibly kiss guys I just met." She smiles a little, and punches Doug on the shoulder. "Still cool, right?"
Doug nods.
"Good. Let's find the zoetrope and get it to Artie."
***
Leena's Bed and Breakfast
Unnamed Unincorporated Settlement
South Dakota
It's really, really late by the time they finally get Hugo's project sorted out. Turns out what he tried to do was upload his brain into the mainframe, but the Artifact he was using to do it only got him halfway there. Anyway, he's entirely human again, Doug's taking him back to Oregon, it's all over but the very, very belated, not even dinner at this point date. But at least Todd said he could still come over, when she called and said she was finally emergency-free; she's waiting in the B&B's living room when he comes in.
"Hey."
"Hey," she says. "Thank you for coming. I'm sorry, I'm sooo sorry we got cut off earlier. Something huge came up and I--"
"It's okay." Todd goes quiet; there's a bit of that awkward silence that they really haven't had in a couple weeks now. She'd been starting to think they were through with that. "Um... listen, there's something I need to tell you."
"Me too. Um... look, I'm sorry I've been such a flake lately. My head's been in a weird place, but I recently got some clarity--"
"I don't think it's a good idea for me to see you anymore," Todd says. "I'm sorry."
He leaves without explaining why, or in fact saying anything else; Claudia just... kind of sits down heavily on the couch.
Well, shit.