(no subject)
It was a shame, really. All these long years containing nothing but memories of the foreboding future, and now here we were, standing at ground zero.
Or something like it.
Shantala leaned close to me, her voice a hoarse whisper. "Do you see it?" she asked me, and I felt her clutch at my sleeve. "Please tell me you see it."
"I see it." I swallowed anxiously, my saliva cold and thick as it sloshed down my throat. My breath kept catching itself in my chest.
"Well?" she panted, tugging on my arm. "What does it say? What does it mean? What's the answer?"
I didn't respond. Didn't want to.
"Xirtrian!" she hissed, standing in front of me and shaking me by my shirt. "Goddamnit, answer me!"
"I don't know," I muttered. "I can't read it."
She stared at me. She blinked.
Something indistinguishable ran through those smokey silver-blue eyes. It looked like a cross between hope, doubt, desperation, and fear. "No," she breathed, releasing her hold on me. "No. You're lying."
Of course I was. I could read it just fine. Didn't mean she should know. Ignorance is bliss, they say, and in this situation that was definitely the case.
I let her register the reality of what I said, let her hope drown in itself as she sobbed once and bit her lip, closing her glistening eyes. "No," she whispered, exhaling sharply as she struggled to keep herself from crying. "No."
I stood there, unsure of what to do. It was difficult for me to take this seriously--mainly because it was a lie, but also because I had closed off all emotion since Oxiandi's death.
Shantala suddenly wrapped her arms around my waist, burying her face into my chest. "It isn't fair, we came all this way and there's no turning back now, but--but how are we going to move on, Xirtrian? How can we continue if we don't know?"
I held her as she cried, my face blank.
I wanted to tell her, but I figured it was better this way. Even if I did know what it said--which I did--we couldn't go any further anyway. But she wouldn't want to hear that, wouldn't want to give up.
That's just the way she was.
After she finally got herself together and stopped crying, she... didn't let go.
"Shantala," I murmured, rubbing her back slightly. "Shantala?"
She mumbled something into my chest and nuzzled my neck.
Annoyed by the gesture and getting more and more exasperated, I spoke a little louder. "Shantala, we have to keep moving."
"Mmmokay," she said quietly.
She still didn't move.
"Can I ask, in the nicest way possible, just what the fuck you're doing?"
She giggled pleasantly, squeezing me tighter. "Let's just stand here like this for a while."
"How about no--"
She leaned up and kissed me.
I really have no idea what exactly my reaction was to that. At first I wanted to hurt her, then I got confused, then I liked it, then I got mad at myself, then I went completely blank and had no idea what to say. I finally calmed down a few seconds later.
We paused, staring at each other for a moment. "What was that for?" I asked hesitantly.
She shrugged, biting her lip and smiling.
"Hmmm well in that case, let's do it again."
Or something like it.
Shantala leaned close to me, her voice a hoarse whisper. "Do you see it?" she asked me, and I felt her clutch at my sleeve. "Please tell me you see it."
"I see it." I swallowed anxiously, my saliva cold and thick as it sloshed down my throat. My breath kept catching itself in my chest.
"Well?" she panted, tugging on my arm. "What does it say? What does it mean? What's the answer?"
I didn't respond. Didn't want to.
"Xirtrian!" she hissed, standing in front of me and shaking me by my shirt. "Goddamnit, answer me!"
"I don't know," I muttered. "I can't read it."
She stared at me. She blinked.
Something indistinguishable ran through those smokey silver-blue eyes. It looked like a cross between hope, doubt, desperation, and fear. "No," she breathed, releasing her hold on me. "No. You're lying."
Of course I was. I could read it just fine. Didn't mean she should know. Ignorance is bliss, they say, and in this situation that was definitely the case.
I let her register the reality of what I said, let her hope drown in itself as she sobbed once and bit her lip, closing her glistening eyes. "No," she whispered, exhaling sharply as she struggled to keep herself from crying. "No."
I stood there, unsure of what to do. It was difficult for me to take this seriously--mainly because it was a lie, but also because I had closed off all emotion since Oxiandi's death.
Shantala suddenly wrapped her arms around my waist, burying her face into my chest. "It isn't fair, we came all this way and there's no turning back now, but--but how are we going to move on, Xirtrian? How can we continue if we don't know?"
I held her as she cried, my face blank.
I wanted to tell her, but I figured it was better this way. Even if I did know what it said--which I did--we couldn't go any further anyway. But she wouldn't want to hear that, wouldn't want to give up.
That's just the way she was.
After she finally got herself together and stopped crying, she... didn't let go.
"Shantala," I murmured, rubbing her back slightly. "Shantala?"
She mumbled something into my chest and nuzzled my neck.
Annoyed by the gesture and getting more and more exasperated, I spoke a little louder. "Shantala, we have to keep moving."
"Mmmokay," she said quietly.
She still didn't move.
"Can I ask, in the nicest way possible, just what the fuck you're doing?"
She giggled pleasantly, squeezing me tighter. "Let's just stand here like this for a while."
"How about no--"
She leaned up and kissed me.
I really have no idea what exactly my reaction was to that. At first I wanted to hurt her, then I got confused, then I liked it, then I got mad at myself, then I went completely blank and had no idea what to say. I finally calmed down a few seconds later.
We paused, staring at each other for a moment. "What was that for?" I asked hesitantly.
She shrugged, biting her lip and smiling.
"Hmmm well in that case, let's do it again."