(no subject)
“Tell me a secret.”
I didn’t respond. Didn’t know what to say. I pushed her forward on the swing when it came to me, staring blankly ahead as she swung forward, giggling with delight.
My mind wandered.
“Xirtrian,” her singsong voice chimed. “Xirtrian, tell me a secret, Xirtrian.”
Swing, swing, swing, swing, swing-silence.
“Xirtrian...”
It was cold. Cold and dark, I’m not sure why we were out. Where we were was familiar but had no name, only memory. That single lamppost over the asphalt. The snow-covered ground. The crisp air, the snowflakes drifting, the trees that stretched on into forever, the star-filled black sky, the moons-
The silence.
I said nothing and listened. The chains from the swing groaned with her movement, she laughed merrily, but everything sounded... far away. Distant. Surreal.
Break my fall, Xirtrian. Tell me a secret.
I blinked. The words echoed in my head, and when I went to push her in the swing again, my hands passed through air and the seat smacked against my chest. The chains rattled inharmoniously.
I didn’t move.
It was cold.
Cold and alone and where was I again.
Tell me a secret, Xirtrian. Xirtrian...
The silence.
I started walking away from the lamppost, toward the trees. It got darker each step I took. Darker and colder and quieter. I put my hands in my jacket pockets, wandering through the snow and listening as it crunched under my boots.
I walked.
And then I was at the ocean, it was lapping the shore, the snow on the sand dissolving as the water enveloped it. The water was cold. Cold and dark. I looked up, up at the stars, the hazy clouds drifting across the moons and I felt regret. Nostalgic tuggings at my heart made me sad, made me empty, and it was cold.
Cold and alone and where am I now.
Did she know? Did she miss me? Can she hear me now, can she feel?
The water washed over my feet and I said nothing. Just watched and listened and felt the cold in the air and the cold in the water and the cold in my heart. My empty broken heart.
Tell me a secret...
No, I mused. No, she didn’t know. She didn’t miss me; after all, how could she? And of course she couldn’t hear me, couldn’t feel... she was gone and alone and nowhere, nowhere at all.
Just like I am now.
I turned to go back. Thoughts tumbled in my head, drifting away with the tides I left behind. Let go...
But she stood there all the same, like I knew she would. Reaching to me, beckoning to me, that innocent smile on her face as she laughed, prancing to me in the snow.
“Tell me a secret, Xirtrian.”
I said nothing.
She ran to me, wrapped her arms around me, buried her face in my jacket and smiled as she clung to me. “Xirtrian, I love you Xirtrian. Tell me a secret.”
The silence.
I said nothing; did nothing. I did not return the hug. I knew if I did, she would be gone. Not that she was there now, but I could delude myself, couldn’t I? Or maybe it was all pointless to begin with, this being here. This living here. This dreaming here. Who knew where we had gone, our thoughts and memories and when we forgot it all...
How could I have let her die.
I love you, Xirtrian...
I didn’t respond. Didn’t know what to say. I pushed her forward on the swing when it came to me, staring blankly ahead as she swung forward, giggling with delight.
My mind wandered.
“Xirtrian,” her singsong voice chimed. “Xirtrian, tell me a secret, Xirtrian.”
Swing, swing, swing, swing, swing-silence.
“Xirtrian...”
It was cold. Cold and dark, I’m not sure why we were out. Where we were was familiar but had no name, only memory. That single lamppost over the asphalt. The snow-covered ground. The crisp air, the snowflakes drifting, the trees that stretched on into forever, the star-filled black sky, the moons-
The silence.
I said nothing and listened. The chains from the swing groaned with her movement, she laughed merrily, but everything sounded... far away. Distant. Surreal.
Break my fall, Xirtrian. Tell me a secret.
I blinked. The words echoed in my head, and when I went to push her in the swing again, my hands passed through air and the seat smacked against my chest. The chains rattled inharmoniously.
I didn’t move.
It was cold.
Cold and alone and where was I again.
Tell me a secret, Xirtrian. Xirtrian...
The silence.
I started walking away from the lamppost, toward the trees. It got darker each step I took. Darker and colder and quieter. I put my hands in my jacket pockets, wandering through the snow and listening as it crunched under my boots.
I walked.
And then I was at the ocean, it was lapping the shore, the snow on the sand dissolving as the water enveloped it. The water was cold. Cold and dark. I looked up, up at the stars, the hazy clouds drifting across the moons and I felt regret. Nostalgic tuggings at my heart made me sad, made me empty, and it was cold.
Cold and alone and where am I now.
Did she know? Did she miss me? Can she hear me now, can she feel?
The water washed over my feet and I said nothing. Just watched and listened and felt the cold in the air and the cold in the water and the cold in my heart. My empty broken heart.
Tell me a secret...
No, I mused. No, she didn’t know. She didn’t miss me; after all, how could she? And of course she couldn’t hear me, couldn’t feel... she was gone and alone and nowhere, nowhere at all.
Just like I am now.
I turned to go back. Thoughts tumbled in my head, drifting away with the tides I left behind. Let go...
But she stood there all the same, like I knew she would. Reaching to me, beckoning to me, that innocent smile on her face as she laughed, prancing to me in the snow.
“Tell me a secret, Xirtrian.”
I said nothing.
She ran to me, wrapped her arms around me, buried her face in my jacket and smiled as she clung to me. “Xirtrian, I love you Xirtrian. Tell me a secret.”
The silence.
I said nothing; did nothing. I did not return the hug. I knew if I did, she would be gone. Not that she was there now, but I could delude myself, couldn’t I? Or maybe it was all pointless to begin with, this being here. This living here. This dreaming here. Who knew where we had gone, our thoughts and memories and when we forgot it all...
How could I have let her die.
I love you, Xirtrian...