old entries, part 3
Tuesday, November 26th, 2002
3:27 am - the game of risk rules Protected
I played risk again for the 2nd night in a row(and kicked ass both nights). It was cool, and now I'm beginning to flirt with carol. If it works out with her, awesome, if not she's an awesome flirt buddy :). My roomie really needs to be less arrogant playing risk, he might actually then stand the chance of beating me...or not :). I'm so pysced, Brian is home and I get to see him tomorrow(ok, later tonight) Ginger is also gonna be in town again which is always fun. For the first time in my life though, I'm not excited to see her as a potential to date her, I think I'm finally over her(just took a few years and a long term relationship thrown in there). I'm going to be applying to other universities soon, and I hope to god its the right decision. I feel like I'm finally able to decide what I want to do and am capable of doing it. I'm pulling off grades that I haven't gotten since middle school(translation, 2 A's, 2 B's) The feeling is awesome. I feel empowered and my bouts of mild depression are becoming rarer and rarer. I love my friends and would be at a loss without them. sleep time for me :)
current mood: rapturous
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Friday, November 22nd, 2002
9:12 pm - chem and whatnot Protected
blah, did better on my chem test this time around 16/20 I still need to do better and what not. Anyway, I finished my chem test ran into christina and walked with her over to law, then miranda preceded to be her usual self-aborsbed bitch self went in, took everyone around but me with her and preceded to make it very clear I was not welcome, went back to my dorm where I was suppose to watch a movie with some friends tonight, but they disappear to who the hell knows where and so i'm stuck in my room fuming for what truly are ridiculous reasons and yet i still get really psssed off. why do i need others to justify I'm a good person. I don't want it to be that way but the fact remains I don't trust myself to pass that judgement. And so when friends blow me off I take it as a slap in the face. I interpet it to mean "you aren't worth our time we don't enjoy being around you" and then ig et in this psssed off bitchy mood for no reason. I become temperamental and get mad at myself. Oh well, at least i'm passing chem. now.
current mood: depressed
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Thursday, November 21st, 2002
2:24 am - more random thoughts from my internal peanut gallery Protected
i'm tire this will be short.
I go on about relationships too much.
I'm always horny, its slightly annoying
I want a friggin fun fling
I want a friggin long term relationship
I want to know if I should stay at UH
i want to get good grades
I want to get a doctrate degree
I want to be finished with school starting now
i want to be in the real world
I want college to go on forever
ok I'm full of contradictions right now
current mood: tired
current music: tracy chapman - start on over
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Thursday, November 14th, 2002
7:17 pm - hmm Protected
My life is good hy can't I apreciate it? the human mind strives for a rationality that it loves to spurn and ignore as soon as it has been achieved. thats life I guess. I'm doing well in all my classes, and I'm wanting to ask out 2 different girls. I can't seem to find the guts/time to do either. I'm still in love with ginger but that will prolly never change. One girl I don't know all that well, she is gorgeous and seems intelligent. the other girl is really cute, not gorgeous but really really cute and one of the smartest and most energetic people I know. I have this dreadful feeling neither one is really interested which is prolly why I haven't asked either one out yet. I like merideth's personality but I don't find her attractive at all :/. I really don't know what to do, I guess continue to play it safe and be single and continue to fight off my depression that has never gone away completely. I don't trust my family with that information and there is nothing more my friends can do, really it isn't all that bad. Parts of life i still enjoy, and it gets continually easier to enjoy and yet part of me just can't truly smile
current mood: depressed
current music: simon and garfunkal - concert in the park
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Monday, October 21st, 2002
1:09 am - antisocial
oddness, at times I feel the incredible urge to be anti-social and not be around anyone save one or two ppl, and those happen to be very specific ppl I unfortunately do not get to spend much time with. I don't know why I feel like this at times, doens't make me feel particularly good, but I feel even worse when I'm around ppl. So much of my energy I spend interacting with other ppl, too often I depend on other ppl to remind myself, but remind myself about what? I wish I knew.
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Monday, September 9th, 2002
2:50 am - hmm Private
I have a dull sense of horror and depression.
A paranoia of sorts runs through my body
my gut feels tipsy turvey in the omnious world
why?
why?
why?
current mood: bewildered
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Sunday, September 1st, 2002
1:56 am - really stupid Private
tonight I did something that was debately stupid, in so many words I revealed to ginger whats been going through my mind, or at least blatantly hinted at it....she took it pretty well but my fears are true...its a one way street and we are heading in different directions on it. why is it every girl I really am interested, i'm not just talking about lust, but truly like knowing that it could easily evolve/involve true love doesn't see me that way....
There is not just one person that is absolutely right for another person, but only one person at a time can truly be loved. Loving someone is way to exhausting to be able to love more than one person at a time, but I've found 2 people in my life I'm interested in and one person I sorta half dated for awhile and the other I've never dated....why the fuck do I care so much? Am I simply an incredibly horny person? Am i just that afraid to be alone? I wish I knew, oh well..
current mood: bewildered
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Thursday, August 15th, 2002
12:27 am - weeee :)
Past two days have been awesome. I've been really busy at work, but I've also been thanked and told how valuable to equal the amount of work I do. It's awesome feeling apreciated.
on another random note, I'm incredibly happy because a water gun that normally costs $35 was selling for $6.50....the gun is big *evil grin*
had two really awesome nights with friends, those kind of nights where you think "damn I have some really awesome friends" Last night I went to play pool with Brian and Evanne. Not certain if evanne realized it, but she really made my day the other night...just an old joke between us and a few other things....was a really fun night.
Spent most of tonight hanging out with rachael...she is such a sweetie...always makes me laugh....cool friend to have...and saw a really good movie as well
i'm hyper and truthfully avoiding packing oh well
current mood: hyper
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Tuesday, August 6th, 2002
10:28 pm - bleh
I've been plannning a trip to my beach house with friends all summer. At the beginning of the summer I had 9 people who said "yes I can go" that number has slowly dwindled down. I was still planning on going except now the bnumber is down to 1 person and it would just be a bit weird just the two of us going. Sigh this really sux big time. When crap like this happens it makes me wonder if my friends really do enjoy hanging around me. I know its really stupid and they still do, but god damnit, why the fuck couldn't ppl figure out they can't come sooner then oh 4 days before hand and cause me to cancel the entire trip. grrrrr oh well, lack fo sleep doens't help either
current mood: angry
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Saturday, August 3rd, 2002
2:31 pm - interesting
Last night I had fun. Its been awhile since I got out and felt like I had done anything all that active. I went to shabbat dinner at sarah's house and afterwards went to see holly sing at fitzgearld. There were perhaps a bit too many bellaire people that I don't particularly relate to all that well present, but I had fun none the less. After that I hung out with a friend . supposely was a big party, but turns out they were all recovering from the previous night. I enjoyed listening to the stories of what happened though. Only problem is I woke up today feeling like shit. All the smoke was got to me and I'm guessing the shot of tequila didn't help, but then again it was just one shot and didn't effect me, oh well. I had fun and my hearing is almost back to normal
current mood: happy
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Monday, July 29th, 2002
6:25 pm - hmm
it occured to me I really on write in here when I'm feeling an extrme of emotion. So I decided that I'd write an entry when about the only possible emotion I'm remotely feeling is perhaps a bit of boredom. You see I went into work today to find out I didn't have to work today, that was fine with me :). So I went home and fooled around on the computer and ran a few errands, actually has been a decent day. Every once and awhile its just nice having a day where absolutely nothing out of the norm happens. Every day would like this would be kinda boring, but having one or two days(maybe 3-4 days) a week like this are always nice :)
current mood: content
current music: Paul Simon - Diamons on the soles of hershoes
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Friday, July 26th, 2002
3:58 pm - WOOP
I HAVE A BRAIN AGAIN.
ok so actually all I have is a functional pda again, but to me that is as good as having a brain!
current mood: hyper
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Thursday, July 25th, 2002
12:11 am - The Lion King
Ever have one of those moment of complete and utter bliss and pleasure. I feel compelled to share a few of mine. The most prominent total bliss and pleasure I can think of many will guess, Perdido. Specificly lying in the hammoc witha warm summer breeze blowing in off the bay, lazily falling asleep with a good book knowing that my family is close at hand but not actually around me. I am as content as I can possibly be I can think of no improvements. Another time, lying in the arms of a loved one just being held or holding in my arms someone that I love. I can feel the other persons emotions and essence simply through touch. The persons breathing style, be it short breaths or long deep breaths or a sigh and a yawn, I feel incredibly connected. Once again I can think of no way to improve the situation, it is _perfect_. The next one some might think as odd. They are a small small, microscopic even, step below the first two but still wonderful. A really good musical and/or movie. So far I've experienced two that have put me in a state of bliss and awe and giddiness, both fairly recently. The first time was a movie, Amelie. I walked out of that movie with a silly grin on my face unable to control my slight but constant laughter and grin. I had no choice but to be happy, the movie is so simple and yet so elegant. It forces one to relize and enjoy all the wonderufl little things in life. I was giddy for a good hour ot two afterwards first time I saw the movie(i've seen it 4 times since and bought it on dvd...all 4 times have had the same effect on me...well slightly diminished but not by much). The 2nd thing to cause this effect on me was the musical The Lion King. The opening scene/act(calling it a mere scene seems demening actually) blew me away. The costumes the sound effects, the imagery of it all, the timing, it blew me away. :)
current mood: blissful
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Monday, July 22nd, 2002
9:19 pm - blah
"be yourself" thats what everyone is supposed to do right? I love being myself, the only problem is when being yourself annoys other people. I do that quite frequently actually. I'm not completely certain what part of me annoys the hell out of people, but part of my personality drives some people crazy, to the point that they don't want to talk to me. Unfortunately I can't ever figure out when I am annoying people and when I'm not. I love my friends and i'm pretty certain they enjoy my company most of the time.....grrr its just so frustrating constantly not knowing if the person I'm talking to is just tolerating me or genuinely enjoying my company. Being the person I am i'd much rahter not be around people who are simply tolerating me. I hate the idea of being a nusiance or being the cause of annoyance to others, and yet half the time that seems to be the only thing I do is annoy my friends...i'm lucky they are all polite about it(as in they don't usually say a thing, they just figure out how to no longer talk to me or what not). I wish I could appologize for being annoying, but then i'm forced to ask myself, why do I need to appologize for who I am. Then i ask myself if who I am annoys people more often then not then I guess I need to change myself if I truly want to interact with other humans, which of course I do. hmmm, me rambling again, me with bad grammar again.
hmmmr, in a nutshell I annoy my friends, my friends tolerate me most of the time, I occationally notice, I get mad at myself for annoying them and wonder what to do. fact is i have no clue what to do...oh well I guess just keep annoying ppl until they are so fed up with me they stop tolerating them....blah this is a crappy way to live life, oh well.
current mood: distressed
current music: Led Zeppelin - Rock & Roll
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Thursday, July 11th, 2002
6:00 pm - parents
I'm the odd kid out in the world, I get along great with my parents and I've always been able to do what I want, for the most part. I think I've turned out pretty well so far. My big beef is with other ppl's parents.
From an incredibly selfish stand point: too often things go awry because of my friend's parents. About half of them seem totally over bearing and restrictive...to the point that I sometimes am continually amazed I've managed to maintain a friendship with the person. the other half isn't as bad, but not great either. Way too often my plans have been severely restricted/broken off completely for no other reason then parents feeling the need to make their child's life miserable. Yes I'm certain they are trying to do what is best for the child, but sheesh, c'mon....just because you are trying to do the right thing doesn't mean you are doing the right thing, in some cases you might even be causing harm. It is not always enough to simply try to do the right thing, you have to actually do the right thing.
Unfortuantley one of my great faults is caring too much about those who are close to me. If they aren't happy or shit is happening in their lives, it perpetutates to me. Oddly enough I often get angrier at my friend's parents then they ever do. I know when I was dating sarah, I frequently became highly annoyed with her dad for some of rules he imposed on his daughter. I can truthfully only think of maybe one or two isntances were I havne't gotten more mad then my friend actually did.
*sigh* when will parents learn they cna't protect us from everything, that eventually they have to let us go do whatever the fuck we want to do, even if that is something that will eventually backfire on us. How the hell are we suppose to learn how to live if we are never allowed to live. Parents should try letting their kids go, they might just find they do like to roam around quite a bit, but that we will almost always want to return to our 'rents eventually.
*sigh* enough rambling/ranting
current mood: annoyed
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Wednesday, July 10th, 2002
9:24 pm - woop! :)
I just got back from walking/jogging. Rather then wander my way through meyerland like I normally do. Instead i felt like going through my old neighborhood. I ended up walking first to the bellaire rec center and circled that and went by my elementary school and cut over back to evergreen and walked down to pitnam park and walked the trail in the park, and I jogged back home from there. I don't know what it is, but it was just such great weather, rained today so it was cooler then usual, nice smell, lots of trees, fun childhood memories, and on top of that I am leaving for perdido in a matter of days! I LOVE that place so much.
I'm trying my hardest to get my friends to go see it. I mean some of the closest ppl to me who I really want to go haven't ever been! That just isn't right. its weird, when I find something I cherish so much, I want to share it with my friends more than anything else. Hopefully that will happen soon.
working out just causes ppl to be happier I think, I almost always feel good after working out. ramble ramble ramble :) ok enough fo that, I wasn't able to work out long enough so now I have pent up energy(if I had jogged for maybe another 10-20 minutes I would be back to normal hyper level oh well I get to be bouncing off tyhe walls for the rest of the night hehehe, fun fun!
current mood: gleeful
current music: Message in a Bottle-The Police-Every Breath You Take: The Classics
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2:38 am - d'oh!
sometimes I just need to learn to keep my mouth shut. Particurlarly when it comes to having two friends who really do NOT like each other....being the type of person I am I usually know quite a bit about each of the ppl involved...always makes me feel really odd, oh well I haven't really skrewd up in situations like this in a long time(well over a year) just is extremely frustrating at times being quiet when my nature is to say exactly what I'm thinking
current mood: good
current music: Mr E's Beautiful Blues-The Eels
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Monday, July 8th, 2002
6:41 pm - oddness
Normally I'm not someone who enjoys being alone very much. I normally love hanging out in groups, and constnatly doing things. Most likely thats because unless I'm hanging out with friends, I am by myself. Yes, I do live at home with my family, but if I'm at home, they leave me alone, completely.
Every once and awhile though I go through phases of completely and utterly not wanting contact with anyone save extremely close friends, anything else almost instantly gets on my nerves.
I got to thinking about why I actually sometime just want to be by myself and am truly at a loss, just a mystery that will remain unanswered for quite some time. I guess my brain eventually just gets over loaded.
current mood: sleepy
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Sunday, July 7th, 2002
10:54 am - random thoughts Private
I sit here wide awake, I can't sleep, too much other crap going on in my head.
I'm scared to death of losing ginger all over again. I'm scared any wrong move, anything I say wrong and poof, she'll disappear from my life again. I don't know if I can handle that happening *again*.
I wish I knew why that girl means so much to me. It must be something more than our past, I have histories with other people and yet, none of them seem quite as important.
The memories I have daily are becoming more and more vivid. Memories that I have no choice but to face again.
ginger has always been here for me, even when she wasn't and frankly I'm just thoughly and utterly confused, scared to be friends with her. BLAH WRITING IS GETTING ME NO WHERE.
ever since all the crap happened between us my senior year, I feel as if I've been wondering aimlessly. My wake up call was alecia. They have so many similar qualities, and yet are so different. Alecia woke up within me part of myself I thought I had killed off, the part of me that actually gives a damn, the part of me that wasn't constnatly cynical. The part of me I had shut off after I fianlly gave up on ginger.
current mood: awake
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2:30 am - realization
something that occured to me tonight...what I'm truly afraid of. People who I care for and love suddenly disappearing from my life. I've had it happen to me before, or at least seem to happen to me before, and it really sucked. When the person comes back into my life, I feel incredible, but also anxious....
I feel this need to absorb as much of the person as possible because of a constant fear that any second now, the person will be gone again out of my life for who the hell knows how long, and that just scares me. I can live with it, but life is so much better when you don't have to live without it.
Saw a movie tonight that was really awesome, I wish I can remember the title though......lets just say the movie freaked the hell out of me by the end.
current mood: anxious
current music: Sunday-Louis Jordan-No Moe! Louis Jordan: The Greatest Hits
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Saturday, July 6th, 2002
1:57 am - memories are evil Private
memories at times can be incredibly evil. I just finished watching chasing amy for the umpteenth time. Ever since I saw the movie with ginger and omer, any time i see the movie I can't help but remember the evening and the weekend and weeks that followed it. At times, part of my memory is so incredibly vivid, its as if it happened maybe 5 mins ago....
I remember so many awesome things, I remember sharing some incredible moment with ginger at the park on top of the car, I remember, just hanging out at parks, so many things...i remember the worst part also.....I remember running from her house, seeing the look of pain on her face, and just keep on going...later to find out I had run over her foot.
so many things I remember, both good and bad, and its driving me crazy. I've never been able to get over ginger, NEVER, why the fuck is that...I wish I knew but oh well....one of these days we will have to sit down and figure it out, will that be this summer, hell even this decade. whatever it is, i'm determined to remain in her life no matter what *sigh* I still love her and always will love her, but how do I love her, that is a good question, oh welll
current mood: mournful
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Friday, July 5th, 2002
3:33 pm - random thought
evidently the patriotic and american thing to do on the 4th of july is eat way too much food, I have yet to talk to anyone who didn't eat too much food on the 4th
current mood: horny
current music: Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes-Paul Simon-Graceland
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12:48 pm - friends
I realized recently I have an incredible number of friends. I love doing stuff with friends, constantly hanging out with them, or at least certain ones. I'm forced to wonder what it is that makes friends so appealing. Some friends I love hanging around but only once and awhile, other friends I feel as thought I can never get enough of them. I hang out with them all day or for a few hours and as soon as the person leaves, I miss them, and wish to be around them again. I'm not quite certain what determines why I feel closer to certain people. Its definitely not the amount of time I spend with someone. For some people I spend quite a bit of time with them and I don't feel all that close to them. There are a few ppl I spend a lot of time with and I feel incredibly close to. Yet, there are other friends who i see maybe once or twice a month if I'm lucky, and I talk to not that much more often, and I feel just as close to them, if not closer.
and onto other things:
Yesterday was awesome. I woke up, went to see MIB II w/ sarah and her family and family friends. I had lunch over there as well, good food :)(good food being a recurring theme). Came home and hung out with my family for a few hours which is always fun. More really good food(my dad grilled up some steaks that were actually of decent quality for once...he normally buys the cheapest of cheap meat *bleh*) Becky brought with her this guy she recently started dating, he seemed cool enough(not that my opinion really counts in the matter, but me liking the guy is always a plus). After dinner made an attempt to call a few friends who lived close by, brian, michelle, tina(carlos was with her), ginger, and evanne. couldn't get a hold of brian until i went home from the evening, he had been down the street at another friend's house. Evanne had already gone out for the evening and ginger, well she is ginger, no such thing as spur of the moment doing stuff with her(or evanne also for that matter). At any rate, michelle, tina, carlos, and michelle's brother and I all went to watch the fireworks and then off to katz's deli, they have a really good dessert called the chocolate eruption...unfortunately the waitor felt compelled to to say "thats what they used to call me when I was a porn star" when i ordered it(yes he was black). At any rate I had a blast night.
current mood: discontent
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Wednesday, July 3rd, 2002
5:40 pm - sleep does a body good
its amazing how different one feels after getting a good nights sleep
for the past few nights i havne't been getting enough sleep, I was able to sleep in today, and predictably, i'm not depressed or stressing about much of anything. I always forget that I get stressed out and slightly depressed when i havne't gotten enough sleep. Yea all the stuff i worry about while being sleep deprived is still there, I just am able to put that stuff in proportion to the rest of my life. Even the worries I have i'm able to dispell with a good nights sleep(such as the fact I know my friends do love me and what not)
on another odd note, had a really weird dream last night. I don't remember anything about it, except what was weird about it was that Addriene Sac was in it. This is odd because I havne't even talked to the girl in over a year or even seen her for that matter. I haven't talked to anyone who has tlaked to her recently, she just randomly appeared in my dream....weird
current mood: silly
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Tuesday, July 2nd, 2002
10:49 pm - contemplation, blast it!
friend of mine asked me tonight if something out of the ordinary has been bugging me lately...got me to thinking *ugh*(I hate it when I actually conciously think way to exhausting and scary as hell)
made me realize just how worried I am about how I am perceived by others. More specifically how a few particular individuals that I revere beyond belief look at me. For instance, 3 people in particular I really wanted to come to my party. Of those 3, 2 came and the other tried seriously to get there. The two that did come where the ones I really wanted to come the most. During my party I know they were having fun, but I couldn't help wonder what they thought of me. One friend I am pretty certain thinks of me as a great guy who can be relied upon and what not...but even with him I have my doubts. the other I am constantly wondering about....what does she think about me, are my actions annoying her, not annoying her, does she think of me as close of a friend as I do her.....pretty much every imaginable question. When it comes down to it, i'm constantly fighting myself about thinking the absolute worse...
I know its not true...... every time time I talk to the friend she reaffirms the fact its a load of hog wash and yet I still really don't know....its driving me crazy not knowing how exactly i'm perceived and how people feel about me. I know I know I base way too much of my own happiness and life around what other people's lives...sometimes its as if I don't myself actually have a life, and as a result I try to live and help other people's life...or I do have a life i'm just afraid to really live it, really try to live it because I'm afraid to see how I would do if I really tried. If you don't try you can hold the theory of "I know I can do it, so why do I need to prove it?
*sigh* I love my friends so dearly, they mean so much to me, and I'm never certain if they really love me back.....once again I fall back upon my old enemy, I FUCKING HATE UNCERTAINTY! and yet that is what life is all about, a bunch of uncertainty and surprises(both good and bad)
current mood: distressed
current music: Rain-Yoko Kanno-Cowboy Bebop OST 1
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Sunday, June 30th, 2002
1:45 pm - weeeeee
I had a party last night. I think it went really well. Everyone seemed to be having fun. Good music, fun games of twister, cool friends - can't ask for much more. A few people I was hoping could make it weren't able to, but oh well.....of my closest to close friends, all were present so it roqed....
An amusing note, two ppl attending at the party evidently were the hottest around....several ppl came up to me and asked "so who is that hot girl" or something to that affect. One of them even said that about the other. always fun having really hot girls as friends :)
I'm going to post pictures from the party(mostly of ppl playing twister) sometime or another, not certain when I'll get them, i'll prolly put them on my own personal web server, claytonian.homeip.net.....and now i'm going to go take a nap, I justgg finished cleaning the house
current mood: cheerful
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Wednesday, June 26th, 2002
11:34 pm - Capacity
The human soul's ability to absorb what it does continually amazes me. At some point or another the soul is fed the same thing over and over and there is no telling if the it has accepted or rejected. No telling until you feed the soul something else, and amazingly enough there is room for the other thing and only then do you realize the soul is infinite in its ability to absorb...for better or worse(pardon the over used cliche). Often times when the soul's diet is changed, a person can then determine much more about what it was previously digesting.
on what is actually a tangent but seems totally off the wall at the same time, I came across a paper I wrote in high school. I'm tempted to take the paper and expand upon it, write a quasi-fiction to clarify the paper, make it less personal and post it for ppl to read. that will probably not happen but I just might.....
and on one last random though, it scares me sometime how a few of my friends will blindly support me and assume I'm right about anything...even when I know I messed up they will try to convince me I didn't mess up. I'm lucky as hell to have friends like that, but it scares the shit out of me sometimes
current mood: contemplative
current music: Nothing-Edie Brickell & New Bohemians-Shooting Rubberbands at the Stars
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Sunday, June 23rd, 2002
9:53 pm - grrrr deadjournal is slow(but hey its free)
well I think I finally figured out what bugs me so much about my ex....she's a great person she just inherently thinks of herself before anyone else with anything...yes yes I know self preservation and all but she doens't seem to be willing to make an effort or risk personal grief about much of anything.....I was one of the things she was willing to risk personal grief on for awhile so I mostly ignored it, however it always bugged me....I spent the evening with her tonight and came to the conclusion "sweet girl, but how the hec can you act like you care about so many things that aren't in your life...celebrities and what not...and simply blow off a best friend almost as if its nothing" hmm, her life I know, parts of her personality are really starting to bug me though so I'm guessing I'll be hanging around her less...prolly cause she really does not like some of my other really close friends...thinks they are not good for me...takes quite a bit of me not to simply say "fuck you".....
and on another unrelated note why can't I get my two other friends who i've prievously had crushes on out of my mind.......its more then horniness....just need to have someone.....just so much nicer....sometimes I don't know what I'm thinking or what I really want, when it comes to relationships and females that is a perfect example of how I really don't know what I want...
current mood: annoyed
current music: Slim Gailaird - Potato Chips
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4:32 am - weeeeeeeeeeee
grrr this stupid deadjournal thing is down too often...anyway I write this at 4 am in the morning. I had one of the most awesome evenings....friend of mine had her birthday today...she had a celebration(well dinner w/ friends followed by slick willies)...blah I feel like using really really bad grammar at the moment
at any rate I ended up talking to and laughing and just enjoying myself with this one friend who has been on and off throughout my high school career and has suddenly been very very on recently with the friendship which totally roqs....I must admit its a bit weird and almost strange....I can't help but feel I should be watching for something....and yet I have this even stranger, yet better feeling that I'm just paranoid at the moment.
wow my mind is random tonight
interestingly enough, this other girl called me tonight...some idiot guy had stood her up who she's been hooked up for a while....I almost feel sorry for the guy, never a good idea to stand this girl up...at any rate she called me up and wanted to see if I wanted to go to dinner(yea yea...kinda weird being the "backup" plans for the evening....) hopefully it'll happen again....she's a gorgeous girl and when she goes all out to make herself look good its quite amazing.....she's a great girl....actually had a small crush on her in high school...heh...still kinda do but not really so much any more, mostly another friend with a pretty face...brrrr its freezing in my room at the moment and its 4:30 am I'm going to bed and hopefully post this entry sometime soon...if deadjournal ever comes up again...if anyone wants to give me a livejournal authorization code for a free journal, email me, please! it is never down it seems, my email is clayg@eudoramail .com
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Friday, June 21st, 2002
10:50 am - first entry, woop Protected
Had dinner with an awsome friend last night just to discover I never really got over her, simply moved on for awhile out of nescity. At the end of the evening she gave me this really odd look and I have no clue what the look means which for me is really really strange. Normally I can figure out and interpet her body language incredibly well. I mean I have some clue what it means, just not much of one.
The first half of the evening was awsome. We went back to her house to watch a movie and hang out and then things slowly got a bit weird...or they did for me......she was thinking something and I just don't know what.....prolly occured to her that I never really got over her.....
and on that note I should know better than have any hope between the two of us....she's interested in another guy, totally turned off by relationships and what not. I'm still bitter about the crap that happened to me this semester...about the only thing I can really handle is easy going non-comitall relationship.....*sigh* oh well the summer will continue and life goes on...just wish I knew what she was thinking with that look at the door....I'll end up asking her next time I see her...who knows when that will be, I am constatly bugging her about getting together, it happens so rarely.
might have something to do with the fact she said I acted as a caregiver.....never really occured to me that was how I was viewed....primarily viewed and I'm wondering why...now that part disturbs me a little....nothing wrong with being a caregiver once and awhile, but constatly dirves me insane as well as others.....I guess if ppl block me out of one part of their life I refuse to be blocked out of their life completely and its damn hard to turn down a caregiver....hmm oh well, off to my day
current mood: contemplative