By Any Other Name - Primeval Fanfic - Part 2/3
Title: By Any Other Name Part 2/3
Author: Clea2011
Word Count: 10,704 total. This part 4,128
Characters: Becker/Connor, Jess, Lester, Danny, Philip, April, Ryan
Rating: 15
Spoilers: No
Warnings: No
Disclaimer: Primeval belongs to Impossible Pictures, I'm just writing for fun and non-profit.
A/N: For the
trope_bingo square au: royalty / aristocracy / feudal. Thanks to fififolle for the beta, and to celeste9 for all the Fairy Tale discussions.
Summary: This is a retelling of the Rumpelstiltskin fairy tale. It contains no mpreg, as requested by Celeste. It is very much crackfic.
Part One is here
Leek admired his handiwork then hopped through the newly-created anomaly before anyone else saw him. It had been a simple matter to use the anomaly opening device from the future to open a gateway to the world Connor wanted. All he had to do now was wait until the appropriate time and come back to claim his prize.
---
King Philip had gathered everyone together to witness Lester's humiliation. He stood outside the lab, enjoying the apprehensive look on his prime minister's face. At least he would never have to hear how wonderful Connor the temple foundling was ever again. Perhaps he'd be able to tell Lester how wonderful the young man was instead? Lester would certainly hate hearing about that.
Prince Hilary was still looking grumpy. He'd pointed out to his son on the way down that Hilary didn't really have a lot to worry about. Connor was hardly going to succeed in his impossible task, and if he did then Hilary would damned well keep up his end of the bargain.
"And what happens if he fails?" Hilary had asked.
"Then he'll be my very personal servant," Philip beamed.
Hilary screwed up his face. "Eww, Pater, that's gross. One doesn't want to know about one's parents doing that sort of thing."
Philip glanced back at Queen April who appeared to have acquired Sir Danny as her personal bodyguard, and he tended to agree with the prince. Still, there were other things to consider. James Lester was looking more concerned by the moment. Philip had made sure the opposition leaders were around to witness this as well. Christine was looking particularly smug.
"Well, shall we?" He pushed the doors open without waiting for a response. He was king, after all.
In the middle of the room was a huge glowing anomaly.
"Oh my God!" Philip exclaimed, and hurried towards the light.
"Dear Lord!" Lester exclaimed, and hurried over to Connor who was just waking up.
"Gods, kill me now!" Prince Hilary muttered, and tried to leave but Sir Danny stopped him.
"Now, now. You don't want to upset your fiancé, Prince Hils! Why don't you go and congratulate him?"
Philip ignored the extremely un-princely thing that his son said in reply to that. Hilary would do as he was told, or be disinherited. He stood in front of the anomaly, staring at it. Then, without waiting for Connor to get to his feet and explain it to him, he walked into it.
On the other side was everything he had hoped for. There were huge piles of gold everywhere. It was as if he were inside a gigantic safety deposit box. He shrugged his jacket off, laid it on the ground and scooped armfuls of gold coins onto it. When it became impossible to carry any more without the material giving way, he picked it up and carried it back through the anomaly.
Connor was standing with Lester, still looking a little bleary-eyed and confused. Philip dropped the money on the floor, ordered the prince and the knight to go through and get as much as they could carry, then strode over and embraced Connor.
"My dear boy!" Connor squirmed and looked miserable. Philip decided under the circumstances to forgive him and ignore the fact that the misery was probably due to the fact he thought the king was about to ravage him. "You are every bit the genius your father promised you were!"
Lester managed to look both relieved and smug at the same time. Then smug won out. Philip was in too good a mood to care.
"Did... did it work?" Connor asked tentatively.
Philip beamed at him. "It worked perfectly!" He glanced back to see Sir Danny and Hilary coming back through the anomaly with armfuls of gold. "Perfectly! Sir Danny, run and get all the knights. And tell them to bring wheelbarrows!"
Sir Danny shook his head, but obeyed. He seemed to be finding it all highly amusing. Prince Hilary headed back to the anomaly, looking thoroughly miserable. The king could imagine why. Still, it couldn't be helped and it wasn't as if royal marriages had to be love matches or anything. He glanced at Queen April who was picking up pieces of gold and fondling them. No, it certainly wasn't a prerequisite. He hurried through the anomaly after his son.
"Hilary!"
The prince scowled at him. "I'm not marrying him. His clothes don't match and he never washes his hair."
"Then buy him new clothes and hold him under the shower. Honestly, Hilary, have I taught you nothing? Look at all this gold! I'm going to have statues made, palaces built..."
"Should we not be helping the poorer people and developing the country?"
"They'll feel inspired by the statues and palaces. And the royal wedding, everyone enjoys those. We'll give them two days off."
Hilary made a little sobbing noise at the back of his throat at the mention of the royal wedding. If possible, he looked even more miserable. "I'm the people's prince, that's what they call me. It's my duty to marry for love! And I wanted to marry someone brave and heroic!"
"Well you'll be marrying one of the people. One of those commoners you're so fond of. A foundling, actually. Everyone will love it."
"Except me!"
"Yes, yes, never mind about that. Just pick up some more gold and then come through to meet your intended. You'd best propose to him as well later. I'll have the palace arrange a photoshoot, and then we'll make the announcement."
"Yes, Pater," Hilary said mournfully.
___
Connor felt a little bit dazed and confused. He'd fully expected to wake up and be marched off to the king's bedchamber to begin his new and unpleasant life. Instead he was being congratulated by all and sundry, there was talk of a royal wedding, and he didn't think he'd ever seen his father look so very pleased with himself. And there was gold, everywhere.
The large anomaly didn't seem to have produced a dinosaur, which was something. Connor supposed that he must have imagined the little man and in the same hallucinatory state of sheer terror somehow managed to fix the anomaly device. Everything felt quite surreal.
As Lester was busy being rather smug with his fellow politicians, Connor took the opportunity to look through the anomaly himself. It was, as the king said, pure gold on the other side.
It really did look as if the anomaly had opened into some vast bank vault, and Connor vaguely wondered if that was what had happened. Still, the king was happy... although the prince looked distinctly miserable when his father waved Connor over.
"Connor! Come here, dear boy!"
Connor couldn't help noticing that Prince Hilary was taking a few steps backwards as he approached. The king seemed oblivious, and waxed lyrical for a couple of minutes about the gold, and the wedding, and what a wonderful chap Connor was. Then he noticed a particularly shiny and large piece of gold and hurried off to inspect it, saying something about leaving the happy couple to get to know one another.
Connor looked a little nervously at the prince. Hilary didn't look as if he were part of a very happy couple.
"So," said Connor. That was all he could think of to say. He looked at his feet, supposing that Prince Hilary was probably looking at him as if he were addled.
"I believe we are expected to get to know one another. I enjoy sword fighting and saving people, being the People's Prince and all that. What do you enjoy?"
Connor decided it was probably best if he didn't mention the computer games. "I like science," he explained, gesturing towards the anomaly. "And Dr Who." Everyone liked Dr Who, it was one of the most popular shows on TV. He looked hopefully at the prince.
"Yes, you do, don't you." Hilary looked as though someone had kicked his favourite puppy. "Well, Connor, it's bad luck to see too much of each other before the wedding, so I'll see you at the photo session tomorrow." He dithered awkwardly for a moment, then took Connor's hand, kissed it very quickly, and hurried away through the anomaly.
It wasn't quite what Connor had been hoping for, but he wasn't altogether surprised because he wasn't exactly stupid. It wasn't going to be much fun being married to the prince if Hilary didn't want anything to do with him.
Sadly he sat down on a large pile of gold, and kicked at it despondently, yelping in pain as he stubbed his toe on a solid metal box that had been buried beneath it.
It was a very old box, by the looks of it. He pulled it free of most of the gold coins that were burying it, and rattled the lock, trying to open it. There was something inside, he could hear it rolling about when he moved the box.
The lock was old and corroded, and gave way after very little struggling on Connor's part. He flipped open the lid and looked inside. All that was in there was an ancient-looking bottle with a sealed stopper in the top. He shook it, but it appeared to be empty. All in all it was quite disappointing. Just to be sure, Connor unsealed the stopper and tossed it aside.
It was as though the bottle had exploded in a gigantic shower of sparkles and rainbows. Connor dropped it in shock, scrambling to his feet and taking a few steps back.
In the midst of all the colourful display was a pretty young woman in a rather scanty outfit made from what looked like brightly coloured scarves and sparkly jewels. She gave a shriek of delight and spun around, with more sparkles falling around her as she did so.
"Thank you!" she beamed at him, then rushed up to give him a hug. "I've been stuck in that bottle for centuries! I thought nobody was ever going to find me!"
Connor eyed the bottle suspiciously. It wasn't more than about ten centimetres high at most. Petite as the woman was, there was no way she could fit in that bottle. He was a scientist, he knew these things.
"That was a pretty cool trick, but where did you really come from? Is this your gold?"
The woman folded her arms and fixed him with a pointed glare. "I am," she told him, "Jess of the Bottle. I have been trapped in there since my last master stupidly wasted his third wish on something selfish and stupid and pointless. I do hope that you are going to prove more sensible."
Her tone implied that she doubted it. However, Connor wasn't going to fall for the trick that quickly and easily. He wasn't stupid.
"So, I'm your master now?" he queried. There were easy ways to find out the truth of the matter. "And there are wishes?"
"Three wishes. It's always three wishes, don't you read any stories?"
Truthfully Connor had given up reading stories a long time ago and preferred to watch films or TV, but he suspected the scantily-clad woman in front of him would have something insulting to say about that, so he just nodded. "So... I have three wishes?"
"Yes. Please make them good ones. I have to spend a long time back in that bottle once you've used them up."
That seemed rather a poor reward for the wish-granting. Not that he believed the wishes thing, but if it were true then... no, he wasn't going to think about it. Still, if it were true...
"I wish Prince Hilary loved me," Connor mumbled to himself.
Jess clasped her hands together delightedly, shooting rainbows and fairy dust everywhere. "That's my favourite type of wish!" she exclaimed. "Done!"
"What?" Connor looked around, startled. "That was one of my wishes?"
"It was a really good one!" Jess beamed. "Two more like that, please. I love it when people don't go for boring material things. Love wishes are always the best!" She gave herself a little hug of delight, then ran over to hug Connor too. "He's going to love you so much!"
"But... Not that I'm saying I believe you... but if this were true and I use two more wishes, then you have to go back to being imprisoned in the bottle?"
The smile faltered slightly and started to look rather false. "I am Jess of the Bottle. That's what happens until someone finds me again."
"So if I... and I'm still not saying I believe you... if I didn't use up all three wishes, then you'd be free for a while?"
"Yes," she gave a little sigh. "But nobody is that kind. This gold was all from a previous master. After I'd granted his wishes he locked up my bottle so that nobody else could have me. He thought that if he opened it again he'd get three more. But it doesn't work like that. You only get three wishes."
Connor wished that he didn't believe her. It seemed such a cruel fate. "Can I have an 'Are you sure' button? I mean, can you double-check I meant to wish it before granting it so that I don't wish for something by accident?" He could vaguely remember the tales from cartoons as a child.
"Absolutely. Not the love one, because you obviously meant that, but I'll check the other two. I must say you're more sensible than any of my other masters."
It was flattering, but he didn't want to make a fool of himself by believing her about the whole genie thing. No harm in humouring her just a little bit though. "And in the meantime do you just sit in the bottle until I've thought of something?"
"Oh no," Jess beamed. "I'll go off and see the world. You keep the bottle and just call me when you've thought of something. I'm not going back in that thing until I have to. Please take as long as you can!"
Connor picked up the bottle and slipped it into his pocket, seeing Jess's smile widen further. He decided to go along with it, though he supposed that as soon as they stepped through the anomaly there would be someone on the other side waiting to deliver the punchline from the obvious joke. Still, he led her through the anomaly, tensing as he went through, just waiting for what was to come.
Prince Hilary was there, talking to one of the knights. They both looked up, then stared at Jess. The brightly-coloured scarves didn't exactly leave a great deal to the imagination.
"Who's this?" Hilary demanded. "Father won't be happy if anyone steals his gold."
"Connor rescued me!" Jess declared happily. Connor was sure he could see more sparkles floating around her. They seemed to be moving towards the prince. "I was trapped and he saved me! He's so brave!"
Connor wasn't sure that opening a bottle counted as brave. Still, Hilary was giving him a very strange look. It was almost... fond. Perhaps he had wind.
"Connor saved you? Bravely and heroically?"
Jess nodded enthusiastically, and gave Connor a hug for good measure. "He's my hero!"
Connor couldn't remember the last time he'd seen the prince smile. He'd certainly never seen it aimed at him.
"No," Hilary corrected her. "He's mine." And he swept Connor up in his arms and kissed him.
---
Connor married his prince a few months later in a lavish ceremony watched by the whole nation and indeed several other nations too.
It was paid for by a small amount of the gold from his own anomaly, which seemed to be making everyone very happy indeed, particularly the king.
Jess had appeared the week before and demanded that she be bridesmaid. No amount of protesting on Connor's part that he wasn't a bride had any effect. Apparently she'd found the perfect dress and a number of pairs of shoes, and insisted on walking down the aisle behind Connor and Lester, throwing fairy dust and sparkles at grooms and guests alike as she did so.
Connor was very happy indeed. Life, he thought, couldn't get much better. And then, suddenly, it did.
Connor had never completely trusted King Philip. There was something a little shifty about him, plus there was the whole almost becoming his bedwarmer thing that Connor had never quite got over the trauma of. To top it all, Lester didn't like Philip, and Connor had always found his father to be an excellent judge of character. Admittedly he tended to roll his eyes somewhat when the prince started showing off his sword fighting skills or waxing lyrical about saving the world and everyone in it, but apart from that his judgement was sound. Besides, as Lester said when Connor pointed this out to him, it was his prerogative to criticise his son-in-law. It was what fathers and guardians did.
It didn't seem to be what Philip did. Or at least, not at first. Not until the gold supply had run out. The anomaly did indeed seem to open into a giant vault, and there was no way of knowing where or when that was situated because the only door was very strong and was locked from the other side. Jess couldn't help, except to say that it had been there a long time and didn't he know there was a sample sale on at the moment so if he didn't have a wish could she please go?
Philip had commissioned a statue of himself to be built in every single town in the land. And, for good measure, a palace in each of the major cities. He was saddened, however, by the lack of anything to celebrate his kingliness in any of the villages, and decided they needed more gold to rectify this. Which was when he told Connor to open another anomaly.
Luckily for Connor, Philip accepted that he had found the only golden trove that he knew of, and was happy for him to experiment until he located another one. Prince Hilary, after all, would not have been happy for his beloved husband to be threatened in any way, and certainly would have taken a particularly dim view of his father repeating his original threat.
If Connor were honest, the prince's view of many things was a little dim. But he hadn't married him for his brains, and the sex more than made up for it all anyway. Besides, he was very well-meaning and brave and still wore a billowing white shirt open to the navel all the time, and Connor had no doubt he would be a far better king than his father. He was going to look great on the stamps, especially if he was thrusting his sword around in any of the featured portraits.
It took Connor quite a long time, but eventually he managed to work out how to open another anomaly. There was no gold on the other side, but at least there didn't seem to be any gigantic dinosaurs either. Philip wasn't very impressed at the lack of gold, and told him to try again.
The second anomaly opened remarkably quickly. Philip was quite impressed with it, as he was standing there watching whilst Connor worked the device. He rubbed his hands together, probably thinking of all the gold he was about to get his hands on. Sadly for Philip, the large, hungry G. rex that decided to investigate the anomaly at that moment didn't realise he was king and devoured its tasty treat before anyone knew what had happened.
And thus Prince Hilary became king. As kings were allowed to choose their kingly name from whatever names they'd been given at birth, he declared himself King Becker the First and announced that anyone who ever referred to him as Hilary ever again would find themselves in the royal dungeons. His second act was to ban further research into anomalies, as they contained king-eating monsters. His third act was to have a lot of tournaments for all the knights to enjoy, and let all the poor people sit in the front row so that they felt less deprived, and have free burgers and coke.
Everyone was very happy as King Becker was a good, if rather dim king, and everyone loved him.
In time, people grew sad that there was no handsome young prince growing up, as they had enjoyed cutting out pictures of Prince Hilary Becker from Hello! magazine and speculating on his love life before he'd settled down with Connor. King Becker realised this, eventually, and was sad too, as he loved his people and wanted to make them happy.
One day Connor found Becker sitting on his throne, looking downcast and miserable. At first Connor thought perhaps it was simply the whole being king thing, because apparently that was quite a responsibility and Becker often claimed he needed mid-afternoon blow jobs just to get through the stress of the day. As he'd claimed this whilst he was prince as well, Connor wasn't entirely sure he believed him, but was always happy to oblige.
On that particular day, the problem was something else. Becker took him for a walk through the royal portrait gallery to look at all the paintings of the various kings and queens, so that Connor could see their family history. Connor didn't like to point out that as King Philip had purchased Becker from a particularly fit and attractive couple, none of the people staring regally down at them from the palace walls were actually any blood relation to either of them. Looking at some of them, that could only be a good thing.
When they reached their own portrait, which Connor thought was the best of all of them, mostly because it was a photograph rather than a questionable representation of them both, Becker gestured to the empty space beyond it.
"We have no heir. We owe it to the people to provide an heir. If we don't, mother may decide to produce one with Sir Danny, and that would be distressing in so many ways."
Connor wondered if Becker realised why they had no heir. He hoped so, but with Becker he could never be quite sure.
"We could adopt," he ventured.
Becker shook his head. "Too risky. Too many people would suddenly claim they hadn't meant to give the child up and are now in line to the throne. My advisors have already looked into it."
At least that probably meant Becker did realise why they had no heir, Connor thought. "Did they have any ideas?"
"Because I've made buying children illegal, we can't do what my father did. And apparently if we had a surrogate there would be the same problems with people claiming they were in line to the throne. So no, there weren't any ideas. The crown will either go to Cutter of Scotland, and everyone will end up rolling their Rs in an infuriating fashion, or it will be that expressionless Irish man who becomes king. The one who spends all his time on official visits out in the greenhouses fondling the plants. Either way, it's the end for our country. Connor, you're brilliant, can't you think of something?"
Connor couldn't, but he knew someone who could. He dragged the king back to their room, retrieved the bottle from the safe in there, and summoned Jess.
The king looked a little startled at all the sparkles and rainbows that accompanied her arrival, possibly moreso at that than at the fact that a young woman had just materialised in the middle of their room.
Jess of the Bottle had numerous shopping bags under her arm, and looked a little harassed. "Yes, Master," she sighed. "What is it?"
"That's the girl you saved heroically, then she was at our wedding," Becker pointed out. "The one who kept changing her shoes."
"I got a modelling contract out of that from three different shoe companies," Jess told him. "Don't knock it. I get free shoes from them. It's wonderful. Look!" She held out one of her bags, which looked suspiciously full and Connor decided it was time to quickly change the subject.
"I've decided on my second wish," he told her. Jess immediately looked a little wary, but put the bags down. Presumably she needed both hands free to conjure up the necessary sparkles. Connor hoped he wasn't going to have to incubate a baby for nine months or something dire like that. Still, if it was what Becker really wanted... "We need an heir, so... I wish Becker and I could have a child."
Part three here
Author: Clea2011
Word Count: 10,704 total. This part 4,128
Characters: Becker/Connor, Jess, Lester, Danny, Philip, April, Ryan
Rating: 15
Spoilers: No
Warnings: No
Disclaimer: Primeval belongs to Impossible Pictures, I'm just writing for fun and non-profit.
A/N: For the
trope_bingo square au: royalty / aristocracy / feudal. Thanks to fififolle for the beta, and to celeste9 for all the Fairy Tale discussions.
Summary: This is a retelling of the Rumpelstiltskin fairy tale. It contains no mpreg, as requested by Celeste. It is very much crackfic.
Part One is here
Leek admired his handiwork then hopped through the newly-created anomaly before anyone else saw him. It had been a simple matter to use the anomaly opening device from the future to open a gateway to the world Connor wanted. All he had to do now was wait until the appropriate time and come back to claim his prize.
---
King Philip had gathered everyone together to witness Lester's humiliation. He stood outside the lab, enjoying the apprehensive look on his prime minister's face. At least he would never have to hear how wonderful Connor the temple foundling was ever again. Perhaps he'd be able to tell Lester how wonderful the young man was instead? Lester would certainly hate hearing about that.
Prince Hilary was still looking grumpy. He'd pointed out to his son on the way down that Hilary didn't really have a lot to worry about. Connor was hardly going to succeed in his impossible task, and if he did then Hilary would damned well keep up his end of the bargain.
"And what happens if he fails?" Hilary had asked.
"Then he'll be my very personal servant," Philip beamed.
Hilary screwed up his face. "Eww, Pater, that's gross. One doesn't want to know about one's parents doing that sort of thing."
Philip glanced back at Queen April who appeared to have acquired Sir Danny as her personal bodyguard, and he tended to agree with the prince. Still, there were other things to consider. James Lester was looking more concerned by the moment. Philip had made sure the opposition leaders were around to witness this as well. Christine was looking particularly smug.
"Well, shall we?" He pushed the doors open without waiting for a response. He was king, after all.
In the middle of the room was a huge glowing anomaly.
"Oh my God!" Philip exclaimed, and hurried towards the light.
"Dear Lord!" Lester exclaimed, and hurried over to Connor who was just waking up.
"Gods, kill me now!" Prince Hilary muttered, and tried to leave but Sir Danny stopped him.
"Now, now. You don't want to upset your fiancé, Prince Hils! Why don't you go and congratulate him?"
Philip ignored the extremely un-princely thing that his son said in reply to that. Hilary would do as he was told, or be disinherited. He stood in front of the anomaly, staring at it. Then, without waiting for Connor to get to his feet and explain it to him, he walked into it.
On the other side was everything he had hoped for. There were huge piles of gold everywhere. It was as if he were inside a gigantic safety deposit box. He shrugged his jacket off, laid it on the ground and scooped armfuls of gold coins onto it. When it became impossible to carry any more without the material giving way, he picked it up and carried it back through the anomaly.
Connor was standing with Lester, still looking a little bleary-eyed and confused. Philip dropped the money on the floor, ordered the prince and the knight to go through and get as much as they could carry, then strode over and embraced Connor.
"My dear boy!" Connor squirmed and looked miserable. Philip decided under the circumstances to forgive him and ignore the fact that the misery was probably due to the fact he thought the king was about to ravage him. "You are every bit the genius your father promised you were!"
Lester managed to look both relieved and smug at the same time. Then smug won out. Philip was in too good a mood to care.
"Did... did it work?" Connor asked tentatively.
Philip beamed at him. "It worked perfectly!" He glanced back to see Sir Danny and Hilary coming back through the anomaly with armfuls of gold. "Perfectly! Sir Danny, run and get all the knights. And tell them to bring wheelbarrows!"
Sir Danny shook his head, but obeyed. He seemed to be finding it all highly amusing. Prince Hilary headed back to the anomaly, looking thoroughly miserable. The king could imagine why. Still, it couldn't be helped and it wasn't as if royal marriages had to be love matches or anything. He glanced at Queen April who was picking up pieces of gold and fondling them. No, it certainly wasn't a prerequisite. He hurried through the anomaly after his son.
"Hilary!"
The prince scowled at him. "I'm not marrying him. His clothes don't match and he never washes his hair."
"Then buy him new clothes and hold him under the shower. Honestly, Hilary, have I taught you nothing? Look at all this gold! I'm going to have statues made, palaces built..."
"Should we not be helping the poorer people and developing the country?"
"They'll feel inspired by the statues and palaces. And the royal wedding, everyone enjoys those. We'll give them two days off."
Hilary made a little sobbing noise at the back of his throat at the mention of the royal wedding. If possible, he looked even more miserable. "I'm the people's prince, that's what they call me. It's my duty to marry for love! And I wanted to marry someone brave and heroic!"
"Well you'll be marrying one of the people. One of those commoners you're so fond of. A foundling, actually. Everyone will love it."
"Except me!"
"Yes, yes, never mind about that. Just pick up some more gold and then come through to meet your intended. You'd best propose to him as well later. I'll have the palace arrange a photoshoot, and then we'll make the announcement."
"Yes, Pater," Hilary said mournfully.
___
Connor felt a little bit dazed and confused. He'd fully expected to wake up and be marched off to the king's bedchamber to begin his new and unpleasant life. Instead he was being congratulated by all and sundry, there was talk of a royal wedding, and he didn't think he'd ever seen his father look so very pleased with himself. And there was gold, everywhere.
The large anomaly didn't seem to have produced a dinosaur, which was something. Connor supposed that he must have imagined the little man and in the same hallucinatory state of sheer terror somehow managed to fix the anomaly device. Everything felt quite surreal.
As Lester was busy being rather smug with his fellow politicians, Connor took the opportunity to look through the anomaly himself. It was, as the king said, pure gold on the other side.
It really did look as if the anomaly had opened into some vast bank vault, and Connor vaguely wondered if that was what had happened. Still, the king was happy... although the prince looked distinctly miserable when his father waved Connor over.
"Connor! Come here, dear boy!"
Connor couldn't help noticing that Prince Hilary was taking a few steps backwards as he approached. The king seemed oblivious, and waxed lyrical for a couple of minutes about the gold, and the wedding, and what a wonderful chap Connor was. Then he noticed a particularly shiny and large piece of gold and hurried off to inspect it, saying something about leaving the happy couple to get to know one another.
Connor looked a little nervously at the prince. Hilary didn't look as if he were part of a very happy couple.
"So," said Connor. That was all he could think of to say. He looked at his feet, supposing that Prince Hilary was probably looking at him as if he were addled.
"I believe we are expected to get to know one another. I enjoy sword fighting and saving people, being the People's Prince and all that. What do you enjoy?"
Connor decided it was probably best if he didn't mention the computer games. "I like science," he explained, gesturing towards the anomaly. "And Dr Who." Everyone liked Dr Who, it was one of the most popular shows on TV. He looked hopefully at the prince.
"Yes, you do, don't you." Hilary looked as though someone had kicked his favourite puppy. "Well, Connor, it's bad luck to see too much of each other before the wedding, so I'll see you at the photo session tomorrow." He dithered awkwardly for a moment, then took Connor's hand, kissed it very quickly, and hurried away through the anomaly.
It wasn't quite what Connor had been hoping for, but he wasn't altogether surprised because he wasn't exactly stupid. It wasn't going to be much fun being married to the prince if Hilary didn't want anything to do with him.
Sadly he sat down on a large pile of gold, and kicked at it despondently, yelping in pain as he stubbed his toe on a solid metal box that had been buried beneath it.
It was a very old box, by the looks of it. He pulled it free of most of the gold coins that were burying it, and rattled the lock, trying to open it. There was something inside, he could hear it rolling about when he moved the box.
The lock was old and corroded, and gave way after very little struggling on Connor's part. He flipped open the lid and looked inside. All that was in there was an ancient-looking bottle with a sealed stopper in the top. He shook it, but it appeared to be empty. All in all it was quite disappointing. Just to be sure, Connor unsealed the stopper and tossed it aside.
It was as though the bottle had exploded in a gigantic shower of sparkles and rainbows. Connor dropped it in shock, scrambling to his feet and taking a few steps back.
In the midst of all the colourful display was a pretty young woman in a rather scanty outfit made from what looked like brightly coloured scarves and sparkly jewels. She gave a shriek of delight and spun around, with more sparkles falling around her as she did so.
"Thank you!" she beamed at him, then rushed up to give him a hug. "I've been stuck in that bottle for centuries! I thought nobody was ever going to find me!"
Connor eyed the bottle suspiciously. It wasn't more than about ten centimetres high at most. Petite as the woman was, there was no way she could fit in that bottle. He was a scientist, he knew these things.
"That was a pretty cool trick, but where did you really come from? Is this your gold?"
The woman folded her arms and fixed him with a pointed glare. "I am," she told him, "Jess of the Bottle. I have been trapped in there since my last master stupidly wasted his third wish on something selfish and stupid and pointless. I do hope that you are going to prove more sensible."
Her tone implied that she doubted it. However, Connor wasn't going to fall for the trick that quickly and easily. He wasn't stupid.
"So, I'm your master now?" he queried. There were easy ways to find out the truth of the matter. "And there are wishes?"
"Three wishes. It's always three wishes, don't you read any stories?"
Truthfully Connor had given up reading stories a long time ago and preferred to watch films or TV, but he suspected the scantily-clad woman in front of him would have something insulting to say about that, so he just nodded. "So... I have three wishes?"
"Yes. Please make them good ones. I have to spend a long time back in that bottle once you've used them up."
That seemed rather a poor reward for the wish-granting. Not that he believed the wishes thing, but if it were true then... no, he wasn't going to think about it. Still, if it were true...
"I wish Prince Hilary loved me," Connor mumbled to himself.
Jess clasped her hands together delightedly, shooting rainbows and fairy dust everywhere. "That's my favourite type of wish!" she exclaimed. "Done!"
"What?" Connor looked around, startled. "That was one of my wishes?"
"It was a really good one!" Jess beamed. "Two more like that, please. I love it when people don't go for boring material things. Love wishes are always the best!" She gave herself a little hug of delight, then ran over to hug Connor too. "He's going to love you so much!"
"But... Not that I'm saying I believe you... but if this were true and I use two more wishes, then you have to go back to being imprisoned in the bottle?"
The smile faltered slightly and started to look rather false. "I am Jess of the Bottle. That's what happens until someone finds me again."
"So if I... and I'm still not saying I believe you... if I didn't use up all three wishes, then you'd be free for a while?"
"Yes," she gave a little sigh. "But nobody is that kind. This gold was all from a previous master. After I'd granted his wishes he locked up my bottle so that nobody else could have me. He thought that if he opened it again he'd get three more. But it doesn't work like that. You only get three wishes."
Connor wished that he didn't believe her. It seemed such a cruel fate. "Can I have an 'Are you sure' button? I mean, can you double-check I meant to wish it before granting it so that I don't wish for something by accident?" He could vaguely remember the tales from cartoons as a child.
"Absolutely. Not the love one, because you obviously meant that, but I'll check the other two. I must say you're more sensible than any of my other masters."
It was flattering, but he didn't want to make a fool of himself by believing her about the whole genie thing. No harm in humouring her just a little bit though. "And in the meantime do you just sit in the bottle until I've thought of something?"
"Oh no," Jess beamed. "I'll go off and see the world. You keep the bottle and just call me when you've thought of something. I'm not going back in that thing until I have to. Please take as long as you can!"
Connor picked up the bottle and slipped it into his pocket, seeing Jess's smile widen further. He decided to go along with it, though he supposed that as soon as they stepped through the anomaly there would be someone on the other side waiting to deliver the punchline from the obvious joke. Still, he led her through the anomaly, tensing as he went through, just waiting for what was to come.
Prince Hilary was there, talking to one of the knights. They both looked up, then stared at Jess. The brightly-coloured scarves didn't exactly leave a great deal to the imagination.
"Who's this?" Hilary demanded. "Father won't be happy if anyone steals his gold."
"Connor rescued me!" Jess declared happily. Connor was sure he could see more sparkles floating around her. They seemed to be moving towards the prince. "I was trapped and he saved me! He's so brave!"
Connor wasn't sure that opening a bottle counted as brave. Still, Hilary was giving him a very strange look. It was almost... fond. Perhaps he had wind.
"Connor saved you? Bravely and heroically?"
Jess nodded enthusiastically, and gave Connor a hug for good measure. "He's my hero!"
Connor couldn't remember the last time he'd seen the prince smile. He'd certainly never seen it aimed at him.
"No," Hilary corrected her. "He's mine." And he swept Connor up in his arms and kissed him.
---
Connor married his prince a few months later in a lavish ceremony watched by the whole nation and indeed several other nations too.
It was paid for by a small amount of the gold from his own anomaly, which seemed to be making everyone very happy indeed, particularly the king.
Jess had appeared the week before and demanded that she be bridesmaid. No amount of protesting on Connor's part that he wasn't a bride had any effect. Apparently she'd found the perfect dress and a number of pairs of shoes, and insisted on walking down the aisle behind Connor and Lester, throwing fairy dust and sparkles at grooms and guests alike as she did so.
Connor was very happy indeed. Life, he thought, couldn't get much better. And then, suddenly, it did.
Connor had never completely trusted King Philip. There was something a little shifty about him, plus there was the whole almost becoming his bedwarmer thing that Connor had never quite got over the trauma of. To top it all, Lester didn't like Philip, and Connor had always found his father to be an excellent judge of character. Admittedly he tended to roll his eyes somewhat when the prince started showing off his sword fighting skills or waxing lyrical about saving the world and everyone in it, but apart from that his judgement was sound. Besides, as Lester said when Connor pointed this out to him, it was his prerogative to criticise his son-in-law. It was what fathers and guardians did.
It didn't seem to be what Philip did. Or at least, not at first. Not until the gold supply had run out. The anomaly did indeed seem to open into a giant vault, and there was no way of knowing where or when that was situated because the only door was very strong and was locked from the other side. Jess couldn't help, except to say that it had been there a long time and didn't he know there was a sample sale on at the moment so if he didn't have a wish could she please go?
Philip had commissioned a statue of himself to be built in every single town in the land. And, for good measure, a palace in each of the major cities. He was saddened, however, by the lack of anything to celebrate his kingliness in any of the villages, and decided they needed more gold to rectify this. Which was when he told Connor to open another anomaly.
Luckily for Connor, Philip accepted that he had found the only golden trove that he knew of, and was happy for him to experiment until he located another one. Prince Hilary, after all, would not have been happy for his beloved husband to be threatened in any way, and certainly would have taken a particularly dim view of his father repeating his original threat.
If Connor were honest, the prince's view of many things was a little dim. But he hadn't married him for his brains, and the sex more than made up for it all anyway. Besides, he was very well-meaning and brave and still wore a billowing white shirt open to the navel all the time, and Connor had no doubt he would be a far better king than his father. He was going to look great on the stamps, especially if he was thrusting his sword around in any of the featured portraits.
It took Connor quite a long time, but eventually he managed to work out how to open another anomaly. There was no gold on the other side, but at least there didn't seem to be any gigantic dinosaurs either. Philip wasn't very impressed at the lack of gold, and told him to try again.
The second anomaly opened remarkably quickly. Philip was quite impressed with it, as he was standing there watching whilst Connor worked the device. He rubbed his hands together, probably thinking of all the gold he was about to get his hands on. Sadly for Philip, the large, hungry G. rex that decided to investigate the anomaly at that moment didn't realise he was king and devoured its tasty treat before anyone knew what had happened.
And thus Prince Hilary became king. As kings were allowed to choose their kingly name from whatever names they'd been given at birth, he declared himself King Becker the First and announced that anyone who ever referred to him as Hilary ever again would find themselves in the royal dungeons. His second act was to ban further research into anomalies, as they contained king-eating monsters. His third act was to have a lot of tournaments for all the knights to enjoy, and let all the poor people sit in the front row so that they felt less deprived, and have free burgers and coke.
Everyone was very happy as King Becker was a good, if rather dim king, and everyone loved him.
In time, people grew sad that there was no handsome young prince growing up, as they had enjoyed cutting out pictures of Prince Hilary Becker from Hello! magazine and speculating on his love life before he'd settled down with Connor. King Becker realised this, eventually, and was sad too, as he loved his people and wanted to make them happy.
One day Connor found Becker sitting on his throne, looking downcast and miserable. At first Connor thought perhaps it was simply the whole being king thing, because apparently that was quite a responsibility and Becker often claimed he needed mid-afternoon blow jobs just to get through the stress of the day. As he'd claimed this whilst he was prince as well, Connor wasn't entirely sure he believed him, but was always happy to oblige.
On that particular day, the problem was something else. Becker took him for a walk through the royal portrait gallery to look at all the paintings of the various kings and queens, so that Connor could see their family history. Connor didn't like to point out that as King Philip had purchased Becker from a particularly fit and attractive couple, none of the people staring regally down at them from the palace walls were actually any blood relation to either of them. Looking at some of them, that could only be a good thing.
When they reached their own portrait, which Connor thought was the best of all of them, mostly because it was a photograph rather than a questionable representation of them both, Becker gestured to the empty space beyond it.
"We have no heir. We owe it to the people to provide an heir. If we don't, mother may decide to produce one with Sir Danny, and that would be distressing in so many ways."
Connor wondered if Becker realised why they had no heir. He hoped so, but with Becker he could never be quite sure.
"We could adopt," he ventured.
Becker shook his head. "Too risky. Too many people would suddenly claim they hadn't meant to give the child up and are now in line to the throne. My advisors have already looked into it."
At least that probably meant Becker did realise why they had no heir, Connor thought. "Did they have any ideas?"
"Because I've made buying children illegal, we can't do what my father did. And apparently if we had a surrogate there would be the same problems with people claiming they were in line to the throne. So no, there weren't any ideas. The crown will either go to Cutter of Scotland, and everyone will end up rolling their Rs in an infuriating fashion, or it will be that expressionless Irish man who becomes king. The one who spends all his time on official visits out in the greenhouses fondling the plants. Either way, it's the end for our country. Connor, you're brilliant, can't you think of something?"
Connor couldn't, but he knew someone who could. He dragged the king back to their room, retrieved the bottle from the safe in there, and summoned Jess.
The king looked a little startled at all the sparkles and rainbows that accompanied her arrival, possibly moreso at that than at the fact that a young woman had just materialised in the middle of their room.
Jess of the Bottle had numerous shopping bags under her arm, and looked a little harassed. "Yes, Master," she sighed. "What is it?"
"That's the girl you saved heroically, then she was at our wedding," Becker pointed out. "The one who kept changing her shoes."
"I got a modelling contract out of that from three different shoe companies," Jess told him. "Don't knock it. I get free shoes from them. It's wonderful. Look!" She held out one of her bags, which looked suspiciously full and Connor decided it was time to quickly change the subject.
"I've decided on my second wish," he told her. Jess immediately looked a little wary, but put the bags down. Presumably she needed both hands free to conjure up the necessary sparkles. Connor hoped he wasn't going to have to incubate a baby for nine months or something dire like that. Still, if it was what Becker really wanted... "We need an heir, so... I wish Becker and I could have a child."
Part three here