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My first real SGA fic...written for the 'Stuck On You' challenge at sga_flashfic
Hell Hath No Fury Like a Genius Scorned
Hands firmly plastered to his hair and clad in only a white towel that hung low on his hips, precariously close to falling off, John ignored all the catcalls and horribly muffled laughter as he stormed into the labs. Lover or not, he was going to murder Rodney.
---
The day had started off normal enough. Granted there was none of the nice, lazy morning sex they usually had, but that had been because Rodney had an early start in the labs and was gone before he woke up. Come to think of it, that had been happening a lot in the past few days, but John had just chalked it up to Rodney being Rodney. Maybe that should’ve tipped him off to the fact that something was wrong, but he was pretty sure he didn’t anything that warranted this sort of punishment. So imagine his dismay when he went about his daily routine of smoothing the right amount of gel into his hair (to get his perfectly crafted disheveled look) only to find that his hands were literally stuck to his head.
---
Luckily, John found Rodney right away, hunched over his laptop and seemingly oblivious to Zelenka snickering next to him.
“McKay.”
“Hm?” his eyes remained fixed on the computer screen.
“A word please.” He looked at Zelenka who quickly made his way to the other side of the lab.
“I don’t know Colonel, I’m pretty busy here.” John could see him trying to fight the urge to smile.
“Now.” Rodney scoffed.
“Oh, please. Like your tough guy military act is going to work here. You’re standing in my lab, practically naked with your hands glued to your head.”
Someone giggled and John was suddenly all too aware of the fact that they were in a crowded lab and that his current predicament left him especially vulnerable to some sort of embarrassing wardrobe malfunction-accidental or otherwise.
Rodney rambled on. “Don’t get me wrong, under other circumstances this would probably be really hot, but you should know that this wouldn’t have happened if you’d only behaved yourself.”
“What are you-” Rodney cut him off.
“You have to realize that we” he gestured between the two of them “are supposed to be in a committed relationship.”
“Well, yeah. But I still don’t see what that has to do with my hair.”
“You wouldn’t would you?” he sneered.
John tried to hold his hand up in defense, but only succeeded in flailing an elbow and looking ridiculous.
“Hey, hold on a second. What are you talking about?”
“Your insatiable need to have-”
“Don’t tell me you’re complaining about” he looked around at all the people in the lab and lowered his voice “having too much sex. ‘Cause I think cutting me off completely is a bit harsh. And this. What the hell?” His inability to gesture led to some more unattractive flailing and naturally more muffled laughter.
Rodney looked at him incredulously.
“Yes John, the problem with our relationship is all the amazingly hot sex we’ve been having.” he rolled his eyes. “Do you even hear yourself sometimes?”
“Think we can talk about this somewhere more private?” he tried not to blush at the fact that everyone had stopped pretending to work and were now eagerly watching their exchange.
“No, no I think we’re pretty much done here.” Rodney waved his hand in dismissal. “Clearly, you’re happy in your little bubble of ignorance.”
John absolutely did not pout at that. Nor did he pull out the cute puppy dog eyes that always worked on Rodney.
“Can we please talk about this?”
Rodney sighed.
“Fine. Here.” He grabbed John’s arm and led him to a random empty room, ignoring his protests and glaring when John yelled at him to watch the hair.
“So, want to explain to me what’s gotten into you?”
“Consider it retribution.”
“My hair Rodney. What did it ever do to you?”
“I certainly hope you realize it’s not your hair I’m upset with. Otherwise, we have a lot more problems than I thought.”
“Then what are you so worked up about?”
Rodney put his hands on his hips.
“Oh, let me think. How about a couple missions ago when that priestess in the stupid gown with all the ribbons kept on touching you? Or that serving wench from the planet with too much citrus?” he shuddered. “And don’t get me started on M2X-814.”
John frowned.
“Does this ring any bells? Oh, for crying out loud,” Rodney threw his hands up in frustration at John’s baffled look and stomped back in to the lab.
John followed him out, utterly confused at Rodney’s reaction.
“What’s the matter with you?” When Rodney didn’t answer, John continued. “C’mon, you weren’t this mad about Chaya for god’s sake.” Rodney glowered and he was pretty sure he heard Miko gasp. Clearly, that had been the wrong thing to say.
“Correct me if I’m wrong Colonel, but I don’t believe we were actually together back then.” The fact that Rodney had reverted to using his rank wasn’t a good sign.
“Fine, I’m sorry for whatever it is you’re mad about. But my hair gel?”
“It’s good to see you have your priorities straight.” He rolled his eyes. “And don’t worry, it’s not like I got rid of it, I just switched the label on the bottle. The real thing’s still somewhere in the bathroom. And hey, look at it this way: no more cowlicks.”
Sometimes John really hated Rodney.
---
After several attempts at washing his hair in the sink with more substances than he’d care to admit (he didn’t dare try showering-spending the day in a towel was bad enough, he didn’t know what he’d do if he was stuck naked and without the use of his hands), John had had enough. If Rodney wasn’t going to fix this, then he was going to find someone who would.
---
Surprisingly, Keller turned out to be no help at all. John had come to her in his time of need only to be brushed off with her saying she was too busy with more important things to tend to. John was sure that Rodney had something to do with that because if this wasn’t a medical emergency, he didn’t want to know know what was.
Carter simply laughed in his face. John strongly suspected that she and Rodney were conspiring against him.
Ronon was almost just as bad, but at least he had offered to help. The problem was that John didn’t think that knives that sharp belonged anywhere near his hair. Or the skin of his palms for that matter. But at least he had pants now.
---
John then found himself in Teyla’s quarters trying yet another weird Athosian remedy to no avail.
“Perhaps you should talk to Rodney.”
John shook his head. “I think that’s what got me into trouble in the first place.”
“Surely there is more to it than that. Did you do something to offend him?”
“He said something about some of the women we met off-world. Don’t know why he’d be mad about that though. Hey, which one was M2X-814 again?”
Teyla looked at him weirdly. “We just came back from that mission. M2X-814 was the planet we visited last week. I can only assume that Rodney did not approve of all the attention you gave to the female dancers at the feast that was held for us.”
“What? I didn’t-” his protests died down at the disapproving look on her face.
“Perhaps you should apologize.”
“I did.”
Teyla gave him another look.
“Fine, maybe it wasn’t the greatest apology, but it’s not like I did anything wrong.”
“John.”
John sulked all the way to his quarters. But absolutely not like a child who had just been scolded by his mother.
---
There he found Rodney fiddling around on his laptop.
“Hey.” Rodney looked up and nodded, but didn’t say anything.
“Look, I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“Everything you said before.” John flushed guiltily. “I never realized how much it bothered you.”
“Now you do.”
“So, uh, what now?” John stood there awkwardly.
“Well, I suppose you’ve learned your lesson.” John tried not to look too eager as Rodney gestured for him to come closer.
“Here.” Getting up from the bed, Rodney procured a tiny vial from his pocket and poured the liquid on John’s head, rubbing it where hair met skin. John would never admit it, but it was almost like a really nice scalp massage.
After what felt like only a few minutes, Rodney removed his hands.
“Okay, all done.”
“That’s it?” John gently pried his hands from his hair, surprised at how easy that seemed.
“Did you want it to take longer?”
“No, no.” He patted his hair and flexed his arms around a bit. “Thank god. Do you have any idea how much my arms are killing me right now?”
“I’m sure you’ll live.”
John looked at his palms. “So, uh, what was this stuff anyway?”
Rodney shrugged. “Some sort of industrial strength polymer.” At John’s horrified expression he added, “I’m sure it’s perfectly safe. I mean, kids eat paste all the time so it’s got to be mostly non-toxic. Trust me, your hair looks fine.”
John wasn’t entirely convinced.
---
After some very nice makeup sex, John found himself lying in bed, regretting how long it took for him to notice something was wrong. He lightly kissed Rodney’s bare shoulder.
“Hey Rodney?”
“Yeah?” Rodney’s voice was drowsy with sleep.
“I hope you know it never means anything.”
“Hm?”
“The, uh, flirting thing. I mean, you said so yourself that I can’t help but have chemistry with everything, even inanimate objects.”
Rodney pouted. “Yeah, well, inanimate objects don’t wear slutty outfits and throw themselves at you.”
He wrapped his now free arms around Rodney.
“Point taken. Forgive me?”
Rodney rolled his eyes. “Of course. Now you know better.” He kissed him softly before giving him a warning look. “But if it happens again, let’s just say there’s more where that came from.”
John swallowed nervously. Rodney just grinned and kissed him again.
-end-
Hell Hath No Fury Like a Genius Scorned
Hands firmly plastered to his hair and clad in only a white towel that hung low on his hips, precariously close to falling off, John ignored all the catcalls and horribly muffled laughter as he stormed into the labs. Lover or not, he was going to murder Rodney.
---
The day had started off normal enough. Granted there was none of the nice, lazy morning sex they usually had, but that had been because Rodney had an early start in the labs and was gone before he woke up. Come to think of it, that had been happening a lot in the past few days, but John had just chalked it up to Rodney being Rodney. Maybe that should’ve tipped him off to the fact that something was wrong, but he was pretty sure he didn’t anything that warranted this sort of punishment. So imagine his dismay when he went about his daily routine of smoothing the right amount of gel into his hair (to get his perfectly crafted disheveled look) only to find that his hands were literally stuck to his head.
---
Luckily, John found Rodney right away, hunched over his laptop and seemingly oblivious to Zelenka snickering next to him.
“McKay.”
“Hm?” his eyes remained fixed on the computer screen.
“A word please.” He looked at Zelenka who quickly made his way to the other side of the lab.
“I don’t know Colonel, I’m pretty busy here.” John could see him trying to fight the urge to smile.
“Now.” Rodney scoffed.
“Oh, please. Like your tough guy military act is going to work here. You’re standing in my lab, practically naked with your hands glued to your head.”
Someone giggled and John was suddenly all too aware of the fact that they were in a crowded lab and that his current predicament left him especially vulnerable to some sort of embarrassing wardrobe malfunction-accidental or otherwise.
Rodney rambled on. “Don’t get me wrong, under other circumstances this would probably be really hot, but you should know that this wouldn’t have happened if you’d only behaved yourself.”
“What are you-” Rodney cut him off.
“You have to realize that we” he gestured between the two of them “are supposed to be in a committed relationship.”
“Well, yeah. But I still don’t see what that has to do with my hair.”
“You wouldn’t would you?” he sneered.
John tried to hold his hand up in defense, but only succeeded in flailing an elbow and looking ridiculous.
“Hey, hold on a second. What are you talking about?”
“Your insatiable need to have-”
“Don’t tell me you’re complaining about” he looked around at all the people in the lab and lowered his voice “having too much sex. ‘Cause I think cutting me off completely is a bit harsh. And this. What the hell?” His inability to gesture led to some more unattractive flailing and naturally more muffled laughter.
Rodney looked at him incredulously.
“Yes John, the problem with our relationship is all the amazingly hot sex we’ve been having.” he rolled his eyes. “Do you even hear yourself sometimes?”
“Think we can talk about this somewhere more private?” he tried not to blush at the fact that everyone had stopped pretending to work and were now eagerly watching their exchange.
“No, no I think we’re pretty much done here.” Rodney waved his hand in dismissal. “Clearly, you’re happy in your little bubble of ignorance.”
John absolutely did not pout at that. Nor did he pull out the cute puppy dog eyes that always worked on Rodney.
“Can we please talk about this?”
Rodney sighed.
“Fine. Here.” He grabbed John’s arm and led him to a random empty room, ignoring his protests and glaring when John yelled at him to watch the hair.
“So, want to explain to me what’s gotten into you?”
“Consider it retribution.”
“My hair Rodney. What did it ever do to you?”
“I certainly hope you realize it’s not your hair I’m upset with. Otherwise, we have a lot more problems than I thought.”
“Then what are you so worked up about?”
Rodney put his hands on his hips.
“Oh, let me think. How about a couple missions ago when that priestess in the stupid gown with all the ribbons kept on touching you? Or that serving wench from the planet with too much citrus?” he shuddered. “And don’t get me started on M2X-814.”
John frowned.
“Does this ring any bells? Oh, for crying out loud,” Rodney threw his hands up in frustration at John’s baffled look and stomped back in to the lab.
John followed him out, utterly confused at Rodney’s reaction.
“What’s the matter with you?” When Rodney didn’t answer, John continued. “C’mon, you weren’t this mad about Chaya for god’s sake.” Rodney glowered and he was pretty sure he heard Miko gasp. Clearly, that had been the wrong thing to say.
“Correct me if I’m wrong Colonel, but I don’t believe we were actually together back then.” The fact that Rodney had reverted to using his rank wasn’t a good sign.
“Fine, I’m sorry for whatever it is you’re mad about. But my hair gel?”
“It’s good to see you have your priorities straight.” He rolled his eyes. “And don’t worry, it’s not like I got rid of it, I just switched the label on the bottle. The real thing’s still somewhere in the bathroom. And hey, look at it this way: no more cowlicks.”
Sometimes John really hated Rodney.
---
After several attempts at washing his hair in the sink with more substances than he’d care to admit (he didn’t dare try showering-spending the day in a towel was bad enough, he didn’t know what he’d do if he was stuck naked and without the use of his hands), John had had enough. If Rodney wasn’t going to fix this, then he was going to find someone who would.
---
Surprisingly, Keller turned out to be no help at all. John had come to her in his time of need only to be brushed off with her saying she was too busy with more important things to tend to. John was sure that Rodney had something to do with that because if this wasn’t a medical emergency, he didn’t want to know know what was.
Carter simply laughed in his face. John strongly suspected that she and Rodney were conspiring against him.
Ronon was almost just as bad, but at least he had offered to help. The problem was that John didn’t think that knives that sharp belonged anywhere near his hair. Or the skin of his palms for that matter. But at least he had pants now.
---
John then found himself in Teyla’s quarters trying yet another weird Athosian remedy to no avail.
“Perhaps you should talk to Rodney.”
John shook his head. “I think that’s what got me into trouble in the first place.”
“Surely there is more to it than that. Did you do something to offend him?”
“He said something about some of the women we met off-world. Don’t know why he’d be mad about that though. Hey, which one was M2X-814 again?”
Teyla looked at him weirdly. “We just came back from that mission. M2X-814 was the planet we visited last week. I can only assume that Rodney did not approve of all the attention you gave to the female dancers at the feast that was held for us.”
“What? I didn’t-” his protests died down at the disapproving look on her face.
“Perhaps you should apologize.”
“I did.”
Teyla gave him another look.
“Fine, maybe it wasn’t the greatest apology, but it’s not like I did anything wrong.”
“John.”
John sulked all the way to his quarters. But absolutely not like a child who had just been scolded by his mother.
---
There he found Rodney fiddling around on his laptop.
“Hey.” Rodney looked up and nodded, but didn’t say anything.
“Look, I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“Everything you said before.” John flushed guiltily. “I never realized how much it bothered you.”
“Now you do.”
“So, uh, what now?” John stood there awkwardly.
“Well, I suppose you’ve learned your lesson.” John tried not to look too eager as Rodney gestured for him to come closer.
“Here.” Getting up from the bed, Rodney procured a tiny vial from his pocket and poured the liquid on John’s head, rubbing it where hair met skin. John would never admit it, but it was almost like a really nice scalp massage.
After what felt like only a few minutes, Rodney removed his hands.
“Okay, all done.”
“That’s it?” John gently pried his hands from his hair, surprised at how easy that seemed.
“Did you want it to take longer?”
“No, no.” He patted his hair and flexed his arms around a bit. “Thank god. Do you have any idea how much my arms are killing me right now?”
“I’m sure you’ll live.”
John looked at his palms. “So, uh, what was this stuff anyway?”
Rodney shrugged. “Some sort of industrial strength polymer.” At John’s horrified expression he added, “I’m sure it’s perfectly safe. I mean, kids eat paste all the time so it’s got to be mostly non-toxic. Trust me, your hair looks fine.”
John wasn’t entirely convinced.
---
After some very nice makeup sex, John found himself lying in bed, regretting how long it took for him to notice something was wrong. He lightly kissed Rodney’s bare shoulder.
“Hey Rodney?”
“Yeah?” Rodney’s voice was drowsy with sleep.
“I hope you know it never means anything.”
“Hm?”
“The, uh, flirting thing. I mean, you said so yourself that I can’t help but have chemistry with everything, even inanimate objects.”
Rodney pouted. “Yeah, well, inanimate objects don’t wear slutty outfits and throw themselves at you.”
He wrapped his now free arms around Rodney.
“Point taken. Forgive me?”
Rodney rolled his eyes. “Of course. Now you know better.” He kissed him softly before giving him a warning look. “But if it happens again, let’s just say there’s more where that came from.”
John swallowed nervously. Rodney just grinned and kissed him again.
-end-