(no subject)
its like a fractured bone. if it heals it heals stronger.
but i dont feel much stronger
maybe i am still in the cast
maybe the original injury was worse than i thought
or maybe i just like to play up pain
the thing about thinking is that we are human, we are faulted. we do not see the world for what it is, nor us for what we are. the amount of wavelengths we see as compared to the whole spectrum is disconcerting. the amount of feelings i have lately is about as limited.
how do i even start to analyze this? this jumbled 20 year old girl who hates who she has become and who she was equally. i cant win with myself. i know i dont like how i was when i floated around in oblivion.
but i was happy.
but it wasnt real.
but was is anyways?
i wont take the cope out that ignorance is bliss, bc i dont believe that, it is simply ignorance. but that doesnt make my relationship with weston less happy. of course i was so unselfish then. all i wanted was to make him happy. funny how things change. i lived to please someone else. what kind of life was that? but then in the same manner what kind of life is it to live to please yourself?
i want a hiatious. from everything. i know i already semi took one by coming to AL, but it isnt private enough and there is still too much corruption for me to see through. and there always will be, and maybe thats what i miss in a man. an overall sense of genuineness. i think that is it. i think that is what i love in what i do. my horse is always genuine. he takes care of me, and even though he goes blind to a jump 30ft in front of it and jumps out of memory, he goes. he leaps off a bank that to him looked like a cliff. he gallops up and leaps hoping he feels ground underneath. and we fly. and that is genuine and that is what i miss in the real world. everyone is so caught up in their ulterior motiives and in trying to get laid and trying to make money that they just look like lost souls to me, completely out of touch with anything i would consider genuine passion or love. and to them they live happily, and that is whats so wonderful, but for me.....for me it is just confused. i like my life right now because i didnt know what i wanted so i took the one thing that has never let me down and i broke my life down to just that, just that. the riding.
and by being here everything got simplified. it was wonderful. i would go somewhere and not know anyone, i would get lost in shelves of books and i would lay in the grass and i would just
be
me.
and then i was ready to try some new things. i went for what i WANTED and what i could use and what i wouldnt get attached to.
and o god it was fun not caring and not being cared about.
i liked not being on a pedastal, i liked him not knowing what i have been though i liked him thinking i was just some blonde he was playing. it was different and refreshing.
and all was well being like that, and then i woke up and just plain went blah.
so time to try again. im done being the perfect innocent girlfriend, that role sucked.
i enjoyed the sex abusing noncommited girl, that was fun.
but thats all it was
its been so undynamic. so basic. so exactly what i did want. note the past tense.
and in the end i look back at girl one - not me
look back at girl two - and not me
and thats new. for once i dont want a relationship unless it is genuine. not serious, but genuine.
someone who genuinely cares how my day went, and takes the time to understand my sport enough to comprehend my babble, and that doesnt pressure me for a n y t h i n g. nothing. not commitment not time not an i love you not a date when i will be home...whereever that is
and its like matt said, its hard to find someone to commit to something intangible.
intangible is the perfect word for me now. perfect.
i realize what i want is way above high standards. but i dont care.
i have been to both ends and back, and this is where i am now.