Past Thoughts

[buckshot_mc]

Dreamt about a woman I thought I lost feelings for.
Saw her with another man, everything turned different shades of green.
Wasnt because she was with a new man.
It just pissed me off how better he was treating her.
In the dream I walked up to her and told her how much I adored her and loved her.
She laughed and slapped me awake.

Comments

[majestic_lies]

First the one thing I ask is that you critique more than you post. I dont want to start asking for critiques in the new posts. so please, please start critiquing other members posts. It will help keep us more active. thank you.

Second The second line is very awkward and doesnt flow. I like that you used the imagery green instead of saying envy, that was nice, however, word economy is important here. same with the third and fourth line, word economy makes them not flow and awkward.
The whole thing seems very awkward and the lines dont have any type of rhythem.

[forgottenevil]

Very jagged.
But the last 2 lines were the best.- I think perhaps because I found them amusing.
I don’t know if the shortness of the sentences (I really don’t want to use the word snippy) is necessarily a bad thing, it just seems like you are telling something that perhaps you would prefer not to.
Very conversationalist to me, rather then poetical.
I’m sorry I just feel like I wanted more from it.
Although I by no means disliked it.

-i get the image of a construction worker standing around on his morning tea brake telling his mates this story...thats how it reads to me
(not to say that is a bad thing)