Being Stoic
[aka Coldness]
When I started dating Mr. Almost, I felt like I had to tell him random things about myself - like, how if we ever got serious, he would have to convert to my religion (cuz he doesn't go to church at all). Another time, I warned him not to be offended if I act "cold" to him... that this is just the way I am at times, and it has nothing to do with the way that I feel about him.
Most of the time, I feel like I am made of stone - cold and emotionless. There are times when I desperately want to feel something, anything... but am unable to. And then there is the other extreme, where I am filled with so much sadness or anger that I can't control it and it overflows, spilling out of me in great spurts.
I really hate being emotional. So much do I hate it that oftentimes, I push away the source of these emotions. The people with the potential to make me sad, to make me miss them, to hurt me... I like to keep them at an arm's distance. Cuz it hurts too much any other way. (Yeah, I know I'm weird that way)
Today my dad called me. He told me how much he missed me, and asked me why I don't call him more often.
Although I make excuses and say I am busy with work and other activities, we both know that I'm lying. I deliberately have been avoiding talking to him.
Recently, every time I see my parents, I see how they have aged physically. Every time I talk to my parents on the phone, they tell me about some new ailment. And for my dad, he is experiencing accelerated memory loss. I guess I'm afraid that he will succumb to dementia earlier than most. I'm afraid that one day, he will be there physically but not mentally, just a hollow shell and unable to remember me at all.
A couple weeks ago, one of my patients and his daughter reminded me of the relationship I have with my dad. And the pt's daughter... I saw her in the early stages of grieving - denial that her dad had deteriorated so much, mourning over the loss of what sort of man her father was, and then eventual acceptance of his fate.
I didn't even know how much it had affected me until I was driving home after my shift ended. All of a sudden, I thought of her sadness... and then I started bawling my eyes out while stuck at a traffic light.
It scares me to pieces that I'm at an age where my parents are so frail and vulnerable.
...Daddy, I love you... please don't get old just yet.
-/-
As I write this, I realize how stupid I am for not calling my dad more often. I should. I will talk to him more often.
...now if only I can stop my Runaway Bride tendencies with boys... that would be miraculous! :)
When I started dating Mr. Almost, I felt like I had to tell him random things about myself - like, how if we ever got serious, he would have to convert to my religion (cuz he doesn't go to church at all). Another time, I warned him not to be offended if I act "cold" to him... that this is just the way I am at times, and it has nothing to do with the way that I feel about him.
Most of the time, I feel like I am made of stone - cold and emotionless. There are times when I desperately want to feel something, anything... but am unable to. And then there is the other extreme, where I am filled with so much sadness or anger that I can't control it and it overflows, spilling out of me in great spurts.
I really hate being emotional. So much do I hate it that oftentimes, I push away the source of these emotions. The people with the potential to make me sad, to make me miss them, to hurt me... I like to keep them at an arm's distance. Cuz it hurts too much any other way. (Yeah, I know I'm weird that way)
Today my dad called me. He told me how much he missed me, and asked me why I don't call him more often.
Although I make excuses and say I am busy with work and other activities, we both know that I'm lying. I deliberately have been avoiding talking to him.
Recently, every time I see my parents, I see how they have aged physically. Every time I talk to my parents on the phone, they tell me about some new ailment. And for my dad, he is experiencing accelerated memory loss. I guess I'm afraid that he will succumb to dementia earlier than most. I'm afraid that one day, he will be there physically but not mentally, just a hollow shell and unable to remember me at all.
A couple weeks ago, one of my patients and his daughter reminded me of the relationship I have with my dad. And the pt's daughter... I saw her in the early stages of grieving - denial that her dad had deteriorated so much, mourning over the loss of what sort of man her father was, and then eventual acceptance of his fate.
I didn't even know how much it had affected me until I was driving home after my shift ended. All of a sudden, I thought of her sadness... and then I started bawling my eyes out while stuck at a traffic light.
It scares me to pieces that I'm at an age where my parents are so frail and vulnerable.
...Daddy, I love you... please don't get old just yet.
-/-
As I write this, I realize how stupid I am for not calling my dad more often. I should. I will talk to him more often.
...now if only I can stop my Runaway Bride tendencies with boys... that would be miraculous! :)