Lindsay's Wedding (Part 1 of 2)
This will be the last big emotional unload for me. It's been an emotional workout for me, but I'm now able to live in the present. I'm still open for anyone talking about this, but this will be the last big unload of on this matter. Not that I will resign from commenting further, but I resolved a lot of things on my own this weekend.
This will be in two posts as it's a little long. :)
Prior to lindsdan's wedding, I've been forcing to psych myself with the wedding. Allowing myself to work out my emotions and making sure I address everything I needed to address. I think very dynamically in any situation. It's the producer in me and why I'm good at programming; I think of all the possibilities I can account for. The dark side of this is that I can go on a thread of what-if when it isn't healthy for me to do so. A thought would pop up, but needed to learn to stop myself from pulling the thread. Writing out the wedding letter to Dan really helped me though this. The letters I won't share publicly, but it was my way of letting him know that I am happy for the both of them. Why I feel the way I do. How I want to incorporate him into our lives. To live in the present.
The Ceremony
It took me a few turnarounds, but I found the Stuart Ave Inn; Realizing it was on the same street Dan and Lindsay lived on before moving to Cincinnati. The ceremony itself was on the side lawn of the Inn with a white tent and a gazebo out in the distance. As I walked towards the entrance, I was thinking about whom I would possibly see here and the unsettling feeling that I'd be alone in this. The only people I knew that would be there was Lindsay, Dan (whom I met once), and Lindsay's immediate family (whom I met around three times). I had planned to bring my sister to the wedding, but I didn't plan this out very well and she was arriving from Seattle that night. I was to face this alone.
When I approached the gate, one of the groomsmen asked me "Bride or Groom and are you family?"
"Bride, and a good friend" I responded. He directed me to the bride side of the seats. It was a stadium seating arrangement with my side facing the groom side directly. I sat next to a friend of Lindsay's who was to do the first reading. She was stag too so we talked a little bit. I looked around for Lindsay but she was near the gazebo and hidden under some bushes.
The rain was going in spurts where the sun would show, followed by a light sprinkle, and repeat. Sometimes the wind would blow the leaves and tent, dumping some water to the ground. As it got closer to the ceremony, she and Dan moved to the gazebo in the distance and I got my first glance at her. I wanted to go and say hello, but so would everyone else in attendance.
The ceremony started with the small wedding party and parents advancing to the front of the tent. Then we all stood for Lindsay's entrance. It started to rain again, but it was a different kind of rain. The kind of rain you see in films that add enough light texture to the frame, but still making the rest of the scene with a soft warm glow. Lindsay looked beautiful.
As she approached the front of the tent, I realized that I would be staring at the back of Lindsay throughout the whole time. Perhaps it was best for me, but I'm sure for both the bride and groom it was unnerving in being unable to see the both of their faces at the same time.
At one point in the ceremony, the story was told on how they both met and the progression into their relationship. When the story came to Dec 2001, that was the first time I was catching myself from getting caught up. That was the time I made the call to leave Kalamazoo and apply to Emerson. Thus making the rest of the story unfold.
For the rest of the ceremony, I was in a mix of emotions for which I don't have vocabulary for. Concurrently, I was happy for the both of them while being warped into a series of memories that will forever be imprinted in the hard files of my soul. For months, I thought I needed to hold the hand of someone I trusted to get though this. I realized that standing alone was the best way for me to rid myself of a past and an inexistent future. Live in the moment.
This moment I own for myself and draw the line in sharing with others. There are a few things that I will forever keep as mine. My emotions and thinking during this time is one of them.
The ceremony ended and I let out a sigh of happy relief. It was done and I was doing fine. At this point I was trying to find out what to do with myself. The only person that I had any immediate need to talk to was Lindsay, and she was rushed off with Dan to sign the license. I stood around for a few moments to let a few people start to leave. I walked to the car, got in, and picked up the phone to call Amanda *B*.
I needed to tell someone that I was ok. That was a moment I also allowed myself to get a little undone. A release valve of sorts. I needed to tell someone that I had made it though. I made a rule not to talk about it to anyone during the ceremony and reception. Talking with Amanda *B* allowed me to keep this rule.
Pre-Reception
Now it was time to start driving to the reception. It was at a place called the STAR Building, which used to be the Kaftbraw Brewery. As I drove out, I passed the car which Dan & Lindsay were riding; A convertible with the two of them sitting on top of the back seats. I looked up the address on Google Maps from the invites.. and it wasn't there. For the next 40 minuets I was circling around downtown Kalamazoo trying to find the place. It was when I was at a stoplight and looked at a marque that said "Congratulations Dan & Lindsay!" that I found the place.
I parked at the same time Dan and his sister pulled in. This, incidentally, was the second time I ever talked to Dan. Told him how I couldn't find the place for 40 minuets and glad to see I wasn't late. "Um, the reception isn't till 6." he tells me. Go me for reading comprehension!
Most of the family and friends were chilling at Bell's Brewery across the street. We walked to the pub and I talked about the flight/trip here and a few other things. Got him and myself a porter, celebrating the fact that both drinks were $5 together (take that SF bars!). The family had taken over the upstairs section of the bar and started introducing and talking with them. This was mostly Dan's family. After about 20 minuets, Dan told me that Lindsay was there, but stuck saying hello to people on the ground floor. Impatient to see her, I decided to go to her before she walked up the stairs.
I turned down the stairs... and there she was. The unexpectedness of seeing her right there, finally meeting face to face, took my breath away. She looked so beautiful. She too was shocked by me suddenly appearing at the stair, and let out a soft, warm smile. I walked the remaining steps down and we hugged each other tightly.
"You look so beautiful." as I whispered into her ear.
We walked up the stairs and the rest of the family greeted her with some family song. Something about sister someone... I didn't really get the background. She sat down and I moved to sit near her. I know my time to spend actually talking to her was limited, so I was trying to capitalize the moment. Then the photographers came in and wanted to take some more photos outside in the lawn of the brewery. Lindsay turned to me and told me she wanted some photos with me. The only other people who came out was Dan and his sister, so this really meant a lot to me. This was the point where I had enough acknowledgment for being there. Not that I had doubts, but this small gesture confirmed that I wasn't set aside but still apart of not only Lindsay's life, but now apart of Dan's as well.
As we were out there taking photos, someone of Dan's family walked out and told us one of the brides maids *MK*, just had a seizure and fell on her head. Lindsay rushed inside and the rest of us slowly followed inside. It wasn't so much the seizure but falling on her head that required the 911 call. They came rather quick and I stayed downstairs with the photographers while they were treating her. She was going to the ER to make sure there wasn't any head trauma. Once they cleared out, the rest of us returned back upstairs.
Needless to say the mood was rather somber. I was starting my Tweets about the wedding and this situation. When more family turned up, we were told that we could go into the reception hall. Dan's mother (I think?) was ready to go early, and I decided to walk with her to the building. She asked about me and suddenly went "Oh, you're Seg from San Francisco. Dan told me about you." This line was pretty frequent during the event.
In the interim, Lindsay was checking her Facebook and was commenting on all of my own status updates, responding to my other friends who commented. As Amanda told her:
"Good to know. Also, shouldn't you be enjoying your reception? :D"
I love Lindsay. She checks the Facebook on her wedding day. :)
Continue with Part 2.
Update: The bar was actually Bell's Brewery. Corrected as such.
This will be in two posts as it's a little long. :)
Prior to lindsdan's wedding, I've been forcing to psych myself with the wedding. Allowing myself to work out my emotions and making sure I address everything I needed to address. I think very dynamically in any situation. It's the producer in me and why I'm good at programming; I think of all the possibilities I can account for. The dark side of this is that I can go on a thread of what-if when it isn't healthy for me to do so. A thought would pop up, but needed to learn to stop myself from pulling the thread. Writing out the wedding letter to Dan really helped me though this. The letters I won't share publicly, but it was my way of letting him know that I am happy for the both of them. Why I feel the way I do. How I want to incorporate him into our lives. To live in the present.
The Ceremony
It took me a few turnarounds, but I found the Stuart Ave Inn; Realizing it was on the same street Dan and Lindsay lived on before moving to Cincinnati. The ceremony itself was on the side lawn of the Inn with a white tent and a gazebo out in the distance. As I walked towards the entrance, I was thinking about whom I would possibly see here and the unsettling feeling that I'd be alone in this. The only people I knew that would be there was Lindsay, Dan (whom I met once), and Lindsay's immediate family (whom I met around three times). I had planned to bring my sister to the wedding, but I didn't plan this out very well and she was arriving from Seattle that night. I was to face this alone.
When I approached the gate, one of the groomsmen asked me "Bride or Groom and are you family?"
"Bride, and a good friend" I responded. He directed me to the bride side of the seats. It was a stadium seating arrangement with my side facing the groom side directly. I sat next to a friend of Lindsay's who was to do the first reading. She was stag too so we talked a little bit. I looked around for Lindsay but she was near the gazebo and hidden under some bushes.
The rain was going in spurts where the sun would show, followed by a light sprinkle, and repeat. Sometimes the wind would blow the leaves and tent, dumping some water to the ground. As it got closer to the ceremony, she and Dan moved to the gazebo in the distance and I got my first glance at her. I wanted to go and say hello, but so would everyone else in attendance.
The ceremony started with the small wedding party and parents advancing to the front of the tent. Then we all stood for Lindsay's entrance. It started to rain again, but it was a different kind of rain. The kind of rain you see in films that add enough light texture to the frame, but still making the rest of the scene with a soft warm glow. Lindsay looked beautiful.
As she approached the front of the tent, I realized that I would be staring at the back of Lindsay throughout the whole time. Perhaps it was best for me, but I'm sure for both the bride and groom it was unnerving in being unable to see the both of their faces at the same time.
At one point in the ceremony, the story was told on how they both met and the progression into their relationship. When the story came to Dec 2001, that was the first time I was catching myself from getting caught up. That was the time I made the call to leave Kalamazoo and apply to Emerson. Thus making the rest of the story unfold.
For the rest of the ceremony, I was in a mix of emotions for which I don't have vocabulary for. Concurrently, I was happy for the both of them while being warped into a series of memories that will forever be imprinted in the hard files of my soul. For months, I thought I needed to hold the hand of someone I trusted to get though this. I realized that standing alone was the best way for me to rid myself of a past and an inexistent future. Live in the moment.
This moment I own for myself and draw the line in sharing with others. There are a few things that I will forever keep as mine. My emotions and thinking during this time is one of them.
The ceremony ended and I let out a sigh of happy relief. It was done and I was doing fine. At this point I was trying to find out what to do with myself. The only person that I had any immediate need to talk to was Lindsay, and she was rushed off with Dan to sign the license. I stood around for a few moments to let a few people start to leave. I walked to the car, got in, and picked up the phone to call Amanda *B*.
I needed to tell someone that I was ok. That was a moment I also allowed myself to get a little undone. A release valve of sorts. I needed to tell someone that I had made it though. I made a rule not to talk about it to anyone during the ceremony and reception. Talking with Amanda *B* allowed me to keep this rule.
Pre-Reception
Now it was time to start driving to the reception. It was at a place called the STAR Building, which used to be the Kaftbraw Brewery. As I drove out, I passed the car which Dan & Lindsay were riding; A convertible with the two of them sitting on top of the back seats. I looked up the address on Google Maps from the invites.. and it wasn't there. For the next 40 minuets I was circling around downtown Kalamazoo trying to find the place. It was when I was at a stoplight and looked at a marque that said "Congratulations Dan & Lindsay!" that I found the place.
I parked at the same time Dan and his sister pulled in. This, incidentally, was the second time I ever talked to Dan. Told him how I couldn't find the place for 40 minuets and glad to see I wasn't late. "Um, the reception isn't till 6." he tells me. Go me for reading comprehension!
Most of the family and friends were chilling at Bell's Brewery across the street. We walked to the pub and I talked about the flight/trip here and a few other things. Got him and myself a porter, celebrating the fact that both drinks were $5 together (take that SF bars!). The family had taken over the upstairs section of the bar and started introducing and talking with them. This was mostly Dan's family. After about 20 minuets, Dan told me that Lindsay was there, but stuck saying hello to people on the ground floor. Impatient to see her, I decided to go to her before she walked up the stairs.
I turned down the stairs... and there she was. The unexpectedness of seeing her right there, finally meeting face to face, took my breath away. She looked so beautiful. She too was shocked by me suddenly appearing at the stair, and let out a soft, warm smile. I walked the remaining steps down and we hugged each other tightly.
"You look so beautiful." as I whispered into her ear.
We walked up the stairs and the rest of the family greeted her with some family song. Something about sister someone... I didn't really get the background. She sat down and I moved to sit near her. I know my time to spend actually talking to her was limited, so I was trying to capitalize the moment. Then the photographers came in and wanted to take some more photos outside in the lawn of the brewery. Lindsay turned to me and told me she wanted some photos with me. The only other people who came out was Dan and his sister, so this really meant a lot to me. This was the point where I had enough acknowledgment for being there. Not that I had doubts, but this small gesture confirmed that I wasn't set aside but still apart of not only Lindsay's life, but now apart of Dan's as well.
As we were out there taking photos, someone of Dan's family walked out and told us one of the brides maids *MK*, just had a seizure and fell on her head. Lindsay rushed inside and the rest of us slowly followed inside. It wasn't so much the seizure but falling on her head that required the 911 call. They came rather quick and I stayed downstairs with the photographers while they were treating her. She was going to the ER to make sure there wasn't any head trauma. Once they cleared out, the rest of us returned back upstairs.
Needless to say the mood was rather somber. I was starting my Tweets about the wedding and this situation. When more family turned up, we were told that we could go into the reception hall. Dan's mother (I think?) was ready to go early, and I decided to walk with her to the building. She asked about me and suddenly went "Oh, you're Seg from San Francisco. Dan told me about you." This line was pretty frequent during the event.
In the interim, Lindsay was checking her Facebook and was commenting on all of my own status updates, responding to my other friends who commented. As Amanda told her:
"Good to know. Also, shouldn't you be enjoying your reception? :D"
I love Lindsay. She checks the Facebook on her wedding day. :)
Continue with Part 2.
Update: The bar was actually Bell's Brewery. Corrected as such.