Ow

[cleolinda]

As I just said on Twitter, I keep forgetting that chronic health issues are chronic and that I can't just wait them out. "Oh, I feel like shit today, I'll post/work/exercise once the aches and/or pains and/or anxieties have let up." And then they just... don't, and another four weeks have slipped by. In fact, I'm typing this straight into the "new

Comments

[strannik01]

It has, perhaps contrary to expectation, been a largely positive experience.

As someone who may or may not have Asberger's Syndrome (I was never formally diagnosed, but I have displayed behaviors that sure look a lot like it), I can definitely see that. It puts a name and a label on an unknowable thing that has been part of you all your life. Whether that exact label is correct or not, at least it's something, which is vastly preferable to wondering what the heck is wrong with me. In my experience.

Besides, Asperger's/High Functioning Autism/What Have You can be useful when you are dealing with reams of dry information and facts. And it's not like the whole "having trouble socializing with people" thing means you're never going to be able to get better at it. I've gotten better at it since my ex dragged me (kicking and screaming) out into the wider world, and getting a job that requires me to talk to people a lot (journalism) helped too. So is having people who care, which, in your case, is in no short supply.

[cleolinda]

The weird thing is that I actually got relatively good at socializing in the right settings--at conventions, I've freely talked to strangers, hugged people I've never met before, done panels, all kinds of things. I tend to clam up if I feel like I'm at a huge disadvantage, like at a party with college friends who all have interesting adult careers and I... don't, and I'm vaguely terrified that's going to come up

[marsdejahthoris]

I am extremely gregarious in many ways, and I have Aspergers. But I socialize almost OFFENSIVELY, as a shotgun approach thing. People who are put off by my behavior, I don't talk to them again, but there are people who don't care, so hey, people. And I knew "sensory overload" was a thing long before I knew I was autistic, so that helped. (I got diagnosed in college, about a decade ago.) Mostly my diagnosis has resulted in more vocabulary to talk about my issues, and my mother actually UNDERSTANDING my behavior, instead of accepting it with bemused bewilderment.

[queenofzan]

One late-diagnosis autistic person to a (probable) nother, the autistic community (at least online) has been one of the most welcoming places I've ever been. Because of just the things you mention in your post, most autistic people I know are way accepting of things like "I'm not sure" or self-diagnosis or whatever. For most of us, we spent enough time getting things "wrong" for no apparent reason that we don't want to shut out people who could benefit from inclusion

[cleolinda]

One of the things that really sold me on the idea of probably being autistic was the idea of fear being a primary emotion. Because I am afraid of like everything all the time, and have explicitly said to people more than once, "What I feel the most is fear." Not literal phobias but this constant ambient anxiety that I'm about to fuck something up. What I *saw* of the autistic community *looked* incredibly welcoming; it's almost a testament to the idea that I probably am autistic that my immediate feeling nonetheless was "I'M GONNA FUCK THIS UP AND THEY'RE GONNA HATE ME." Just constant baseless terror that I'm going to do something "wrong," exactly like you're saying

[ext_3770035]

Heeeey Cleo

[cleolinda]

Mostly Some People on Tumblr: A Tale of Personal Anxiety, for real. I posted a link to this on there a couple of hours ago and screamed a little before I could do it, tbh.

I can probably grab you on Tumblr, though, if I think of something to ask--thanks!

[sinij_stepler]

I really don't know what to write to support you, I'm not good in supporting people. Just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you're in pain. And that I hope with all my heart , you'll feel better.

[cleolinda]

Aw, that's good, though. Thank you. :)

[renleigh]

Good luck with your diagnosis. Can I just say thank you for being so open with talking about mental health? I remember finding your blog years ago and just being blown away that someone was being so candid, and it really helped fight the stigma for me. This year I finally started seeing a therapist, which led to me starting medication recently. I finally feel a lot better, and you helped pave the way by making mental health stuff not seem so scary. Thank you!

[cleolinda]

Aw, glad I could help! I kinda needed 2-3 months to process this whole business for myself, but I figured I would get to the "talking about it" point eventually, and it does seem to help.

[keleri]

I suspect I'm in the same category re: autism with many of the same difficulties although I still need a diagnosis, but with the possibility in mind it's helped so much to be able to expect when and how I'll run out of spoons and to be able to say "nope, I'm overloaded, I can't go/have to go home now" versus "WHY AREN'T I HAVING FUN AFTER AN EARLY MORNING AND SIX ACTIVITIES???????"

FWIW I've been hearing from more and more women/trans people/people with atypical autism presentations and it's a very familiar story, so you are/may be in good company. Kintsugi is a nice little community if you're ever looking for people to chat with.

[cleolinda]

Spoon theory has really, really helped me explain the overload thing to people, particularly my mom. Like I can even get a spoon or two back if I have a bottle of water or five minutes of quiet, but if we plan to do something, I am really rationing out the spoons there and I need to have an idea of what all we're planning to do. You can't just spring an extra five errands on me or I am going to be Done way sooner than I planned. It's not that I'm entirely unspontaneous, I'm happy to change plans or add things sometimes, but it really depends on how many spoons I have at that time.

It's funny, I have been noticing so many more people over the years being diagnosed, both as kids and late in life as adults, that I'm starting to think of the spectrum as something literally everyone is on, and "neurotypical" is just the far end of it. I'm not big on imposing modern diagnoses on historical figures, but there genuinely are a number of people who pretty plainly seem to have been autistic before "autism" was recognized.

[editornia]

It's funny, I have been noticing so many more people over the years being diagnosed, both as kids and late in life as adults, that I'm starting to think of the spectrum as something literally everyone is on, and "neurotypical" is just the far end of it.

You know, this makes a lot of sense. I mostly hang with Introverts, and a lot of us could be classed as "on the autism scale". Maybe the weird people of the world (politicians and the like) are the people who aren't on this scale?

It's good that you're back. I'm sorry you're in pain. I like your posts. And I can't word very well now (it's been suggested my at least a couple of my doctors that I'm somewhere on the scale, and my "I can't word very well right now" is probably part of that), but I'm glad you're writing posts gain, and taking time out for you. I wish you Wellness and Little-to-no-Pain and Many Spoons. <3