Breaking Dawn, Book Two
So you're here from part one? Okay, before we get into this, let's do two things. Number one: If you are pregnant, do not read this section of the book. You may not even want to read this section of the commentary. I don't even plan on having kids and it squicked me the hell out. It's like David Cronenberg took over the book for a hundred pages or so, seriously.
(Another reason you can skip this? This section is kind of like the camping section in Deathly Hallows: just when you're ready to kill yourself from boredom, you find out there's another hundred pages of it.)
I would also like to state this clearly and up front before I inadvertently offend someone: I have no problem with babies, children, kids, what-have-you. I like them once they're old enough, I was one, I'm glad people have them, I'm glad my mother had them. A good friend of mine is going to have one and I'm thrilled for her. I don't personally want or plan on bearing children, but I think I'd make a great aunt or stepmother. So when I complain that all the characters are so obsessed with baaaaabieeeees, what I mean is that every single female character in the series who expresses an opinion on the subject--Bella, Rosalie, Esme, and now Leah as well (and even some of the men!)--insist that bearing children is the most important thing ever, worth dying for, and not worth living without. And if they feel that way, you know, okay. The problem is that there is no character who feels any differently. There's no one who is ever able to say, "You know, I'm happy for you, and I am also a complete person without a baby myself." It starts to take on the subtext that women exist for the sole purpose of being mothers and that's galling, is all I'm saying.
Okay, second thing: let's go back through the supporting characters, vampire and werewolf, before we get started here, because they're all back in play for the rest of the book after a predominantly Edward-Bella section, and it'll be easier to go down the roster now:
The Cullens are a group of unrelated vampires who pretend to be a family--a doctor and his wife who look to be in their early thirties (or thereabouts), and their five late-teens/early-twenties adopted/foster kids--to blend in with society. Carlisle Cullen became a vampire in, like, the 1600s or something, and about a hundred years ago he made Edward (dying of influenza) to be his son, and then he made Esme (dying of a suicide attempt after HER BABY died, I'M JUST SAYING) to be his own wife and Rosalie (dying of... gang rape, what?) to be for Edward, except that Edward didn't like her and pretty princess Rosalie was more insulted than hurt, really, so she ended up making Emmett for herself. Vampires tend to bring their strengths from life into The Beyond or whatever, which often means that they kind of end up with superpowers, or at least some defining trait. Carlisle's seems to be "compassion," as he's trained his family to hunt animals instead of people, and he's a fantastic doctor. Esme's is, uh... being maternal. Emmett's a genial sort of meathead who's rilly, rilly strong. Edward can read minds (except not Bella's, because she is a special snowflake), and Rosalie has 1) extreme beauty, 2) an eternal obsession with the babies she never got to have, and 3) awesome powers of bitchcraft. You'll see. There was also another vampire, Jasper, who got all scarred up in the Mexican vampire wars, and his power is being able to affect the mood of a room, usually to calm people down, but also to stir them up if necessary. One day he ran into this other vampire, Alice (squee!), who can see the future (unless it involves werewolves) and steal hot cars and she was like, "Hey baby, I psychically know that we're meant to be, what took you so long?," and then she dragged him over to the Cullens', who had never even met either of them before, and was like, "Hey, which room is ours?" And that's because Alice is awesome. So the Cullen family is essentially a group of couples: Carlisle and Esme, Rosalie and Emmett, Alice and Jasper, and then Edward all by himself until finally he met Bella Adoraklutz Swan, the end.
The Quileutes are a tribe of Native Americans on the nearby La Push reservation, and apparently they go on Quileuting happily until vampires settle in the area, at which point the current generation of young people will FURSPLODE! into werewolves. So when the Cullens rolled back into Forks a couple of years ago, all of a sudden half the teenage Quileute boys started running super high temperatures and having giant growth spurts and OH TURNING INTO WOLVES, THERE IS ALSO THAT. And the tribe elders were all like, Aw, hell, this again. It's mostly kept a secret, although some of the Quileute families know what's going on with their kids (the werewolves can "phase" in and out of being wolfy, so they can pretend to be normal), and the wolves patrol the woods to make sure the Cullens only hunt animals in "their" territory and don't cross the line or bite people. Jacob Black became Bella's best friend in the second book, he came down with a fever of a hundred and werewolf, she broke his heart sixteen times, he's still in love with her, etc. Sam is the young chief of the werewolf pack (Jacob should be, by blood and descent, but got weirded out by the idea of authority and turned it down. I WONDER IF THIS WILL COME UP AGAIN), and he was engaged to Leah, but then he imprinted on her cousin (I think?) Emily, and had "no choice" but to ditch Leah and love Emily instead, and it was totally awkward. And then Leah became, like, the first and only female werewolf in Quileute history, and when the Quileutes are in wolf form, they can all hear each other's thoughts and cannot, in fact, hide them from each other. So the Sam/Leah thing is still SO VERY, VERY AWKWARD. And now, not only do the wolves have to listen to Leah being bitter in Sam's general direction all the time, they also have to listen to Jacob mope over Bella. Also, Quil imprinted on Emily's niece Claire, which sets new records for awkwardness because Claire is two years old. And Seth, Leah's little brother, is a younger wolf who fought by Edward's side in the third book, and he and Edward are totally in love BFF now, even though wolves and vampires used to hate each other. Seth is my favorite. : D
Book Two: Jacob! Oh Lord.
See, here’s the thing: I did like Jacob in New Moon. I hated the furry douche he became in Eclipse. The thing is, I think I hate what both Jacob and Bella turn into when they’re around each other, now that Bella’s admitted she can’t ever love anyone more than Edward. Please, please let Jacob imprint on someone soon so the bitter obsessive moping can stop, I’m begging you.
(Note from the future: This comment has ominous significance now in light of what’s to come.)
I will say, though, that Jacob’s chapter titles are for the win.
Preface: Life sucks, and then you die.
Yeah, I should be so lucky.
So… bitterness it is!
Chapter 8: "Waiting for the Damn Fight to Start Already"
Ah, Paul’s imprinted on Jacob’s sist… wait, Jacob has a sister?
Meanwhile, Jacob worries about how Bella’s death will inevitably be faked so she can go be a vampire and thinks about doing something stupid, like picking fights with the super-strong, super-fast Cullens. Of course, then he’ll see that she’s neither sick nor dying nor vampired, but rather, deeply pregnant. At which point he will shit a brick.
And then we check in with Quil and Claire-you know, the teenage werewolf who imprinted on the two-year-old. “Imprinting,” for those of you just joining us, is a love-at-first-sight thing where a wolf guy (or girl, I suppose, given Leah’s presence in the pack) sees someone for the first time and that someone instantly becomes the center of his (or her) universe. As Jacob painstakingly explains to Bella in New Moon, it’s not (necessarily) a sexual thing: whatever Claire needs-a brother, a friend, a lover-Quil will be that for her, because “that kind of love and devotion is hard to resist.” Read: Claire has absolutely no choice in this at all, and is going to end up with a guy she’s practically been raised with (by?). So let’s see how that whole toddler-teenager romance thing is going, shall we?“Sounds like somebody’s hit the terrible twos.”
“Threes actually,” Quil corrected. “You missed the party. Princess theme. She made me wear a crown, and then Emily suggested they all try out her new play makeup on me.”
[...] The weird part was, Quil was having just as much fun as she was. He didn’t have that face on that so many of the tourist dads and moms were wearing-the when-is-naptime? face. You never saw a real parent so jazzed to play whatever stupid kiddie sport their rugrat could think up. I’d seen Quil play peekaboo for an hour straight without getting bored. And I couldn’t even make fun of him for it-I envied him too much.
Though I did think it sucked that he had a good fourteen years of monk-i-tude ahead of him until Claire was his age-for Quil, at least, it was a good thing werewolves didn’t get older. But even all that time didn’t seem to bother him much.
This shit is wrong, y’all.
Meanwhile, all the werewolves are still involuntarily hearing each other’s thoughts when they’re in wolf form:There was a low grumble through the pack. I moaned along with them. When Jared finally showed up, no doubt he’d still be thinking about Kim. And nobody wanted a replay of what they were up to right now.
Mmm, psychic werewolf soap opera. (Note from the future: We never do find out what happened with the werewolf paternity drama from the third book.)
Ah, now the wolves are finding out that Bella’s “quarantined with a rare South American disease,” which seems to confirm Jacob’s worst fears (seriously, if you didn’t know better, it would sound pretty fake), so I’m sure he’ll be bounding over to the Cullens' to break in and see her and then be horrified that she’s pregnant, etc., etc.
Sam the werewolf chief Alpha-Orders the pack not to attack the Cullens. So Jacob decides he as an individual doesn’t count under that order, and off he goes! Oh, Jacob.When I finished with [Edward], I’d take as many of the rest of them as I could before they got me. Huh-I wondered if Sam would consider my death provocation. Probably say I got what I deserved. Wouldn’t want to offend his bloodsucker BFFs.
Heh.
Chapter 8: "Sure as Hell Didn't See That One Coming"
And now Jacob sees that Bella is massively, super-acceleratedly pregnant. Like, nine months pregnant after only a few weeks. Unfortunately she looks like death warmed over two days late, because Bella’s vampire baby is killing her and Edward’s sparkle is deeply chagrined because he blames himself, and nobody can get to Bella to let them take the baby out and save her because she’s got Rosalie (who craves babies, remember?) standing guard. So here’s… Jacob to help?“I don’t care about anything but keeping her alive,” [Edward] said, suddenly focused now. “If it’s a child she wants, she can have it. She can have half a dozen babies. Anything she wants.” He paused for one beat. “She can have puppies, if that’s what it takes.”
Okay, my mouth fell open here.What was he saying? That Bella should, what? Have a baby? With me? What? How? Was he giving her up? Or did he think she wouldn’t mind being shared?
“Whichever. Whatever keeps her alive.”
Yeah, it’s still open.I couldn’t think about what he was suggesting. It was too much. Impossible. Wrong. Sick. Borrowing Bella for the weekends and then returning her Monday morning like a rental movie? So messed up.
So tempting.
DAMN.I felt like-like I don’t know what. Like this wasn’t real. Like I was in some Goth version of a bad sitcom. Instead of being the A/V dweeb about to ask the head cheerleader to the prom, I was the finished-second-place werewolf about to ask the vampire’s wife to shack up and procreate. Nice.
Oh, and also, Jacob agrees to mercy-kill Edward if Bella dies. Y’all, if they make it this far, this is going to be the most fucked-up movie ever.
Chapter 10: "Why Didn't I Just Walk Away? Oh, Right, Because I'm an Idiot."
So now, Jacob's supposed to go in and talk to Bella and convince her to... do something. I don't know. They don't know. Tell her anything she'll listen to long enough to shake her resolve to keep the baby so they can save her (although Edward has promised that if werewolf babies are what she'll settle for, he won't go back on his word on that one). She laughed. “It’s so good having you here. It feels nice to smile. I don’t know how much more drama I can stand.”
I rolled my eyes.
I’m just… throwing that out there.
Meanwhile, Death Baby's in-utero antics are making me extremely anxious, though OH WAIT IS THIS TOTALLY WHY EDWARD IS GOING TO VAMPIRE HER? BECAUSE SHE NEARLY DIES? Ah, apparently Bella is thinking the same thing I am: she’s okay with Death Baby potentially killing her, as long as she can get Edward’s venom in her system before her heart stops. Unfortunately...
... Sam has totally changed his tune about the treaty once he hears about all this and is ready to kill “the mutant” now, and Alpha-Orders (you know, because he’s the Alpha Wolf, and when he gives a command, the other wolves physically cannot disobey it) everyone to get with the Killing Death Baby and Possibly Bella program. As we know, however, Jacob is supposed to be the real wolf chief but turned it down, so I wonder if that will impact this…
Chapter 11: "The Two Things at the Very Top of My Things-I-Never-Want-to-Do List"
And there it was-a thought I’d never, never wanted to have. But now, with my legs all tied up in strings, I recognized the exception with relief-more than relief, with a fierce joy. No one could dispute the Alpha’s decision-except for me.
Yup.[Jacob:] I’m not telling you to step aside.
[Sam:] If you order them to follow you-
[Jacob:] I’ll never take anyone’s will away from him.
OHHHHHH SHIT SOMEBODY GOT SERVED.
So Jacob basically says, "Hey, you guys, it was real, but I can't be having with this so y'all have fun, peace," and leaves Sam to be the alpha while he goes to protect Bella and warn the Cullens. And once he does this, he is no longer connected to the pack's thoughts. However, Seth then breaks off and joins Jacob whether Jacob likes it or not, so now Jacob has his own mini-pack, and they can hear each other's thoughts.And then we were across the road and moving through the forest that ringed the Cullens’ house. Could Edward hear us yet?
(Seth:) Maybe we should be thinking something like, “We come in peace.”
(Jacob:) Go for it.
(Seth:) Edward? He [mentally] called the name tentatively. Edward, you there? Okay, now I feel kinda stupid.
(Jacob:) You sound stupid, too.
Awww, Seth. How do I love Seth? Let me skip around a couple of chapters and count the ways:>> I’ll run the border, Jake. I’m not tired at all. Seth was so glad I hadn’t forced them home, he was all but prancing with excitement.
>> And then he was howling. Oh, man! No way! You did not! That just plain ol’ sucks rocks, Jacob! And you know it, too! I can’t believe you [told Edward] you’d kill him. What is that? You have to tell him no.
>> (Seth:) There’s nothing wrong with you, Jake. This isn’t the most normal situation.
(Jacob:) Shut up, please, Seth.
(Seth:) Shutting.
There has been a distinct lack of awesomeness on Alice’s part so far this book, so I’m glad that Seth is picking up the slack, even if it’s more of a puppy-eager kind of way rather than a hot-car-stealing kind of way.
(Also, I swear that I do not recall the Cullens ever calling Jasper "Jazz" before.)
Chapter 12: "Some People Just Don't Grasp the Concept of 'Unwelcome'"
And then Leah shows up to join Jacob's pack! They kind of hate each other (mostly because Jacob's fed up with her bitterness), so that's all new kinds of awkward. He thinks at first it's because she wants to make sure her brother Seth doesn't get his ass killed, and then she points out to Jacob that, um, hello, anything would be better than being in Sam's pack now that he's with Emily. Mmm, it's time for another episode of All My Werewolves.(Leah:) "Shut up, Jacob. Oops, I’m sorry-I meant, shut up, most high Alpha."
I have to say, Meyer has always let her snark flag fly with the werewolves--even in New Moon, they're funny. So that breaks up the monotony of Bella's horrifically squickful pregnancy somewhat.
Also, Edward is still in staring dead-eyed guilt mode:“The fetus isn’t compatible with her body. Too strong, for one thing, but she could probably endure that for a while. The bigger problem is that it won’t allow her to get the sustenance she needs. Her body is rejecting every form of nutrition. I’m trying to feed her intravenously, but she’s just not absorbing it. Everything about her condition is accelerated. I’m watching her-and not just her, but the fetus as well-starve to death by the hour. I can’t stop it and I can’t slow it down. I can’t figure out what it wants.” His weary voice broke at the end.
Oooooh, creepy. That’s a compliment, by the way.
(If you’d told me a week ago that Breaking Dawn was going to be about Bella Swan Cullen fighting off a vampire fetus, I would have laughed in your face.)
And then, we have this revelation: “Think about it, Carlisle. If that creature is more vampire than human, can’t you guess what it craves-what it’s not getting? Jacob did.”
I did? I ran through the conversation, trying to remember what thoughts I’d kept to myself. I remembered at the same time that Carlisle understood.
“Oh,” he said in a surprised tone. “You think it is . . . thirsty?”
AHHHHHHHHH fantastic. DEATH BABY CRAVES BLOOD. Somewhere, David Cronenberg is calling up his agent to see if they can boot Catherine Hardwicke off the series and let him direct instead.
(omg, does Death Baby bite Bella in utero and vampire her?)
Chapter 13: "Good Thing I've Got a Strong Stomach"
And then Carlisle and the psycho in question [Rosalie] were there. Carlisle had a white plastic cup in his hand-the kind with a lid and a bendy straw. Oh-not clear; now I got it.
Oh shit, I’d forgotten that blood grosses Bella out. (Technically, this would be a smashing opportunity for Stephenie Meyer to remind the reader that one of the key moments early in Bella and Edward's relationship was when she passed out during a blood-typing unit in biology class and Edward had to carry her to the nurse's office. Like, that's how much the sight--actually, the smell--of blood grosses Bella out. Except that... Jacob's narrating this section, and he wasn't there when that happened, and I doubt Bella ever told him about it. Fair enough.) Well, this is just wonderful. Except that… it turns out that Bella’s kind of into drinking the blood, because of the baby. Huh. Like, really into drinking the blood. You know, through her straw. In her sippy cup.Bella chugged a few more ounces
JACOB, IT’S NOT A SLURPEELeah whipped her head back and forth like she was trying to shake the image out of her mind. That is easily the freakin’ grossest thing I’ve heard in my life. Yuck. If there was anything in my stomach, it would be coming back.
Sing it, Leah.
So then Jared, one of the other wolves, comes to try to convince Seth and Leah to come back to Sam's primary pack and stop tearing their families apart omg:“Anyway, please, Leah. We want you back. Sam wants you back.”
Leah’s tail twitched.
“Sam told me to beg. He told me to literally get down on my knees if I have to. He wants you home, Lee-lee, where you belong.”
I saw Leah flinch when Jared used Sam’s old nickname for her. And then, when he added those last three words, her hackles rose and she was yowling a long stream of snarls through her teeth. I didn’t have to be in her head to hear the cussing-out she was giving him, and neither did he. You could almost hear the exact words she was using.
I waited till she was done. “I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Leah belongs wherever she wants to be.”
Okay, so Leah is kind of awesome.
Chapter 14: "You Know Things Are Bad When You Feel Guilty for Being Rude to Vampires"
So the vampire-werewolf thing is at a stalemate for the moment while the wolves wait to see if the Cullens can save Bella or not. Bella's feeling better now that she's chugged about a quart of donated blood (yeah, the next time your hospital runs low, you know who to blame) and she's snarfing down scrambled eggs again (O the symbolism! I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR) and she's thrilled to see Jacob again: What was with her? For crying out loud, she was married! Happily married, too-there was no question that she was in love with her vampire past the boundaries of sanity. And hugely pregnant, to top it off. So why did she have to be so damn thrilled to see me? Like I’d made her whole freakin’ day by walking through the door. If she would just not care... Or more than that-really not want me around. It would be so much easier to stay away.
I gotta tell you, it is so nice to have someone to call Bella out on her shit. (Note from the future: At least there’s a plot-related payoff to this.)
And now Death Baby’s breaking ribs. Jesus. So while the Cullens haul Bella upstairs to their makeshift medical center for some X-rays (I'm not making this up. Shit, they can afford islands, right?), Jacob catches some Zs, and when he wakes up, he finds Seth with his arm around Bella (to keep her warm--the wolves run super high temperatures, if you will recall) while snorfling down omelets and cinnamon rolls that Edward made for him (I told you it was love).
Chapter 15: "TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK"
Hey, what's Jacob getting to eat?There was a lot of banging in the kitchen, and-weirdly-the sound of metal protesting as it was abused. Edward sighed again, but smiled just a little, too. Then Rosalie was back before I could think much more about it. With a pleased smirk, she set a silver bowl on the floor next to me.
“Enjoy, mongrel.”
It had once probably been a big mixing bowl, but she’d bent the bowl back in on itself until it was shaped almost exactly like a dog dish. I had to be impressed with her quick craftsmanship. And her attention to detail. She’d scratched the word Fido into the side. Excellent handwriting.
I kind of hate Rosalie, but that was awesome in an OH NO SHE DI-IN’T way.
Hey! We haven't ridden that tired love triangle pony in a while!“It feels . . . complete when you’re here, Jacob. Like all my family is together. I mean, I guess that’s what it’s like-I’ve never had a big family before now. It’s nice.” [Bella] smiled for half a second. “But it’s just not whole unless you’re here.”
GOD, NOT THIS AGAIN. Look, either commit to a ménage à trois or give it up already.“From what little research we’ve been able to do, it would appear the creatures use their own teeth to escape the womb,” [Edward] whispered.
And it looks like Bella's only got four days left. AUGHHHHH.
So to break up the horror, Rosalie decides to go on and on about how Bella will totally be okay but it doesn't matter anyway because at least there will be a baby, and instead of letting Edward punch her in the face the way he (Edward) clearly wants to, Jacob takes one for the team:Silently, I lifted my doggy bowl off the floor. Then, with a quick, powerful flip of my wrist, I threw it into the back of Blondie’s head so hard that-with an earsplitting bang-it smashed flat before it ricocheted across the room and snapped the round top piece off the thick newel post at the foot of the stairs.
[...] Rosalie turned her head slowly, and her eyes were blazing.
“You. Got. Food. In. My. Hair.”
And everyone falls out laughing. “I’m not going to forget this, dog,” Rosalie hissed.
“S’not so hard to erase a blonde’s memory,” I countered. “Just blow in her ear.”
Magnificent.
Chapter 16: "Too-Much-Information Alert"
(Leah): I think you make a good Alpha. Not in the same way Sam does, but in your own way. You’re worth following, Jacob.
AWWWW.I want to stay with you, she told me.
Um. Are they gonna fall in love now?Was Leah going to be a part of that life? A week ago, I would’ve found that idea beyond horrifying. I wouldn’t’ve been able to stand it. But I knew her better now. And, relieved from the constant pain, she wasn’t the same wolf. Not the same girl.
Um.
And then Leah tells Jacob that she totally understands where Rosalie is coming from:
(Leah): I’m... I’m menopausal. I’m twenty years old and I’m menopausal.
OH GOD LEAH WANTS BABIES TOO. And Jacob, to his credit, is all GTFO! And look! He's even making sense on the imprinting issue! You really want to imprint, or be imprinted on, or whichever? I demanded. What’s wrong with going out and falling in love like a normal person, Leah? Imprinting is just another way of getting your choices taken away from you.
THANK YOU.
And then Death Baby strikes again-there goes Bella’s pelvis (AUGHHHH). But that's okay, becauseEdward said, “Did you say something?” in a puzzled tone. Strange. Because no one had said anything, and because Edward’s hearing was as good as mine, and he should have known that.
OH SHIT IT’S THE DEATH BABY CREEEEEEPYYYYYY. “What’s he thinking now?” she demanded eagerly. “It . . . he or she, is . . .” He paused and looked up into her eyes. His eyes were filled with a similar awe-only his were more careful and grudging. “He’s happy,” Edward said in an incredulous voice.
[…] Yet now they were together, the two of them bent over the budding, invisible monster with their eyes lit up like a happy family.
She plans on naming Death Baby "Edward Jacob," because she has no shame where dicking Jacob around is concerned. But what will we call the baby if it’s a girl?Bella wiped the back of her hand under her wet eyes. “I kicked a few things around. Playing with Renée and Esme. I was thinking . . . Ruh-nez-may.”
“Ruhnezmay?”
“R-e-n-e-s-m-e-e. Too weird?”
Oh Christ.
(Note from the future: Full name Renesmee Carlie Cullen. We’re lucky Bella didn’t want to name a boy Edwob Charlisle.)
Chapter 17: "What Do I Look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You Need a Brain? You Need a Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have."
Look, people, I just report the titles, I don't make 'em up.
So, anyway, the godawful name Bella's going to give her kid the sight of happy pregnant Bella Cullen is too much for lovelorn Jacob to bear, so Edward tosses him the keys to the family's Aston Martin (no, really. No, really) and lets Jacob take off to drive away his pain. Or something. Hey, I know! Let's go pick up chicks!But, as I’d searched my head for any way at all to get away from the pain, what Leah’d said today had popped in there.
That would go away, you know, if you imprinted. You wouldn’t have to hurt over her anymore.
Seemed like maybe getting your choices taken away from you wasn’t the very worst thing in the world. Maybe feeling like this was the very worst thing in the world.
Aaaaand we’re back to this again. What did free will ever do to Stephenie Meyer? But I’d seen all the girls in La Push and up on the Makah rez and in Forks. I needed a wider hunting range. So how do you look for a random soul mate in a crowd? Well, first, I needed a crowd. So I tooled around, looking for a likely spot. I passed a couple of malls, which probably would’ve been pretty good places to find girls my age, but I couldn’t make myself stop. Did I want to imprint on some girl who hung out in a mall all day?
So he goes cruising for potential Wolf Girls anyway!
1. Oh my God, be less creepy.
2. ANGELA! ANGELA!
And then he met… Lizzie.
Oh, wait, that doesn't go anywhere.
And then when Jacob gets back, Edward tells him that Death-Pregnant Bella’s crying because Leah called her out on the Jacob shit. Vehemently. Fortunately for Bella, Death Baby is chilling a bit because it turns out that little Edwob feels bad for hurting Mommy: “It’s a bit more than that,” [Edward] murmured. “Now that I can make out the child’s thoughts, it’s apparent that he or she has remarkably developed mental facilities. He can understand us, to an extent.”
My mouth fell open. “Are you serious?”
“Yes. He seems to have a vague sense of what hurts her now. He’s trying to avoid that, as much as possible. He... loves her. Already.”
I… I’m not sure if that’s less creepy.
(By the way, Edward randomly observes that Seth has "one of the purest, sincerest, kindest minds I’ve ever heard.” I am telling you, if this Bella thing doesn’t work out, Seth is going to be there to comfort Edward. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.)
Back to Bella:“Rose’ll catch me if I trip over my feet [en route to the bathroom]. Which could happen pretty easily, since I can’t see them.”
You know what I just realized? I don’t think Bella’s been clumsy the entire book so far. I mean, she’s pregnant: she legitimately can’t see her feet, so this doesn’t count. I don’t know if Meyer started taking her critics’ advice, but she really seems to have eased up on the adoraklutzability, and I applaud her for it. It was not just a scream, it was a blood-curdling shriek of agony. The horrifying sound cut off with a gurgle, and her eyes rolled back into her head. Her body twitched, arched in Rosalie’s arms, and then Bella vomited a fountain of blood.
OH JESUS.
Chapter 18: "THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR THIS."
SERIOUSLY, JACOB, I KNOW.Somewhere in this, Bella came around. She responded to their words with a shriek that clawed at my eardrums. “Get him OUT!” she screamed. “He can’t BREATHE! Do it NOW!”
And then… apparently Rosalie is so thirsty from not hunting that she nearly attacks the baby? And I had to give it to Blondie-she didn’t put up an ounce of fight. She wanted us to win. She let me trash her like that, to save Bella. Well, to save the thing.
AH CHRIST IT BREAKS BELLA’S SPINE. GOD, I DON’T KNOW THAT I CAN FINISH READING THIS.
And now, Werewolf CPR on Bella's naked, bloodstained body as Edward and Jacob deliver the Death Baby. (ETA: I should add that they do deliver it Caesarean-style. By biting it out, which I neglected to mention because I was flailing so wildly.) Seriously, they cannot make this into a movie. I cannot imagine for one second how they could make this into a movie appropriate for teenage girls and keep this part in it. By the time I looked, it was too late. Edward had snatched the warm, bloody thing out of her limp arms. My eyes flickered across her skin. It was red with blood-the blood that had flowed from her mouth, the blood smeared all over the creature, and fresh blood welling out of a tiny double-crescent bite mark just over her left breast.
And then Edward shoots Bella directly in the heart with a syringe of his venom.It was like he was kissing her, brushing his lips at her throat, at her wrists, into the crease at the inside of her arm. But I could hear the lush tearing of her skin as his teeth bit through, again and again, forcing venom into her system at as many points as possible.
Lush? Ew.
(Is it wrong that I'm now trying to figure out how he got a syringe full of venom in the first place? Like... did he have Alice milk his not-fangs or something? Or is all their blood just venom anyway?) Because that’s all that was left of the girl we both loved. This broken, bled-out, mangled corpse. We couldn’t put Bella together again.
I knew it was too late. I knew she was dead.
Oh, whatever.
OH FUCK DID JACOB JUST IMPRINT ON THE NEWBORN DEATH BABY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I JUST WHAT THE FUCK HOLY GODDAMN HELL.
… Clearly, I was not being ambitious enough when I predicted a while back that Jacob would imprint on Angela “for maximum angst.”
( Continue!)
(More Twilight recaps.)
(Another reason you can skip this? This section is kind of like the camping section in Deathly Hallows: just when you're ready to kill yourself from boredom, you find out there's another hundred pages of it.)
I would also like to state this clearly and up front before I inadvertently offend someone: I have no problem with babies, children, kids, what-have-you. I like them once they're old enough, I was one, I'm glad people have them, I'm glad my mother had them. A good friend of mine is going to have one and I'm thrilled for her. I don't personally want or plan on bearing children, but I think I'd make a great aunt or stepmother. So when I complain that all the characters are so obsessed with baaaaabieeeees, what I mean is that every single female character in the series who expresses an opinion on the subject--Bella, Rosalie, Esme, and now Leah as well (and even some of the men!)--insist that bearing children is the most important thing ever, worth dying for, and not worth living without. And if they feel that way, you know, okay. The problem is that there is no character who feels any differently. There's no one who is ever able to say, "You know, I'm happy for you, and I am also a complete person without a baby myself." It starts to take on the subtext that women exist for the sole purpose of being mothers and that's galling, is all I'm saying.
Okay, second thing: let's go back through the supporting characters, vampire and werewolf, before we get started here, because they're all back in play for the rest of the book after a predominantly Edward-Bella section, and it'll be easier to go down the roster now:
The Cullens are a group of unrelated vampires who pretend to be a family--a doctor and his wife who look to be in their early thirties (or thereabouts), and their five late-teens/early-twenties adopted/foster kids--to blend in with society. Carlisle Cullen became a vampire in, like, the 1600s or something, and about a hundred years ago he made Edward (dying of influenza) to be his son, and then he made Esme (dying of a suicide attempt after HER BABY died, I'M JUST SAYING) to be his own wife and Rosalie (dying of... gang rape, what?) to be for Edward, except that Edward didn't like her and pretty princess Rosalie was more insulted than hurt, really, so she ended up making Emmett for herself. Vampires tend to bring their strengths from life into The Beyond or whatever, which often means that they kind of end up with superpowers, or at least some defining trait. Carlisle's seems to be "compassion," as he's trained his family to hunt animals instead of people, and he's a fantastic doctor. Esme's is, uh... being maternal. Emmett's a genial sort of meathead who's rilly, rilly strong. Edward can read minds (except not Bella's, because she is a special snowflake), and Rosalie has 1) extreme beauty, 2) an eternal obsession with the babies she never got to have, and 3) awesome powers of bitchcraft. You'll see. There was also another vampire, Jasper, who got all scarred up in the Mexican vampire wars, and his power is being able to affect the mood of a room, usually to calm people down, but also to stir them up if necessary. One day he ran into this other vampire, Alice (squee!), who can see the future (unless it involves werewolves) and steal hot cars and she was like, "Hey baby, I psychically know that we're meant to be, what took you so long?," and then she dragged him over to the Cullens', who had never even met either of them before, and was like, "Hey, which room is ours?" And that's because Alice is awesome. So the Cullen family is essentially a group of couples: Carlisle and Esme, Rosalie and Emmett, Alice and Jasper, and then Edward all by himself until finally he met Bella Adoraklutz Swan, the end.
The Quileutes are a tribe of Native Americans on the nearby La Push reservation, and apparently they go on Quileuting happily until vampires settle in the area, at which point the current generation of young people will FURSPLODE! into werewolves. So when the Cullens rolled back into Forks a couple of years ago, all of a sudden half the teenage Quileute boys started running super high temperatures and having giant growth spurts and OH TURNING INTO WOLVES, THERE IS ALSO THAT. And the tribe elders were all like, Aw, hell, this again. It's mostly kept a secret, although some of the Quileute families know what's going on with their kids (the werewolves can "phase" in and out of being wolfy, so they can pretend to be normal), and the wolves patrol the woods to make sure the Cullens only hunt animals in "their" territory and don't cross the line or bite people. Jacob Black became Bella's best friend in the second book, he came down with a fever of a hundred and werewolf, she broke his heart sixteen times, he's still in love with her, etc. Sam is the young chief of the werewolf pack (Jacob should be, by blood and descent, but got weirded out by the idea of authority and turned it down. I WONDER IF THIS WILL COME UP AGAIN), and he was engaged to Leah, but then he imprinted on her cousin (I think?) Emily, and had "no choice" but to ditch Leah and love Emily instead, and it was totally awkward. And then Leah became, like, the first and only female werewolf in Quileute history, and when the Quileutes are in wolf form, they can all hear each other's thoughts and cannot, in fact, hide them from each other. So the Sam/Leah thing is still SO VERY, VERY AWKWARD. And now, not only do the wolves have to listen to Leah being bitter in Sam's general direction all the time, they also have to listen to Jacob mope over Bella. Also, Quil imprinted on Emily's niece Claire, which sets new records for awkwardness because Claire is two years old. And Seth, Leah's little brother, is a younger wolf who fought by Edward's side in the third book, and he and Edward are totally in love BFF now, even though wolves and vampires used to hate each other. Seth is my favorite. : D
Book Two: Jacob! Oh Lord.
See, here’s the thing: I did like Jacob in New Moon. I hated the furry douche he became in Eclipse. The thing is, I think I hate what both Jacob and Bella turn into when they’re around each other, now that Bella’s admitted she can’t ever love anyone more than Edward. Please, please let Jacob imprint on someone soon so the bitter obsessive moping can stop, I’m begging you.
(Note from the future: This comment has ominous significance now in light of what’s to come.)
I will say, though, that Jacob’s chapter titles are for the win.
Preface: Life sucks, and then you die.
Yeah, I should be so lucky.
So… bitterness it is!
Chapter 8: "Waiting for the Damn Fight to Start Already"
Ah, Paul’s imprinted on Jacob’s sist… wait, Jacob has a sister?
Meanwhile, Jacob worries about how Bella’s death will inevitably be faked so she can go be a vampire and thinks about doing something stupid, like picking fights with the super-strong, super-fast Cullens. Of course, then he’ll see that she’s neither sick nor dying nor vampired, but rather, deeply pregnant. At which point he will shit a brick.
And then we check in with Quil and Claire-you know, the teenage werewolf who imprinted on the two-year-old. “Imprinting,” for those of you just joining us, is a love-at-first-sight thing where a wolf guy (or girl, I suppose, given Leah’s presence in the pack) sees someone for the first time and that someone instantly becomes the center of his (or her) universe. As Jacob painstakingly explains to Bella in New Moon, it’s not (necessarily) a sexual thing: whatever Claire needs-a brother, a friend, a lover-Quil will be that for her, because “that kind of love and devotion is hard to resist.” Read: Claire has absolutely no choice in this at all, and is going to end up with a guy she’s practically been raised with (by?). So let’s see how that whole toddler-teenager romance thing is going, shall we?“Sounds like somebody’s hit the terrible twos.”
“Threes actually,” Quil corrected. “You missed the party. Princess theme. She made me wear a crown, and then Emily suggested they all try out her new play makeup on me.”
[...] The weird part was, Quil was having just as much fun as she was. He didn’t have that face on that so many of the tourist dads and moms were wearing-the when-is-naptime? face. You never saw a real parent so jazzed to play whatever stupid kiddie sport their rugrat could think up. I’d seen Quil play peekaboo for an hour straight without getting bored. And I couldn’t even make fun of him for it-I envied him too much.
Though I did think it sucked that he had a good fourteen years of monk-i-tude ahead of him until Claire was his age-for Quil, at least, it was a good thing werewolves didn’t get older. But even all that time didn’t seem to bother him much.
This shit is wrong, y’all.
Meanwhile, all the werewolves are still involuntarily hearing each other’s thoughts when they’re in wolf form:There was a low grumble through the pack. I moaned along with them. When Jared finally showed up, no doubt he’d still be thinking about Kim. And nobody wanted a replay of what they were up to right now.
Mmm, psychic werewolf soap opera. (Note from the future: We never do find out what happened with the werewolf paternity drama from the third book.)
Ah, now the wolves are finding out that Bella’s “quarantined with a rare South American disease,” which seems to confirm Jacob’s worst fears (seriously, if you didn’t know better, it would sound pretty fake), so I’m sure he’ll be bounding over to the Cullens' to break in and see her and then be horrified that she’s pregnant, etc., etc.
Sam the werewolf chief Alpha-Orders the pack not to attack the Cullens. So Jacob decides he as an individual doesn’t count under that order, and off he goes! Oh, Jacob.When I finished with [Edward], I’d take as many of the rest of them as I could before they got me. Huh-I wondered if Sam would consider my death provocation. Probably say I got what I deserved. Wouldn’t want to offend his bloodsucker BFFs.
Heh.
Chapter 8: "Sure as Hell Didn't See That One Coming"
And now Jacob sees that Bella is massively, super-acceleratedly pregnant. Like, nine months pregnant after only a few weeks. Unfortunately she looks like death warmed over two days late, because Bella’s vampire baby is killing her and Edward’s sparkle is deeply chagrined because he blames himself, and nobody can get to Bella to let them take the baby out and save her because she’s got Rosalie (who craves babies, remember?) standing guard. So here’s… Jacob to help?“I don’t care about anything but keeping her alive,” [Edward] said, suddenly focused now. “If it’s a child she wants, she can have it. She can have half a dozen babies. Anything she wants.” He paused for one beat. “She can have puppies, if that’s what it takes.”
Okay, my mouth fell open here.What was he saying? That Bella should, what? Have a baby? With me? What? How? Was he giving her up? Or did he think she wouldn’t mind being shared?
“Whichever. Whatever keeps her alive.”
Yeah, it’s still open.I couldn’t think about what he was suggesting. It was too much. Impossible. Wrong. Sick. Borrowing Bella for the weekends and then returning her Monday morning like a rental movie? So messed up.
So tempting.
DAMN.I felt like-like I don’t know what. Like this wasn’t real. Like I was in some Goth version of a bad sitcom. Instead of being the A/V dweeb about to ask the head cheerleader to the prom, I was the finished-second-place werewolf about to ask the vampire’s wife to shack up and procreate. Nice.
Oh, and also, Jacob agrees to mercy-kill Edward if Bella dies. Y’all, if they make it this far, this is going to be the most fucked-up movie ever.
Chapter 10: "Why Didn't I Just Walk Away? Oh, Right, Because I'm an Idiot."
So now, Jacob's supposed to go in and talk to Bella and convince her to... do something. I don't know. They don't know. Tell her anything she'll listen to long enough to shake her resolve to keep the baby so they can save her (although Edward has promised that if werewolf babies are what she'll settle for, he won't go back on his word on that one). She laughed. “It’s so good having you here. It feels nice to smile. I don’t know how much more drama I can stand.”
I rolled my eyes.
I’m just… throwing that out there.
Meanwhile, Death Baby's in-utero antics are making me extremely anxious, though OH WAIT IS THIS TOTALLY WHY EDWARD IS GOING TO VAMPIRE HER? BECAUSE SHE NEARLY DIES? Ah, apparently Bella is thinking the same thing I am: she’s okay with Death Baby potentially killing her, as long as she can get Edward’s venom in her system before her heart stops. Unfortunately...
... Sam has totally changed his tune about the treaty once he hears about all this and is ready to kill “the mutant” now, and Alpha-Orders (you know, because he’s the Alpha Wolf, and when he gives a command, the other wolves physically cannot disobey it) everyone to get with the Killing Death Baby and Possibly Bella program. As we know, however, Jacob is supposed to be the real wolf chief but turned it down, so I wonder if that will impact this…
Chapter 11: "The Two Things at the Very Top of My Things-I-Never-Want-to-Do List"
And there it was-a thought I’d never, never wanted to have. But now, with my legs all tied up in strings, I recognized the exception with relief-more than relief, with a fierce joy. No one could dispute the Alpha’s decision-except for me.
Yup.[Jacob:] I’m not telling you to step aside.
[Sam:] If you order them to follow you-
[Jacob:] I’ll never take anyone’s will away from him.
OHHHHHH SHIT SOMEBODY GOT SERVED.
So Jacob basically says, "Hey, you guys, it was real, but I can't be having with this so y'all have fun, peace," and leaves Sam to be the alpha while he goes to protect Bella and warn the Cullens. And once he does this, he is no longer connected to the pack's thoughts. However, Seth then breaks off and joins Jacob whether Jacob likes it or not, so now Jacob has his own mini-pack, and they can hear each other's thoughts.And then we were across the road and moving through the forest that ringed the Cullens’ house. Could Edward hear us yet?
(Seth:) Maybe we should be thinking something like, “We come in peace.”
(Jacob:) Go for it.
(Seth:) Edward? He [mentally] called the name tentatively. Edward, you there? Okay, now I feel kinda stupid.
(Jacob:) You sound stupid, too.
Awww, Seth. How do I love Seth? Let me skip around a couple of chapters and count the ways:>> I’ll run the border, Jake. I’m not tired at all. Seth was so glad I hadn’t forced them home, he was all but prancing with excitement.
>> And then he was howling. Oh, man! No way! You did not! That just plain ol’ sucks rocks, Jacob! And you know it, too! I can’t believe you [told Edward] you’d kill him. What is that? You have to tell him no.
>> (Seth:) There’s nothing wrong with you, Jake. This isn’t the most normal situation.
(Jacob:) Shut up, please, Seth.
(Seth:) Shutting.
There has been a distinct lack of awesomeness on Alice’s part so far this book, so I’m glad that Seth is picking up the slack, even if it’s more of a puppy-eager kind of way rather than a hot-car-stealing kind of way.
(Also, I swear that I do not recall the Cullens ever calling Jasper "Jazz" before.)
Chapter 12: "Some People Just Don't Grasp the Concept of 'Unwelcome'"
And then Leah shows up to join Jacob's pack! They kind of hate each other (mostly because Jacob's fed up with her bitterness), so that's all new kinds of awkward. He thinks at first it's because she wants to make sure her brother Seth doesn't get his ass killed, and then she points out to Jacob that, um, hello, anything would be better than being in Sam's pack now that he's with Emily. Mmm, it's time for another episode of All My Werewolves.(Leah:) "Shut up, Jacob. Oops, I’m sorry-I meant, shut up, most high Alpha."
I have to say, Meyer has always let her snark flag fly with the werewolves--even in New Moon, they're funny. So that breaks up the monotony of Bella's horrifically squickful pregnancy somewhat.
Also, Edward is still in staring dead-eyed guilt mode:“The fetus isn’t compatible with her body. Too strong, for one thing, but she could probably endure that for a while. The bigger problem is that it won’t allow her to get the sustenance she needs. Her body is rejecting every form of nutrition. I’m trying to feed her intravenously, but she’s just not absorbing it. Everything about her condition is accelerated. I’m watching her-and not just her, but the fetus as well-starve to death by the hour. I can’t stop it and I can’t slow it down. I can’t figure out what it wants.” His weary voice broke at the end.
Oooooh, creepy. That’s a compliment, by the way.
(If you’d told me a week ago that Breaking Dawn was going to be about Bella Swan Cullen fighting off a vampire fetus, I would have laughed in your face.)
And then, we have this revelation: “Think about it, Carlisle. If that creature is more vampire than human, can’t you guess what it craves-what it’s not getting? Jacob did.”
I did? I ran through the conversation, trying to remember what thoughts I’d kept to myself. I remembered at the same time that Carlisle understood.
“Oh,” he said in a surprised tone. “You think it is . . . thirsty?”
AHHHHHHHHH fantastic. DEATH BABY CRAVES BLOOD. Somewhere, David Cronenberg is calling up his agent to see if they can boot Catherine Hardwicke off the series and let him direct instead.
(omg, does Death Baby bite Bella in utero and vampire her?)
Chapter 13: "Good Thing I've Got a Strong Stomach"
And then Carlisle and the psycho in question [Rosalie] were there. Carlisle had a white plastic cup in his hand-the kind with a lid and a bendy straw. Oh-not clear; now I got it.
Oh shit, I’d forgotten that blood grosses Bella out. (Technically, this would be a smashing opportunity for Stephenie Meyer to remind the reader that one of the key moments early in Bella and Edward's relationship was when she passed out during a blood-typing unit in biology class and Edward had to carry her to the nurse's office. Like, that's how much the sight--actually, the smell--of blood grosses Bella out. Except that... Jacob's narrating this section, and he wasn't there when that happened, and I doubt Bella ever told him about it. Fair enough.) Well, this is just wonderful. Except that… it turns out that Bella’s kind of into drinking the blood, because of the baby. Huh. Like, really into drinking the blood. You know, through her straw. In her sippy cup.Bella chugged a few more ounces
JACOB, IT’S NOT A SLURPEELeah whipped her head back and forth like she was trying to shake the image out of her mind. That is easily the freakin’ grossest thing I’ve heard in my life. Yuck. If there was anything in my stomach, it would be coming back.
Sing it, Leah.
So then Jared, one of the other wolves, comes to try to convince Seth and Leah to come back to Sam's primary pack and stop tearing their families apart omg:“Anyway, please, Leah. We want you back. Sam wants you back.”
Leah’s tail twitched.
“Sam told me to beg. He told me to literally get down on my knees if I have to. He wants you home, Lee-lee, where you belong.”
I saw Leah flinch when Jared used Sam’s old nickname for her. And then, when he added those last three words, her hackles rose and she was yowling a long stream of snarls through her teeth. I didn’t have to be in her head to hear the cussing-out she was giving him, and neither did he. You could almost hear the exact words she was using.
I waited till she was done. “I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Leah belongs wherever she wants to be.”
Okay, so Leah is kind of awesome.
Chapter 14: "You Know Things Are Bad When You Feel Guilty for Being Rude to Vampires"
So the vampire-werewolf thing is at a stalemate for the moment while the wolves wait to see if the Cullens can save Bella or not. Bella's feeling better now that she's chugged about a quart of donated blood (yeah, the next time your hospital runs low, you know who to blame) and she's snarfing down scrambled eggs again (O the symbolism! I SEE WHAT YOU DID THAR) and she's thrilled to see Jacob again: What was with her? For crying out loud, she was married! Happily married, too-there was no question that she was in love with her vampire past the boundaries of sanity. And hugely pregnant, to top it off. So why did she have to be so damn thrilled to see me? Like I’d made her whole freakin’ day by walking through the door. If she would just not care... Or more than that-really not want me around. It would be so much easier to stay away.
I gotta tell you, it is so nice to have someone to call Bella out on her shit. (Note from the future: At least there’s a plot-related payoff to this.)
And now Death Baby’s breaking ribs. Jesus. So while the Cullens haul Bella upstairs to their makeshift medical center for some X-rays (I'm not making this up. Shit, they can afford islands, right?), Jacob catches some Zs, and when he wakes up, he finds Seth with his arm around Bella (to keep her warm--the wolves run super high temperatures, if you will recall) while snorfling down omelets and cinnamon rolls that Edward made for him (I told you it was love).
Chapter 15: "TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK"
Hey, what's Jacob getting to eat?There was a lot of banging in the kitchen, and-weirdly-the sound of metal protesting as it was abused. Edward sighed again, but smiled just a little, too. Then Rosalie was back before I could think much more about it. With a pleased smirk, she set a silver bowl on the floor next to me.
“Enjoy, mongrel.”
It had once probably been a big mixing bowl, but she’d bent the bowl back in on itself until it was shaped almost exactly like a dog dish. I had to be impressed with her quick craftsmanship. And her attention to detail. She’d scratched the word Fido into the side. Excellent handwriting.
I kind of hate Rosalie, but that was awesome in an OH NO SHE DI-IN’T way.
Hey! We haven't ridden that tired love triangle pony in a while!“It feels . . . complete when you’re here, Jacob. Like all my family is together. I mean, I guess that’s what it’s like-I’ve never had a big family before now. It’s nice.” [Bella] smiled for half a second. “But it’s just not whole unless you’re here.”
GOD, NOT THIS AGAIN. Look, either commit to a ménage à trois or give it up already.“From what little research we’ve been able to do, it would appear the creatures use their own teeth to escape the womb,” [Edward] whispered.
And it looks like Bella's only got four days left. AUGHHHHH.
So to break up the horror, Rosalie decides to go on and on about how Bella will totally be okay but it doesn't matter anyway because at least there will be a baby, and instead of letting Edward punch her in the face the way he (Edward) clearly wants to, Jacob takes one for the team:Silently, I lifted my doggy bowl off the floor. Then, with a quick, powerful flip of my wrist, I threw it into the back of Blondie’s head so hard that-with an earsplitting bang-it smashed flat before it ricocheted across the room and snapped the round top piece off the thick newel post at the foot of the stairs.
[...] Rosalie turned her head slowly, and her eyes were blazing.
“You. Got. Food. In. My. Hair.”
And everyone falls out laughing. “I’m not going to forget this, dog,” Rosalie hissed.
“S’not so hard to erase a blonde’s memory,” I countered. “Just blow in her ear.”
Magnificent.
Chapter 16: "Too-Much-Information Alert"
(Leah): I think you make a good Alpha. Not in the same way Sam does, but in your own way. You’re worth following, Jacob.
AWWWW.I want to stay with you, she told me.
Um. Are they gonna fall in love now?Was Leah going to be a part of that life? A week ago, I would’ve found that idea beyond horrifying. I wouldn’t’ve been able to stand it. But I knew her better now. And, relieved from the constant pain, she wasn’t the same wolf. Not the same girl.
Um.
And then Leah tells Jacob that she totally understands where Rosalie is coming from:
(Leah): I’m... I’m menopausal. I’m twenty years old and I’m menopausal.
OH GOD LEAH WANTS BABIES TOO. And Jacob, to his credit, is all GTFO! And look! He's even making sense on the imprinting issue! You really want to imprint, or be imprinted on, or whichever? I demanded. What’s wrong with going out and falling in love like a normal person, Leah? Imprinting is just another way of getting your choices taken away from you.
THANK YOU.
And then Death Baby strikes again-there goes Bella’s pelvis (AUGHHHH). But that's okay, becauseEdward said, “Did you say something?” in a puzzled tone. Strange. Because no one had said anything, and because Edward’s hearing was as good as mine, and he should have known that.
OH SHIT IT’S THE DEATH BABY CREEEEEEPYYYYYY. “What’s he thinking now?” she demanded eagerly. “It . . . he or she, is . . .” He paused and looked up into her eyes. His eyes were filled with a similar awe-only his were more careful and grudging. “He’s happy,” Edward said in an incredulous voice.
[…] Yet now they were together, the two of them bent over the budding, invisible monster with their eyes lit up like a happy family.
She plans on naming Death Baby "Edward Jacob," because she has no shame where dicking Jacob around is concerned. But what will we call the baby if it’s a girl?Bella wiped the back of her hand under her wet eyes. “I kicked a few things around. Playing with Renée and Esme. I was thinking . . . Ruh-nez-may.”
“Ruhnezmay?”
“R-e-n-e-s-m-e-e. Too weird?”
Oh Christ.
(Note from the future: Full name Renesmee Carlie Cullen. We’re lucky Bella didn’t want to name a boy Edwob Charlisle.)
Chapter 17: "What Do I Look Like? The Wizard of Oz? You Need a Brain? You Need a Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have."
Look, people, I just report the titles, I don't make 'em up.
So, anyway, the godawful name Bella's going to give her kid the sight of happy pregnant Bella Cullen is too much for lovelorn Jacob to bear, so Edward tosses him the keys to the family's Aston Martin (no, really. No, really) and lets Jacob take off to drive away his pain. Or something. Hey, I know! Let's go pick up chicks!But, as I’d searched my head for any way at all to get away from the pain, what Leah’d said today had popped in there.
That would go away, you know, if you imprinted. You wouldn’t have to hurt over her anymore.
Seemed like maybe getting your choices taken away from you wasn’t the very worst thing in the world. Maybe feeling like this was the very worst thing in the world.
Aaaaand we’re back to this again. What did free will ever do to Stephenie Meyer? But I’d seen all the girls in La Push and up on the Makah rez and in Forks. I needed a wider hunting range. So how do you look for a random soul mate in a crowd? Well, first, I needed a crowd. So I tooled around, looking for a likely spot. I passed a couple of malls, which probably would’ve been pretty good places to find girls my age, but I couldn’t make myself stop. Did I want to imprint on some girl who hung out in a mall all day?
So he goes cruising for potential Wolf Girls anyway!
1. Oh my God, be less creepy.
2. ANGELA! ANGELA!
And then he met… Lizzie.
Oh, wait, that doesn't go anywhere.
And then when Jacob gets back, Edward tells him that Death-Pregnant Bella’s crying because Leah called her out on the Jacob shit. Vehemently. Fortunately for Bella, Death Baby is chilling a bit because it turns out that little Edwob feels bad for hurting Mommy: “It’s a bit more than that,” [Edward] murmured. “Now that I can make out the child’s thoughts, it’s apparent that he or she has remarkably developed mental facilities. He can understand us, to an extent.”
My mouth fell open. “Are you serious?”
“Yes. He seems to have a vague sense of what hurts her now. He’s trying to avoid that, as much as possible. He... loves her. Already.”
I… I’m not sure if that’s less creepy.
(By the way, Edward randomly observes that Seth has "one of the purest, sincerest, kindest minds I’ve ever heard.” I am telling you, if this Bella thing doesn’t work out, Seth is going to be there to comfort Edward. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.)
Back to Bella:“Rose’ll catch me if I trip over my feet [en route to the bathroom]. Which could happen pretty easily, since I can’t see them.”
You know what I just realized? I don’t think Bella’s been clumsy the entire book so far. I mean, she’s pregnant: she legitimately can’t see her feet, so this doesn’t count. I don’t know if Meyer started taking her critics’ advice, but she really seems to have eased up on the adoraklutzability, and I applaud her for it. It was not just a scream, it was a blood-curdling shriek of agony. The horrifying sound cut off with a gurgle, and her eyes rolled back into her head. Her body twitched, arched in Rosalie’s arms, and then Bella vomited a fountain of blood.
OH JESUS.
Chapter 18: "THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR THIS."
SERIOUSLY, JACOB, I KNOW.Somewhere in this, Bella came around. She responded to their words with a shriek that clawed at my eardrums. “Get him OUT!” she screamed. “He can’t BREATHE! Do it NOW!”
And then… apparently Rosalie is so thirsty from not hunting that she nearly attacks the baby? And I had to give it to Blondie-she didn’t put up an ounce of fight. She wanted us to win. She let me trash her like that, to save Bella. Well, to save the thing.
AH CHRIST IT BREAKS BELLA’S SPINE. GOD, I DON’T KNOW THAT I CAN FINISH READING THIS.
And now, Werewolf CPR on Bella's naked, bloodstained body as Edward and Jacob deliver the Death Baby. (ETA: I should add that they do deliver it Caesarean-style. By biting it out, which I neglected to mention because I was flailing so wildly.) Seriously, they cannot make this into a movie. I cannot imagine for one second how they could make this into a movie appropriate for teenage girls and keep this part in it. By the time I looked, it was too late. Edward had snatched the warm, bloody thing out of her limp arms. My eyes flickered across her skin. It was red with blood-the blood that had flowed from her mouth, the blood smeared all over the creature, and fresh blood welling out of a tiny double-crescent bite mark just over her left breast.
And then Edward shoots Bella directly in the heart with a syringe of his venom.It was like he was kissing her, brushing his lips at her throat, at her wrists, into the crease at the inside of her arm. But I could hear the lush tearing of her skin as his teeth bit through, again and again, forcing venom into her system at as many points as possible.
Lush? Ew.
(Is it wrong that I'm now trying to figure out how he got a syringe full of venom in the first place? Like... did he have Alice milk his not-fangs or something? Or is all their blood just venom anyway?) Because that’s all that was left of the girl we both loved. This broken, bled-out, mangled corpse. We couldn’t put Bella together again.
I knew it was too late. I knew she was dead.
Oh, whatever.
OH FUCK DID JACOB JUST IMPRINT ON THE NEWBORN DEATH BABY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I JUST WHAT THE FUCK HOLY GODDAMN HELL.
… Clearly, I was not being ambitious enough when I predicted a while back that Jacob would imprint on Angela “for maximum angst.”
( Continue!)
(More Twilight recaps.)