I'm glad you felt able to post about this on here, Bekah. It took a lot of courage and I'm really proud of you for doing it.
You're not alone in thinking you need to hide your sexuality for fear of maybe being judged. An old school friend of mine found me a few years ago on one of those reunion sites and after we'd exchanged several e-mails, he confided in me that he was gay and it broke my heart when he added a line at the end of the message saying he'd understand if I didn't want to be his friend anymore.
Needless to say, his sexuality made no difference to our friendship and it definitely won't make a difference to ours. If you ever feel the need to talk and/or vent, I'd be more than willing to listen. :)
Thanks so much for telling me that story about your friend. He at least was confident enough with himself to know for sure who and what he is but I am still so confused and most days I just can't deal...
You were with me through Rebekah: The College Years and for a while I was a little more open with how I was feeling but then I came home from school and completely started denying that I was feeling anything at all. I feel better after writing this point from the aspect that I really appreciate everyone saying they support me no matter what. I think I've been needing to hear that. The problem is looking someone in the eye and saying it. Or sitting in my office and hearing people make jokes or comments. But I do feel very much alone so I do thank you for always being there for me over the years. I have a small group of friends that I've made and who I see all the time and lately I've even been avoiding them because I just feel so different from them. I never talk about myself if I don't have to and I've kept most of my past a secret. But I feel so bad....
I know...being away at school was so different. I was so different. I created a little world for myself with my four or five school friends and the internet which I lived on (and where I met you obviously) and in that little world I felt like I could be more free with my thoughts and feelings. I ran around telling all my roommates I had a girlfriend for goodness sake (and telling her that as well). In the last four years I've actually been trying to convince myself none of that was real. That situation made me more confused and so instead of helping me move forward I pushed myself back in the closet and locked the door.
Awe, Beks, I'm made of suck when it comes to giving any kind of support. I never know what to say! (squishes you) Just know that no matter how little you and I talk anymore or even though we seem to not be in sync with "Faves"- NONE of that crap matters... cuz it's just crap and not real life. Living. You could post once a millenium and I'd still be here for ya
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Sorry, this week started to suck and I didn't have time to check this thing, but thank you so much for commenting. The funny thing is I do think I'm selfish. I'm all "I come first!" Hasn't really helped me completely cuz I do let what other people thing stop me from living. Problem is, most of the time, I don't find any pleasure in living, so I just let it go on and I continue to be miserable. But I understand what you said about finding a new group of people who will "fall into your gravitational pull" (I like how you put that)...I don't know how to get there....but it's like...I was hanging out with my friends on Monday we were having game night....and I couldn't help thinking, these people are great but I don't feel connected to any of them at all, except my best friend, who is really the only reason I hang out with them. Like, they are all on a trip right now and I couldn't go and I don't even feel that bad because it actually sounds like torture. And those are the people I call friends and they are great people I just don't know
( ... )
Comments 19
I'm glad you felt able to post about this on here, Bekah. It took a lot of courage and I'm really proud of you for doing it.
You're not alone in thinking you need to hide your sexuality for fear of maybe being judged. An old school friend of mine found me a few years ago on one of those reunion sites and after we'd exchanged several e-mails, he confided in me that he was gay and it broke my heart when he added a line at the end of the message saying he'd understand if I didn't want to be his friend anymore.
Needless to say, his sexuality made no difference to our friendship and it definitely won't make a difference to ours. If you ever feel the need to talk and/or vent, I'd be more than willing to listen. :)
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