A Tardy Curtainfic for ds_flashfiction
So I missed the cut-off by a half-week, mainly because I got possessed by the most bizarro muse ever. And this piece is the product of that union. It is very strange, I can't even really tell you what got me inspired, or how you can inoculate yourself against it.
Just know that it's odd. I can't really say too much since there's not really a plot to describe. However, it is Due South, everything is imaginary although there are some exact quotes from episodes, for which I give props to the canon writers and performers, blah blah.
I'll try to remember that you're laughing with me, not at me...and away we go:
DisJunctures, by Cliona
A split second after seeing it, Fraser took off after the guy, no surprises there. Ray was a few paces behind, cell phone jammed to his head as he called it in.
"Car accident, pretty bad - crazy guy outta nowhere jumped across rush hour traffic, just kept running - yeah, of course he's chasing him, Frannie, what you think?"
"Hear this heavy breathing? It ain't 'cause I like you, I'm kinda in the middle of something! I'll call back when we get the guy, then you can bitch to me about Welsh, okay?"
Ray jammed the phone back into his jacket pocket, and hustled to keep Fraser in his sight. The guy was jacked up on something, running in a strange, wild frenzy, on the edge of rabid, and pretty speedy for an old guy - least from the back he looked old to Ray, because he had that slicked-back hairstyle like his Dad did. They ran for another half-mile, it felt like forever. Suddenly the guy turned a hard left, into an alley next to a boarded-up theatre. Ray recognized The Guardian, it used to show cheesy B-movies back in the day, he had a fond memory of jerking off in the balcony while watching that British chick who played the bitch on TV later on, but was really pretty hot back then.
Fraser, then Ray, followed the whackjob in as he leapt through the stage door and careened into the theatre. The once-grand lobby was festooned with pigeon droppings, with some walls exposed down to stud, all covered in mold. The doorway to the auditorium was curtained off by stiff waterlogged tarpaulin, which was now flapping back into place. Some weird static electricity thing goosed Fraser, then Ray, as they passed under the tarp and stumbled out into
"Polley Parker, come on down! You are the next contestant on … The Price Is Right!" (Applause)
“What the - Fras, look out!”
“That’s me, that’s me, omigod, omig - oooof!”
“I am so terribly sorry, ma’am, are you injured?”
“He’s cutting! It’s me, it’s my turn, I’m Polley!”
“Fraser, go, I’ll take care of - hey, ow! Watch it lady, jeez, I’m trying to help!”
“Get out of my way, dammit!”
“Err, that’s Polley Parker, come on down!” (Applause)
“I’m trying! Just - move, asshole! Here I am, Bob!”
“Um, well, let’s find out what you’ll be playing for - tell them Rod Roddy!”
“You’ll be playing for … a new car!” (Applause)
Rubbing his elbow, dazed by the noise and the lights and the crowd, Ray scuttled up the far right side of the stage towards some freaky-looking Pachinko for Giants thing, feeling that weird vibey sensation again as he passed the heavy curtain just behind, and bumped into Fraser, struggling to grab hold of the runner, who was still spazzing like a freak and bellowing incoherently. All three men were jammed close into some sort of croissant shaped cubicle on a slight riser crammed with furniture, which suddenly began to pivot. The momentum threw Ray into the side of an armoire and the spazzo behind an oversize couch. Fraser leaned into the motion, trapping the guy under a firmly placed boot to the back, then blinked from the spotlight glare of
"Don McCullough, congratulations - you have seventeen hundred dollars to spend, this time in …our
Wheel of Fortune living room! (Applause) Tell us about some of things he might spend that money on this round, Johnny!"
"*Psst Fras - don't move, just freeze!*"
"Pat, among the items available for Don to select today are ... a Toshiba color TV, 27-inchstereospeakerwithuniversalremoteandcablereadyhookupfrom ... Toshiba, $249.99. (Applause) And … thisbeautifulnewcarpetfrom …DUPONT, comesinaselectionofcolorsandpatternswithScotchgardstainprooftreatmentandalsoincludingcarpetpadding, all yours for $419.99!" (Applause)
"*Dear God, where in heavens name are we, Ray?*"
"Okay Don, now's your chance, let's do a little shopping."
"*1983, I think. Just - stay still, maybe they'll think you’re a, you know, like a dead owl.*"
"Pat, I'd like the trip to Palm Springs for $950, and, uh, the grandfather clock for $449.99 -"
"*I believe you're thinking of taxidermy, Ray, although I’m not sure your analogy is -*"
" - umm, the TV for $249.99 -"
"*Whatever, just quit it and shhsh -*"
" - leaving you with a remainder of 51 dollars, the only thing left you can afford is the pair of crystal-cut glass fingerbowls from Ethan Allen for $39.99, withthelast10dollarsinagiftcertificatefromSpeigels."
"Killers! Assassins!"
“Well folks, sounds like our stage crew needs a vacation! (Applause) But now it’s time for our next puzzle, here’s Vanna, … with a commonly used phrase. A commonly used phrase. Don, it’s your spin.”
The platform began to pivot back, throwing Fraser off -balance. Spaz, still screaming, bolted out and scurried sideways, headlong towards the left backstage curtains. The two partners gave chase, and this time Ray shivered when the funny buzz happened once again, just as they were plunged into darkness. He could hear feet scuffling, and those distinctive little puffs of air Fraser would exhale when he got irritated. Spaz was more than easy to locate, since he was still raving, but Ray had a feeling someone else there. Before he could say a word, though, the darkness was broken as the curtains behind him started to move open. See, he was right, there was a big black guy next to him who stepped forward towards
“Heh heh okay okay, this next guy, well, you’ll love his stuff! You know who I’m talking about, let’s have a hand for … Gene, Gene the Dancing Machine!”
“Chucky baby! I loved this show! Frase, shake your booty!”
“Ray, have you lost your mind? We are in the middle of a pursuit, and you want us to stop and join in on this lunacy? Who are these people, and why are they throwing garbage at us?”
“Fraser, I got a feeling Spaz isn’t gonna get very far - and so aren’t we, for that matter, so why not dance?”
“I am at a loss to understand exactly how and why you fell into a delusional state, Ray, but once we have taken this gentleman into custody at the precinct, I will endeavor to do so then.”
“I won’t let you! I’ll kill you first!” (Gong)
“Aaaaaah! You won't get me! Murderers!” (Gong)
“Heh heh alright alright, that’s great stuff. Everybody, Gene Gene and, uh, his three stooges or something! (Applause) I don’t know, let’s - get on out here, come on Jaye P.! Thanks, that’s it, it’s all over, get outta here!”
“Bones! Wait,…stop!
“What the - Fraser, who the hell was that? Let’s go!”
A crowd of people had clamored around, madly twisting and dancing while balloons and streamers fell from the ceiling onto the crush of bodies, which included two guys in some weird acrobat kind of tights, who seemed as intent as Fraser and Ray were on collaring Spaz. Who of course had snuck out behind that mustachioed freak throwing confetti and darted straight ahead for the blinding spotlights. The gymnast guys weaseled out first, since Ray had to help rescue Fraser from the clutches of a scary-ass puppet wielding a feather boa, so now they were chasing guys in tights chasing Spaz, none of who they could see because the lights were so painfully bright. Fraser and Ray just had to leap forward and
“Let’s Make a Deal!”
The packed audience surged to its feet, everyone in wild, colorful costumes as they jumped up and down madly, franctically gesticulating towards the same spot, just up ahead from where the two detectives landed. Following their line of sight, Ray spotted the guys in tights quickly, and so did
"Now these two gentlemen - excuse me, sir, what are you supposed to be? I don't think I've seen anything
like these outfits before, has anyone? (Applause)
"My friend is obviously Chinese. I see you've noticed the ears. They're actually easy to explain."
"Perhaps the unfortunate accident I had as a child."
"The unfortunate accident he had as a child. He caught his head in a mechanical...rice picker. But fortunately, there was an American missionary living close by who was actually a, uh...skilled plastic surgeon in civilian life."
"Heheh, okay I'm still not sure, a Chinese acrobat and his interpreter, maybe - I think I saw you on Sullivan, along with 7 of your friends, heheh - but now, Let's Make a Deal!" (Applause)
"*I believe this may be an attempt to ransom the Doctor, Captain.*"
"What do you have to trade?"
"*So it would appear.*"
"What is that, a cigarette case? What if I offered you what's behind that curtain, would you give me that case?"
"Yes, and just what is...behind that curtain? Bargain in good faith, man! We need to see our friend first, what do you take us for, a pair of soccers?"
"Heheh, no you don't understand -"
"Shit, Frase - it's the curtains! Monty, Monty, over here!"
"Where have you taken our medical officer? Dammit, I need answers!"
"Okay, well - let's move on to someone who understands the game!"
"Don't worry Polly, I'll save you!"
"Ray, that is profoundly insulting to the fine history of the Royal Mounted-"
"Well, well, it's Dudley Do-Right! This is more like it! Dudley, let's make a deal! What do you have to trade?"
"Um, he's got -whaddya got - he's got, um - beef jerky! Yeah, homemade beef jerky, Monty! *Fraser, you got pemmican, right?*
"Of course, Ray - are you feeling peckish? I knew you would eventually realize its benefits."
"Well, alright - I'll trade you your beef jerky for $200 or what's behind Curtain #1!"
"I couldn't possibly make such a trade, it's patently unfair, the pemmican is only -"
"He'll take the curtain, Monty!"
"I most certainly will not, Ray! Even if I were to set ethics aside and agree to this unfair bargain, it would be statistically foolish of me to bank on probability rather than a definitive cash exchange. I'd take -"
"He'll take the curtain, Monty! *Fraser, go with me, I got a hunch, okay?*"
"Of course, I should have known you would have a hunch, eventually. Fine. We'll take the curtain, thank you kindly."
"Let's show them what's behind Curtain #1!" (Applause)
"Murderers! Assassins! You! What planet is this?"
"Er, well it's the lovely Carol Merrill and her assistant, next to a garbage can!"
"Bones!"
"See, always trust my hunches, Frase - get him!"
"I'll offer you the chance to choose $200 - hey, come back! No fair looking first! Cut! Where's the goddamn producer, who the hell is in charge of screening the audience, Jesus Christ!"
All four men sped from the audience across the proscenium archway, towards Spaz, who was enthralled by the charms of the hostess. At the last minute he saw them approach, and ran for the first of three doors set to the side. The acrobats got there first, barely snicking the door closed in front of Fraser and Ray. Ray could feel that funny energy pulsating off the door handle as he shoved the door open with his shoulder and both men staggered into
"I wasn't expecting you to use the back door, son. Why did you bring the Yank?"
"Dad! We're in the midst of - did three men come in before us?"
"Dad? This is your father, Fraser? This mean we're dead?"
"No, just you. Never been anyone here I haven't invited, or known was coming. Except the Yank, of course."
"Dad."
"I gotta spend eternity with my father-in-law? Jesus, Fraser, we're in hell!"
"Actually Ray, this hell is my old closet at the Consulate. And it's time we left this entire debacle behind us. Let's go home. "
"Right behind you, want to forget this day ever happened -
as soon as I figure out what happened. Sandor's?"
"I believe we should, after all Dief has been cooped up in the house all day, it's the least we can do to appease his restlessness."
"Restlessness, hah! He's got you fooled, he's probably been camped out in front of the tube, scarfing Cheese Nips and watching the Gameshow Network, when he wasn't sleeping it off..."
"Hmm."
Just know that it's odd. I can't really say too much since there's not really a plot to describe. However, it is Due South, everything is imaginary although there are some exact quotes from episodes, for which I give props to the canon writers and performers, blah blah.
I'll try to remember that you're laughing with me, not at me...and away we go:
DisJunctures, by Cliona
A split second after seeing it, Fraser took off after the guy, no surprises there. Ray was a few paces behind, cell phone jammed to his head as he called it in.
"Car accident, pretty bad - crazy guy outta nowhere jumped across rush hour traffic, just kept running - yeah, of course he's chasing him, Frannie, what you think?"
"Hear this heavy breathing? It ain't 'cause I like you, I'm kinda in the middle of something! I'll call back when we get the guy, then you can bitch to me about Welsh, okay?"
Ray jammed the phone back into his jacket pocket, and hustled to keep Fraser in his sight. The guy was jacked up on something, running in a strange, wild frenzy, on the edge of rabid, and pretty speedy for an old guy - least from the back he looked old to Ray, because he had that slicked-back hairstyle like his Dad did. They ran for another half-mile, it felt like forever. Suddenly the guy turned a hard left, into an alley next to a boarded-up theatre. Ray recognized The Guardian, it used to show cheesy B-movies back in the day, he had a fond memory of jerking off in the balcony while watching that British chick who played the bitch on TV later on, but was really pretty hot back then.
Fraser, then Ray, followed the whackjob in as he leapt through the stage door and careened into the theatre. The once-grand lobby was festooned with pigeon droppings, with some walls exposed down to stud, all covered in mold. The doorway to the auditorium was curtained off by stiff waterlogged tarpaulin, which was now flapping back into place. Some weird static electricity thing goosed Fraser, then Ray, as they passed under the tarp and stumbled out into
"Polley Parker, come on down! You are the next contestant on … The Price Is Right!" (Applause)
“What the - Fras, look out!”
“That’s me, that’s me, omigod, omig - oooof!”
“I am so terribly sorry, ma’am, are you injured?”
“He’s cutting! It’s me, it’s my turn, I’m Polley!”
“Fraser, go, I’ll take care of - hey, ow! Watch it lady, jeez, I’m trying to help!”
“Get out of my way, dammit!”
“Err, that’s Polley Parker, come on down!” (Applause)
“I’m trying! Just - move, asshole! Here I am, Bob!”
“Um, well, let’s find out what you’ll be playing for - tell them Rod Roddy!”
“You’ll be playing for … a new car!” (Applause)
Rubbing his elbow, dazed by the noise and the lights and the crowd, Ray scuttled up the far right side of the stage towards some freaky-looking Pachinko for Giants thing, feeling that weird vibey sensation again as he passed the heavy curtain just behind, and bumped into Fraser, struggling to grab hold of the runner, who was still spazzing like a freak and bellowing incoherently. All three men were jammed close into some sort of croissant shaped cubicle on a slight riser crammed with furniture, which suddenly began to pivot. The momentum threw Ray into the side of an armoire and the spazzo behind an oversize couch. Fraser leaned into the motion, trapping the guy under a firmly placed boot to the back, then blinked from the spotlight glare of
"Don McCullough, congratulations - you have seventeen hundred dollars to spend, this time in …our
Wheel of Fortune living room! (Applause) Tell us about some of things he might spend that money on this round, Johnny!"
"*Psst Fras - don't move, just freeze!*"
"Pat, among the items available for Don to select today are ... a Toshiba color TV, 27-inchstereospeakerwithuniversalremoteandcablereadyhookupfrom ... Toshiba, $249.99. (Applause) And … thisbeautifulnewcarpetfrom …DUPONT, comesinaselectionofcolorsandpatternswithScotchgardstainprooftreatmentandalsoincludingcarpetpadding, all yours for $419.99!" (Applause)
"*Dear God, where in heavens name are we, Ray?*"
"Okay Don, now's your chance, let's do a little shopping."
"*1983, I think. Just - stay still, maybe they'll think you’re a, you know, like a dead owl.*"
"Pat, I'd like the trip to Palm Springs for $950, and, uh, the grandfather clock for $449.99 -"
"*I believe you're thinking of taxidermy, Ray, although I’m not sure your analogy is -*"
" - umm, the TV for $249.99 -"
"*Whatever, just quit it and shhsh -*"
" - leaving you with a remainder of 51 dollars, the only thing left you can afford is the pair of crystal-cut glass fingerbowls from Ethan Allen for $39.99, withthelast10dollarsinagiftcertificatefromSpeigels."
"Killers! Assassins!"
“Well folks, sounds like our stage crew needs a vacation! (Applause) But now it’s time for our next puzzle, here’s Vanna, … with a commonly used phrase. A commonly used phrase. Don, it’s your spin.”
The platform began to pivot back, throwing Fraser off -balance. Spaz, still screaming, bolted out and scurried sideways, headlong towards the left backstage curtains. The two partners gave chase, and this time Ray shivered when the funny buzz happened once again, just as they were plunged into darkness. He could hear feet scuffling, and those distinctive little puffs of air Fraser would exhale when he got irritated. Spaz was more than easy to locate, since he was still raving, but Ray had a feeling someone else there. Before he could say a word, though, the darkness was broken as the curtains behind him started to move open. See, he was right, there was a big black guy next to him who stepped forward towards
“Heh heh okay okay, this next guy, well, you’ll love his stuff! You know who I’m talking about, let’s have a hand for … Gene, Gene the Dancing Machine!”
“Chucky baby! I loved this show! Frase, shake your booty!”
“Ray, have you lost your mind? We are in the middle of a pursuit, and you want us to stop and join in on this lunacy? Who are these people, and why are they throwing garbage at us?”
“Fraser, I got a feeling Spaz isn’t gonna get very far - and so aren’t we, for that matter, so why not dance?”
“I am at a loss to understand exactly how and why you fell into a delusional state, Ray, but once we have taken this gentleman into custody at the precinct, I will endeavor to do so then.”
“I won’t let you! I’ll kill you first!” (Gong)
“Aaaaaah! You won't get me! Murderers!” (Gong)
“Heh heh alright alright, that’s great stuff. Everybody, Gene Gene and, uh, his three stooges or something! (Applause) I don’t know, let’s - get on out here, come on Jaye P.! Thanks, that’s it, it’s all over, get outta here!”
“Bones! Wait,…stop!
“What the - Fraser, who the hell was that? Let’s go!”
A crowd of people had clamored around, madly twisting and dancing while balloons and streamers fell from the ceiling onto the crush of bodies, which included two guys in some weird acrobat kind of tights, who seemed as intent as Fraser and Ray were on collaring Spaz. Who of course had snuck out behind that mustachioed freak throwing confetti and darted straight ahead for the blinding spotlights. The gymnast guys weaseled out first, since Ray had to help rescue Fraser from the clutches of a scary-ass puppet wielding a feather boa, so now they were chasing guys in tights chasing Spaz, none of who they could see because the lights were so painfully bright. Fraser and Ray just had to leap forward and
“Let’s Make a Deal!”
The packed audience surged to its feet, everyone in wild, colorful costumes as they jumped up and down madly, franctically gesticulating towards the same spot, just up ahead from where the two detectives landed. Following their line of sight, Ray spotted the guys in tights quickly, and so did
"Now these two gentlemen - excuse me, sir, what are you supposed to be? I don't think I've seen anything
like these outfits before, has anyone? (Applause)
"My friend is obviously Chinese. I see you've noticed the ears. They're actually easy to explain."
"Perhaps the unfortunate accident I had as a child."
"The unfortunate accident he had as a child. He caught his head in a mechanical...rice picker. But fortunately, there was an American missionary living close by who was actually a, uh...skilled plastic surgeon in civilian life."
"Heheh, okay I'm still not sure, a Chinese acrobat and his interpreter, maybe - I think I saw you on Sullivan, along with 7 of your friends, heheh - but now, Let's Make a Deal!" (Applause)
"*I believe this may be an attempt to ransom the Doctor, Captain.*"
"What do you have to trade?"
"*So it would appear.*"
"What is that, a cigarette case? What if I offered you what's behind that curtain, would you give me that case?"
"Yes, and just what is...behind that curtain? Bargain in good faith, man! We need to see our friend first, what do you take us for, a pair of soccers?"
"Heheh, no you don't understand -"
"Shit, Frase - it's the curtains! Monty, Monty, over here!"
"Where have you taken our medical officer? Dammit, I need answers!"
"Okay, well - let's move on to someone who understands the game!"
"Don't worry Polly, I'll save you!"
"Ray, that is profoundly insulting to the fine history of the Royal Mounted-"
"Well, well, it's Dudley Do-Right! This is more like it! Dudley, let's make a deal! What do you have to trade?"
"Um, he's got -whaddya got - he's got, um - beef jerky! Yeah, homemade beef jerky, Monty! *Fraser, you got pemmican, right?*
"Of course, Ray - are you feeling peckish? I knew you would eventually realize its benefits."
"Well, alright - I'll trade you your beef jerky for $200 or what's behind Curtain #1!"
"I couldn't possibly make such a trade, it's patently unfair, the pemmican is only -"
"He'll take the curtain, Monty!"
"I most certainly will not, Ray! Even if I were to set ethics aside and agree to this unfair bargain, it would be statistically foolish of me to bank on probability rather than a definitive cash exchange. I'd take -"
"He'll take the curtain, Monty! *Fraser, go with me, I got a hunch, okay?*"
"Of course, I should have known you would have a hunch, eventually. Fine. We'll take the curtain, thank you kindly."
"Let's show them what's behind Curtain #1!" (Applause)
"Murderers! Assassins! You! What planet is this?"
"Er, well it's the lovely Carol Merrill and her assistant, next to a garbage can!"
"Bones!"
"See, always trust my hunches, Frase - get him!"
"I'll offer you the chance to choose $200 - hey, come back! No fair looking first! Cut! Where's the goddamn producer, who the hell is in charge of screening the audience, Jesus Christ!"
All four men sped from the audience across the proscenium archway, towards Spaz, who was enthralled by the charms of the hostess. At the last minute he saw them approach, and ran for the first of three doors set to the side. The acrobats got there first, barely snicking the door closed in front of Fraser and Ray. Ray could feel that funny energy pulsating off the door handle as he shoved the door open with his shoulder and both men staggered into
"I wasn't expecting you to use the back door, son. Why did you bring the Yank?"
"Dad! We're in the midst of - did three men come in before us?"
"Dad? This is your father, Fraser? This mean we're dead?"
"No, just you. Never been anyone here I haven't invited, or known was coming. Except the Yank, of course."
"Dad."
"I gotta spend eternity with my father-in-law? Jesus, Fraser, we're in hell!"
"Actually Ray, this hell is my old closet at the Consulate. And it's time we left this entire debacle behind us. Let's go home. "
"Right behind you, want to forget this day ever happened -
as soon as I figure out what happened. Sandor's?"
"I believe we should, after all Dief has been cooped up in the house all day, it's the least we can do to appease his restlessness."
"Restlessness, hah! He's got you fooled, he's probably been camped out in front of the tube, scarfing Cheese Nips and watching the Gameshow Network, when he wasn't sleeping it off..."
"Hmm."