Not actually fandom related. At all. But at least I'm writing?
My "artistic" contribution to the Transgender Day of Remembrance.
I really want to make some art for this event. But I'm having a hard time. I mostly sculpt, occasionally collage and doodle. I could doodle on a large scale. But what? There are a lot of images I associate with my gender experience, but they're not really visual. How do I represent the feeling of packing tape grazing the tender skin under my arms where the undershirt I'm using to protct me from the tape I bind with is simply too low? Or the sick feeling of my sternum clicking when I breathe because I bound too tight? The panic while rummaging in my bag for scissors I forgot to pack to cut myself out because I can't breathe anymore. The look on my sister's face as she digs her utility knife out of her pocket. Don't do it so tight next time. But this time it worked so good and they were really gone. If only for a couple of hours.
I can't visually represent the simultaneous love/hate/wonder/disgust I feel for my body. How every day I wish it was different, but never in the same way. I love my breasts, I hate my breasts, I wish I had a penis, why would I need a penis? What's wrong with my body, it's perfect. I hate it, it's all wrong. And repeat and repeat and repeat. Every self portrait is different. And still none of them are right.
Would it be easier to show the disbelief? The 'you say you are but you really aren't, I mean, look at you'. Or perhaps the look on the hairdresser's face when I tell her 'no, shorter'. I have wigs for girl hair when I need it. The difficulty of explaining why I changed my name or why I want a different pronoun. None of them really work for me, but I try. The complete certainty of some that I am a girl because that is how I present myself, regardless of how I actually present myself. How do you draw frustration? The desire to smash my head against the wall or just hide until it goes away. How do you look like you feel when you look so much like a girl? Is there a way to draw the jealousy I have for boys who like like boys but still get to paint their nails? That creeping envy I have for effeminate boys that is totally unfair to them but it smoulders through me nonetheless.
Perhaps I could illstrate the injuries? The bruises on the sides of my breasts. The raw bleeding skin on their underside from where I've scratched because they get so sweaty and my sweat is so very itchy. They're not self-inflicted woulnds, really, they're just consequence of life. Like skinning your knee when you fall off your bike. They are almost visual. I don't know how to make my flesh look itghy. How it hurts and feels good to scratch. All the damp, sticky, itchy skin under my fingernails. How I wake up scabbed to my sheets because I scratch in my sleep. That I can't find bandaides big enough or shaped properly to cover the afflicted areas, so I stick five, ten, twenty little bandaides on and feel them tug against my sore skin when I move wrong.
I really want to make some art for this event. But I'm having a hard time. I mostly sculpt, occasionally collage and doodle. I could doodle on a large scale. But what? There are a lot of images I associate with my gender experience, but they're not really visual. How do I represent the feeling of packing tape grazing the tender skin under my arms where the undershirt I'm using to protct me from the tape I bind with is simply too low? Or the sick feeling of my sternum clicking when I breathe because I bound too tight? The panic while rummaging in my bag for scissors I forgot to pack to cut myself out because I can't breathe anymore. The look on my sister's face as she digs her utility knife out of her pocket. Don't do it so tight next time. But this time it worked so good and they were really gone. If only for a couple of hours.
I can't visually represent the simultaneous love/hate/wonder/disgust I feel for my body. How every day I wish it was different, but never in the same way. I love my breasts, I hate my breasts, I wish I had a penis, why would I need a penis? What's wrong with my body, it's perfect. I hate it, it's all wrong. And repeat and repeat and repeat. Every self portrait is different. And still none of them are right.
Would it be easier to show the disbelief? The 'you say you are but you really aren't, I mean, look at you'. Or perhaps the look on the hairdresser's face when I tell her 'no, shorter'. I have wigs for girl hair when I need it. The difficulty of explaining why I changed my name or why I want a different pronoun. None of them really work for me, but I try. The complete certainty of some that I am a girl because that is how I present myself, regardless of how I actually present myself. How do you draw frustration? The desire to smash my head against the wall or just hide until it goes away. How do you look like you feel when you look so much like a girl? Is there a way to draw the jealousy I have for boys who like like boys but still get to paint their nails? That creeping envy I have for effeminate boys that is totally unfair to them but it smoulders through me nonetheless.
Perhaps I could illstrate the injuries? The bruises on the sides of my breasts. The raw bleeding skin on their underside from where I've scratched because they get so sweaty and my sweat is so very itchy. They're not self-inflicted woulnds, really, they're just consequence of life. Like skinning your knee when you fall off your bike. They are almost visual. I don't know how to make my flesh look itghy. How it hurts and feels good to scratch. All the damp, sticky, itchy skin under my fingernails. How I wake up scabbed to my sheets because I scratch in my sleep. That I can't find bandaides big enough or shaped properly to cover the afflicted areas, so I stick five, ten, twenty little bandaides on and feel them tug against my sore skin when I move wrong.