(no subject)
Hey. So, when I was 19 I used to write about my gender identity a lot because that was how I dealt with confusion. It;s still how I deal with confusion. And angst. And everything. Anyhow, I put it in a box and forgot about it.
I found it! And at 24 this is still how I feel. And I'm sharing, because sharing is caring.
I do not pass as a boy very well. I have been trying since I was 15 to be something like a boy, the the female pronoun (she, her, hers) and the letter F still follow me and are stamped on all of my identification. It is not my identity, but it pervades every aspect of my outside identification.
It might be the breasts. It is entirely possible they are the ones blowing my cover. I have a binder, I got it years ago but it's not very effective. They press them into my chest, but the resulting bump is a monument of what I'm trying to hide. And so I'm still a 'she'. Of course, now that I have access to shopping on the internet, I suppose I can start buying binders until I find one that works for me. But until then... I'm not good at waiting. I have to accept the poorly fitting pronouns and letter.
Don't get my wrong though. While I want to pass as a boy, I do not really want that big M on my BCID. That is not the destination I am headed for, That is not my objective. What I want on my ID is a question mark. I would like the fluidity from man to woman, from female to male, what whoever to whoever, without a permanent label being stuck on my back, just out of my reach and sight.
This idea always worried me, my desire to be somewhere in between, to be some kind of unnameable, to have aspects of bother genders, to make people stop, think, maybe even ask before then throw me into some kind of generality. Really, is the so much to ask? Apparently.
I found it! And at 24 this is still how I feel. And I'm sharing, because sharing is caring.
I do not pass as a boy very well. I have been trying since I was 15 to be something like a boy, the the female pronoun (she, her, hers) and the letter F still follow me and are stamped on all of my identification. It is not my identity, but it pervades every aspect of my outside identification.
It might be the breasts. It is entirely possible they are the ones blowing my cover. I have a binder, I got it years ago but it's not very effective. They press them into my chest, but the resulting bump is a monument of what I'm trying to hide. And so I'm still a 'she'. Of course, now that I have access to shopping on the internet, I suppose I can start buying binders until I find one that works for me. But until then... I'm not good at waiting. I have to accept the poorly fitting pronouns and letter.
Don't get my wrong though. While I want to pass as a boy, I do not really want that big M on my BCID. That is not the destination I am headed for, That is not my objective. What I want on my ID is a question mark. I would like the fluidity from man to woman, from female to male, what whoever to whoever, without a permanent label being stuck on my back, just out of my reach and sight.
This idea always worried me, my desire to be somewhere in between, to be some kind of unnameable, to have aspects of bother genders, to make people stop, think, maybe even ask before then throw me into some kind of generality. Really, is the so much to ask? Apparently.