Murphy's Lawyer
Here's a short story I wrote. It has very dry humor in it.
I am Murphy’s lawyer. How I got the job, I’m not quite sure, but I that is my occupation in life. Not familiar with Murphy? You’ve probably heard of him, he’s quite infamous. He is the man who wrote Murphy’s Law, the embodiment of all things we dread when we are in a rush or are trying to get done in a hurry. To put it simply, Murphy wrote that anything and everything that can go wrong will go wrong. I, being his lawyer, defend this law. I’ve never one a case, of course, because my witnesses usually fall deathly ill or suddenly move to a foreign country. I also seem to be especially affected by the very law I protect. Not a day in my life has ever gone as planned. I am late to work everyday. Either my car won’t start or my alarm clock randomly ceases to function. Of course, I always get caught in bad traffic no matter how early I manage to leave. I’ve gotten four hundred seventy-three flat tires in the past month. I’ve had to replace my engine seventeen times and buy two new cars in the past six months. My house had burned down twice, and I haven’t managed to keep a pet for more than a week without it dying or running away. Yep, that’s my life, but I just grin and bear it. What can I do? I could quit, but that would be disastrous. In fact, I did quit one time, and the world took a severe change for the worse.
You see I had just changed to a new set of clothes for the fifth time that day when I realized how bad I had it. Why did I get the job of defending Murphy? When I graduated from Harvard School of Law, I had the whole world before me. I knew four foreign languages, including Spanish and Vietnamese. I even knew sign language and could read Braille! I was valedictorian and class president. I had a 4.0 GPA and was already lined up for seven interviews. Then I had met him. I was walking home when a tree limb fell one me. A kind man helped me up and walked me home. He told me who he was and what he had done, and that he needed someone to defend his law or the world would fall into chaos. So, there I was, wondering what had possessed me to take the job. Then I made a decision: I was going to quit. I threw my cup of coffee to the floor, which splashed all over my clean trousers, and yelled, “ I QUIT!” The ground trembled beneath me. Well, that was because there was an earthquake going on, but it was still very climactic. I stormed out of the office and noticed that my shirt didn’t get caught on the edge of the reception desk as it usually did. The elevator even worked the first time I pushed the button. I got to my car and, amazingly, it cranked without so much as a cough or sputter. I drove home and didn’t hit a single stop sign or get caught at a single red light. All my mail had been delivered to the right house and the kids next door hadn’t broken any of my windows. I was feeling very strange, for I hadn’t had that much luck since college. I went straight to bed and I actually got comfortable and feel asleep. The next morning was bright and sunny, and I just lay in bed taking it all in. When I walked outside, all of my neighbors seemed to be in a good mood, even the cranky senior citizen that lived across the street.
Well, that went on for about a month without consequence. Eventually, though, bad things began to happen. All the mechanics in town were without a job because rarely did anything stop functioning. All the plumbers and electricians had much less business, and the firefighters and policeman never had anything to do. Computers never crashed and the satellite always had perfect reception, so people moved around less, and the fat to body mass ratio of the entire rose exponentially. There was an overpopulation of cats and dogs in the city because the never died of accidents. I realized that this was all because there was no one to defend Murphy’s Law, so no one was taking heed of it. I went back to the office building I used to work in and found and an envelope taped to the door. All that was written on it was “Welcome Back”. After a few days of me working like mad, things returned to normal. The crime rate was on the rise, and there had never been so much road kill on Highway 245. A forest fire began in the nearby Evergreen forest due to a careless camper. Mechanics had plenty to do because it seemed that almost every car in the city broke down at once.
So, I take my job very seriously. Next time you think that your job is getting to you, just think of what I have to do and you will get over it. Of course, if anything unpleasant were to happen to you at an inconvenient time, you may mail your complaint to:
Murphy’s Law Office
5661 Bad Gnus Boulevard
Far Out City, AL 35299
I will see you in court.
I am Murphy’s lawyer. How I got the job, I’m not quite sure, but I that is my occupation in life. Not familiar with Murphy? You’ve probably heard of him, he’s quite infamous. He is the man who wrote Murphy’s Law, the embodiment of all things we dread when we are in a rush or are trying to get done in a hurry. To put it simply, Murphy wrote that anything and everything that can go wrong will go wrong. I, being his lawyer, defend this law. I’ve never one a case, of course, because my witnesses usually fall deathly ill or suddenly move to a foreign country. I also seem to be especially affected by the very law I protect. Not a day in my life has ever gone as planned. I am late to work everyday. Either my car won’t start or my alarm clock randomly ceases to function. Of course, I always get caught in bad traffic no matter how early I manage to leave. I’ve gotten four hundred seventy-three flat tires in the past month. I’ve had to replace my engine seventeen times and buy two new cars in the past six months. My house had burned down twice, and I haven’t managed to keep a pet for more than a week without it dying or running away. Yep, that’s my life, but I just grin and bear it. What can I do? I could quit, but that would be disastrous. In fact, I did quit one time, and the world took a severe change for the worse.
You see I had just changed to a new set of clothes for the fifth time that day when I realized how bad I had it. Why did I get the job of defending Murphy? When I graduated from Harvard School of Law, I had the whole world before me. I knew four foreign languages, including Spanish and Vietnamese. I even knew sign language and could read Braille! I was valedictorian and class president. I had a 4.0 GPA and was already lined up for seven interviews. Then I had met him. I was walking home when a tree limb fell one me. A kind man helped me up and walked me home. He told me who he was and what he had done, and that he needed someone to defend his law or the world would fall into chaos. So, there I was, wondering what had possessed me to take the job. Then I made a decision: I was going to quit. I threw my cup of coffee to the floor, which splashed all over my clean trousers, and yelled, “ I QUIT!” The ground trembled beneath me. Well, that was because there was an earthquake going on, but it was still very climactic. I stormed out of the office and noticed that my shirt didn’t get caught on the edge of the reception desk as it usually did. The elevator even worked the first time I pushed the button. I got to my car and, amazingly, it cranked without so much as a cough or sputter. I drove home and didn’t hit a single stop sign or get caught at a single red light. All my mail had been delivered to the right house and the kids next door hadn’t broken any of my windows. I was feeling very strange, for I hadn’t had that much luck since college. I went straight to bed and I actually got comfortable and feel asleep. The next morning was bright and sunny, and I just lay in bed taking it all in. When I walked outside, all of my neighbors seemed to be in a good mood, even the cranky senior citizen that lived across the street.
Well, that went on for about a month without consequence. Eventually, though, bad things began to happen. All the mechanics in town were without a job because rarely did anything stop functioning. All the plumbers and electricians had much less business, and the firefighters and policeman never had anything to do. Computers never crashed and the satellite always had perfect reception, so people moved around less, and the fat to body mass ratio of the entire rose exponentially. There was an overpopulation of cats and dogs in the city because the never died of accidents. I realized that this was all because there was no one to defend Murphy’s Law, so no one was taking heed of it. I went back to the office building I used to work in and found and an envelope taped to the door. All that was written on it was “Welcome Back”. After a few days of me working like mad, things returned to normal. The crime rate was on the rise, and there had never been so much road kill on Highway 245. A forest fire began in the nearby Evergreen forest due to a careless camper. Mechanics had plenty to do because it seemed that almost every car in the city broke down at once.
So, I take my job very seriously. Next time you think that your job is getting to you, just think of what I have to do and you will get over it. Of course, if anything unpleasant were to happen to you at an inconvenient time, you may mail your complaint to:
Murphy’s Law Office
5661 Bad Gnus Boulevard
Far Out City, AL 35299
I will see you in court.