Intro and a question (cross posted)
Hi guys,
I've been lurking around for a bit and figured I'd post to intro myself and ask for some advice.
Ok, so I actually feel like I'm in sort of an odd place as I'm trying to be succesful in school (in college taking the pre-req sciences for nursing) while figuring out all the internal stuff of who I am, or rather- I know who I am and always have (even if I didn't know what to call it), but I'm trying to figure out what to do about it. The past 6-ish months I've actually started admitting to myself that I'm trans, though I've felt it my whole life, and am trying to get past a whole life of denial.
A bit over two months ago I came out to one of my friends, and have since gotten to 6 more. Most were surprised by the sexuality (I also finally admitted to msyelf that I'm bi, and it can't just always be explained as a fluke, though have never acted on that half of it), but not by the gender. I mean sure they were surprised to hear about it in those terms- knowing that your friend is certainly not all that girly is one thing, but hearing that they've always felt like a guy is another. Overall though, they've said that it makes a lot of sense and it fits with who they've always known me to be. I have also only told close friends, and anyone I'm that close with has to be a decently open minded person, and one's gay and one's bi so a bit less risk there. Anyway, just knowing that a handful of people who care about me and who I care about know more about who I really am and still accept me has been such a positive thing. In a weird way I feel so much more at peace wth myself than I have in an incredibly long time, even with all the internal turmoil that comes with having to think about yourself this much.
I'm trying to figure out what to do from here, as stopping denial and coming out is a huge first step. One friend asked me what I really want, and I said that I know who I really want to be, but I can't. That if religion wasn't an issue, and hurting my family wasn't an issue, and sociallt it wasn't an issue, I would want to be the man that I've always been on the inside. But the whole process of transitioning seems so big and so overwhelming and scary that I'm trying to figure out where to amass the internal strength to work on it. As much as I've never felt like a girl, and have always and still do really suck at it, the world has always viewed me as female, and every friendship, relationship with any other human being has been so influenced by the fact that I presented as female. Only the past several years did I start trying to act, dress, etc more "girly" in an effort to fit in, but I reached a point where I sort of snapped back- it just isn't who I am, and I'm so tired of constantly trying to be someone I'm not just to fit in and make the rest of the world happy. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about, and I appologise for writing too much here.
The point is this- I figure that being a student provides me with a good opportunity to try some things out and push the limits a bit. I got my first haircut at the barber a week ago (felt like I was playing with fire, but was very proud of myself), and school starts in another week, which I deliberately planned with some time for it to grow out before school started. I generally sort of vary on dress from dressing how I want- more manly, to how I think I should so people won't automatically think I'm gay (not that I'm not totally fine with people being gay, just that I don't want to be labeled that way especially if it's not the case)- it seems manly girl=gay, more girly girl=straight, in people's minds anyway. It's messed up, nobody gets that it has everything to do with GENDER, not sexuality.
*** Anyway, now to my question- I've gotten a peer mentoring job, and I am trying to figure out how much that limits what I can do as far as pushing the limits and exploring gender- as being a non-girly girl and beyond, as we are supposed to be role models for the freshman, dress appropriately on the days we have the freshman seminar class with them and such. I don't want to come across as the genderqueer weirdo mentor, which wouldn't be at all beneficial to these kids that I do very sincerely want to help, which is why I wanted the job. Any suggestions?
I'm at the point now where I'm trying to figure out if I can "make it work" to stay as a girl and hope that I find a guy that actually "gets" me, and will make it worth dealing with the dysphoria for the rest of my life. Or if I should take steps toward transition, and become the man I've always been, bring my outside in line with my inside, make myself feel more whole, but with all the risks and issues that comes with. But on that same side, the rest of my life is a long time, and I don't know that I can imagine spending the rest of my life stuck as a woman, even if the idea of transitioning makes me feel both happy and sick at the same time. This is all so complicated, and there are no easy answers to anything. I'm sorry for rambling on here, it's kind of late. Any advice, suggestions, etc that anyone has would be greatly appreciated (feel free to post or e-mail). Thanks!
I've been lurking around for a bit and figured I'd post to intro myself and ask for some advice.
Ok, so I actually feel like I'm in sort of an odd place as I'm trying to be succesful in school (in college taking the pre-req sciences for nursing) while figuring out all the internal stuff of who I am, or rather- I know who I am and always have (even if I didn't know what to call it), but I'm trying to figure out what to do about it. The past 6-ish months I've actually started admitting to myself that I'm trans, though I've felt it my whole life, and am trying to get past a whole life of denial.
A bit over two months ago I came out to one of my friends, and have since gotten to 6 more. Most were surprised by the sexuality (I also finally admitted to msyelf that I'm bi, and it can't just always be explained as a fluke, though have never acted on that half of it), but not by the gender. I mean sure they were surprised to hear about it in those terms- knowing that your friend is certainly not all that girly is one thing, but hearing that they've always felt like a guy is another. Overall though, they've said that it makes a lot of sense and it fits with who they've always known me to be. I have also only told close friends, and anyone I'm that close with has to be a decently open minded person, and one's gay and one's bi so a bit less risk there. Anyway, just knowing that a handful of people who care about me and who I care about know more about who I really am and still accept me has been such a positive thing. In a weird way I feel so much more at peace wth myself than I have in an incredibly long time, even with all the internal turmoil that comes with having to think about yourself this much.
I'm trying to figure out what to do from here, as stopping denial and coming out is a huge first step. One friend asked me what I really want, and I said that I know who I really want to be, but I can't. That if religion wasn't an issue, and hurting my family wasn't an issue, and sociallt it wasn't an issue, I would want to be the man that I've always been on the inside. But the whole process of transitioning seems so big and so overwhelming and scary that I'm trying to figure out where to amass the internal strength to work on it. As much as I've never felt like a girl, and have always and still do really suck at it, the world has always viewed me as female, and every friendship, relationship with any other human being has been so influenced by the fact that I presented as female. Only the past several years did I start trying to act, dress, etc more "girly" in an effort to fit in, but I reached a point where I sort of snapped back- it just isn't who I am, and I'm so tired of constantly trying to be someone I'm not just to fit in and make the rest of the world happy. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about, and I appologise for writing too much here.
The point is this- I figure that being a student provides me with a good opportunity to try some things out and push the limits a bit. I got my first haircut at the barber a week ago (felt like I was playing with fire, but was very proud of myself), and school starts in another week, which I deliberately planned with some time for it to grow out before school started. I generally sort of vary on dress from dressing how I want- more manly, to how I think I should so people won't automatically think I'm gay (not that I'm not totally fine with people being gay, just that I don't want to be labeled that way especially if it's not the case)- it seems manly girl=gay, more girly girl=straight, in people's minds anyway. It's messed up, nobody gets that it has everything to do with GENDER, not sexuality.
*** Anyway, now to my question- I've gotten a peer mentoring job, and I am trying to figure out how much that limits what I can do as far as pushing the limits and exploring gender- as being a non-girly girl and beyond, as we are supposed to be role models for the freshman, dress appropriately on the days we have the freshman seminar class with them and such. I don't want to come across as the genderqueer weirdo mentor, which wouldn't be at all beneficial to these kids that I do very sincerely want to help, which is why I wanted the job. Any suggestions?
I'm at the point now where I'm trying to figure out if I can "make it work" to stay as a girl and hope that I find a guy that actually "gets" me, and will make it worth dealing with the dysphoria for the rest of my life. Or if I should take steps toward transition, and become the man I've always been, bring my outside in line with my inside, make myself feel more whole, but with all the risks and issues that comes with. But on that same side, the rest of my life is a long time, and I don't know that I can imagine spending the rest of my life stuck as a woman, even if the idea of transitioning makes me feel both happy and sick at the same time. This is all so complicated, and there are no easy answers to anything. I'm sorry for rambling on here, it's kind of late. Any advice, suggestions, etc that anyone has would be greatly appreciated (feel free to post or e-mail). Thanks!