i only miss you when i'm breathing
characters/pairings: devon/sarah
word count: 1552
rating: i used 'shit' once twice
summary: sometimes you're (un)fortunate enough to run into something you can't run away from
Despite however long it’s been - one year, ten months, and twelve days, to be exact, but he’s vowed not to keep count, decidedly settling on roughly two years - he could still pick her out from anywhere. The countless number of people crowded around the Louvre at this hour of the day was little more than a nuisance; he would bet anything that the woman that caught his eye was her. His memory wasn’t the best, by far, but when it came to her, his memory was anything but bad.
Then again who could blame him? It felt almost like Sarah Walker, by design, was unforgettable.
So there he was, in the middle of Paris on a Wednesday afternoon, nearly gawking at the first person he’s seen from his past in roughly two years. And, as if by some cruel twist of fate, the only person that truly mattered to him at this point.
His transformation had been nearly instantaneous - there with little objection from his ex-wife, the obligations to his hospital were taken care of, and everyone else he knew was fed a bullshit story he never bothered to ask about. Everything he knew vanished from existence. In the time it took to drive to LAX in rush hour, he went from Devon Woodcomb, husband, son, and renowned surgeon, to Matthew Harding, recently single, estranged to his family, and new head of the HR department at a wine distributer.
To their credit, the CIA was good to those who protected their agendas. As it turns out, keeping a government secret that threatened national security earned you points with the government but puts you in the negative with the people you were supposed to keep it from.
It was by complete accident that he found out. He’d made some lasagna for lunch on his day off and he caught a glimpse of someone just entering Chuck and Sarah’s apartment, so he went to ask whichever one of them was home if they wanted to join him. The door was opened a crack and no one answered when he knocked so he planned to come back later with leftovers. He couldn’t be certain, but had he closed the door sooner, it’s possible that things would be different today.
The elaborate plans set out to kidnap Chuck for the greater good were reluctantly disclosed to him, through Sarah’s insistence. He was always closer to her, they’ve gotten along remarkably despite not talking very often. He had always been a good judge of character and his gut had told him Sarah, spy or not, was genuine from day one. He always vouched for her, and he could only guess that was the reason why she insisted he hear everything instead of just the bit he overheard where she would be the terrorist that kidnaps her own fiancé.
When shit hit the fan a bit too early, Chuck and Ellie took his nondisclosure personally - a betrayal of sorts. Suddenly, he was the one who was untrustworthy because, even if he never kept a secret about anything else, keeping a secret about something of this proportion, that changes everything, was too much to be forgiven.
It probably didn’t help his case when he kept defending Sarah every time Ellie brought up how she kept stomping over Chuck’s too-easily-gained trust. Sarah was his friend. He wouldn’t let her get dragged through the mud because Ellie only got half of the details, it wasn’t fair. He may have been a simple guy but he did know that things weren’t always black and white. And this, more than ever, was definitely one of those grey areas.
Through that ordeal, he and Sarah found solace in each other. For the rough few months that came after everything went to hell, they spent nearly every day together doing something, anything. When it became unbearable at home, he could always count on her to go out on a run with him or get some ice cream somewhere. On the worst nights, they would indulge an In and Out run. She could always take him away from his less than welcoming reality. It was easy to talk to her, she had the ability put his mind as ease even if she wasn’t feeling as well, herself. She never turned him away when he needed her, something he found he took for granted when he left his old life.
He realized that the last time he’s seen her was in the parking lot at the beach, the night before he flew out. He confided in her that he couldn’t take it anymore. The woman he loved seemed more keen to fight with him than not, he was unwelcome at home, and it was taking its toll. He used up every last ounce he had. She simply nodded and gave him a reassuring touch. When he was done with his plea, she said okay and that was that. The next thing he knew, he had a ticket to France on the red-eye the next day and reassurance that everything was taken care of from the agent that picked him up.
Reality suddenly jolted back when a tourist taking a picture bumps into him from behind; the little flash back he had drew him away from his present surroundings. He was certain he looked like a fool standing in the middle of the area, staring off into the distance. He checked his watch for the time. It was a quarter past one which meant he had been standing there for a little under ten minutes and, more importantly, that he was going to be late for the projection meeting he had planned for today.
His eyes had yet to leave her. Across all the people running about, he kept his gaze on her. He couldn’t help but wonder about how she’d been, what happened after he left. He wanted to thank her. No one told him explicitly that Sarah was the one who organized his leave but it wasn’t like it could be anyone else. Despite missing some things from his old life, he was more grateful for this opportunity. He wasn’t under witness protection or anything like that, just a new person. He could talk to whomever he chose about whatever he wanted. In a sense, she gave him the reset button he asked for.
There was a moment of hesitation when he called his secretary. For a second, he contemplated between simply calling it off rather than telling her he was running late. As the phone rang, he brushed the idea off almost as quick as it came.
He had no clue what she was doing there, or who she was anymore. Wishful thinking said that she was still his safety net, rational thought told him two years was a long time. He, himself, was more than enough proof of how much someone could change in that amount of time.
He kept his hair slightly longer than before, his once blonde hair was now a warm, chocolate brown. His closetful of scrubs was now a closetful of suits. Urgent phone calls were about interoffice dilemmas that didn’t concern actual life or death. He wasn’t careless about his endeavors with women but he also wasn’t prudent. Instead of squeezing in workouts, he had time to do proper ones at the gym. He adjusted to a nine-to-five job better than he expected and he actually liked his job.
In all honesty, it wasn’t terribly hard to forget about his life as Devon and Matt Harding had a good ring to it. He fell into his new life so easily, it nearly scared him. It was almost as if he’d been wanting a new life before all the problems began. The pang of guilt that used to gut him began to fade after the first year. He came to terms with changing and that was the end of that.
And if he could change that much in that little of time, it was only logical to believe that Sarah could just as well.
When he left, she was still engaged to Chuck; had they not gotten married since then, it’d be a surprise to him. No matter the situation, they always worked it out - the one that broke him and Ellie, included. Chuck was head over heels for Sarah. Despite his shortcomings when it came to her, he did truly love her and Sarah deserved at least that much.
In his eyes, she had everything she needed, so she didn’t need him. There was no use in throwing firewood onto a fire that never started. On top of that, he was certain he romanticized everything. Sarah had helped him when he needed it the most and for that, he put her up on a pedestal. She wasn’t someone he pined over, no, but to say that she didn’t cross his mind every so often would be a lie.
He didn’t fall for her back in Burbank, not really. She was the safest place to hide and he definitely noticed her absence. Maybe he did have something for her, something that was lying benign because he was never in the position to act on it. Whatever it was, it was going to stay put.
That was, until she noticed him.
word count: 1552
rating: i used 'shit' once twice
summary: sometimes you're (un)fortunate enough to run into something you can't run away from
Despite however long it’s been - one year, ten months, and twelve days, to be exact, but he’s vowed not to keep count, decidedly settling on roughly two years - he could still pick her out from anywhere. The countless number of people crowded around the Louvre at this hour of the day was little more than a nuisance; he would bet anything that the woman that caught his eye was her. His memory wasn’t the best, by far, but when it came to her, his memory was anything but bad.
Then again who could blame him? It felt almost like Sarah Walker, by design, was unforgettable.
So there he was, in the middle of Paris on a Wednesday afternoon, nearly gawking at the first person he’s seen from his past in roughly two years. And, as if by some cruel twist of fate, the only person that truly mattered to him at this point.
His transformation had been nearly instantaneous - there with little objection from his ex-wife, the obligations to his hospital were taken care of, and everyone else he knew was fed a bullshit story he never bothered to ask about. Everything he knew vanished from existence. In the time it took to drive to LAX in rush hour, he went from Devon Woodcomb, husband, son, and renowned surgeon, to Matthew Harding, recently single, estranged to his family, and new head of the HR department at a wine distributer.
To their credit, the CIA was good to those who protected their agendas. As it turns out, keeping a government secret that threatened national security earned you points with the government but puts you in the negative with the people you were supposed to keep it from.
It was by complete accident that he found out. He’d made some lasagna for lunch on his day off and he caught a glimpse of someone just entering Chuck and Sarah’s apartment, so he went to ask whichever one of them was home if they wanted to join him. The door was opened a crack and no one answered when he knocked so he planned to come back later with leftovers. He couldn’t be certain, but had he closed the door sooner, it’s possible that things would be different today.
The elaborate plans set out to kidnap Chuck for the greater good were reluctantly disclosed to him, through Sarah’s insistence. He was always closer to her, they’ve gotten along remarkably despite not talking very often. He had always been a good judge of character and his gut had told him Sarah, spy or not, was genuine from day one. He always vouched for her, and he could only guess that was the reason why she insisted he hear everything instead of just the bit he overheard where she would be the terrorist that kidnaps her own fiancé.
When shit hit the fan a bit too early, Chuck and Ellie took his nondisclosure personally - a betrayal of sorts. Suddenly, he was the one who was untrustworthy because, even if he never kept a secret about anything else, keeping a secret about something of this proportion, that changes everything, was too much to be forgiven.
It probably didn’t help his case when he kept defending Sarah every time Ellie brought up how she kept stomping over Chuck’s too-easily-gained trust. Sarah was his friend. He wouldn’t let her get dragged through the mud because Ellie only got half of the details, it wasn’t fair. He may have been a simple guy but he did know that things weren’t always black and white. And this, more than ever, was definitely one of those grey areas.
Through that ordeal, he and Sarah found solace in each other. For the rough few months that came after everything went to hell, they spent nearly every day together doing something, anything. When it became unbearable at home, he could always count on her to go out on a run with him or get some ice cream somewhere. On the worst nights, they would indulge an In and Out run. She could always take him away from his less than welcoming reality. It was easy to talk to her, she had the ability put his mind as ease even if she wasn’t feeling as well, herself. She never turned him away when he needed her, something he found he took for granted when he left his old life.
He realized that the last time he’s seen her was in the parking lot at the beach, the night before he flew out. He confided in her that he couldn’t take it anymore. The woman he loved seemed more keen to fight with him than not, he was unwelcome at home, and it was taking its toll. He used up every last ounce he had. She simply nodded and gave him a reassuring touch. When he was done with his plea, she said okay and that was that. The next thing he knew, he had a ticket to France on the red-eye the next day and reassurance that everything was taken care of from the agent that picked him up.
Reality suddenly jolted back when a tourist taking a picture bumps into him from behind; the little flash back he had drew him away from his present surroundings. He was certain he looked like a fool standing in the middle of the area, staring off into the distance. He checked his watch for the time. It was a quarter past one which meant he had been standing there for a little under ten minutes and, more importantly, that he was going to be late for the projection meeting he had planned for today.
His eyes had yet to leave her. Across all the people running about, he kept his gaze on her. He couldn’t help but wonder about how she’d been, what happened after he left. He wanted to thank her. No one told him explicitly that Sarah was the one who organized his leave but it wasn’t like it could be anyone else. Despite missing some things from his old life, he was more grateful for this opportunity. He wasn’t under witness protection or anything like that, just a new person. He could talk to whomever he chose about whatever he wanted. In a sense, she gave him the reset button he asked for.
There was a moment of hesitation when he called his secretary. For a second, he contemplated between simply calling it off rather than telling her he was running late. As the phone rang, he brushed the idea off almost as quick as it came.
He had no clue what she was doing there, or who she was anymore. Wishful thinking said that she was still his safety net, rational thought told him two years was a long time. He, himself, was more than enough proof of how much someone could change in that amount of time.
He kept his hair slightly longer than before, his once blonde hair was now a warm, chocolate brown. His closetful of scrubs was now a closetful of suits. Urgent phone calls were about interoffice dilemmas that didn’t concern actual life or death. He wasn’t careless about his endeavors with women but he also wasn’t prudent. Instead of squeezing in workouts, he had time to do proper ones at the gym. He adjusted to a nine-to-five job better than he expected and he actually liked his job.
In all honesty, it wasn’t terribly hard to forget about his life as Devon and Matt Harding had a good ring to it. He fell into his new life so easily, it nearly scared him. It was almost as if he’d been wanting a new life before all the problems began. The pang of guilt that used to gut him began to fade after the first year. He came to terms with changing and that was the end of that.
And if he could change that much in that little of time, it was only logical to believe that Sarah could just as well.
When he left, she was still engaged to Chuck; had they not gotten married since then, it’d be a surprise to him. No matter the situation, they always worked it out - the one that broke him and Ellie, included. Chuck was head over heels for Sarah. Despite his shortcomings when it came to her, he did truly love her and Sarah deserved at least that much.
In his eyes, she had everything she needed, so she didn’t need him. There was no use in throwing firewood onto a fire that never started. On top of that, he was certain he romanticized everything. Sarah had helped him when he needed it the most and for that, he put her up on a pedestal. She wasn’t someone he pined over, no, but to say that she didn’t cross his mind every so often would be a lie.
He didn’t fall for her back in Burbank, not really. She was the safest place to hide and he definitely noticed her absence. Maybe he did have something for her, something that was lying benign because he was never in the position to act on it. Whatever it was, it was going to stay put.
That was, until she noticed him.