Fucking trees
O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree,
You give us so much dick.
O Christmas Tree
from the Christmas Song Generator.
This morning my landlord, who I nicknamed Fried Chicken because his name sounds like "Fried Chicken" if you say it with a lisp, entered my apartment without giving anyone notice. This thrilled me, considering that I was asleep, and I don't sleep fully clothed. The faint knock at the door woke me up (thank god). In my I-just-woke-up-I-don't-know-where-I-am daze, I figured that someone had signed for the package I was expecting and decided they were full of energy and wanted to bring it upstairs. This seemed logical to me, even though I now realize that the other tenants of this building are not my personal mail carriers. Anyway, I managed to get my pajama pants around my knees before I heard the door open. I didn't have time to throw on a bra, so I went into the hallway wearing a flimsy shirt with my arms crossed over my chest wondering who the fuck just came into my apartment.
And there was half-baked Fried Chicken, looking around my living room. Ta da! He was obviously not anticipating that I would be home, because he began his conversation with me by introducing himself, "Hello... I'm Fried Chicken... Your landlord... What's your name?"
My mistake for thinking that the interview process for rentees was over two years ago when I signed my first lease. An entirely unannounced entrance at 10 am is a perfectly rational time to be getting to know your tenants, duh.
He continued on to say that there was a tree missing and that was why he entered my apartment. I don't make this shit up... A tree was missing. Was he expecting to come in and discover that we had stolen a tree and planted it on our fucking hardwood floors? Even if he thought that we would take a tree out of the ground, drag it up three flights of stairs, and stash it away in our apartment like some deranged Easter egg hunt... What would entering our apartment when no one was home accomplish? I guess he wanted to consult our futon in the case of the missing tree.
I contacted our building manager because she said she wanted to be notified of any issues. She said it "would not happen again." Ugh.
To make matters worse, when I was standing in the hallway feeling awkward and uncomfortable I lost a fucking contact lense. Fuck you Fried Chicken.