please don't go
please don't go
pg-13
every morning, jonghyun wakes up with tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat. it's the build up, he knows. it's the truth, because it's never enough. eight hours, ten hours, twelve. all the time in the world could never be enough, because they'll never have it. because he'll never have it, and it wasn't supposed to be this way.
the truth gives way to sobs. big, loud and ugly, exactly the ones he never wanted him to see. he never wanted anyone to see them, and even though the others joke about the way that he cries they never say anything about it, never even look each other in the eye when they can hear his screams, imagine the way he's fisting the clean, white bed sheets and hoping that maybe it will bring something back.
he'll get out of bed and stare out the window. he'll watch the way that the leaves sway in the breeze, or the way that the rain hits the window, a steady rhythm. everything's moving on. everything's changing, and he smiles when they ask him if he's alright, when they tell him it's going to be okay.
i don't know what you're talking about, he'll say. and he'll poor himself a bowl of cereal, give a smile and ignore the way that kibum can't look at him, the way that taemin and minho look at each other like there's a secret between them.
and jinki just smiles. he always smiles, because he looks the best that way. he always did.
❖
jinki was always the clumsy one. in everything that he did, he seemed unsure. wavering ever so slightly, even from the very beginning. their first interviews were full of awkward silences, of tiny giggles and shaking hands, because none of them knew what they were getting themselves into.
the first time he tripped on stage they just laughed it off, the same when his voice cracked during a performance. it made him more endearing. adorable, and even earned its own name. onew sangtae, the fans would say. no matter what he does, it’s the onew sangtae.
❖
“how are you doing, hm?” the question is light, fingers playing with the hairs at the back of his neck, and it brings a smile to his lips. he reaches forward then, grasps the fabric of jinki’s shirt, pulls him closer, tighter against him, because he needs to feel this. he needs to feel that this is real, that it’s not a dream.
“how do you think i’m doing?” the question is sarcastic, but even so it pulls a laugh from jinki’s lips. a laugh that sounds like perfection, like heaven and everything he could have ever wanted. it’s nearly too much, but at the same time it’s not enough, and he suddenly wishes he had more to say. suddenly wishes he were funnier, so he could hear that laugh stretch on for hours. for an eternity.
“you’re strong, jonghyun. i know you are.” those words send the warmth through him almost immediately, warmth accompanied by a rush of panic, and he holds on tight, grips jinki’s shirt so tightly that his knuckles turn white.
❖
loving jonghyun was no exception.
the first time they ever really came anywhere close to touching, it was awkward. jonghyun was all seriousness, looking at jinki with an expression that he hoped could convey his emotions, reaching forward to grab his hands and lace their fingers. onew had giggled, had blushed and looked towards the ground, tried to take a playful step backwards. and he had run into something, hit his elbow against the wall, caused both of them to fall into peals of laughter.
jonghyun loved every inch of him. he loved his laugh, loved his smile, loved the way that he looked whenever he was singing. and if there was one person on this earth that he loved hearing more than himself, it was jinki.
❖
“you can’t keep doing this to yourself, you know.” jinki’s voice is soft, nothing but innocent thoughtfulness as he picks at the grass they’re sitting on, ignores the way that jonghyun stares at him. he doesn’t want to do this. he doesn’t want to have to do this, but both of them know that they don’t have a choice. there isn’t another way, and nobody can stay here forever. not unless they want to disappear, unless they’re willing to give up eternity.
“i don’t know what you’re talking about.” jonghyun’s always been stubborn, and he isn’t about to stop now. not when he knows he’ll never get it back if he lets it go now. not when he knows that this is the only real chance he has at happiness, and he doesn’t miss the way that jinki won’t look at him. the way that he thinks he might be a little less tangible today than yesterday. and he opens his mouth to speak, but jonghyun is faster.
he claims those lips quickly, and he kisses jinki hard and fast, wants to feel as much of him as he can. and he tries to pretend like he doesn’t feel the way that jinki trembles against him, tries not to focus on the hands clinging to his back, because he knows that he’s not ready to let go yet.
“just a little more,” he whispers. “please…”
❖
the day he fell down the stairs, he scared them all to death. until then, it had been a joke. something to use when they were teasing him, something to laugh about, something for jonghyun to whisper and giggle over at three in the morning when it was dark and he couldn't sleep.
that was the day that he realized how fragile jinki was. all of them. and he was just thankful it hadn't been anything worse. just a few broken teeth, nothing to worry about. broken teeth, you can fix. but it still killed him to see jinki like that, to watch the tears fall even as he smiled, as he tried to reassure them that he was okay.
and jonghyun can’t help but wonder if it would have been the same that night, had he been there. he wonders if jinki would have smiled through the tears, through the pain. if he would have told him not to worry. it’s okay, he can almost hear him saying. it’s okay. it’s just the sangtae, right?
❖
“the others are worried about you, you know.” jonghyun doesn’t say anything, doesn’t look up even though he can feel jinki’s eyes on him. because he doesn’t like this conversation. He doesn’t like the direction that it’s going, doesn’t like the way that he can hear breaks in jinki’s voice, the kinds of breaks that only ever come when he’s nervous. when he’s about to say something that he doesn’t want to say, when he dreads the outcome.
“they’re fine. there’s no reason for them to worry. i’m fine, too.” jinki says nothing, and suddenly the panic is coming back all over again. he opens his mouth to speak, but, for once, jinki gets there faster.
“you’re not fine, jonghyun.” it’s a tone that jonghyun can’t bring himself to argue with, but not because it’s stern. it’s because jinki’s voice is shaking, because, when he looks at him, he can see the tears. “you’re broken. i can see it. everyone can see it. and i’m not helping … i’m not fixing you.”
he knows what’s coming. he knows it is, knows that it has to be because of the burning in his chest, because of the way that it feels like he’s being ripped apart. it’s not fair. it never was, because he doesn’t belong here. neither of them do. “you can’t,” he says, doesn’t even care how pathetic he sounds, doesn’t care when his voice breaks. “you can’t go like this.” jinki reaches forward to touch him, but jonghyun doesn’t feel it. it’s been too long, too much has changed, and the universe is no longer on his side.
he does break, then. he shatters into a thousand different pieces, but as much as he wants to, jinki can’t pick them up. he’s too far gone, and it’s time. now or never, and he can’t risk eternity. he can’t, because if he gives that up, then he’ll never have happiness. neither of them will.
“i’m sorry,” he whispers, brushes a kiss to jonghyun’s forehead.
❖
every morning, jonghyun wakes up with tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat. it's the build up, he knows. it's the truth, but after that, the lump is gone. the tears are gone, and the others don’t expect it when he shuffles into the living room, when he rummages around in the cabinets for a bowl. taemin and minho are at it again, their usual silent exchanges, and taemin whispers something about the screams, because they’ve all become so used to it by now that the silence is almost worse.
kibum is the first to dare to get closer, to even really look at him. and when he does, jonghyun smiles. a smile that reaches his eyes, that shines like the way that he used to. it’s okay, he says, and kibum nods, but only because he wants to believe. He repeats the words, tests them out on his tongue, because he’s tested them out so many times without ever really tasting them.
it’s okay. it’s okay.
and that’s precisely what he tells the paramedics just a month later, the only thing he’s coherent enough to think, to say. and it’s ironic, really. ironic because he never wanted to die. even as much as he was hurting, even through the screams and the sobs and the pain, he never wanted to die, never wanted to leave. but now that he doesn’t have a choice, it doesn’t seem so bad. he doesn’t even feel guilty letting himself go, letting himself slip away even as someone is desperately telling him to hold on. he doesn’t need to hold on. he doesn’t have to.
the last thing he remembers is the smell of smoke, the sight of twisted metal and blood. And when he wakes up, it’s gone. it’s perfection.
and jinki just smiles. he always smiles, because he looks the best that way. he always did.
so this is an older fic i wrote and posted in an old personal journal of mine, but i like it and i wanted to keep it here as well :3 angst, inspired by jinki and jonghyun's please don't go
pg-13
every morning, jonghyun wakes up with tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat. it's the build up, he knows. it's the truth, because it's never enough. eight hours, ten hours, twelve. all the time in the world could never be enough, because they'll never have it. because he'll never have it, and it wasn't supposed to be this way.
the truth gives way to sobs. big, loud and ugly, exactly the ones he never wanted him to see. he never wanted anyone to see them, and even though the others joke about the way that he cries they never say anything about it, never even look each other in the eye when they can hear his screams, imagine the way he's fisting the clean, white bed sheets and hoping that maybe it will bring something back.
he'll get out of bed and stare out the window. he'll watch the way that the leaves sway in the breeze, or the way that the rain hits the window, a steady rhythm. everything's moving on. everything's changing, and he smiles when they ask him if he's alright, when they tell him it's going to be okay.
i don't know what you're talking about, he'll say. and he'll poor himself a bowl of cereal, give a smile and ignore the way that kibum can't look at him, the way that taemin and minho look at each other like there's a secret between them.
and jinki just smiles. he always smiles, because he looks the best that way. he always did.
❖
jinki was always the clumsy one. in everything that he did, he seemed unsure. wavering ever so slightly, even from the very beginning. their first interviews were full of awkward silences, of tiny giggles and shaking hands, because none of them knew what they were getting themselves into.
the first time he tripped on stage they just laughed it off, the same when his voice cracked during a performance. it made him more endearing. adorable, and even earned its own name. onew sangtae, the fans would say. no matter what he does, it’s the onew sangtae.
❖
“how are you doing, hm?” the question is light, fingers playing with the hairs at the back of his neck, and it brings a smile to his lips. he reaches forward then, grasps the fabric of jinki’s shirt, pulls him closer, tighter against him, because he needs to feel this. he needs to feel that this is real, that it’s not a dream.
“how do you think i’m doing?” the question is sarcastic, but even so it pulls a laugh from jinki’s lips. a laugh that sounds like perfection, like heaven and everything he could have ever wanted. it’s nearly too much, but at the same time it’s not enough, and he suddenly wishes he had more to say. suddenly wishes he were funnier, so he could hear that laugh stretch on for hours. for an eternity.
“you’re strong, jonghyun. i know you are.” those words send the warmth through him almost immediately, warmth accompanied by a rush of panic, and he holds on tight, grips jinki’s shirt so tightly that his knuckles turn white.
❖
loving jonghyun was no exception.
the first time they ever really came anywhere close to touching, it was awkward. jonghyun was all seriousness, looking at jinki with an expression that he hoped could convey his emotions, reaching forward to grab his hands and lace their fingers. onew had giggled, had blushed and looked towards the ground, tried to take a playful step backwards. and he had run into something, hit his elbow against the wall, caused both of them to fall into peals of laughter.
jonghyun loved every inch of him. he loved his laugh, loved his smile, loved the way that he looked whenever he was singing. and if there was one person on this earth that he loved hearing more than himself, it was jinki.
❖
“you can’t keep doing this to yourself, you know.” jinki’s voice is soft, nothing but innocent thoughtfulness as he picks at the grass they’re sitting on, ignores the way that jonghyun stares at him. he doesn’t want to do this. he doesn’t want to have to do this, but both of them know that they don’t have a choice. there isn’t another way, and nobody can stay here forever. not unless they want to disappear, unless they’re willing to give up eternity.
“i don’t know what you’re talking about.” jonghyun’s always been stubborn, and he isn’t about to stop now. not when he knows he’ll never get it back if he lets it go now. not when he knows that this is the only real chance he has at happiness, and he doesn’t miss the way that jinki won’t look at him. the way that he thinks he might be a little less tangible today than yesterday. and he opens his mouth to speak, but jonghyun is faster.
he claims those lips quickly, and he kisses jinki hard and fast, wants to feel as much of him as he can. and he tries to pretend like he doesn’t feel the way that jinki trembles against him, tries not to focus on the hands clinging to his back, because he knows that he’s not ready to let go yet.
“just a little more,” he whispers. “please…”
❖
the day he fell down the stairs, he scared them all to death. until then, it had been a joke. something to use when they were teasing him, something to laugh about, something for jonghyun to whisper and giggle over at three in the morning when it was dark and he couldn't sleep.
that was the day that he realized how fragile jinki was. all of them. and he was just thankful it hadn't been anything worse. just a few broken teeth, nothing to worry about. broken teeth, you can fix. but it still killed him to see jinki like that, to watch the tears fall even as he smiled, as he tried to reassure them that he was okay.
and jonghyun can’t help but wonder if it would have been the same that night, had he been there. he wonders if jinki would have smiled through the tears, through the pain. if he would have told him not to worry. it’s okay, he can almost hear him saying. it’s okay. it’s just the sangtae, right?
❖
“the others are worried about you, you know.” jonghyun doesn’t say anything, doesn’t look up even though he can feel jinki’s eyes on him. because he doesn’t like this conversation. He doesn’t like the direction that it’s going, doesn’t like the way that he can hear breaks in jinki’s voice, the kinds of breaks that only ever come when he’s nervous. when he’s about to say something that he doesn’t want to say, when he dreads the outcome.
“they’re fine. there’s no reason for them to worry. i’m fine, too.” jinki says nothing, and suddenly the panic is coming back all over again. he opens his mouth to speak, but, for once, jinki gets there faster.
“you’re not fine, jonghyun.” it’s a tone that jonghyun can’t bring himself to argue with, but not because it’s stern. it’s because jinki’s voice is shaking, because, when he looks at him, he can see the tears. “you’re broken. i can see it. everyone can see it. and i’m not helping … i’m not fixing you.”
he knows what’s coming. he knows it is, knows that it has to be because of the burning in his chest, because of the way that it feels like he’s being ripped apart. it’s not fair. it never was, because he doesn’t belong here. neither of them do. “you can’t,” he says, doesn’t even care how pathetic he sounds, doesn’t care when his voice breaks. “you can’t go like this.” jinki reaches forward to touch him, but jonghyun doesn’t feel it. it’s been too long, too much has changed, and the universe is no longer on his side.
he does break, then. he shatters into a thousand different pieces, but as much as he wants to, jinki can’t pick them up. he’s too far gone, and it’s time. now or never, and he can’t risk eternity. he can’t, because if he gives that up, then he’ll never have happiness. neither of them will.
“i’m sorry,” he whispers, brushes a kiss to jonghyun’s forehead.
❖
every morning, jonghyun wakes up with tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat. it's the build up, he knows. it's the truth, but after that, the lump is gone. the tears are gone, and the others don’t expect it when he shuffles into the living room, when he rummages around in the cabinets for a bowl. taemin and minho are at it again, their usual silent exchanges, and taemin whispers something about the screams, because they’ve all become so used to it by now that the silence is almost worse.
kibum is the first to dare to get closer, to even really look at him. and when he does, jonghyun smiles. a smile that reaches his eyes, that shines like the way that he used to. it’s okay, he says, and kibum nods, but only because he wants to believe. He repeats the words, tests them out on his tongue, because he’s tested them out so many times without ever really tasting them.
it’s okay. it’s okay.
and that’s precisely what he tells the paramedics just a month later, the only thing he’s coherent enough to think, to say. and it’s ironic, really. ironic because he never wanted to die. even as much as he was hurting, even through the screams and the sobs and the pain, he never wanted to die, never wanted to leave. but now that he doesn’t have a choice, it doesn’t seem so bad. he doesn’t even feel guilty letting himself go, letting himself slip away even as someone is desperately telling him to hold on. he doesn’t need to hold on. he doesn’t have to.
the last thing he remembers is the smell of smoke, the sight of twisted metal and blood. And when he wakes up, it’s gone. it’s perfection.
and jinki just smiles. he always smiles, because he looks the best that way. he always did.
so this is an older fic i wrote and posted in an old personal journal of mine, but i like it and i wanted to keep it here as well :3 angst, inspired by jinki and jonghyun's please don't go