Man! I feel like a woman (1/3)

Nov 10, 2009 22:47

Title: Man! I feel like a woman
Chapter: 1/3
Characters: DBSK-centric, SHINee, Super Junior
Genre: Humour/crack
Pairings: Jaejoong x everyone
Rating: PG-13 (rating may change)



Junsu wakes up early one morning groaning, stomach in absolute agony like never before, and proceeds to voice his complaints rather vocally. Yoochun rushes in, naked and wet, having jumped straight out from the shower after hearing a loud shriek from the next door bedroom; Yunho comes in, baseball bat in hand for any would-be stalker-cum-rapist (it’s happened before but that was all Jaejoong’s fault); Jaejoong snowballs into the room, hair pinned back, in full matron mode. His face is covered in flour (Yoochun smiles dreamily, mmn, pancakes; Yunho resists the urge to dust it off) and his apron is splattered with the stuff. The pile of blankets that is Junsu gives another loud groan and shudders.

“I’m in so much pain,” it squeaks.

“Junsu-yah, was it something you ate? I told you, 3-seconds! You can’t eat food that’s been dropped if it’s been more than 3 seconds!” chides Jaejoong.

“Junsu, when did it start?” asks Yunho.

A sniff.

“This morning, I woke up and it was horrible. My stomach feels like it’s breaking apart and I’ve lost control of my bladder-”

Yoochun gags.

“-And my voice, something’s wrong with my voice.”

Jaejoong looks as if he’s about to say something, then stops and sniffs the air. The other two follow, sniffing the air before Yoochun realizes just how stupid they look and stops. Yunho however, continues to sniff (even though he has no idea what it is), following Jaejoong’s lead. Jaejoong’s eyes grow wide in recognition and he rushes out of the room without a word.

“Yah, Kim Jaejoong!” cries Yoochun, swinging his fist after his soulmate, “Don’t leave Junsu like this!”

“Hyung left?” whimpers the pile before breaking into sobs, “He left when I’m in utter agony? When I could be dying?!”

Yunho pales.

“Now, now, I’m sure it’s not that serious.”

“Yeah, I don’t think SM covers funeral fees so we’d have to pay and you know how cheap Yunho-hyung is,” drawls Changmin from where he’s been watching in the doorway. Junsu breaks into a loud wail and Changmin chuckles sadistically before getting knocked to one side as Jaejoong re-enters, a large stack of paper towels in hand.

“Get out, get out!” Jaejoong waves his hands imperiously and Yunho nods meekly before grabbing Yoochun (“Seriously, put some clothes on now.” “Eeew, hyung, is that a dried sea-cucumber I see between your legs?” “Fuck you!”) and Changmin.

Jaejoong sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Now I’m going to need to take these blankets off you Junsu-ah, ok?”

The pile makes a noise of consent and Jaejoong takes a deep breath.

“Ok.”

He peels back the layers gently and his brain goes on overload trying to process what he’s seeing.

“Hyung…What’s wrong with me? Do you have panadol?”

Jaejoong holds up the stack of paper towels and shakes his head. His entire thought process is kinda messed up right now.

“Junsu-ah,” he starts, throat dry, “On the bright side, you’re not sick and no, you didn’t wet your bed.”

Junsu looks immensely relieved.

“On the downside…You’ve got your period. And…It looks pretty heavy.”

Silence. In the kitchen the other three await Jaejoong’s diagnosis and the ear-splitting scream that reverberates through the house is a definite oh shit. They rush back into Junsu and Changmin’s shared room to see a bloodstained bed and a pale-faced Jaejoong who is furiously scrubbing up all the blood.

“Where’s Junsu?!” demands Yoochun, eyes flying between the mess on the bed and the discarded blankets. Jaejoong points mutely to the bathroom. Yoochun is there before he knows it, pounding on the door.

“Junsu, what’s going on? Junsu, yah, open up!”

There’s a sniff and the door opens slightly and Junsu’s teary eye is peering out at him. Yoochun softens.

“Junsu-yah, you ok? We saw all that blood and Jae is pretty shaken.”

Junsu shakes his head-not okay. The hand holding the door trembles a little and Yoochun pushes slowly, Junsu letting him push until the door is fully open. Junsu is standing, clothed in one of Jaejoong’s oversized shirts and shorts, looking stressed and bewildered. There’s a beanie on his head-also Jaejoong’s judging by the skull. But even the baggiest of Jaejoong’s shirts does nothing to hide the curves of his chest nor the beanie in hiding the long strands of hair threatening to escape. Yunho and Changmin arrive at that point and Yunho’s jaw drops. Jaejoong pushes it back up and pats him on the back.

“Oh God,” says Changmin, “You had surgery?!”

Jaejoong one-touches him on the head, hard.

Later, as they are all gathered around the dining table (and Junsu has taken panadol to ease her cramps), they start to discuss what to do.

“Obviously this is just temporary, I mean, it has to be temporary, who ever heard of a guy turning into a girl overnight?” says Yunho, self-reassuringly.

“Who ever heard of a guy turning into a girl overnight, period?” asks Changmin. Junsu lets out a little sob and Jaejoong one-touches him again. Yoochun rubs small circles into Junsu’s back.

“So maybe this was an accident? You know, some weird mess-up in his DNA!” cried Yunho, grasping at straws.

“You think I’m a *hic* accident?!” cries Junsu and begins to tear. Jaejoong glares at Yunho who immediately starts apologizing.

“So,” says Changmin after Yunho has apologized a thousand times and made Junsu a cup of hot chocolate, “Who wants to go buy the pads? Because we can’t keep using tissue to stuff his pants forever you know.”

Yoochun chokes on his coffee and Jaejoong rushes off to do laundry he’s forgotten to do. Yunho looks like the human replica of The Scream. Changmin raises an eyebrow.

“Well, I’m sure we’ll find a way.”

“Remind me again why we’re doing this?” whispers Jonghyun, pulling his cap further down over his eyes.

“Because Yoochun-hyung said it was an emergency since his brother’s-girlfriend’s-auntie’s-cousin thrice-removed, lived way out and had no access to sanitary items,” replied Kibum matter of factly.

They hurry along the isles and Kibum winces as Jinki trips and falls into the large display of Durex. Taemin pirouettes and leaps over (Kibum coos with pride) their leader as Minho, pretends he doesn’t know them.

“Found them!” hisses Kibum and grabs Jonghyun into the isle. It’s empty, thankfully, as is the rest of the convenience store.

“I want to go home, it’s six in the morning and I was up late watching re-runs of You’re Beautiful,” whines Jonghyun. Kibum gives him a look and shoves various packets into his arms. Jonghyun looks horrified. The next isle over, Taemin is grabbing multiple boxes of choco-pies and jelly babies before passing them to Minho, who is carrying a basket filled with sugary treats. Jinki is still trying to get the condoms off his fingers (“Kibum, help meee”).

“I don’t get what the difference between ‘winged’ and ‘non-winged’ is! Why are they all different colours?! Why do I have to hold them!” rants Jonghyun. Kibum pins him with a look.

“Because, moron, it depends on how heavy the flow is ok? The flow.” Kibum draws out this last word.

“What’s that?” asks Jinki, having escaped the deadly boxes of double-ribbed Durex. Kibum gives a (rather scary, in Jinki’s opinion) grin.

Later, as they ride towards DBSK’s apartment in their van, Jinki is still in catatonic shock and Jonghyun is still shuddering.

“Period,” whispers Kibum, and Jonghyun feels physically sick. At the back of the van Taemin is asleep, head buried beneath Minho’s neck, oblivious to the varying mental states of his hyung’s. Minho prays this never happens to them, because he seriously did not sign on for all this shit.

Later that day SM declares that Junsu has swine-flu.

A/N: This was supposed to be a short thing but it grew and grew.....Into this. Super Junior and SHINee will appear in the next chapter. So it's going to be three parts since it's grown massively from what I planned 8D. Comments are love!

dbsk, man! i feel like a woman, fic

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