I got my swim trunks, and my flippy floppies

Nov 29, 2012 01:51

Title:I got my swim trunks, and my flippy floppie
Author clubotaku
Pairing: Minor Chen/Suho, Chen/Tao, Sehun/Luhan, voyeuristic Kris
Characters: Chen-centric, OT12
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Humour
Summary: Inspired by The Lonely Island's hilarious "I'm on a Boat" MV. Chen needs more love


“Hey guys” said Jongdae, “Free boat ride for four! Jongin’s birthday party.”

“Who the fuck stuck that invite in the cereal?” asked Kris, halfway through his morning beauty regime. Jongdae took a second to admire the way the man still managed to look intimidating with ‘mother-of-pearl’ essence wiped all over his face and smelling like Victoria’s Secret (not that he’d ever been in there before).

“Probably Chanyeol… Last time I almost choked on the ‘mystery gift’ he hid in the yogurt,” said Minseok, nursing a large cup of coffee. He scowled, thinking of the tiny squid toy. Lack of sleep made his face even rounder, so round Jongdae resisted the urge to pinch his cheek and coo.

“Good idea hyung, spiking it with blue dye. At least we finally confirmed it was him, the retard. Seriously, Kyungsoo has a month’s worth of fat-free yogurt in their fridge; I don’t see why he has to come steal ours!” Kris raised one white eyebrow in acknowledgement.

“Mango tango is king,” said Yixing, staring soullessly into his increasingly soggy Weetbix.

Their supply of mango yogurt had been decreasing at a suspicious rate while a certain Sociology student’s visits had been increasing. Kris had finally cracked when he realized there wasn’t enough to make his organic fruit masks, and had inserted blue dye, pipette drop by pipette drop into the middle of the yogurt. Chanyeol had ended up with an electric blue smile that lasted a week and ridicule that lasted a month.

“Let’s see who should I pick…”

“Why do you get to pick who gets to go?” asked Minseok, “Shouldn’t we all go?”

“The invite is addressed to moi,” said Jongdae, flapping it in front of the other boy, “So suck it.”

“Like you sucked Joonmyun’s”

“That was a dare! We were playing King’s Cup, I was drunk and Sehun is a voyeuristic bitch.”

Kris snorted and Yixing may have blinked. Jongdae couldn’t tell.

“Anyways,” he continued, flipping Minseok off, “I choose Yixing”

Yixing was now staring soulfully at his spoon.

“Kris hyung”

Kris smiled, satisfied. All he was missing was a fat, white Persian on his lap that he could stroke.

“Aaaaaaaand,”

Minseok looked at Jongdae expectantly.

“Tao!”

Minseok gaped.

“What! But-but-he can’t even speak Korean properly! How’s he going to keep up with the others when they’re drunk?”

Upon hearing his name, the youngest member of their apartment perked up, straightening so his head was above the table (Kris maintained that they were poor students and there weren’t enough chairs for the table so the youngest was forced to sit on the floor-Jongdae thinks Kris is just cheap and hoarding his Canadian cash to spend on facial products).

“Yes? You say me?”

“See!” Minseok pointed at him, “He still can’t form basic sentences!”

“Majority rules,” said Jongdae, shaking his head.

“What majority?”

“The Chinese majority obviously! After all, there are three Chinese to us two Koreans and since it’s my invite, I choose to side with the majority.”

“Dude, that’s so unfair! We’ve been housemates since 1st year! Who saved you from possibly child slavery in China?!”

To be fair, Jongdae’s mandarin had improved since then, but a stranger in Guangzhou had offered him a lot of candy. Jongdae peered across the table at Tao, who was sitting cross-legged in his panda print pajamas, muttering in Mandarin to Kris, pointing occasionally at the Sudoku. The dark circles beneath his eyes did nothing to stop the daily comparisons to his favourite animal and now, as Jongdae stared, the maknae yawned, one hand rubbing his eyes sleepily. He blinked a few times and smiled at the other boy innocently, cocking his head to one side.

“Yes oppa?”

Aasdlfjhskjnepopohqsjfhbwaqsh say it again said Jongdae’s mind.

“He still calls us oppa,” said Minseok, “It’s been a year and he still hasn’t learnt.”

“Yeah well,” said Jongdae, “Yixing’s Korean isn’t fluent either. You wouldn’t help me teach him how to pick up!”

“You were telling him that ‘I’d like to suck your popsicle’ meant ‘Your beauty blinds me’. He’s trying to pick up girls, not guys.”

Jongdae shrugged.

“He would’ve believed it if you’d tried to convince him too!”

“Yixing is stoned, not stupid,” said Kris, finishing his Sudoku with a flourish. Tao nodded seriously.

“Yes, Yixing oppa stoned, not stupid.”

Minseok groaned and threw his hands up in frustration, choosing to flick his Honey Stars at Jongdae. Jongdae didn’t bother to retaliate-he too busy staring at the spider that just crawled into Yixing’s mouth.

“Aww shit, get your towels ready, it’s about to go down!” screamed Jongin, clad only in his swim trunks. A bottle of champagne was open in one hand, an empty bottle in the other. “Everybody in the place hit the fucking deck, but stay on your motherfucking toes!  I’m running this, let’s go!”

“He’s drunk isn’t he?” said Jongdae to no-one in particular.

Next to him Kyungsoo nodded fearfully and scurried off to pull Jongin away from the edge of the boat, narrowly missing being concussed.

“Kim Jongin!” squawked Joonmyun, looking every inch the gay sailor he pretended he wasn’t, “Get down from there!”

“How come you get to be co-Captain hyung?” Chanyeol was trying hard not to slur his words, using Yixing as a prop to hold him up. In the background Sehun was trying to catch fish using Baekhyun’s toes and Jongin was screaming something about the rum.

Kris flicked a stray hair away from his well-trimmed eyebrows.

“Because I’m the Boss.” He strode off to help-or rather, watch-Joonmyun steer.

“Hyung is so cool.” Love hearts were pretty much coming out of the Chanyeol’s eyes as he watched Kris’s retreating back. “You know, I heard he even knows Key from Seoul University. The Key.”

“I heard his artwork is featured in galleries around the world but under a different name so we won’t find out. He’s so modest!” gushed Baekhyun. He and Chanyeol squealed.

Jongdae was pretty sure Kris would use a different name to display his ‘art’. Few words could describe it really. The first time he sneaked a peek at the piles of paper stuffed beneath the other’s vanity cabinet it had taken him three hours and multiple google searches to figure out the squiggly shapes made a monkey. Maybe Jongdae didn’t appreciate art enough, or maybe Kris was just really crap at drawing. Not that Kris knew he’d seen his ‘masterpieces’. Either way, the only galleries that would host the other’s drawings would be the local kindergarten down the road.

“I can flyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” screamed Chanyeol, pirate coat flapping wildly in the wind, “Fly with me Baekhyunie!”

Kyungsoo looked like he was about to have a heart attack. Jongdae had another drink.

A couple drinks later found Jongdae taking selca upon selca with Jongin and Sehun, who had somehow acquired a nautical themed pashmina afghan.

“Taemin-hyung is going to be so jealous,” cackled Jongin, making sure they got a good view of the boat in the background.

“Tag Miseok-hyung, tag him, tag him!” The champagne was making him hyper, like little crackle-pop pixies were dancing in his stomach.

“We’re drinking Santana champ ‘cause it’s so crisp!” Jongin seemed convinced yelling at the picture meant Minseok could hear it.

ldquo;Tag him, tag hiiiim,” Jongdae whined, bouncing on his rather comfy seat, “Oh hey Yixing, didn’t see you there.”

Yixing nodded, rolling out from beneath his ass and flopping down on a sun-chair.

“Everything is so bright,” he mumbled. Baekhyun started stripping him.

“You got your swim trunks?”

The Chinese boy pointed at his pineapple printed trunks. “And my flippy floppies.”

In his periphery Jongdae noticed Tao, sitting cross-legged on the roof, having an intense conversation with a seagull.  It was better not to ask.

“More Santana Tao Tao?”

The other nodded solemnly, reaching out one hand for the bottle, too focused on his interspecies conversation.

“Seagull-shi, champagne?”

The bird squawked. Tao turned his hooded eyes to face Jongdae, as if searching deep within his soul, touching him, touching him right there. Jongdae moaned. Tao looked a little scared, but pointed at the sea.

“Chanyeol-hyung riding dolphin.”

“Huh?”

He turned to look.

“I’M RIDING ON A DOLPHIN!” screamed Chanyeol, waving as it jumped past the boat. The smile on his face was manic to say the least… Last time he had that smile Joonmyun had lost his eyebrows and Minseok had lost all his underwear.

“Ohmygodohmygodohmygod,” Baekhyun was beginning to hyperventilate. Jongdae quietly threw his bottle overboard. “It’s doing flips and shit!”

He cackled as a hapless Kyungsoo got soaked as the dolphin and its’ psychopathic rider started clapping. Silently, Yixing handed the other a towel and wiped the sea foam from his nose…No wait that was powder…

“Oh God, this is not parent-approved! Park Chanyeol get off that dolphin!” cried Joonmyun from above, “I’m pretty sure this constitutes as animal abuse!”

“Under the sea, under the sea,” crowed Chanyeol between flips.

“Darling it’s better, down where it’s wetter,” Baekhyun made a rude gesture here, “Take it from me!”

“Fuck trees I climb buoys motherfucker!” The now naked birthday boy straddled an orange buoy, sacred bits covered by the large cone.

“No!” screamed Joonmyun, looking torn between steering and throttling someone. “Park Chanyeol, Kim Jongin! Get back on board!”

Up above the Captain’s deck Tao had turned into the seagull whisperer and was now holding court. From what he could hear and see, it seemed likely Yixing was going to be sacrificed sometime soon. Tao was holding a conch shell, refusing to pass it to any of the other birds, waving it around. Next to Joonmyun, Kyungsoo popped in the Advil and was using the rest of the rum to wash it down.

Jongdae decided it would be quieter indoors.

“Hey Sehun WHAT THE, ARE YOU FUCKING A MERMAID?!”

Said mermaid… Merman waved. Wow, thought Jongdae, his hair is really… Sparkly. Shiny. Legolas of the Sea. Or something.

“Hey hyung,” grunted Sehun between thrusts, each one squelching louder than the last.

Jongdae screamed as a shape moved in a darkened corner.

“What the hell hyung, I almost died!”

He chose to overlook the bulge in Kris’s pristine white pants.

“Get in or get out.” Kris turned back to watch the two on the bed.

“Um.”

“Luhan,” gasped Sehun, “I’m close!” His breathing grew ragged, thrusts more frantic.

Honestly it was like a train wreck, terrible to watch but impossible to tear your eyes away from. Kris’s full attention was on the bed and Jongdae didn’t know whether to look or stay or maybe he’d been sniffing Yixing’s powder all this time. Each movement was accompanied by moans-say, the merman has a really pretty voice- and slick noises that sounded like stepping in mud, and slapping. Lots of slapping.

He couldn’t quite figure out where Sehun was sticking it nor did he want to know, choosing to stare at the ceiling as Luhan let out a melodious scream, Sehun collapsing in a wet sweaty heap on top. In his sordid corner of depravity and lust, Kris seemed to be having trouble breathing.

“Hey hyung,” Jongdae couldn’t resist, “I didn’t know you were into bestiality. That explains the alpaca.”

The bottle of lotion only just missed his head.

“Seriously, you gotta believe me when I say Sehun fucked a mermaid!”

Minseok’s eyebrow could not possibly be raised any higher. Slowly he dragged the coffee away from Jongdae, patting his hand sympathetically.

“You’ve been around Tao too long. I caught him talking to a crow earlier.”

“He’s the bird whisperer,” hissed Jongdae, “Don’t offend him or they’ll get us all.”

“Luhan doesn’t look like a mermaid though,” Minseok ignored him.

Said person waved on the other side of the table, seated between Sehun and Kris, who alternated between sending death glares to Jongdae and stroking his alpaca toy.

“Oh but I am!” he chirped, sending a wave of sunshine and sea-breeze, “The Prince of the Ocean gave me temporary permission to meet my one true love!”

Jongdae approved the diplomacy of not specifying just who was his one true love, since he was pretty sure that was Kim Jongin’s head surreptitiously bobbing up and down the front of Luhan’s pants.

“He speaks the truth,” intoned Yixing, “I talked to the crab-he has permission.”

“You know, I think I’m happy I didn’t go,” said Minseok, now on the other side of the room, “Make sure you visit Joonmyun in the hospital later. That dolphin slapped him pretty hard.”

“Jongdae-shi has a pretty voice,” said Luhan, turning his googly eyes to face Jongdae, “Shall we sing the song of the sea together?”

Jongdae would later claim a voice in his head compelled him to agree. Minseok would later claim he wasn’t the one who recommended him for Alcoholics Anonymous.

A/N: Idek what this is but The Lonely Island's album has been on repeat and this is what comes of it.
I have a new appreciation for Chen after SMTOWN, seriously, his voice omg. They should release an official version of 'Open Arms'... I would pay good money. His cheekbones <3

Need to get back to '500 years of Solitude' aigoo...

exo, crack, fic

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