Changes (turn the face of strange) pt.2

[clubotaku]

Title: Changes (turn the face of strange)
Rating: PG15
Summary: DBSK undergo some…developments in their DNA. The world is officially screwed.
Genre: Crack
Pairings: A few (:P)

A/N-Thanks to all who reviewed last time, here is the second and final part!

Their performance of Purple Line was extremely awkward, as Changmin was supposedly “off-sick”, Jaejoong was wearing baggy clothes (the chest binder didn’t really help), and Yoochun was in a car for the whole song to prevent any hip rolling. Everyone let out a sigh of relief as they trudged (or in Changmin’s case, slid) back into the changing room.
“Well, that wasn’t so bad,” said Junsu.
“Yeah, Yunho hyung only went a metre underground after jumping through the stage,” said Yoochun.
Yunho nodded.
“Yeah, and Jaejoong’s pheromones only made the normal fans into fanatics…”
They all shuddered at the realization their fanatics were so far gone, that Jaejoong’s pheromones had no effect at all.
“Can someone please help me? I’m blind here,” said Changmin. They all turned to look at the fish bowl he’d been placed in. The water was inky black and Changmin was nowhere to be seen.
“AHAHA YOU INKED YOURSELF!!!” cried Junsu, clutching his stomach as Yoochun held onto a pillar to stop him shaking with laughter.
“Shut up hyung! I read your mind, I know you wet your bed last night!”
Junsu gasped in shock.
Yunho gave the invisible Changmin a sympathetic look and emptied the bowl carefully in the sink. Two large bulbous eyes blinked and a small “thank you” was heard before Yunho doused him in water. Changmin groaned.
“Hyung, stop thinking about Jaejoong! I don’t need these mental images.”
“Everyone,” their manager burst through the door looking flustered, “We’re taking a break.”
“Yes!” Yoochun and Jaejoong pumped their fists. Junsu whooped and daydreamed about playing his new games. Yunho sighed in relief and sat down on a chair.
“Until we’re back to normal hyung?”
Their manager nodded.
“Yes…but you’re not allowed to go out in the day in case something happens…and you’ll have curfew at night. 10 and no later.”
“What?”
“What are we going to do! We don’t even know how long we’ll be like this!”
“Hyung, we might go mental! And eat each other or become inbred mutants!” cried Junsu. Everyone stared. Changmin coug-gurgled.
“Hyung, we’re not female.” A pause as everyone’s gaze shifted to Jaejoong. “Well, I doubt he can become pregnant anyway. Yes Jaejoong, we all know you want children, stop thinking and worrying about it!”
“I’m pretty sure he can,” said Yoochun quietly, putting his hands up in defense as they glared.
“You’ll have weekly checks at the hospital to see how you’re getting…hopefully the side-effects of that takoyaki will wear off soon.”
“What about the fans? They’ll want to know what’s going on,” said Yunho.
“Yeah! Have you forgotten they camp outside our apartment! And the one who wouldn’t stop pacing outside until she talked to Jaejoong! And the ones who somehow stole my underwear, then mailed it back to me with their pictures sewn on! It was on my crotch!” cried Junsu.
Their manager coughed.
“Ah….we’ve taken care of that. In fact, it should all be going according to plan right now.”
~At the DBSK apartment~
“Aish, I can’t believe we have to do this!” cried HeeChul as he ran into the van, one hand securing his wig, the other securing his mask.
“Yeah, neither can I,”  said Kibum, “I don’t look anything like Yoochun hyung.”
“Do I look like Junsu?!” shrieked HeeChul when they were all safely inside and speeding down the motorway, “Do I look like my butt’s been inflated and stuffed with marshmallows!? NO! I don’t think so!”
Han Kyung broke into a rapid mixture of Chinese and Korean as he tried to calm HeeChul down, then gave up and sat back down.
“He can’t even speak Korean properly!! How is he Yunho!?”
“Hyung,” said Yeh Sung, adjusting his new brown wig, “They seemed to believe I was Jaejoong. And when he’s not about to have a heart attack Han Kyung speaks fine.”
“Calm down, I’m sure they’ll come back soon, “said Kyu Hyun as he peered out of the curtains, “And I think we lost the fans.”
“I mean seriously, why did they feel the need to go on a yoga retreat?! Since when has Yoochun wanted to ‘find his inner peace’?!”
Ki Bum scratched his chin thoughtfully.
“That’s true…I’m surprised Junsu was excited about meditating. He’s usually so hyper.”
“Yeah, and Changmin wanting to eat vegetarian food? He loves meat!” said Kyu Hyun.
“Jaejoong said he wanted to live a life free of restraints and the pressure of being an idol, in a bare room with no furnishings. I think he’s going to die,” said Yeh Sung, “Or he’s lost it.”
“I think it’s all a big lie so they can go on holiday somewhere again!” said HeeChul.
“I think it’s just a lie,” said HanKyung but nobody was listening. He shrugged. Oh well. Kyu Hyun drew back from the curtains and yanked them shut.
“Crap, they’re back again! Masks on!”
A small light blinked from beneath Yeh Sungs’s ass. Ki Bum blinked.
“Crap…someone snuck a tracker on Yeh Sung. Get it off!”
“YAAAAH!” HeeChul launched himself at the helpless YehSung.
“Stop clawing my butt!”
~Back with DBSK~
“Oh that’s fine then,” said Yunho happily, “I’m sure they’ll have no problems.”
“A yoga retreat?” said Changmin, “That’s as bad as saying Yoochun’s off to become a monk in some mountain in Vienna to practice celibacy.”
Their manager didn’t look them in the eye. Silence.
“Ah.”
“Anyways, we’ll leave in a few minutes when the signal comes so get ready. Remember, once we’re back in the apartment, no going out until 8. Don’t get into trouble.”
~One week later~
“Hyung I’m booored,” whined Junsu as he beat the boss for the thirtieth time in a row.
“Speak for yourself,” said Changmin in his new tank, complete with pineapple house and rubber duckie (courtesy of Yoochun, the pineapple was from Jaejoong). He bobbed up and down, before boredom overcame him and he began to count the bubbles from the filter.
“One bubble, two bubble, three bubble…muahaha, all my bubbles!”
Junsu squinted over into the workroom. A mountain of paper had amassed on the piano, the floor, the walls….and somewhere in there was Yoochun. He’d written songs about being trapped, being bored, the monotony of life, being friends with an octopus, being bored, being a super hero, being horny, being bored…At least management couldn’t say they hadn’t been productive. Jaejoong and Yunho had gone out to buy groceries in the disguise of a husband and wife from the countryside (Junsu had laughed for ages at Yunho’s  bushy beard and the pillows Jaejoong had stuffed around his waist; where his manager had found that disgusting mustard floral print dress he’d never know) about an hour ago and he was getting hungry. The front door was flung open rather violently as Jaejoong stormed into the house, tearing off the dress and pillows (Yoochun came out of the workroom immediately to stare) as Yunho followed closely behind, soothing words and gestures.
“That jerk! That rude son of a ricecake!” cried Jaejoong.
“Jae…calm down, the neighbours might here. We’re supposed to be inTibet.”
“Calm down!? Calm down?! That asshole called me fat! I’m not fat!”
Yunho looked unimpressed.
“Jae, you were wearing three bolster pillows beneath your dress. That’s the whole point, we’re in disguise.”
“Oh yeah…well….I didn’t like that pig either! Calling me fat when he’s like a globe, smelling like rotten kimchi and looking like HeeChul in the morning! GAH!”
Jaejoong stormed into his bedroom and slammed the door. Yunho sighed.
“What happened hyung?” asked Changming, glancing between the leader and the bubbles. Ooh, bubbles. Pretty.
“So guys bumped into us in the supermarket, cut in front of Jae as we were paying, Jae told them off and as you’ve just heard they retaliated.”
“Hyung, you should’ve punched them through a wall,” said Yoochun, shaking his head, “It would’ve been awesome!”
“We’re in disguise! We’re not supposed to get into trouble! We’re not even supposed to be in Korea!” said Yunho.
“But hyung, I need to go to the sea, my subjects need me! I hear them calling, calling…calling…”Junsu trailed off and stared wistfully into the distance. Changmin snorted. Yunho ignored him and turned on the TV. He flicked from channel to channel and settled on the evening news.
“The news? Geez hyung…you’re such an old man.” Yoochun plopped down on the couch and sprawled out yawning.
“A number of hostesses have been going missing from various clubs around Seoul…It is suspected members of the underground are involved….missing at 3am…no bodies so far…27…suspects seen near port…”
“Aish, even the news is bad,” muttered Yunho, “I’m going to go see if Jae has calmed down.”
Junsu’s eyes were fixed to the screen.
“Hyung! That’s it!”
“That’s what Junsu?” asked Yunho as he adjusted his mask. Didn’t want to get affected by Jaejoong’s pheromones too much.
“Let’s investigate! Like those kids on that weird Japanese drama where two have a gay vibe going on and one’s an angsty twelve year old!”
“In case you don’t remember, we’re not allowed out before 7 and after 10,” came the snarky voice from the fishtank, “And Yoochun hyung’s more likely to cause a disaster.” Yoochun pouted.
“Hey!”
“Junsu, we can’t afford to get into trouble and reveal ourselves. Changmin’s right, you’ll have to find another way to cure your boredom. Try cooking.”
“I’m too young and fertile to die!” cried Yoochun from the couch. Junsu kicked him off.
“Like I said, find something else to do. I’m not going to risk ourselves getting in danger and I’m sure Jaejoong would agree with me.
~10 minutes later~
“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” said Yunho as he gripped the steering wheel, “If we get caught we’re going to be in so much trouble with management. I don’t know how you convinced me.”
“I do,” said Yoochun and grinned at Jaejoong who flipped his hair and winked. Yunho blushed.
“Where are we going again? You were watching more than I was.” Junsu pointed to the left.
“Yeah, left hyung. According to the news the suspects were seen hanging around an old warehouse near the port…Erm, I think they said it had a corrugated roof, there!”
Yunho jerked in surprise, sending the van swinging violently to the left and into an alley.
“Geez Yunho, I think I got whiplash,” groaned Yoochun.
“Shh, there are people there! I’m turning the lights off…”
Yunho flicked the lights off and they all clustered at the window to have a look (except Changmin who bobbed forgotten in his smaller (more portable) bowl.
“Holy crap, there’s so many of them! Wait, there’s another car!” hissed Yoochun.
“A hostess! Two!” cried Junsu as the men dragged out two limp bodies.
“Are they dead?! Oh God, we’re in so much crap!” said Jaejoong as he pressed his face closer. The car drove away and the girls were dragged inside. One of them opened her eyes and started thrashing about but a cloth was quickly put over her face and she stopped.
“Looks like they’re using something to knock them out…what is it called…damn, I swear it was on CSI the other day,” said Yoochun, “Oh well, nevermind. Operation R.O.D.D commence!”
“R.O.D.D?” said Changmin, “How lame are you?”
Yoochun poked him with a stick.
“Ow!”
“It stands for Recover our Damsel in Distress you squid. So shut up and let me plan!”
“I thought Yunho was the leader,” muttered Changmin.
“Right, so here’s how it’s going to go…”

“Help! Can anybody help little old me? I’m oh so very lost and can’t find my way home.”
The gang members looked up to see a woman tottering around outside, dressed in a tight one strap, fire-engine red with fake diamond embellished dress. They shared a look.
“Get her.”
The band watched as the men approached Jaejoong swiftly.
“His acting is crap,” said Junsu.
“Yeah but his body is sexy,” said Yoochun.
“That is so wrong coming from you hyung,” said Changmin, “Am I the only straight one?”
As usual, he was ignored.
“Good, Yunho’s getting the girls out the back,” said Changmin from his position on the windowsill. They turned to see Yunho leading some dazed and hungry girls into another van.
“Jaejoong should be starting to, oh, yeah, he has.”
The ring of men suddenly fell upon each other hungrily.
“Jesus that is disgusting,” Yoochun grimaced. Jaejoong didn’t look too happy either being right near the action. He gave a look of utter disgust as one man pinned another against a wall.
“And here we thought he could only attract people to himself. Seems not,” said Changmin.
“I really don’t want to see gangsters sucking face with each other,” whined Junsu, “Get out there now Yoochun!”
“With pleasure,” said Yoochun and unbuckled his seatbelt (they were all very good, law-abiding citizens). He strutted up towards the group and Jaejoong sighed in relief as he tottered away unsteadily on his high heels. Yoochun sung to get himself into the mood.
“Nothing comes close but you’re a choosey lover, yeaah, sexy lady UH!”
He thrust his hips downwards. The ground shook and a crack snaked its way towards the warehouse, which shook for a second before disappearing into the ground.
“Choose me baby UH!” Another violent hip thrust. A large boulder burst out of the ground and into the row of cars.
“Really wanna touch myself, YEAH BABY!” He slid his body up and down, making a slick wave as he motioned towards his crotch. Changmin sighed. The gangsters cried out in surprise as they found themselves buried in dirt.
“Yunho hyung, they’ve got backup!” cried Changmin….not that Yunho could hear him. Yunho however, didn’t seem to have any problems. As a car aimed its headlights and accelerated straight at him, Yunho grinned and cracked his knuckles. The car collided with him…and flipped over into the sea.
“YAAAAAAAAH!” Yunho jumped into the fray as men approached him with metal bats and knives.
“They’ve got guns!” squealed Junsu and he and Jaejoong leapt out of the van. Junsu squealed a high pitched squeal and made clicking noises. Jaejoong screamed and released a wave of pheromones. The men dropped their guns…and fell upon each other once more.
“Oh that is disgusting,” said Changmin.
“DRINK SODIUM CHLORIDE SCUM!”
Junsu rode the tidal wave like he owned it. Which, he kind of did. The wave grew and gained momentum as it came closer to the land and as Jaejoong sprinted away, releasing his hold on the gangsters they stared in terror as the wave and dolphins fell upon them in one gigantic squealing frenzy. Yunho pulled Jaejoong inside the van as Junsu yelled in triumph as his wave swept them away.
“COWABUNGA!!! I’m Lord of the Rings…the Coral Rings! AHAHAHAHA!”
“That was bad.” Yunho winced.
“When he comes back, I’m going to squirt ink in his face. Just for fun,” said Changmin. Jaejoong cooed.
“Aww, poor Min is bored in his little bowl. Poor baby.”
Changmin glared.
“Actually, I saved all your asses. Hyung. Before we left I managed to reset the clocks an hour late so manger hyung only thinks its 9:30. I also squirted ink all over the place so we have a valid excuse for leaving together-getting me some medicine to control my inking problem. Not to mention I just called the police. So Junsu hyung better get back soon before we get in trouble.”
The other three stared.
“Oh.”
“Su, come on, we got to leave! Police are coming!” called Yoochun. Junsu nodded as he talked quickly with the dolphins, before rubbing noses and running back.
“I’ve been invited to a wedding, isn’t that cool!”
“……”
~The next day~
“The missing hostesses have now been found; they drove themselves to a police station after being rescued by three mysterious people…”
The picture flashed to a hostess.
“There was a bearded man with a thick country accent, another hostess who was dressed in the brightest red dress I’ve ever seen and seemed to have trouble walking…And a guy in a mask who created an earthquake! The bearded man was so strong; he punched his way through the walls! And the hostess did something, then all the gangsters began an orgy, it was so disgusting!”
The newsreader reappeared.
“Yes, the other hostesses have confirmed the story is true, but the warehouse is now half buried so it is hard to get evidence. A large amount of water was found in the area suggesting it could’ve been the fault of an extremely big wave, not strange as typhoons have been increasing in the area. As for these three mysterious heroes, the police are looking out for them.”
“I was part of it!” cried Junsu unhappily.
“I don’t even care anymore,” said Changmin and went back to watching the news. Their manager sat down opposite them.
“I don’t even want to ask you what you were really doing last night. But I have some good news.”
They all looked up expectantly.
“The tests say the remnants of the takoyaki should be gone by next week. Which means you’ll be back to normal!”
~One week later~
Jaejoong stared at his reflection sadly.
“I kind of miss being a girl. I had curves.”
“You still do,” said Yunho, running his hands down his hips and waist. Jaejoong purred.
“Yeah, but being able to control pheromones was fun.”
“I can’t talk to my friends anymore! I’m not King of the Sea!” Junsu pouted and beat his hands and feet on the couch.
“I’m kinda glad I can’t cause earthquakes. I wouldn’t be able to do another hip thrust again,” said Yoochun.
“Yeah…this makes it easier for all of us. Though I will miss being able to bench press cars,” said Yunho, and smiled.
“Min’s taking a long time with the doctor, do you think he’s ok?” said Yoochun. They all turned to face the door. It’d been three hours since he’d gone in (still an octopus).
“Yeah, he’s the only one who hasn’t changed back yet. I changed back last night,” said Jaejoong and grinned knowingly at Yunho who broke into a hacking cough.
“I looked like an idiot talking to fish in the restaurant this afternoon!” said Junsu, “They didn’t even believe me!”
“You really think so?” said Yoochun sarcastically and Junsu whacked him.
The door opened and they turned excitedly to see the doctor emerge.
“I have some good and bad news.”
“Bad news?! Oh God, don’t say he’s died! I needed to tell him I never really hated him! I didn’t even cook his favourite stew! I never told him I actually hated his Han Ga In underwear!” Jaejoong looked like he was on the verge of hysteria.
“No….The good news is that he’s reverted.”
“Oh thank God,” said Yunho.
“The bad news is that-”
Changmin wandered sullenly out of the door and gazed defensively up at them. Identical looks of shock and horror filled the members faces (and a wee bit of sadistic pleasure in Jaejoong’s).
“-He’s a chicken. It must’ve been some radioactive teriyaki.”
Changmin clicked his beak menacingly (as chickens do).
“Don’t say a word.”
A/N Edit: As usual, this is fail. Total and utter crack. Though if Jaejoong could really control pheromones the world would be doomed. It’s summer at last and the T dvd is coming out! And clips are on youtube! Yaaay! Did anyone watch their performance of Ride on? My God...those hip thrusts... Hope Yoochun gets better soon…
Han Ga In is an actress whom Changmin has a crush on…they talk about it in Star Show and somewhere else (I forget), but its’ really funny. She’s in Witch Yoo Hee.
Teriyaki: Grilled chicken
Takoyaki: Bits of octopus in dough which is fried? Grilled? I don’t know how to describe it other than delicious.