Catch Me, for arwen_lalaith, Morgan/Prentiss, Mature
Title: Catch Me
Author/Artist: defy_n_gravity
Recipient: arwen_lalaith
Pairing: Emily Prentiss/Derek Morgan
Rating: Mature
Word Count: 3337
Summary/prompt: Derek and Emily suffer a miscarriage and Emily blames herself and her past for it.
Prologue
It had been more than a year since Emily Prentiss left the FBI's Behavior Analysis Unit. It wasn't to go into politics like her mother had always hoped, and it wasn't to settle down and start a family. (At least that wasn't the original intention.) Emily would never leave a job she loved as much as she loved that job for a relationship. She was Emily Prentiss, FBI agent, and she kicked ass and knew it. Hell, she was proud of it. She was proud of the fact that she was too tough to ever just give it all up for a man. She didn't.
Except she kind of did.
The last thing she had ever expected on the day she met Derek Morgan, or in all of the following days of working so closely beside him, was to fall in love with him. Sex maybe, but not love. Derek wasn't the kind of guy a woman would fall in love with. Lust, yes. Infatuation, yeah it probably happened, but not love. And Emily wasn't the woman that would feel either of those things for him. She saw the kinds of women he went for (on occasion girls) and she was nothing like them. Not that she compared herself, because she really hadn't cared who he slept with or who he played. He was her partner and nothing more.
But she couldn't ignore that thing between them. She hadn't even known what to call it. It was something more than being co-workers and friends, but less than anything that could be labeled. It came from the way they looked at each other when they spoke, and the way they could make each other laugh. They made the other light up in a way neither had ever known, but even more there was a heat. It burned through her (and him, not that she realized it) and in the space between them physically. There was a way their bodies turned towards the other's when they spoke, and when their eyes locked it was hard to be the one to break the gaze. They worked so well together from whatever this connection was that they held, but it also got in the way.
On January 16, 2011, Emily got shot. Derek was still going through his stuff from being shot some six months before, so when she saw the glitter of a gun and noticed his back was turned, she pushed him out of the way. There wasn't an inkling of thought before the action. Nothing slowed down around her, and the moment didn't freeze. There were none of those normal cliches. She saw a gun and reacted. She hadn't really planned on taking the bullet, she just wanted Derek to not be shot again. Even though they weren't anything, she couldn't go through that again. And as she went down, the first thought that went through her was to wonder if she had done that for her partner or for a man, because in her head there was a distinction. That was all that she really had time to consider before she was hitting the pavement and blacking out. She didn't even hear the mirrored gunshot as Derek took the perp down.
When she came to, Emily felt exhausted and she ached. There was also a cloud around her. A cloud of pain meds that were attempting to work, but not really making the cut. She moaned softly and shifted in the hospital bed as she tried to remember how she had landed herself there. It took her a few moments to notice the weight against her. She opened her eyes slowly and looked down to her hand, which was wrapped up between Derek's two. His head was resting on the bed by her hip and he seemed to be asleep. A wave of relief and comfort flowed through her at the sight of him there, but she was too tired to bother with figuring out what that meant. She gave his hands a light squeeze and did her best to knock her hip into his head.
He awoke with a start and sat up, looking down on her with surprise. “Emily..” he said softly. He picked up her hand and kissed the back of it, still holding on tightly. He looked at her with so much concern and care that she had to look away. She actually wanted him to be looking at her the way he was, and that scared the shit out of her.
He continued watching her, even though she had looked away. “Are you the stupidest woman on the planet?” He asked flatly.
Right. That pissed her off. She snapped her eyes over to his and narrowed them at him. “Go to Hell,” she muttered, unable to put as much fire into her words as she wanted. She yanked her hand from his. Well with her little bit of strength it was more of a weak pull, and he didn't let her go. He simply turned her hand over and kissed her palm gently. It sent shivers up her arm and down to the pit of her stomach. She hated the way he was able to make her feel so many conflicting things at once. Her eyes fluttered shut.
“Why'd you do that?”
“Because I don't want you holding my hand and calling me names at the same time,” she replied simply.
“No. Why'd you take that bullet?”
She had to look away again from the way he was looking at her. His eyes were demanding a certain answer, she could tell. He was demanding an answer that neither of them had been prepared to address in all of the years they had known each other. She pressed her lips together for a long moment before clearing her throat. “Can you...call the nurse? I...” She paused, not wanting to admit she was in pain. She licked her lips. “And tell them I don't want morphine, okay? I'll take Tylenol, but not-”
“Stop,” he said sharply. “I just spent five days waitin' here wondering if you're gonna wake up, and hating myself for not being the one in that bed instead, and...” He looked down at their hands and massaged hers a bit as he tried to find the words to speak. “And I've been thinkin' about what I'd say to you as soon as I got the chance, because for awhile there...I didn't know...” His voice caught in his throat and he looked up at her again. She couldn't help but look back, and she couldn't pull her eyes away. There was a pained and broken look on his face that held her there every time he wore it.
She raised the hand he held towards his face, and he let her go so she could hold his cheek lightly. “You really think I'd let a piece of shit like that take me down for good?” Her joke was light with a serious tone behind it. He smiled slightly and shook his head.
“I was so scared I'd never get to...” He trailed off, but leaned in and brushed his lips over hers. “...you know...do that,” he whispered, not pulling away. Warmth soaked through her at that and she sighed. She let her lips move up to his briefly. He stayed there as he tried to summon what he had been telling himself he'd say in all of those days of waiting for her. There were several more beats of silence before he was able to murmur, “I'm crazy about you, Emily.”
Her lips turned up in a bit of a smile. “Me too,” she replied. “But...really. Can you go get the nurse and we'll do this later?”
***
***
It had been more than a year since she had left the BAU, and Emily still stood by her decision. She had tried, after getting shot, to keep going like everything was okay, but she couldn't. She was feeling more for Derek than she ever had before, and it was getting in the way of her doing her job as well as she once had. Between that and the fact that she had slightly limited movement in her left side, she made the choice to leave. She loved field work, especially what she did with the team, but she knew she wasn't as effective as she once had been. She knew she was putting the team and their cases at risk. She had tried to deny it, and ignored the offers of desk work elsewhere in the FBI, but the decision was inevitable. She preferred to make that choice on her own instead of being forced into it.
In that year she learned to still love her job, and still feel like she was doing something. She rebuilt who she had once been in the field, and applied it to what she did from behind the desk. She learned from past supervisors how to be more effective with what she was able to do, but she still wouldn't give into the politics of the job. She wasn't going to stop being Emily Prentiss.
Also in that year she and Derek grew closer. With her out of the BAU they were able to bring their new relationship out in the open, and neither had been happier. Sure, she didn't see him nearly as often as she once had, but in a way she was better with that. He wasn't always there to suffocate her in trying to take care of her, and her concern for him wasn't getting in the way of the job she needed to do.
They were living together, in love, and much more functioning and normal than they ever thought they might be. They even had a hope of their future together, because she was pregnant. It was nothing planned, but it wasn't an “accident” either. They always used protection, and she was on the pill, but things had just kinda happened one night. It involved him coming in the front door after being awake for a week, and her jumping into his arms, then him dropping his pants right there against the back of the door.
Both knew the risk, and they had stressed about it while they waited to see what was going to happen. By the time they got the confirmation they had already discussed it and had decided that they would be okay with it. When Emily gave Derek the official news he had been much more elated than he realized he would be. He was over the moon. In response to his happiness, Emily realized she was happy with it as well.
They spent weeks talking about moving into a bigger apartment, discussing her eventual maternity leave, and he even offered to take time off to be with her at the end of the pregnancy and when the baby was first home. The thought of marriage was there and in the open, but they weren't in a hurry for that part. They were happy enough just being happy together with their baby on it's way.
***
It wasn't a miscarriage in the way that most people think of one. She hadn't even realized she had miscarried. There was back pain, and a bit of cramping, but she figured the back pain was normal. She was barely out of her first trimester, and per her OB-GYN's advice they hadn't yet told anyone that she was pregnant. They were waiting until she hit her second trimester. She was going in for a standard ultrasound, and she figured she would address the cramping then. She had been worried about the cramps, but she just kept telling herself she was stressing for nothing.
Derek was with the team in South Dakota when she was lifting her feet into the stirrups. While she was jumping at the jelly being squeezed across her stomach and laughing at it, he was searching a house with Reid at his side. When she watched the concern fall over the technician’s face, Derek was meeting the unub in a stand-off. He and Reid both had their guns out and aimed, and the unsub had his aimed right back at them. While Emily closed her eyes, and tried not to think the worst when the tech said she was bringing the OB-GYN in, Derek was trying to talk their guy down. As Hotch and Rossi came up behind the unsub, their guns also drawn, Emily's doctor was trying to find a heartbeat on the monitor. And when the OB-GYN looked into her patient's eyes and told her what had happened, Derek was across the country slapping cuffs onto the bad guy and laughing with his team as they brought another case to an end.
Emily was shaking as she listened to what the next steps were. She didn't want to cry. Not there. Not in front of people.
“I think you should call your boyfriend,” the doctor said gently.
“I can't,” Emily shook her head. “He's...he's working. He can't be here.” And she didn't want to upset him when he was in the middle of a case.
“Is there anyone you can call?”
She shook her head. “I'll be fine. Let's just...do this.”
“I really think you should have someone with you.”
Emily thought about it for a bit before nodding. “Okay. Okay, I...have someone.”
***
J.J. stood beside Emily and held her hand tightly, trying to give her a reassuring smile. “You're doing fine,” she said softly.
Emily nodded and closed her eyes. She realized the procedure needed to be done, but it was just too similar to what she had experienced as a teenager. It was shadowing that event far too much. She felt a sharp pinch and squeezed onto her friend's hand, turning her head into the pillow. JJ leaned down and touched the side of Emily's face.
“Sssh, it'll be okay,” she murmured.
“No. No...it won't,” Emily said quietly, thickly.
***
JJ stayed by Emily's side all day and wouldn't leave the hospital until Emily was released. They kept her for awhile to make sure everything was okay, and released her with strict orders of bed rest. She was due for a follow-up visit in just a few days, in time for Derek to be home and take her.
She was quiet as JJ helped her into the apartment and into bed. She insisted that JJ should go home to her family, that she would be fine, but JJ wouldn't hear any of it.
“You need to call Derek,” her friend said.
“I will. Eventually.” She shifted in the bed and moved to make a space for JJ to sit beside her. “I can't...tell him this over the phone.” He had already called her to tell her he was coming home, and she wanted to just wait until then.
“He'll understand, you know. There was nothing you could have done.”
Emily shook her head and chewed on her lip, finally issuing the words that had been haunting her since the doctor told her. “It's my fault,” she said slowly and quietly.
“No it's not, why would you think that?”
“Because,” she nodded, playing the words over in her head. “Because of...things I did in my past.”
“You can't take the blame, Em. These things-”
“Don't. Don't tell me these things happen. Please.” She looked over at her friend, her eyes begging. “Please just sit here and...don't try to make me feel better.”
“Okay,” JJ nodded. She moved her arm around Emily. “I'm here.”
***
Derek sat across from her on the bed and held her hand as she spoke. He had known something was wrong as soon as he came in the door, and he was trying his hardest to just listen to her and be there without breaking. His heart ached as he listened to her words, and he was immediately hating himself for not having been there for her. Not one bit was he blaming her the way she was herself.
She explained to him what they called a missed miscarriage. She told him how rare it was and that there were hardly any symptoms to catch it. She told him, as she had been told, that it was only caught by ultrasound, and that basically the fetus had died inside of her without rupturing. He kept his eyes on her as she explained the procedure they did, even though she couldn't look at him. When she got to the part about JJ coming to help her and then fell silent, he dropped his head into her lap.
She didn't know what to do, so she just stroked the back of his head and tried to hold in the hot tears that were coming. She heard him whispering pained apologies for not being there, and for what she went through, and it only made her feel worse. She was shaking her head slowly from side to side and she finally had to pull him up to look at her.
“Stop apologizing,” she snapped. “This is my fault, okay? It's my fault and...and I'm the one who's sorry.”
“What? No.” He moved up beside her and tried to pull her into his arms, but she resisted as he argued with her. “Babygirl, it's not your fault. Don't say that.”
“You don't know!” She yanked away and pulled the blankets up around herself to keep him away. “You don't know everything about me.” She looked into her lap.
“So tell me. Tell me why this is your fault.” He was challenging her, and usually she met the challenge and challenged him back, but she just didn't have the energy.
“Because I've been pregnant before,” she whispered. She couldn't look at him anymore. She didn't want to see the reactions on his face. “When I was a teenager I got pregnant, and I aborted it.”
His face fell and he reached out for her, but thought twice about it and let his hand drop instead. “Having one abortion doesn't cause...” He didn't know what to think about what she had told him, but he wasn't going to worry about it just then. All he was going to worry about was her in that very moment. “It's not your fault.”
“It wasn't just that, okay? I've...done things. I...I had a drug problem. A bad one. I did drugs, I had a lot of sex, I had an abortion...” she shrugged and looked up at him, a blank look on her face. “Whether it's...medical or...I don't know, karma...it's because of me. We were robbed of-” She stopped. She couldn't even say the words anymore. Her voice shook and her hands came up to wipe her face. “And it's my fault.” She kept her hands over her face as the tears finally broke through and her body started to silently shake.
“Baby...” He stopped thinking and wrapped his arms around her. She didn't shove him off this time, but instead fell into him. He hugged her close and tight and kissed the top of her head. “It'll be okay. I promise.”
“I'm sorry,” she stammered out after awhile. “I know you wanted this, and...I'm sorry.”
“Don't apologize,” he murmured. “All I want is you, okay? Whatever else does or doesn't happen....we'll get through. Long as I have you.”
“I wanted this,” she finally admitted. “I wanted it so much.”
“Then we'll have it.” He pulled away a bit so he could tip her face up to him. “Hey, look at me.” She did. “We can have it. We can still have it, okay?”
“What if we can't?”
“We will. If this is what you want? I'm gonna make sure it happens,” he assured her. She closed her eyes and burred her face in his chest again, and he hugged her tight once more. “It's gonna be okay,” he nodded, his words a whisper, as tears for his lost child finally hit his cheeks. “It'll be okay.”
Author/Artist: defy_n_gravity
Recipient: arwen_lalaith
Pairing: Emily Prentiss/Derek Morgan
Rating: Mature
Word Count: 3337
Summary/prompt: Derek and Emily suffer a miscarriage and Emily blames herself and her past for it.
Prologue
It had been more than a year since Emily Prentiss left the FBI's Behavior Analysis Unit. It wasn't to go into politics like her mother had always hoped, and it wasn't to settle down and start a family. (At least that wasn't the original intention.) Emily would never leave a job she loved as much as she loved that job for a relationship. She was Emily Prentiss, FBI agent, and she kicked ass and knew it. Hell, she was proud of it. She was proud of the fact that she was too tough to ever just give it all up for a man. She didn't.
Except she kind of did.
The last thing she had ever expected on the day she met Derek Morgan, or in all of the following days of working so closely beside him, was to fall in love with him. Sex maybe, but not love. Derek wasn't the kind of guy a woman would fall in love with. Lust, yes. Infatuation, yeah it probably happened, but not love. And Emily wasn't the woman that would feel either of those things for him. She saw the kinds of women he went for (on occasion girls) and she was nothing like them. Not that she compared herself, because she really hadn't cared who he slept with or who he played. He was her partner and nothing more.
But she couldn't ignore that thing between them. She hadn't even known what to call it. It was something more than being co-workers and friends, but less than anything that could be labeled. It came from the way they looked at each other when they spoke, and the way they could make each other laugh. They made the other light up in a way neither had ever known, but even more there was a heat. It burned through her (and him, not that she realized it) and in the space between them physically. There was a way their bodies turned towards the other's when they spoke, and when their eyes locked it was hard to be the one to break the gaze. They worked so well together from whatever this connection was that they held, but it also got in the way.
On January 16, 2011, Emily got shot. Derek was still going through his stuff from being shot some six months before, so when she saw the glitter of a gun and noticed his back was turned, she pushed him out of the way. There wasn't an inkling of thought before the action. Nothing slowed down around her, and the moment didn't freeze. There were none of those normal cliches. She saw a gun and reacted. She hadn't really planned on taking the bullet, she just wanted Derek to not be shot again. Even though they weren't anything, she couldn't go through that again. And as she went down, the first thought that went through her was to wonder if she had done that for her partner or for a man, because in her head there was a distinction. That was all that she really had time to consider before she was hitting the pavement and blacking out. She didn't even hear the mirrored gunshot as Derek took the perp down.
When she came to, Emily felt exhausted and she ached. There was also a cloud around her. A cloud of pain meds that were attempting to work, but not really making the cut. She moaned softly and shifted in the hospital bed as she tried to remember how she had landed herself there. It took her a few moments to notice the weight against her. She opened her eyes slowly and looked down to her hand, which was wrapped up between Derek's two. His head was resting on the bed by her hip and he seemed to be asleep. A wave of relief and comfort flowed through her at the sight of him there, but she was too tired to bother with figuring out what that meant. She gave his hands a light squeeze and did her best to knock her hip into his head.
He awoke with a start and sat up, looking down on her with surprise. “Emily..” he said softly. He picked up her hand and kissed the back of it, still holding on tightly. He looked at her with so much concern and care that she had to look away. She actually wanted him to be looking at her the way he was, and that scared the shit out of her.
He continued watching her, even though she had looked away. “Are you the stupidest woman on the planet?” He asked flatly.
Right. That pissed her off. She snapped her eyes over to his and narrowed them at him. “Go to Hell,” she muttered, unable to put as much fire into her words as she wanted. She yanked her hand from his. Well with her little bit of strength it was more of a weak pull, and he didn't let her go. He simply turned her hand over and kissed her palm gently. It sent shivers up her arm and down to the pit of her stomach. She hated the way he was able to make her feel so many conflicting things at once. Her eyes fluttered shut.
“Why'd you do that?”
“Because I don't want you holding my hand and calling me names at the same time,” she replied simply.
“No. Why'd you take that bullet?”
She had to look away again from the way he was looking at her. His eyes were demanding a certain answer, she could tell. He was demanding an answer that neither of them had been prepared to address in all of the years they had known each other. She pressed her lips together for a long moment before clearing her throat. “Can you...call the nurse? I...” She paused, not wanting to admit she was in pain. She licked her lips. “And tell them I don't want morphine, okay? I'll take Tylenol, but not-”
“Stop,” he said sharply. “I just spent five days waitin' here wondering if you're gonna wake up, and hating myself for not being the one in that bed instead, and...” He looked down at their hands and massaged hers a bit as he tried to find the words to speak. “And I've been thinkin' about what I'd say to you as soon as I got the chance, because for awhile there...I didn't know...” His voice caught in his throat and he looked up at her again. She couldn't help but look back, and she couldn't pull her eyes away. There was a pained and broken look on his face that held her there every time he wore it.
She raised the hand he held towards his face, and he let her go so she could hold his cheek lightly. “You really think I'd let a piece of shit like that take me down for good?” Her joke was light with a serious tone behind it. He smiled slightly and shook his head.
“I was so scared I'd never get to...” He trailed off, but leaned in and brushed his lips over hers. “...you know...do that,” he whispered, not pulling away. Warmth soaked through her at that and she sighed. She let her lips move up to his briefly. He stayed there as he tried to summon what he had been telling himself he'd say in all of those days of waiting for her. There were several more beats of silence before he was able to murmur, “I'm crazy about you, Emily.”
Her lips turned up in a bit of a smile. “Me too,” she replied. “But...really. Can you go get the nurse and we'll do this later?”
***
***
It had been more than a year since she had left the BAU, and Emily still stood by her decision. She had tried, after getting shot, to keep going like everything was okay, but she couldn't. She was feeling more for Derek than she ever had before, and it was getting in the way of her doing her job as well as she once had. Between that and the fact that she had slightly limited movement in her left side, she made the choice to leave. She loved field work, especially what she did with the team, but she knew she wasn't as effective as she once had been. She knew she was putting the team and their cases at risk. She had tried to deny it, and ignored the offers of desk work elsewhere in the FBI, but the decision was inevitable. She preferred to make that choice on her own instead of being forced into it.
In that year she learned to still love her job, and still feel like she was doing something. She rebuilt who she had once been in the field, and applied it to what she did from behind the desk. She learned from past supervisors how to be more effective with what she was able to do, but she still wouldn't give into the politics of the job. She wasn't going to stop being Emily Prentiss.
Also in that year she and Derek grew closer. With her out of the BAU they were able to bring their new relationship out in the open, and neither had been happier. Sure, she didn't see him nearly as often as she once had, but in a way she was better with that. He wasn't always there to suffocate her in trying to take care of her, and her concern for him wasn't getting in the way of the job she needed to do.
They were living together, in love, and much more functioning and normal than they ever thought they might be. They even had a hope of their future together, because she was pregnant. It was nothing planned, but it wasn't an “accident” either. They always used protection, and she was on the pill, but things had just kinda happened one night. It involved him coming in the front door after being awake for a week, and her jumping into his arms, then him dropping his pants right there against the back of the door.
Both knew the risk, and they had stressed about it while they waited to see what was going to happen. By the time they got the confirmation they had already discussed it and had decided that they would be okay with it. When Emily gave Derek the official news he had been much more elated than he realized he would be. He was over the moon. In response to his happiness, Emily realized she was happy with it as well.
They spent weeks talking about moving into a bigger apartment, discussing her eventual maternity leave, and he even offered to take time off to be with her at the end of the pregnancy and when the baby was first home. The thought of marriage was there and in the open, but they weren't in a hurry for that part. They were happy enough just being happy together with their baby on it's way.
***
It wasn't a miscarriage in the way that most people think of one. She hadn't even realized she had miscarried. There was back pain, and a bit of cramping, but she figured the back pain was normal. She was barely out of her first trimester, and per her OB-GYN's advice they hadn't yet told anyone that she was pregnant. They were waiting until she hit her second trimester. She was going in for a standard ultrasound, and she figured she would address the cramping then. She had been worried about the cramps, but she just kept telling herself she was stressing for nothing.
Derek was with the team in South Dakota when she was lifting her feet into the stirrups. While she was jumping at the jelly being squeezed across her stomach and laughing at it, he was searching a house with Reid at his side. When she watched the concern fall over the technician’s face, Derek was meeting the unub in a stand-off. He and Reid both had their guns out and aimed, and the unsub had his aimed right back at them. While Emily closed her eyes, and tried not to think the worst when the tech said she was bringing the OB-GYN in, Derek was trying to talk their guy down. As Hotch and Rossi came up behind the unsub, their guns also drawn, Emily's doctor was trying to find a heartbeat on the monitor. And when the OB-GYN looked into her patient's eyes and told her what had happened, Derek was across the country slapping cuffs onto the bad guy and laughing with his team as they brought another case to an end.
Emily was shaking as she listened to what the next steps were. She didn't want to cry. Not there. Not in front of people.
“I think you should call your boyfriend,” the doctor said gently.
“I can't,” Emily shook her head. “He's...he's working. He can't be here.” And she didn't want to upset him when he was in the middle of a case.
“Is there anyone you can call?”
She shook her head. “I'll be fine. Let's just...do this.”
“I really think you should have someone with you.”
Emily thought about it for a bit before nodding. “Okay. Okay, I...have someone.”
***
J.J. stood beside Emily and held her hand tightly, trying to give her a reassuring smile. “You're doing fine,” she said softly.
Emily nodded and closed her eyes. She realized the procedure needed to be done, but it was just too similar to what she had experienced as a teenager. It was shadowing that event far too much. She felt a sharp pinch and squeezed onto her friend's hand, turning her head into the pillow. JJ leaned down and touched the side of Emily's face.
“Sssh, it'll be okay,” she murmured.
“No. No...it won't,” Emily said quietly, thickly.
***
JJ stayed by Emily's side all day and wouldn't leave the hospital until Emily was released. They kept her for awhile to make sure everything was okay, and released her with strict orders of bed rest. She was due for a follow-up visit in just a few days, in time for Derek to be home and take her.
She was quiet as JJ helped her into the apartment and into bed. She insisted that JJ should go home to her family, that she would be fine, but JJ wouldn't hear any of it.
“You need to call Derek,” her friend said.
“I will. Eventually.” She shifted in the bed and moved to make a space for JJ to sit beside her. “I can't...tell him this over the phone.” He had already called her to tell her he was coming home, and she wanted to just wait until then.
“He'll understand, you know. There was nothing you could have done.”
Emily shook her head and chewed on her lip, finally issuing the words that had been haunting her since the doctor told her. “It's my fault,” she said slowly and quietly.
“No it's not, why would you think that?”
“Because,” she nodded, playing the words over in her head. “Because of...things I did in my past.”
“You can't take the blame, Em. These things-”
“Don't. Don't tell me these things happen. Please.” She looked over at her friend, her eyes begging. “Please just sit here and...don't try to make me feel better.”
“Okay,” JJ nodded. She moved her arm around Emily. “I'm here.”
***
Derek sat across from her on the bed and held her hand as she spoke. He had known something was wrong as soon as he came in the door, and he was trying his hardest to just listen to her and be there without breaking. His heart ached as he listened to her words, and he was immediately hating himself for not having been there for her. Not one bit was he blaming her the way she was herself.
She explained to him what they called a missed miscarriage. She told him how rare it was and that there were hardly any symptoms to catch it. She told him, as she had been told, that it was only caught by ultrasound, and that basically the fetus had died inside of her without rupturing. He kept his eyes on her as she explained the procedure they did, even though she couldn't look at him. When she got to the part about JJ coming to help her and then fell silent, he dropped his head into her lap.
She didn't know what to do, so she just stroked the back of his head and tried to hold in the hot tears that were coming. She heard him whispering pained apologies for not being there, and for what she went through, and it only made her feel worse. She was shaking her head slowly from side to side and she finally had to pull him up to look at her.
“Stop apologizing,” she snapped. “This is my fault, okay? It's my fault and...and I'm the one who's sorry.”
“What? No.” He moved up beside her and tried to pull her into his arms, but she resisted as he argued with her. “Babygirl, it's not your fault. Don't say that.”
“You don't know!” She yanked away and pulled the blankets up around herself to keep him away. “You don't know everything about me.” She looked into her lap.
“So tell me. Tell me why this is your fault.” He was challenging her, and usually she met the challenge and challenged him back, but she just didn't have the energy.
“Because I've been pregnant before,” she whispered. She couldn't look at him anymore. She didn't want to see the reactions on his face. “When I was a teenager I got pregnant, and I aborted it.”
His face fell and he reached out for her, but thought twice about it and let his hand drop instead. “Having one abortion doesn't cause...” He didn't know what to think about what she had told him, but he wasn't going to worry about it just then. All he was going to worry about was her in that very moment. “It's not your fault.”
“It wasn't just that, okay? I've...done things. I...I had a drug problem. A bad one. I did drugs, I had a lot of sex, I had an abortion...” she shrugged and looked up at him, a blank look on her face. “Whether it's...medical or...I don't know, karma...it's because of me. We were robbed of-” She stopped. She couldn't even say the words anymore. Her voice shook and her hands came up to wipe her face. “And it's my fault.” She kept her hands over her face as the tears finally broke through and her body started to silently shake.
“Baby...” He stopped thinking and wrapped his arms around her. She didn't shove him off this time, but instead fell into him. He hugged her close and tight and kissed the top of her head. “It'll be okay. I promise.”
“I'm sorry,” she stammered out after awhile. “I know you wanted this, and...I'm sorry.”
“Don't apologize,” he murmured. “All I want is you, okay? Whatever else does or doesn't happen....we'll get through. Long as I have you.”
“I wanted this,” she finally admitted. “I wanted it so much.”
“Then we'll have it.” He pulled away a bit so he could tip her face up to him. “Hey, look at me.” She did. “We can have it. We can still have it, okay?”
“What if we can't?”
“We will. If this is what you want? I'm gonna make sure it happens,” he assured her. She closed her eyes and burred her face in his chest again, and he hugged her tight once more. “It's gonna be okay,” he nodded, his words a whisper, as tears for his lost child finally hit his cheeks. “It'll be okay.”