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[cnaorte]

I haven't updated this thing in forever...Oh well.

Do me a favor, Taylor, and pray for me to die.

Anyways, here's something that I wrote.

Comments

Part 1

[18bipsout]

Sorry this took me so long. Just testament to the fact that homework never actually ends.

You should know by now that I'm always watching your eyes; their two-step romance as they dart back and forth from your feet to my face and then back to your feet. [The second phrase isn't a complete sentence, so you can't use a semicolon.]

Silly girl, what's the point of hiding it? Oh well, I love it. ["It" repeats; I suggest taking out the first one.]

The leaves crunch soundly [word choice] underneath our feet, yours clad in brand new tennis shoes, mine barefoot as always. The leaves emit only one last cry as their majestic life from treetops to footsteps ended[tense shift] below us. [Also, I agree with Nicky's comments about this section.]

“They deserve better than this, you know?" My voice sticks out like a soar[sore] thumb in the midst of the serenity resonating[verb choice - when I hear "resonating" I think sound, and you want the opposite.] amongst the trees. I’m not worthy to break the silence that encases us like a child clasping

Part 2

[18bipsout]

Oh well, Darwin's rule, right? Sift out the weak. [Well, survival of the fittest... I don't know if you can use Darwin to justify killing ants, though I really liked the phrasing of "soiling the soles of your brand new tennis shoes and the bottom of my bare feet with the casualties of the ant colonies".]

I'm not positive how long we've been running, probably close to (what seems like) [Why say that? The reader knows you're not being literal.] a million years. And I'd say that's about long enough for now. I collapse onto the mossy forest floor, pulling you down next to me. Laughing, choking, wheezing. Perfect.[For what, nefarious plans?] Your cheeks are red from exhaustion (either that, or you are blushing)[I like that repetition.] and your crimson hair flows out underneath your head, as though you are floating on your back in the ocean. Your chest rises and falls, as though ocean waves grace your very flesh.[that's awkward - "ocean waves grace your very flesh

Re: Part 2

[cnaorte]

Wow, i just realized i never commented back, I really did mean to.

Yes, I do agree with you on just about everything you said. There were a few word choices and repititions that you were opposed to that i happen to like, but i believe that's just a case of personal opinion.

I do agree with the fact that i need more description in general, instead of just a few places with so much description that it becomes convoluted.

Ah, but now, after you pointed it out, that "You laugh a little bit, flick back your hair. "What in the world are you rambling about?"
I just smile back" part just drives me insane. Thanks for pointing it out.

I'll definitly take what you say into consideration when i do my next revision of this.

THANKS! ^_^