Undefeatable: The Conclusion
It starts with terrifying mother roleplay, and gets worse from there.
So Paul's just told the lustful therapist that Anna left him because she didn't want to be with him anymore. "Don't be ridiculous, sweetheart," the lustful therapist replies. She really can't turn it off, can she? "Of course I love you," she says, combing out her hair. "Of course I love you, sweetheart!" Oh, right, because every woman whose hair is darker than blonde looks just like Anna. This makes the therapist's attempts to seduce Anna even creepier, incidentally.
The fact that the therapist is wearing Anna's favorite perfume convinces Paul that it's really her, because otherwise it would just be fucked up. She tells him that she'll make him some tea and give him a nice massage, which might be difficult since they're in the director's garage/Paul's murder warehouse, and there's no tea or massage tables in sight. Paul agrees with her, and then immediately starts yelling that he'll kill her for cheating on him. He gets her bent over a table, and then he takes off his rape face and puts on his RAPE FACE, and then he says "Come on, mommy. I want to play." And then I have to stop watching for a minute so that I can look out the window and remind myself that there's sunlight and goodness somewhere in the world.
Pictured: RAPE FACE.
"Don't ever leave me, mommy. I'll be a good boy." Back to the window! "Mommy, I'll be a good boy, I promise." I CAN STILL HEAR YOU, MOVIE.
Eventually, after eleven seconds of the therapist making faces while Paul slides her jacket off, she starts banging on the table and yelling at him. "Behave yourself, or I WILL leave you! How many times have I told you to behave yourself?! How many times have I told you to clean up your room?!" Paul backs away, apologizing, while I stare open-mouthed at the screen. She tells him that if he's a good boy, and he's quiet, she'll make him some dinner. The refrigerator is empty, possibly because there's never been a refrigerator in the murder warehouse until this precise moment, so she tells him to be a good boy and wait there while his mommy goes out and gets some food. Because Paul's such a good boy, he tells her not to leave and volunteers to get it for her.
Cut to Paul tying the lustful therapist up with chains. Then cut to me making a drink, because there are still eighteen minutes left in this movie and I don't think my brain can handle all of them sober.
Why does he need a clock in his murder warehouse?
Once Paul leaves, the therapist's phone starts ringing from inside her purse a few feet away. I'm honestly curious to see how big this phone ends up being. She almost manages to grab the purse with her foot, and then the phone stops ringing, so she gives up. Maybe it only receives calls and can't dial out, so she wouldn't be able to, I don't know, CALL SOMEBODY FOR HELP. Then the phone starts ringing again, so she goes ahead and grabs it.
Reed Richards would be jealous.
The lustful therapist answers the phone with her feet. It's Kristi, calling from a pay phone, but more importantly I can't actually see the cell phone or how big it is. The therapist yells that Stingray's got her in the old warehouse on 10th and 18th street, which...is not how street numbers work. Anywhere. Kristi calls Nick from the payphone, and by "calls Nick" I mean she dials the main police line and says that she needs them to give Nick a message, because apparently Nick didn't give her his direct line. That, or the department doesn't trust him with one.
And now Kristi's at the warehouse, freeing the lustful therapist, when Paul gets back from the store. "I got everything you wanted," he says. "This is going to be great." Hear that, everybody? Paul got some other movie! Kristi's taken the lustful therapist's place in the chains, and even crazy-ass Paul realizes that something's up, but before he can do anything but stand there waiting to get kicked in the face, Kristi flips over and kicks him in the face. He flies back into a wall of empty cardboad boxes, and Kristi tells the therapist to run.
Paul's angry because the cardboard boxes look and act just like Anna.
Paul throws a couple of boxes at the ladies, who both somehow manage to knock them away but aren't quite fast enough to stop him from sweeping Kristi's leg and then kicking the therapist in the chest so hard that she breaks the wall.
Either that's some cheap set design, or this was that actress's last movie.
Apparently he's back to just thinking she's Anna, instead of mistaking her for his mother like some kind of crazy person. She and Kristi each punch him some without any noticeable effect, and then he tosses her away and starts trying to beat up Kristi. Paul's not that bad a guy. He just wants to beat the shit out of Kristi, just like everybody else in this entire movie. They end up on top of a table (sure, why not) and he knocks her off. That's why you don't fight on top of tables, Kristi. While he's distracted, the therapist manages to get to her feet behind him and, given the opportunity to attack him while he's focused on Kristi, turns and tries to run away. Paul spots her and leaps into the air after her.
He grabs her and throws her down, Kristi helps her up, and then Kristi JUMPS BACK ONTO THE TABLE. She kicks him in the face, and when his lip starts bleeding, he wipes at the blood and then licks it off his finger. If you listen closely, you can hear Bruce Lee turning over in his grave. They trade "slow-motion" punches that are just them pretending to move in slow motion, and Kristi's actress is having a visibly difficult time keeping a straight face.
I see a smiiiile...
He throws her around some, and Dragon Claws at her a couple of times. She dodges, and he ends up Dragon Clawing a bottle so hard it shatters in his hand. She lands against a pile of garbage, and...a hook sword falls off? Sure. Suuuure, movie. Sure. She takes a few swings at him, he runs away, and then he grabs a katana and swings towards her on one of the many chains dangling from the ceiling. The hook sword is stuck in the table, so Kristi takes off her jacket to distract him with her okay-ish boobs long enough to JUMP ONTO THE TABLE again and get it back. He manages to scratch her arm and they circle each other some more before squaring off for a Bride/Elle-style showdown.
I miss Bear.
After sixteen seconds spent zooming in on Kristi, they fight awkwardly for a few seconds, and then this happens:
Before things can get any more awesome, Nick and Mike burst in with their guns drawn. Paul jumps behind the table as they start shooting at him, and grabs a gun that he's got stashed there, I guess for those times when he just doesn't feel like Dragon Clawing somebody. He takes his vest off and throws it into the air, Nick and Mike shoot wildly at it, and then Paul rolls out from behind cover and shoots Mike in the neck.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY BASKETBALL TICKETS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Paul runs out while Nick keeps shooting at him, managing to hit every single metal pole in the warehouse but somehow not hitting Paul. Nick runs over to Mike, who I'm pretty sure is going to be fine.
That's the amount of blood that comes out if you get shot in the neck, right?
Nick cradles Mike in his arms, yelling at him to breathe, while Mike tries to put pressure on the wound by holding his hand against his collarbone. Kristi callously doesn't offer to put him out of his misery with the hook sword.
In the hospital, the lusty therapist is recovering in bed when Nick and Kristi, arm in a sling, show up to visit her. I see where this is going, and it's hot. Kristi's got a cooler, which she gestures to as she tells the lusty therapist that she brought her some chicken soup. I hope the entire cooler is just full of chicken soup, to the brim. It's worth noting that while all three of them have lost someone close recently, possibly even all this afternoon, none of them seem particularly upset about it. Paul's still on the loose, but Nick's got an officer on the door. Because clearly Paul's been proven incapable of killing anybody he wants to.
Especially this guy.
"What about my lunch?" the cop on the door asks when Nick tells him that he wants him there twenty four hours a day. I'm looking forward to Paul's eventual Dragon Striking of him. Which I probably won't have to wait for very long, because as Nick and Kristi walk out through the lobby, Paul's standing at a water fountain, wearing a lab coat and letting the water run while holding his head about six inches above it. Oh, and smiling like a rapist, of course.
I mean, like, of COURSE.
As they walk past, Kristi tells Nick that she's going to kill Stingray, which doesn't seem like the kind of thing you should tell a cop, but what do I know? They wait for the elevator for a while, and then get bored and take the stairs. This movie is kind of like an elevator, and hanging myself is kind of like taking the stairs. In the hallway outside the lustful therapist's room, the cop that Nick left on guard looks up, grins, and asks, "What's up, doc?" The amount of Dragon Clawing he's about to sustain almost makes Paul's MEGA RAPE FACE worth seeing.
How can it be MORE rapey when half of it's covered up?
It turns out Nick forgot his sunglasses, so they have to go back upstairs, narrowly missing Paul leading the lusty therapist away. Upon seeing the empty chair outside the open door to her room, Nick declares that something's wrong. Inside, the guard is twitching on the floor in a puddle of chocolate syrup. Nick and Kristi split up to cover more ground, and then meet up five seconds later, conveniently just as Kristi spots Paul a few yards further down the hall. Despite Nick having his gun out and Kristi being close enough to nail him in the head with a shoe, the next scene is Paul leading the therapist through the basement with a huge, ridiculous knife.
Deathmatchers value practicality in their knives above all else.
"Drop the gun!" Paul orders. He doesn't have the sharp part of the knife anywhere near the therapist's throat, and Nick is aiming at him from about five feet away, but apparently has no faith in his own aim.
Did I say five feet? I meant three.
Nick very slowly puts the gun down. They're so close that Paul can actually reach out and try to pick it up, but the therapist elbows him in the stomach and kicks it away. Nick attacks him while Kristi leads the therapist to safety. Nick and Paul fight, RIDICULOUSLY, and Paul ends up cutting Nick's arms several times with the knife. He licks the chocolate syrup off the blade, they both stare at each other in complete confusion for several seconds, and then they start fighting again. Paul gets Nick in the face with a couple of "slow motion" punches, and even though the actors are really, actually moving slowly, Nick still closes his eyes and kind of flinches for several beats before Paul gently touches him on the jaw with his fist.
In retaliation, Nick tears a hole in Paul's lab coat, which makes Paul FURIOUS.
"This was my favorite lab coat, you son of a bitch!"
As if to say "You started it", Nick glares at the cuts in his shirt, and then tears it off. Not to be outdone, Paul tears his lab coat off. Shirtless, they growl at each other, and any gay men who managed to make it through the scene of Nick training now bid their homosexuality goodbye.
Nick finally manages to knock the ridiculous knife out of Paul's hands, and now it's just two incredibly sweaty, shirtless dudes grappling hand-to-hand with each other. Or, you know, woodenly pretending to grapple hand-to-hand with each other. There's a lot of high kicks, and headbutting, and sweat. Paul gets the knife back and they fight some more, and eventually he manages to get half a Dragon Claw on Nick's throat.
There hasn't been any dialogue for three minutes. Just growling. And sweating.
Kristi gets back, looks around blankly for a second, and then grabs a towel and wraps it around Paul's arm. She and Nick take turns kicking him in the stomach until he stumbles face-first into the wall and starts screaming. He pulls back with an overdone sucking sound, having just put an eye out on a random hook sticking out of the wall. Clutching his eye socket with one hand, he keeps fighting with the other one, and manages to shove Nick away. He starts punching Kristi, and tries to throw her over a washing machine; she helps by climbing up onto a chair so he doesn't have as far to move her. They fight under some kind of equipment, and then Nick runs in and kicks Paul from behind, driving his face onto a laundry hook at the end of a rope. The hook goes into his other eye, deep enough that when Nick throws a lever, Paul gets lifted up off the ground, thrashing and doing the incredibly bad acting equivalent of screaming in pain.
Apparently, this kills him. "We'll keep an eye out for you, Stingray," Kristi says, her face splattered with his blood. Nick, desperate not to be outdone, takes a few seconds and then says, "Yeah, SEE ya!" As Paul's coprse is carried away on the laundry rack, Nick pulls Kristi in for a hug. She lets him, even though she's pressing her face against something that, at this point, is now more oil than man.
At Karen's grave, Kristi tells her that they got Stingray. She tries to cry, doesn't get very far with it, and gives it up. Nick asks her if she's going to stay in the Red Dragons now that this is over, because he worries about her, "a lot". Kristi shushes him, takes off her spiked bracelets, and leaves them on top of Karen's tombstone, along with her gloves and the chain that's been hanging off her leather jacket this whole time. That stuff was all for fighting? I thought she was just terrible at accessorizing. She tearfully tells Karen's spirit that she won't be needing those anymore, and then embraces Nick. As they stand there, comforting each other beside the grave of Kristi's sister, all the other Red Dragons go "Oooooooooooh!" like the audience in a shitty 90's sitcom. "Hey Kristi!" says the extra, extra, extra dumb one. "You think...we should really...apply...to college?"
No, man, your IQs are too high, remember?
"I told you, man, our IQs are too high!" the other one says. I cradle my head in my hands.
"Go ahead and laugh," Kristi says, apparently over Karen's death. "I enrolled you guys. You all start Monday."
"What about you?" the stupid one asks.
"Not me."
"Yes, you," Nick tells her. "I enrolled you, too."
They all cheer, and then high-five each other.
Simultaneously.
Roll credits. Please, please, please, finally roll credits.
The credits, by the way, include such notable entries as:
Naked Victim
Sexy woman [sic] in Mall
Betty (Jennifer's Secretary)
Charlotte (Old Woman)
Plus five seperate reporters, which is bullshit because there were two reporters in that entire movie. The "Special Thanks To" section mentions Waples Mobile Home Park, Rick's Rice Bowl, the Coca Cola Company, and something called Relief In Sight, which...I don't want to know.
If I were Kristi, or even Nick, I would have a clever one-liner here. If I were Mike, I could look douchily at Nick and ask what the hell he was doing. If I were Stingray, I could growl a lot and spray magenta racing stripes into my mullet. Instead, I'm just a guy. A guy who just watched all of Undefeatable. A guy who's going to go cry with his bottle of vodka in one hand and his shattered dreams in the other.
...nah, just kidding. Undefeatable? More like UNREPEATABLE! Because I'm never going to watch it again.
So Paul's just told the lustful therapist that Anna left him because she didn't want to be with him anymore. "Don't be ridiculous, sweetheart," the lustful therapist replies. She really can't turn it off, can she? "Of course I love you," she says, combing out her hair. "Of course I love you, sweetheart!" Oh, right, because every woman whose hair is darker than blonde looks just like Anna. This makes the therapist's attempts to seduce Anna even creepier, incidentally.
The fact that the therapist is wearing Anna's favorite perfume convinces Paul that it's really her, because otherwise it would just be fucked up. She tells him that she'll make him some tea and give him a nice massage, which might be difficult since they're in the director's garage/Paul's murder warehouse, and there's no tea or massage tables in sight. Paul agrees with her, and then immediately starts yelling that he'll kill her for cheating on him. He gets her bent over a table, and then he takes off his rape face and puts on his RAPE FACE, and then he says "Come on, mommy. I want to play." And then I have to stop watching for a minute so that I can look out the window and remind myself that there's sunlight and goodness somewhere in the world.
Pictured: RAPE FACE.
"Don't ever leave me, mommy. I'll be a good boy." Back to the window! "Mommy, I'll be a good boy, I promise." I CAN STILL HEAR YOU, MOVIE.
Eventually, after eleven seconds of the therapist making faces while Paul slides her jacket off, she starts banging on the table and yelling at him. "Behave yourself, or I WILL leave you! How many times have I told you to behave yourself?! How many times have I told you to clean up your room?!" Paul backs away, apologizing, while I stare open-mouthed at the screen. She tells him that if he's a good boy, and he's quiet, she'll make him some dinner. The refrigerator is empty, possibly because there's never been a refrigerator in the murder warehouse until this precise moment, so she tells him to be a good boy and wait there while his mommy goes out and gets some food. Because Paul's such a good boy, he tells her not to leave and volunteers to get it for her.
Cut to Paul tying the lustful therapist up with chains. Then cut to me making a drink, because there are still eighteen minutes left in this movie and I don't think my brain can handle all of them sober.
Why does he need a clock in his murder warehouse?
Once Paul leaves, the therapist's phone starts ringing from inside her purse a few feet away. I'm honestly curious to see how big this phone ends up being. She almost manages to grab the purse with her foot, and then the phone stops ringing, so she gives up. Maybe it only receives calls and can't dial out, so she wouldn't be able to, I don't know, CALL SOMEBODY FOR HELP. Then the phone starts ringing again, so she goes ahead and grabs it.
Reed Richards would be jealous.
The lustful therapist answers the phone with her feet. It's Kristi, calling from a pay phone, but more importantly I can't actually see the cell phone or how big it is. The therapist yells that Stingray's got her in the old warehouse on 10th and 18th street, which...is not how street numbers work. Anywhere. Kristi calls Nick from the payphone, and by "calls Nick" I mean she dials the main police line and says that she needs them to give Nick a message, because apparently Nick didn't give her his direct line. That, or the department doesn't trust him with one.
And now Kristi's at the warehouse, freeing the lustful therapist, when Paul gets back from the store. "I got everything you wanted," he says. "This is going to be great." Hear that, everybody? Paul got some other movie! Kristi's taken the lustful therapist's place in the chains, and even crazy-ass Paul realizes that something's up, but before he can do anything but stand there waiting to get kicked in the face, Kristi flips over and kicks him in the face. He flies back into a wall of empty cardboad boxes, and Kristi tells the therapist to run.
Paul's angry because the cardboard boxes look and act just like Anna.
Paul throws a couple of boxes at the ladies, who both somehow manage to knock them away but aren't quite fast enough to stop him from sweeping Kristi's leg and then kicking the therapist in the chest so hard that she breaks the wall.
Either that's some cheap set design, or this was that actress's last movie.
Apparently he's back to just thinking she's Anna, instead of mistaking her for his mother like some kind of crazy person. She and Kristi each punch him some without any noticeable effect, and then he tosses her away and starts trying to beat up Kristi. Paul's not that bad a guy. He just wants to beat the shit out of Kristi, just like everybody else in this entire movie. They end up on top of a table (sure, why not) and he knocks her off. That's why you don't fight on top of tables, Kristi. While he's distracted, the therapist manages to get to her feet behind him and, given the opportunity to attack him while he's focused on Kristi, turns and tries to run away. Paul spots her and leaps into the air after her.
He grabs her and throws her down, Kristi helps her up, and then Kristi JUMPS BACK ONTO THE TABLE. She kicks him in the face, and when his lip starts bleeding, he wipes at the blood and then licks it off his finger. If you listen closely, you can hear Bruce Lee turning over in his grave. They trade "slow-motion" punches that are just them pretending to move in slow motion, and Kristi's actress is having a visibly difficult time keeping a straight face.
I see a smiiiile...
He throws her around some, and Dragon Claws at her a couple of times. She dodges, and he ends up Dragon Clawing a bottle so hard it shatters in his hand. She lands against a pile of garbage, and...a hook sword falls off? Sure. Suuuure, movie. Sure. She takes a few swings at him, he runs away, and then he grabs a katana and swings towards her on one of the many chains dangling from the ceiling. The hook sword is stuck in the table, so Kristi takes off her jacket to distract him with her okay-ish boobs long enough to JUMP ONTO THE TABLE again and get it back. He manages to scratch her arm and they circle each other some more before squaring off for a Bride/Elle-style showdown.
I miss Bear.
After sixteen seconds spent zooming in on Kristi, they fight awkwardly for a few seconds, and then this happens:
Before things can get any more awesome, Nick and Mike burst in with their guns drawn. Paul jumps behind the table as they start shooting at him, and grabs a gun that he's got stashed there, I guess for those times when he just doesn't feel like Dragon Clawing somebody. He takes his vest off and throws it into the air, Nick and Mike shoot wildly at it, and then Paul rolls out from behind cover and shoots Mike in the neck.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY BASKETBALL TICKETS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Paul runs out while Nick keeps shooting at him, managing to hit every single metal pole in the warehouse but somehow not hitting Paul. Nick runs over to Mike, who I'm pretty sure is going to be fine.
That's the amount of blood that comes out if you get shot in the neck, right?
Nick cradles Mike in his arms, yelling at him to breathe, while Mike tries to put pressure on the wound by holding his hand against his collarbone. Kristi callously doesn't offer to put him out of his misery with the hook sword.
In the hospital, the lusty therapist is recovering in bed when Nick and Kristi, arm in a sling, show up to visit her. I see where this is going, and it's hot. Kristi's got a cooler, which she gestures to as she tells the lusty therapist that she brought her some chicken soup. I hope the entire cooler is just full of chicken soup, to the brim. It's worth noting that while all three of them have lost someone close recently, possibly even all this afternoon, none of them seem particularly upset about it. Paul's still on the loose, but Nick's got an officer on the door. Because clearly Paul's been proven incapable of killing anybody he wants to.
Especially this guy.
"What about my lunch?" the cop on the door asks when Nick tells him that he wants him there twenty four hours a day. I'm looking forward to Paul's eventual Dragon Striking of him. Which I probably won't have to wait for very long, because as Nick and Kristi walk out through the lobby, Paul's standing at a water fountain, wearing a lab coat and letting the water run while holding his head about six inches above it. Oh, and smiling like a rapist, of course.
I mean, like, of COURSE.
As they walk past, Kristi tells Nick that she's going to kill Stingray, which doesn't seem like the kind of thing you should tell a cop, but what do I know? They wait for the elevator for a while, and then get bored and take the stairs. This movie is kind of like an elevator, and hanging myself is kind of like taking the stairs. In the hallway outside the lustful therapist's room, the cop that Nick left on guard looks up, grins, and asks, "What's up, doc?" The amount of Dragon Clawing he's about to sustain almost makes Paul's MEGA RAPE FACE worth seeing.
How can it be MORE rapey when half of it's covered up?
It turns out Nick forgot his sunglasses, so they have to go back upstairs, narrowly missing Paul leading the lusty therapist away. Upon seeing the empty chair outside the open door to her room, Nick declares that something's wrong. Inside, the guard is twitching on the floor in a puddle of chocolate syrup. Nick and Kristi split up to cover more ground, and then meet up five seconds later, conveniently just as Kristi spots Paul a few yards further down the hall. Despite Nick having his gun out and Kristi being close enough to nail him in the head with a shoe, the next scene is Paul leading the therapist through the basement with a huge, ridiculous knife.
Deathmatchers value practicality in their knives above all else.
"Drop the gun!" Paul orders. He doesn't have the sharp part of the knife anywhere near the therapist's throat, and Nick is aiming at him from about five feet away, but apparently has no faith in his own aim.
Did I say five feet? I meant three.
Nick very slowly puts the gun down. They're so close that Paul can actually reach out and try to pick it up, but the therapist elbows him in the stomach and kicks it away. Nick attacks him while Kristi leads the therapist to safety. Nick and Paul fight, RIDICULOUSLY, and Paul ends up cutting Nick's arms several times with the knife. He licks the chocolate syrup off the blade, they both stare at each other in complete confusion for several seconds, and then they start fighting again. Paul gets Nick in the face with a couple of "slow motion" punches, and even though the actors are really, actually moving slowly, Nick still closes his eyes and kind of flinches for several beats before Paul gently touches him on the jaw with his fist.
In retaliation, Nick tears a hole in Paul's lab coat, which makes Paul FURIOUS.
"This was my favorite lab coat, you son of a bitch!"
As if to say "You started it", Nick glares at the cuts in his shirt, and then tears it off. Not to be outdone, Paul tears his lab coat off. Shirtless, they growl at each other, and any gay men who managed to make it through the scene of Nick training now bid their homosexuality goodbye.
Nick finally manages to knock the ridiculous knife out of Paul's hands, and now it's just two incredibly sweaty, shirtless dudes grappling hand-to-hand with each other. Or, you know, woodenly pretending to grapple hand-to-hand with each other. There's a lot of high kicks, and headbutting, and sweat. Paul gets the knife back and they fight some more, and eventually he manages to get half a Dragon Claw on Nick's throat.
There hasn't been any dialogue for three minutes. Just growling. And sweating.
Kristi gets back, looks around blankly for a second, and then grabs a towel and wraps it around Paul's arm. She and Nick take turns kicking him in the stomach until he stumbles face-first into the wall and starts screaming. He pulls back with an overdone sucking sound, having just put an eye out on a random hook sticking out of the wall. Clutching his eye socket with one hand, he keeps fighting with the other one, and manages to shove Nick away. He starts punching Kristi, and tries to throw her over a washing machine; she helps by climbing up onto a chair so he doesn't have as far to move her. They fight under some kind of equipment, and then Nick runs in and kicks Paul from behind, driving his face onto a laundry hook at the end of a rope. The hook goes into his other eye, deep enough that when Nick throws a lever, Paul gets lifted up off the ground, thrashing and doing the incredibly bad acting equivalent of screaming in pain.
Apparently, this kills him. "We'll keep an eye out for you, Stingray," Kristi says, her face splattered with his blood. Nick, desperate not to be outdone, takes a few seconds and then says, "Yeah, SEE ya!" As Paul's coprse is carried away on the laundry rack, Nick pulls Kristi in for a hug. She lets him, even though she's pressing her face against something that, at this point, is now more oil than man.
At Karen's grave, Kristi tells her that they got Stingray. She tries to cry, doesn't get very far with it, and gives it up. Nick asks her if she's going to stay in the Red Dragons now that this is over, because he worries about her, "a lot". Kristi shushes him, takes off her spiked bracelets, and leaves them on top of Karen's tombstone, along with her gloves and the chain that's been hanging off her leather jacket this whole time. That stuff was all for fighting? I thought she was just terrible at accessorizing. She tearfully tells Karen's spirit that she won't be needing those anymore, and then embraces Nick. As they stand there, comforting each other beside the grave of Kristi's sister, all the other Red Dragons go "Oooooooooooh!" like the audience in a shitty 90's sitcom. "Hey Kristi!" says the extra, extra, extra dumb one. "You think...we should really...apply...to college?"
No, man, your IQs are too high, remember?
"I told you, man, our IQs are too high!" the other one says. I cradle my head in my hands.
"Go ahead and laugh," Kristi says, apparently over Karen's death. "I enrolled you guys. You all start Monday."
"What about you?" the stupid one asks.
"Not me."
"Yes, you," Nick tells her. "I enrolled you, too."
They all cheer, and then high-five each other.
Simultaneously.
Roll credits. Please, please, please, finally roll credits.
The credits, by the way, include such notable entries as:
Naked Victim
Sexy woman [sic] in Mall
Betty (Jennifer's Secretary)
Charlotte (Old Woman)
Plus five seperate reporters, which is bullshit because there were two reporters in that entire movie. The "Special Thanks To" section mentions Waples Mobile Home Park, Rick's Rice Bowl, the Coca Cola Company, and something called Relief In Sight, which...I don't want to know.
If I were Kristi, or even Nick, I would have a clever one-liner here. If I were Mike, I could look douchily at Nick and ask what the hell he was doing. If I were Stingray, I could growl a lot and spray magenta racing stripes into my mullet. Instead, I'm just a guy. A guy who just watched all of Undefeatable. A guy who's going to go cry with his bottle of vodka in one hand and his shattered dreams in the other.
...nah, just kidding. Undefeatable? More like UNREPEATABLE! Because I'm never going to watch it again.