Piss Off
When will it hit me, I wonder, or has it already?
It's hard to deal with this when there's so many clashing forces
I remember, in the back of my mind somewhere, I would think about it. Think about the day...the big day that the family would have to suffer... I wasn't sure how I'd react, wasn't sure what would happen. All I knew was that it was going to happen one day and I was going to have to deal with it. You would think that expecting something would lessen the feeling, would lessen the impact. No, it only makes it worse. Ironic huh...
Maybe you're not as shocked,just maybe. Either way, when it comes, it hits you in exactly the same way it would've if you never even saw it coming.
I need to finally type it out...let it out lest I drown in all my hardships.
I do not feel like typing out long stories of what's been happening in the passed several months.
Just that today, I'm immensely pissed. I'm drowned in all this hate and anger because I can't say anything as always. Im pushed down and oppressed by this idiotic family.
Tell me what the hell am I expected to do huh? JUST WHAT!? It's not my fault my sister had to be a retarded fuck and move back in AFTER she had a baby. I can't help it if I DONT LIKE BABIES! I refuse to hold that thing, it's a nuisance, it lives in my bedroom and I can't get any rest and relaxation because nooo I have to be "working". Trying to find a little comfort is just wrong because nooo I have to suffer what the family is suffering. Tell me what is this sudden interest in including me in the family. I was never "part" of the family. I was the fucking outcast. I sit around here doing nothing. I think my sister would be much happier if I wasnt even born! She can save her breath and not yell at me for apparently doing nothing. Doing nothing?
Has any fucking recognition ever been given to me before? NO! My sisters and brothers didn't want to have anything to do with me when I was little. They lived their own lives with their own friends, I was not to touch anything that was theirs just run around and do stuff for them.
Then there was my mom who got on my last nerves seeing as how ever since I was little I realized we were COMPLETE OPPOSITES.
My dad served a purpose when I was little and even when I grew up. Though, could I count on any emotional support from him or anyone in my family? NO. My dad for financial need, my mom for food and my sisters for what? Nothing. I was just there to break everything and get blamed for everything.
My mom, as incompetent as she is, never taught me to clean or cook. Of course, I learned to organize and clean in my own way, but Im horrible at cooking. I dont know how to do the laundry at all and would rather not even dare touch it, and as for dishes well hmm...I dont mind cleaning that, though I need my mom to not be around. She wants things done her -incompetent- way and if it's not done her way, you're yelled at and barked orders to do something else that's supposed to be done in 2 seconds at the same time as the other thing you were doing.
Therfore, my mom tells me to do something, I think it's bullshit in my teenage mind and ignore her. So after ignoring her constant badgering for so long and wanting to push her even further away it becomes automatic. I just don't want to deal with her and my answer to her is no, my attitude towards her is crummy because after so long im fed up. I've lost ALL patience with the people in this house and it causes for me to automatically respond with a "bad attitude."
But no, Michelle's bitch ass comes here, not even knowing what the -fuck- goes on around here with everyone and starts yelling at me. She hasnt lived in this house for ages, how could she possibly fucking know. Just come here and make me do stuff....that ETERNALLY PISSES ME OFF. DONT ASSOCIATE ME IN ANY OF YOUR IGNORANCE! I hate it when people, not knowing shit about you just comes in and -rudely- intrudes thinking that whatever the -fuck- they want is completely reasonable. Well maybe in her fucking ignorant mind, but if she just knew how I and my mind work as far as the relation with my mom is then maybe she would slightly reconsider her rash actions. Though, I highly doubt that -anyone- in my family will ever get me. They're too ignorant and too old. I do not mind actually helping out ok...but my problem is, I do not like being told it. I'd rather it be that I do it without someone breathing down my neck. That makes me feel like I always have in this fucking family: forced to do things. I have the biggest problem with being forced to do things now. I do not want to be viewed as submissive in any way shape or form >.< It's part of my stubborness to always keep up my "Rep". If i seem inconsistent, then my validity as a truthful person or someone who is loyal to my own beliefs is tested!
With all that said, I'm still stuck wondering, what is requested of me exactly? I have already been disturbed more than once by the frail, skeletal image that is my father right now. Not only is it emotionally disturbing to see him so skinny, getting flashed images in my head of my dead uncle with cancer, but it was mentally disturbing the few times I had to help him get from the bathroom to the bed.
So it makes it extra difficult for me to approach him. Can I help it that I'm squirmish about these things? That I don't want to stand in the room to talk to him since he can barely talk and you have to stand there, lean close to him or ask him to repeat with no real success.
Ok fine so my mom has a lot to do now, especially with taking care of kids to get some money, but what the hell am I supposed to do!? I have homework. Fine, I do it. Then what? I dont take well to kids, I can't bare to look at my dad in the state he's in, and the dishes? Well wtf. I clean my own, there's barely any when I come from school, then my mom decides she wants to do them herself and not be interrutpted. Also, can I not continue at least a little of my own life. No, instead I have to have EVERYTHING put on hold. Ok sure I understand the financial situation, I understand the serious impact this cancer has placed on the whole family. Though, what am I supposed to do? Sure there has to be some way for me to help. Though, Im still the youngest, I still dont know a lot about life in general and "adult responsibilities." Just want me to grow up all of a sudden? Am I so wrong to try and not worry so much, to live somewhat how I did before this happened? I could be wrong. Then again, what the hell have they ever fucking done for me, especially that bitch who blew up on me. Get the fucking internet taken away well wtf is that. I'll have NOTHING to do. I'll watch TV and I'll be completely stunted in my search for scholarships. I dont know but I sure as hell am not going to put on a maid outfit and do all this shit that I never get asked to do anyways. I get asked to talk to the kids; ok I do that for a limited time. I have to go do something for my dad; ok I go ahead and do that...
It seems like Im gonna have to "grow up" and get "uncomfortable." I wanted to go at things one at a time. Try to get all my college responsibilities and financial problems done so I can actually have a secure future no matter what happens. I don't want stress overload from everything I have to get done at school and then home which is supposed to be a place to "rest" making it worse. Is this understood? Of course not
Ha so much for not having a long story....though this barely covers all of what's been going on. It's just some ventillation for me finally.
It's hard to deal with this when there's so many clashing forces
I remember, in the back of my mind somewhere, I would think about it. Think about the day...the big day that the family would have to suffer... I wasn't sure how I'd react, wasn't sure what would happen. All I knew was that it was going to happen one day and I was going to have to deal with it. You would think that expecting something would lessen the feeling, would lessen the impact. No, it only makes it worse. Ironic huh...
Maybe you're not as shocked,just maybe. Either way, when it comes, it hits you in exactly the same way it would've if you never even saw it coming.
I need to finally type it out...let it out lest I drown in all my hardships.
I do not feel like typing out long stories of what's been happening in the passed several months.
Just that today, I'm immensely pissed. I'm drowned in all this hate and anger because I can't say anything as always. Im pushed down and oppressed by this idiotic family.
Tell me what the hell am I expected to do huh? JUST WHAT!? It's not my fault my sister had to be a retarded fuck and move back in AFTER she had a baby. I can't help it if I DONT LIKE BABIES! I refuse to hold that thing, it's a nuisance, it lives in my bedroom and I can't get any rest and relaxation because nooo I have to be "working". Trying to find a little comfort is just wrong because nooo I have to suffer what the family is suffering. Tell me what is this sudden interest in including me in the family. I was never "part" of the family. I was the fucking outcast. I sit around here doing nothing. I think my sister would be much happier if I wasnt even born! She can save her breath and not yell at me for apparently doing nothing. Doing nothing?
Has any fucking recognition ever been given to me before? NO! My sisters and brothers didn't want to have anything to do with me when I was little. They lived their own lives with their own friends, I was not to touch anything that was theirs just run around and do stuff for them.
Then there was my mom who got on my last nerves seeing as how ever since I was little I realized we were COMPLETE OPPOSITES.
My dad served a purpose when I was little and even when I grew up. Though, could I count on any emotional support from him or anyone in my family? NO. My dad for financial need, my mom for food and my sisters for what? Nothing. I was just there to break everything and get blamed for everything.
My mom, as incompetent as she is, never taught me to clean or cook. Of course, I learned to organize and clean in my own way, but Im horrible at cooking. I dont know how to do the laundry at all and would rather not even dare touch it, and as for dishes well hmm...I dont mind cleaning that, though I need my mom to not be around. She wants things done her -incompetent- way and if it's not done her way, you're yelled at and barked orders to do something else that's supposed to be done in 2 seconds at the same time as the other thing you were doing.
Therfore, my mom tells me to do something, I think it's bullshit in my teenage mind and ignore her. So after ignoring her constant badgering for so long and wanting to push her even further away it becomes automatic. I just don't want to deal with her and my answer to her is no, my attitude towards her is crummy because after so long im fed up. I've lost ALL patience with the people in this house and it causes for me to automatically respond with a "bad attitude."
But no, Michelle's bitch ass comes here, not even knowing what the -fuck- goes on around here with everyone and starts yelling at me. She hasnt lived in this house for ages, how could she possibly fucking know. Just come here and make me do stuff....that ETERNALLY PISSES ME OFF. DONT ASSOCIATE ME IN ANY OF YOUR IGNORANCE! I hate it when people, not knowing shit about you just comes in and -rudely- intrudes thinking that whatever the -fuck- they want is completely reasonable. Well maybe in her fucking ignorant mind, but if she just knew how I and my mind work as far as the relation with my mom is then maybe she would slightly reconsider her rash actions. Though, I highly doubt that -anyone- in my family will ever get me. They're too ignorant and too old. I do not mind actually helping out ok...but my problem is, I do not like being told it. I'd rather it be that I do it without someone breathing down my neck. That makes me feel like I always have in this fucking family: forced to do things. I have the biggest problem with being forced to do things now. I do not want to be viewed as submissive in any way shape or form >.< It's part of my stubborness to always keep up my "Rep". If i seem inconsistent, then my validity as a truthful person or someone who is loyal to my own beliefs is tested!
With all that said, I'm still stuck wondering, what is requested of me exactly? I have already been disturbed more than once by the frail, skeletal image that is my father right now. Not only is it emotionally disturbing to see him so skinny, getting flashed images in my head of my dead uncle with cancer, but it was mentally disturbing the few times I had to help him get from the bathroom to the bed.
So it makes it extra difficult for me to approach him. Can I help it that I'm squirmish about these things? That I don't want to stand in the room to talk to him since he can barely talk and you have to stand there, lean close to him or ask him to repeat with no real success.
Ok fine so my mom has a lot to do now, especially with taking care of kids to get some money, but what the hell am I supposed to do!? I have homework. Fine, I do it. Then what? I dont take well to kids, I can't bare to look at my dad in the state he's in, and the dishes? Well wtf. I clean my own, there's barely any when I come from school, then my mom decides she wants to do them herself and not be interrutpted. Also, can I not continue at least a little of my own life. No, instead I have to have EVERYTHING put on hold. Ok sure I understand the financial situation, I understand the serious impact this cancer has placed on the whole family. Though, what am I supposed to do? Sure there has to be some way for me to help. Though, Im still the youngest, I still dont know a lot about life in general and "adult responsibilities." Just want me to grow up all of a sudden? Am I so wrong to try and not worry so much, to live somewhat how I did before this happened? I could be wrong. Then again, what the hell have they ever fucking done for me, especially that bitch who blew up on me. Get the fucking internet taken away well wtf is that. I'll have NOTHING to do. I'll watch TV and I'll be completely stunted in my search for scholarships. I dont know but I sure as hell am not going to put on a maid outfit and do all this shit that I never get asked to do anyways. I get asked to talk to the kids; ok I do that for a limited time. I have to go do something for my dad; ok I go ahead and do that...
It seems like Im gonna have to "grow up" and get "uncomfortable." I wanted to go at things one at a time. Try to get all my college responsibilities and financial problems done so I can actually have a secure future no matter what happens. I don't want stress overload from everything I have to get done at school and then home which is supposed to be a place to "rest" making it worse. Is this understood? Of course not
Ha so much for not having a long story....though this barely covers all of what's been going on. It's just some ventillation for me finally.