(no subject)
well well well...look who's back posting. hahahaha. sometimes a good journal write makes me feel better. it's like releasing everything to the pages i write on and the text that makes up those pages. to read the rest click on the link. i don't feel like boring ppl...don't say i didn't warn you.
life's been okay. kinda been feeling emotionally weird lately. could just be the damn coughing that's back. had it all semester and finally got rid of it for a couple months, now the damn thing's back!!!! aaggghh! grrr, i say. but anyways, i'm confused about what i should do. i love my friends but i can't stand to be the source of tension and stress for them. they don't deserve it. i just wanted this summer to be fun and laid-back. i thought everything would be okay but it's not really. we just bicker all the time and i hate it. and i definitely know i'm a huge bitch sometimes, but i am trying to work on that. but when we talk about things, they get fine for a while then it just goes back to the same old shit again. everything finally blew up in my face and right now i'm not feeling like i ever wanna go there again. i tried to prevent it from happening but it did. i wish it could all just be over. if there was some way that i could make it that way, i would. there wasn't enough time after we broke up to resolve ourselves mentally. that's what i wanted but it wouldn't happen that way. i moved on pretty quickly, i felt okay with where we were at but i knew it wasn't quite working. i felt trapped all semester. i felt guilty at parties and i knew i shouldn't b/c he would be doing his thing (which he was way more than i had anticipated) but apparently i was the one stuck in the past. there were no feelings left but i had some element of respect for his feelings. i didn't want to hurt him like i already had. but it obviously wouldn't have mattered anyways. i'm totally jealous. i'll admit it...it's been 7 months and even though i wonder if he's really moved on or if it's just a facade, he has. and i haven't. and i hate that...i do. i feel like he's flaunting this new girl in front of my face. i would never bring a new interest around him until i knew it was okay. and it's not okay with me. i don't wanna know about his romantic life or whatever. it hurts and i'm the one who's supposed to be cool with everything. i was the one who broke up with him. but i'm gonna try my hardest to back away gracefully. bow down as best i can and dammit if anyone tries to fuck it up for me.
life's been okay. kinda been feeling emotionally weird lately. could just be the damn coughing that's back. had it all semester and finally got rid of it for a couple months, now the damn thing's back!!!! aaggghh! grrr, i say. but anyways, i'm confused about what i should do. i love my friends but i can't stand to be the source of tension and stress for them. they don't deserve it. i just wanted this summer to be fun and laid-back. i thought everything would be okay but it's not really. we just bicker all the time and i hate it. and i definitely know i'm a huge bitch sometimes, but i am trying to work on that. but when we talk about things, they get fine for a while then it just goes back to the same old shit again. everything finally blew up in my face and right now i'm not feeling like i ever wanna go there again. i tried to prevent it from happening but it did. i wish it could all just be over. if there was some way that i could make it that way, i would. there wasn't enough time after we broke up to resolve ourselves mentally. that's what i wanted but it wouldn't happen that way. i moved on pretty quickly, i felt okay with where we were at but i knew it wasn't quite working. i felt trapped all semester. i felt guilty at parties and i knew i shouldn't b/c he would be doing his thing (which he was way more than i had anticipated) but apparently i was the one stuck in the past. there were no feelings left but i had some element of respect for his feelings. i didn't want to hurt him like i already had. but it obviously wouldn't have mattered anyways. i'm totally jealous. i'll admit it...it's been 7 months and even though i wonder if he's really moved on or if it's just a facade, he has. and i haven't. and i hate that...i do. i feel like he's flaunting this new girl in front of my face. i would never bring a new interest around him until i knew it was okay. and it's not okay with me. i don't wanna know about his romantic life or whatever. it hurts and i'm the one who's supposed to be cool with everything. i was the one who broke up with him. but i'm gonna try my hardest to back away gracefully. bow down as best i can and dammit if anyone tries to fuck it up for me.