So when your bike lock has this nifty little latch that keeps it from falling off the bike, getting caught in the frame and mangling the derailleur, remember kids... always, and I do mean always, use that latch.
I forgot to latch the lock in, it fell off, and now my derailler is bent outwards so it's about 3.2 gears off where it should be. Then, when I was trying to find a gear where it might be manageable to limp home at 10kph, I got the bright idea to shift up to the top gear and, wouldn't you know, the chain got jammed. I thought I might be able to bend the derailleur back into shape, so I stopped near the Stone Road Mall. I was wearing a white button-up shirt on top of a black sleeveless shirt, so I took off the white one to keep it from getting dirty and got to work.
It turns out the derailleur's bent at the hefty metal piece (hefty as in a steel plate about 1cm thick) that attaches it to the frame. There's considerable metal fatigue where it's bent, so if this happens again it would probably just snap off. I managed to bend it a bit, to about 1.7 gears off. Then I realized the chain was still jammed, and jammed tight too; the only way to get it unjammed without tools covered my hands with grease.
Only after my hands were a lovely shade of black did I remember that my shirt was lying there on the ground. I wiped my hands in the grass to make them only a pink-black colour, used my relatively-clean pinky-fingers to pick it up and drape it over my handlebars, went to the mall and washed my hands. I must have been quite a sight: me wearing a black sleeveless shirt, white shirt over my shoulder, carrying a helmet with hands covered in grease.
I did do my good deed for the day... as I was unlocking my bike to limp home, noticed a woman with maybe a Ukrainian accent checking a map, so I asked her if she's trying to find someplace, then directed her to Edinburgh and Speedvale.
I'd at least need a clamp and worktable to fix this myself, so I'm going to have to go into a bike shop on Tuesday. Hopefully they can bend it back into shape, otherwise I'm going to have to drop $50 or more on a new derailleur. Just what I needed.