06; exo; the sublimation of a glow
the sublimation of a glow | pg-13 for mature situations (spoiler: terminal illness)
baekhyun/chanyeol, mild joonmyun/kyungsoo
5,600 words
oneshot
trivia! chanyeol's birthday is on november 27, and linthouse is a place in glasgow, which is a place in scotland. :)
references several actual events and kai's two pet dogs.
my entry for aideshou's first challenge! please vote here if you liked it. :)
inspired by and largely written to this
Baekhyun has a one-sided rivalry with Chanyeol which begins with light, and then disappears with it.
the sublimation of a glow
Two days.
Two days of being a trainee in one of the biggest entertainment companies in the country, and Baekhyun finds himself reliving the period of his life which had teachers and schedules which were much more demanding than anything he’d ever done. An atmosphere charged with competition. The groups of people who are close, close friends, like that trainee who hangs out with Taemin a lot, or like Key and all of his buddies.
But it’s different from school because Baekhyun is nothing special in a company such as this.
In high school, maybe, he was one of a handful of fireflies in a crowd of moths. Now that he’s just a small, glowing bug surrounded by stars, Baekhyun knows better than to just let himself fade into the background.
That’s why he approaches.
“Hi,” he says, putting on his best casual smile. His words echo in the practice room, empty with just him and another man, and Baekhyun feels the need to quickly fill in the silence.
The other man does it for him, with a voice that is lower and much louder than Baekhyun expects. “Hey!” His face stretches out into a grin, but then one of his eyes jerk and oh. "You're Baekhyun, right?” Did he just... wink? “I'm Chanyeol!"
Well.
He seems... friendly. Baekhyun rights his startled smile and nods. He smoothly starts a conversation about dance practice, because this is his first class and hey, is the teacher really that scary? And Chanyeol chuckles and responds eagerly. Maybe they can be friends pretty quick.
One thing about friends is that Baekhyun can easily shine among them, if only because he can make them think that he does.
Chanyeol is now the first of the many people who will help Baekhyun shine.
It takes Baekhyun three months, more than ten new acquaintances and friends, and a sleepless hour spent lying on his bunk to come to the conclusion that he and Chanyeol are similar. It’s not a bad thing - it kind of explains why getting along wasn’t so hard.
It’s just a bit threatening because he has competition, and it just had to be Chanyeol. His talkative giraffe friend with model-like looks until he smiles and starts laughing like a thrashing, clapping hippo. He seems like the type to excel at variety, and Baekhyun likes to think of himself as that type of person as well, which... just can’t do.
Baekhyun starts practicing his faces in the mirror.
But then he finds himself changing his mind two months later, trying out several voice imitations and choosing the funniest among them carefully while Chanyeol is being effortlessly infectious with his laughter. They’re both quite different in that aspect. He has to contort his face when all Chanyeol has to do is grin lopsidedly.
So he starts practicing his smiles, too.
The friendships come easier after that.
(Still, Baekhyun’s a little envious.)
A new network of connections and seven months since he joined, and Baekhyun’s debuting in four more.
His plan has worked out well for him.
Thinking about it now, he realizes that maybe his way of thinking back then was a bit cold and manipulative, but at least he doesn’t have to do it anymore. He’d managed to establish himself among the people he knew as a funny guy with a good voice, and so friends talked to people and people talked to important people and now, he’s finally debuting. There’s no need to go any further.
And being a trainee wasn’t as cutthroat as he figured it would be - Sehun has been a funny guy since Baekhyun met him and Yixing is as kind as always, even though he seems to enjoy roughhousing. All of the members of the group he’s about to debut in are people he has met. Not all of them are people he can call friends, though. Yet.
They are told their rooming arrangements as Exo-K when another month passes, and there is something about being Chanyeol’s roommate that makes Baekhyun excited in an odd way. Chanyeol’s not an enemy, but Baekhyun strives to be better than him and he’s always been told to keep his enemies closer. This one-sided rivalry is making him try harder. It’s a healthy thing.
Eleven months, and Baekhyun’s internal counter resets itself because it’s their first day on stage.
He’s pretty sure that a story about two boys sharing a tiny dorm bathroom is enough to make him shine in the audience’s eyes, and he can’t help a grin when the crowd shrieks. He keeps going. Pretends he’s in a commercial. He keeps going. Moves his hands and lips and eyes in a planned motion that makes the fans react and they do, they do, they do.
He starts to keep score, and mentally, he gives himself a point and wonders if he’s winning.
“I love...” And Baekhyun’s words freeze in the middle of his sentence, hard blocks in his throat. Instinctively, he turns to look at Chanyeol for direction or confirmation or just something to follow, and he wants to smack himself for doing it. It’s just fanservice. Why is it so hard?
He’s probably not winning if he can’t do something without Chanyeol doing it as well.
“We love you,” Chanyeol finishes, not even looking back. He smiles and waves at the cameras, and Baekhyun does so as well, telling himself not to do it again.
“Now, MBLAQ’s Lee Joon is here as well, as an emcee. Are there any particular singers you want to be like?”
The moment Joonmyun says ‘our company’s seniors’, apparently not taking the emcee's hint and being totally oblivious to everyone's awkward smiles, Baekhyun shoots his gaze away from their leader’s face and tries not to wince.
Joon takes it with a laugh. “I decided to be a singer after watching SHINee, too!”
While the hosts and the other members are chuckling stiffly, Chanyeol adds, “For me, though, it was after I watched one of MBLAQ’s performances.” He tacks a grin and a bow at the end and Joon laughs a bit better.
Baekhyun mentally apologizes to Joonmyun before giving Chanyeol a point.
Chanyeol may have the upper hand when it comes to height and looks and humor and speaking well, but there's one thing Baekhyun's sure he does better that isn't singing.
"You know," he begins, panting out a chuckle while reaching for his water bottle. "The one who told me that something's wrong when Joonmyun hyung dances better than you... is you."
The response he expects is something along the lines of their old, teasing conversations, maybe a sheepish laugh or one of Chanyeol’s usual grins, but clouding the other man’s expression is something Baekhyun can’t put his finger on. Three months since debut and fourteen months being Chanyeol’s friend, and Baekhyun’s pretty sure he hasn’t seen this expression on Chanyeol’s face before.
“Sorry,” Chanyeol says, blankly staring at his palm. “It’s just...” His lips tighten and he stretches each of his joints, rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck and bending his knees. When he’s done, he stands straight and looks at Baekhyun with no emotion whatsoever, and Baekhyun wonders if he’s supposed to be laughing.
He decides to hand Chanyeol’s water bottle to him. “You know, if you’re really tired, I’m sure the others wouldn’t mind having a break too.”
Chanyeol says a small thanks but doesn’t make any move to drink. Then, almost painful to look at, his cheeks creak upward into a smile. “Nah, we have to practice hard - this is for our fans in London, after all!”
Baekhyun just bites the inside of his cheek and smiles. “Yeah.”
Their water break ends, but then their manager calls out Chanyeol for apparently moving like a drunkard and dance practice ends quickly. Baekhyun has a victory in this area, but it’s a bit sour.
During their performance, though -
Baekhyun tries not to smile because this a serious song with a serious dance, but he can’t not do it. He grins and sings and dares to stretch his arms more, puts even more of himself into performing, because the fans are singing along with them and drowning all six of them in the sound. Everything feels great. Everything is a sea of bright green.
He finds himself looking at Chanyeol every once in a while, trying to silently say ‘we’re here, we’re finally here.’ And on one occasion, Chanyeol looks back and grins with that dumb wink again, and Baekhyun almost laughs out loud right there. It really does make him look like a drunkard.
Then again, all six of them are a bit high right now, on all the lights and sounds of the crowd, and he remembers that the only thing that can possibly make this better is if all twelve of Exo is there. And if they could stop grinning so much to match the mood of the song.
But for now, this is more than enough.
He remembers a half-completed sentence from an interview long ago, so he says it completely today, grinning into the mic. “We love London!”
This time, it’s Chanyeol who first looks at him before following with a yell. “We love you!”
Baekhyun gives himself another point, but starts forgetting the tally because it doesn’t really matter anymore. Each of them shine in their own ways, after all, and they shine even brighter as one.
So they keep going.
A year and a half after their debut, and Baekhyun changes his mind again because Chanyeol shines brighter than the rest of them.
They’ve all settled into their roles by now, and neither Baekhyn nor Chanyeol are the golden child of the group because that’s Jongin. Neither of them are the most popular because all six of them are pretty equal in popularity, and neither of them are spectacularly talented among idols. But Chanyeol’s shine isn’t in things like those.
Baekhyun finds that it’s in the way Chanyeol smiles when they find out that he has a degenerative brain disorder.
It’s not too bad, the doctor says, since they got to diagnose it very early in its development. But. Degenerative. A slow loss. Baekhyun never noticed.
There's no dramatic sobbing; just an unfillable silence and their manager burying his face in his hands. "There's a cure, right?"
"There is," the doctor says.
Baekhyun lets out a heavy, trembling breath, throat feeling a bit less choked, and Chanyeol looks at him with a grin.
"It's a relatively new kind of treatment, though - stem cell treatment. They grow new neurons to replace your old, damaged ones." The doctor flips through some kind of directory and points out something on a page, and everyone leans over. Kyungsoo lays a trembling hand on Joonmyun's shoulder for support. "It's only being practiced in a few countries, though."
Baekhyun's eyes catch a few words, 'implant' and 'rehabilitation' and 'success rate', and he forces his gaze to stop there.
Now what?
Chanyeol's not allowed to have schedules anymore.
Their manager insists on keeping Chanyeol in their dorm like he's a secret, but he's not because he’s Chanyeol. He's more important than Baekhyun, since Kyungsoo can cover for him, but Jongin dances more than he raps and Sehun’s still wearing his retainers and Joonmyun needs someone who can carry a conversation and not fill it with PR lines. All roles filled by Chanyeol.
Baekhyun remembers giving himself a point because Chanyeol had tripped over his own feet, but now wishes he had never started keeping count.
“You’re leaving in a week?”
A grin twitches its way onto Chanyeol’s face. “I’ll bring souvenirs, promise! The company moves fast, doesn’t it? Barely half a week since I was diagnosed and I already have a room reserved for me in a hospital waaaaay over at Scotland. I’m in room 320, manager says, and the view of the - “
Chanyeol has to stay. He has to stay. But he has to leave, too, and Baekhyun finds himself remembering a half-completed sentence again and he frantically thinks, what if Chanyeol wasn’t there, back then? What if he wasn’t there when Baekhyun was forced to act cute? Everything starts turning into a disaster because it's all Baekhyun on his own, and he needs this conversation to end.
“Okay,” he blurts out, hands fisted in his pockets.
For a moment, no one speaks.
Then Chanyeol continues, voice softer. “You know, Sehun’s decided to treat all six of us to bubble tea with all the discounts he’s earned. I think he’s trying to pay us back for essentially forcing ourselves to treat him to beef when he was being bbuing-bbuing-happy.” He smiles again, easily, and says, “Don’t tell me you forgot that we’re having our bubble tea movie night soon! Have you even showered?”
Baekhyun likes this conversation more than the older one, and he tries to chuckle, stretching to a stand. “You sound like Kyungsoo!”
Chanyeol widens his eyes comically and repeats his last line, and Baekhyun laughs a bit harder, walking to their shared bedroom down the hall to get his clothes. “Don’t take too long,” Chanyeol calls after.
Baekhyun grins and nods from the bedroom’s doorway.
Once he’s in it, though, he leans his forehead against the wall and just stares at the plaster. He can barely tell his stuff apart from Chanyeol’s anymore - neither one of them can leave without bringing everything in this room. If Chanyeol leaves, what’ll be left?
He thinks to ask Sehun for long-distance relationship advice, half-serious and half-poking-for-fun, but it feels just as odd as the fact that the youngest of their group is the one who had just treated them all to something.
And the fact that he had just equated his and Chanyeol’s about-to-turn-long-distance friendship to a long-distance relationship in the first place.
He almost spits his bubble tea all over the only sofa in their dorm and Chanyeol flails. “I sleep on that!" Grinning, he then adds, “I wouldn’t be, though, if only someone doesn’t turn up the heater all the time!”
After a moment to compose himself, Baekhyun smiles. He thinks to make a cheeky, little joke but before he realizes, his mouth is already moving and saying, "I won’t turn on the heater in the bedroom this week, promise."
This week.
Chanyeol's grin dampens, but it stays as he sinks back into the recliner. “Ah, okay.” His fingers fidget around his cup of wintermelon milk tea. “Thanks.”
As the movie drags on, each of the members start to fall asleep, and Baekhyun vaguely remembers Chanyeol still wide awake, eyes alert and looking at every inch of the living room. Trying to soak up each detail, memorizing the way the rest of the members instinctively curl up into each other for warmth. Meeting Baekhyun’s sleepy gaze.
He grins with his usual wink-twitch and Baekhyun turns around, pulling a blanket he hadn’t realized was even on him up to cover his face.
They have only one week.
Monday is a rainy day.
“I wanna go out,” Chanyeol says, staring longingly out the window. His limbs are spread over the floor like a sad starfish imitation and Baekhyun hands him a pillow, because even if the floor is polished, it’s still hard, painful wood.
Chanyeol slips the cushion beneath his head with a drowsy smile.
On the couch, Joonmyun is comfortably stretched out, a large pillow covering his face and torso. “We can probably go out later in the week, if you want.”
And Baekhyun feels like he really needs to do something, so. “Let’s go? Right now." He stands, displacing all the throw pillows that had been piled on him, and pulls a random jacket off the floor. “It’s night, so it’s okay.”
"Can't," Joonmyun replies with a yawn. He curls up into a ball on the sofa and continues speaking with his eyes closed. "Have to ask manager."
“My jacket,” Chanyeol mumbles, arm stretched towards the ceiling.
Baekhyun properly looks at the piece of clothing he's already slipped on and, upon noticing the green camouflage print, hands it over. He then stands in the living room with no idea what to do, nursing an odd feeling of needing to do something but wanting to just sleep.
The jacket ends up spread over Chanyeo’s torso like an upper-body blanket. “It’s cold,” Chanyeol says, trying to snuggle into it.
Sehun starts piling the throw pillows all over Chanyeol’s entire being.
With a pleading look from Jongin, Kyungsoo stands up with a sigh. “Could at least one of you help me bring the hot cocoa here, this time? Six mugs..." He trails off, hands dramatically spread open, and Joonmyun stands up while rubbing his eyes. He looks half-awake as he walks into the kitchen after Kyungsoo.
How a yearning for chocolate drinks equates Jongin's gaze is a mystery.
Suddenly feeling cozy, Baekhyun sits back down on the floor and waits for his mug of cocoa. They can go out tomorrow.
Tuesday’s the complete opposite, in terms of weather. It’s the sweltering kind of sunny that gives the impression of living in a microwave and forces you to spend the day next to an electric fan.
Jongin and Sehun are out practicing a number with the rest of the company’s dancers, so Chanyeol immediately leaps at the chance to finally win one of their group’s usual games.
But since their two youngest members aren’t here...
Once the cans of beer are in the center of their four-person circle, Chanyeol sits down and immediately begins with a grin. “Never have I ever worn a hat with a plaid pattern.”
Coolly and smoothly, Joonmyun pops open one of the cans and gulps down half of it. Kyungsoo sends a wide-eyed stare in his direction and Baekhyun and Chanyeol simultaneously cheer, letting out an ‘oooh’ interspersed with laughs.
“Well,” Joonmyun begins. He smiles warningly and Baekhyun already knows to reach for one of the cans. “Never have I ever... worn a hoodie in public after debut.”
Kyungsoo yelps out a ‘really?!’ and Baekhyun pushes a can towards him, having already drunk his share.
Then it’s Baekyun’s turn. “Never have I ever...” He glances towards Chanyeol, who is biting his lip in an attempt not to laugh, and then to Joonmyun and Kyungsoo with a small, triumphant dance. “...worn a bowtie after debut!”
Joonmyun and Kyungsoo finish their first cans of beer, and Baekhyun and Chanyeol share a look.
A half hour or two later, Chanyeol and Baekhyun finally accomplish dumping both Joonmyun and Kyungsoo onto the closest bed, and Baekhyun laughs uncontrollably while rearranging their limbs to make their sleeping positions incredibly interesting. Chanyeol’s busy taking a video in the background and providing a half-coherent narration.
Early Wednesday, Joonmyun’s and Kyungsoo’s personal spaces grow so awkwardly shaped that they’ve decided to banish themselves from the dorm and be completely away from each other.
They’ve split up into two teams: Joonmyun, Chanyeol and Sehun are walking Jjanggu, and Kyungsoo, Baekhyun and Jongin are walking Monggu. The park they’ve chosen is big enough that getting Kyungsoo and Joonmyun to look for each other won’t be easy, but small enough to make the two of them a bit paranoid.
Monggu quietly struts next to Jongin’s feet.
“It’s probably not that bad,” Baekhyun says, patting Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “Sometimes your arms just flail around while you sleep and... yeah, weird places. You guys didn’t do it on purpose.”
“A decimeter.” Kyungsoo abruptly stops walking and Monggu sits in front of him, looking up curiously as Kyungsoo hides in his hands. “Our faces were a decimeter away from each other.”
They hear a wild barking in the distance and Kyungsoo completely freezes up as Jjanggu vaults over, tangling itself around Jongin’s ankles. Chanyeol bounds after it, but then his feet jumble this way and that he nearly smashes his face into the floor, desperately yelling after Jongin’s more hyperactive dog.
Baekhyun laughs into a fist as Chanyeol comes to a stand next to him.
“Man,” Chanyeol begins, panting. “I thought Jjanggu was gonna disappear somewhere and get lost!” But then he straightens his posture and, leaning towards Baekhyun’s ear, he loudly whispers, “Joonmyun told us everything!”
Kyungsoo sends a judging stare in their direction and Baekhyun pulls Chanyeol closer with a hushed ‘whisper softer!’
Voice low, Baekhyun then replies. “Should we do something?”
Chanyeol shakes his head. “Joonmyun says to just let them sort it out.”
“Eh, okay.” Baekhyun tilts his head and cocks an eyebrow, but doesn't say anything else.
As they pull away from each other, Baekyun internally estimates the distance between him and Chanyeol and sees half a decimeter. He doesn’t see the problem.
Thursday, Joonmyun and Kyungsoo are gone.
“Probably on an apology date,” Baekhyun says, fingers busily pressing buttons on a controller.
Chanyeol snorts from behind him, but then the sound gets strangled halfway by Baekhyun almost ramming his in-game car into a pole and Chanyeol exclaiming, “You’re kinda bad at this!”
Sitting next to Jongin, Sehun adds, “I hope they’re buying apples. The thing Kyungsoo does with the apple boxes is cool.”
Jongin stops, sets his controller down on the floor, and places a hand on his forehead, face wrinkled in some kind of misery.
“Quick,” Chanyeol says, grabbing Baekhyun’s controller. “Switch, switch!”
Baekhyun gives up his spot but then Chanyeol suddenly accelerates into a lake, so Jongin wins by default.
“I miss the time when you were incapable of playing video games,” Baekhyun says, some minutes after Jongin’s victory. He hands Jongin his prize of ice cream and stares at his own wallet forlornly.
“I’m still bad at them.” Jongin bites into the popsicle and smiles. “You guys just got worse?”
Sehun’s elbow prods his side.
“Hey!” Chanyeol sticks out his tongue and grins, opening a bag of chips. “Not my fault I can’t control my muscles well!”
They all freeze.
With a sigh, Chanyeol slings an arm over Baekhyun’s and Sehun’s shoulders. “Come on, it’s curable! Just treat me like how you guys normally do.” He smiles and, starting to rock side to side, says, “I’ll come back quickly, I swear. It’s... It’s just like a cold anyway.” His hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder jerks, as if in protest. “Just several times worse.”
A cold.
Chanyeol grins again and really, Baekhyun just can’t understand how.
They have a schedule on Friday, so Chanyeol ends up alone at their dorm again.
Baekhyun constantly catches himself waiting for a cue that doesn’t come, a deep laughter that means for him to laugh too, or the voice that tells him hey, why don’t we do this? A heart for our fans? Let’s do something funny on the count of three. Why don’t we...
“Baekhyun?”
Kyungsoo taps his shoulder and Baekhyun jolts, fumbling for his words in an attempt to reply.
The small farewell party is on Saturday.
It’s right after five members of Exo-K have a variety show filming, and they're all tired and sleepy but they drop by a cake shop anyway. They pick out the decorations for a mango chocolate cake, and the icing ends up littered with giraffes and trees made entirely of sugar and birds that are draped with orange cream, since the cake shop doesn’t have any phoenix figurines.
They end up arriving at their dorm a bit later as a result, but when Chanyeol immediately bounces from the couch with a grin, they know that it's worth it. Chanyeol is quick to say that of course mango chocolate cake is his favorite, and whether he’s just being nice or not, the cake really does taste great anyway. They end up finishing it overnight, playing games as they usually do.
But still, they all end up sleeping early, except for Chanyeol. Like how it's always been, nowadays.
They never got to properly go out together.
Baekhyun can’t sleep either because Chanyeol is busy packing up, opening and closing drawers and their closet and his bags. The air starts feeling cooler and cooler as well.
After a few minutes and the final clinks of zippers, Chanyeol rolls into the lower bunk and everything falls silent. With Chanyeol, though, the quiet never really lasts for long.
“Baekhyun?” he whispers.
Not moving an inch on the upper bunk, Baekhyun replies. “Yeah?”
When Chanyeol takes in an unnaturally deep breath, Baekhyun knows what it means and chuckles, quiet and tired. “Don’t start another goodbye speech.” He curls up into a ball because he feels like he’s heavy and shivering, like his words are. “I mean, you’re coming back as soon as you can, right? So.” He gulps. “We’ll stay here. And then we’ll do our best, so that when you come back, it’s like you never left. And you’ll never actually leave anyway, since we’re... we’re one, right?”
The lower bunk creaks and shifts. “Thanks.” Chanyeol inhales again, a small breath this time. “But it’s not that. I - ” Chanyeol starts chuckling, a bit frantic, and says, “This is going to sound funny, but.” He exhales. “I’m scared.”
Baekhyun closes his eyes.
“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol calls, voice soft and shaky and not sounding like Chanyeol at all. “I’m really scared.”
Something suddenly comes to Baekhyun's mind: a two-digit number he saw a long time ago, even if he didn't want to. It started with a three.
Success rate.
His throat is collapsing, but the words just spill out like water. “Me too.”
Sunday.
When Baekhyun gets up, half the room is empty.
Footsteps are echoing from the front doorway, and once Baekhyun manages to drag himself over, he sees all the other members helping Chanyeol with his baggage and Chanyeol himself just standing outside, soaking up the cityscape. Baekhyun hasn’t seen Chanyeol outdoors in a while and the sunlight hits Chanyeol perfectly, practically making him shine.
A far-off thought tells Baekhyun that he has lost, but then Chanyeol starts turning to leave and Baekhyun finds himself reaching forward to hold onto Chanyeol’s jacket, eyes wide and mouth wanting to form words but not finding any.
“Ah - Baekhyun! You’re awake!” Chanyeol smiles again, and it’s a bit subdued. “I didn’t want to wake you since you were all so tired yesterday, but since you’re finally up, why don’t you come to the airport, too? The others said they wanted to see me off, so.” He grips on Baekhyun’s sleeve as well and tugs, expression turning cheeky, but -
“Chanyeol,” Baekyun breathes out. It’s all his throat can manage.
His fingers turn limp and then he lets go.
There’s a vapor trail in the sky and maybe, just maybe, the plane it’s following is Chanyeol’s.
Baekhyun hates his tears, each drop angry and lost. Hates himself for not seeing Chanyeol off. Doesn’t hate Chanyeol for trying so hard but wants to for the exact same reason, because now, there’s a hole in their group’s symmetry, and eleven pairs of hands are scrabbling to cover it up. But Baekhyun can never hate him, even though eleven is not an even number and never will be.
(Ten, however, is.)
They’re filming a show, and the cue Baekhyun’s waiting for never comes. He tries to smile and joke and it works sometimes, but in the end, Baekhyun is still waiting.
He tries telling himself to stop waiting, too, but that is one thing he knows will never work.
Joonmyun calls him to the dining room, and when Kyungsoo hurriedly shuts the door the moment Baekhyun enters, Baekhyun already knows what this is about.
“Sorry,” he says, staring at the mug in front of him.
“I understand,” Joonmyun replies. He takes a small sip from his own mug. “Do you remember what you told Chanyeol, though? The night before he left?”
Slowly, Baekhyun looks up and meets Joonmyun’s eyes, throat going dry. “He told you?”
Joonmyun nods. “During the trip to the airport.” A small smile appears on his face as he says, “He seemed really happy and proud, talking about it.”
“Ah.” Baekhyun drops his gaze back to his mug and swallows, closing his eyes.
“Aw, see - how will we keep things unchanged if you always seem sad during shows, now?” Joonmyun places his hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder. “It’s all about motivation,” he says. “If you really want something like, say, making sure that when Chanyeol comes back, we'll be doing as well as we're doing now, then do all you can for it!” He smiles and, with a few pats on Baekhyun’s shoulder, leaves with his mug, calling out, “Just something to think about while waiting for dinner!”
The minutes after, Baekhyun stays on his seat, all alone with the numbers echoing in his head. Eleven isn't even, but ten is.
So he decides not to wait anymore.
He’ll go.
He drowns himself in work and keeps going, going, going.
It takes a while for him to notice, but eventually, he learns to stop waiting and learns to smile, even when he’s on his own. It's not as easy as before, but it’s progress.
(He makes his own bank account, one he’s sure his manager’s not aware of, and deposits small amounts there. From his role in a musical. From hosting a show. From being a permanent guest on another.
It doesn’t take too long to save up for a flight, and it’s not a short time, either.
But it’s coming closer.)
He doesn’t tell anyone what he’s been thinking about, and no one asks. But maybe he accidentally lets it slip a bit when he ends up staring at a fire too long and all he sees in it is Chanyeol and his ugly hair and his bright, bright grin. The other members don’t let their sympathetic gazes linger too long but Jongin is as sharp as he’s always been, watching long enough to see Baekhyun open his wallet to check if his passport’s still tucked in it.
So Jongin tells Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo wakes Baekhyun up in the middle of the night, holding a lidded, plastic bowl and the ticket Baekhyun was sure he had hidden under the bed. Baekhyun’s brain jolts awake and he shoots to his feet, mouth already open and ready to spew out excuses, but Kyungsoo shushes him and plops the bowl down onto Baekhyun’s palms.
“Don’t miss your flight,” he whispers hurriedly, staring at the dark, two-in-the-morning air next to Baekhyun’s sock-covered feet. “Eat the pasta in three hours or it’ll go bad, and.” He gulps, looks up, and his eyes are wide and shimmering as he says, “We’ll hold, here, until you guys come back. Just. Say hi to Chanyeol for all of us, alright?”
He ends with a small, wobbly smile, and Baekhyun hugs him, legs shaking and lungs choking with a weird urge to laugh.
The journey is long.
But several hours are just small specks of time, especially next to a year and a half’s worth of work and change, of anticipation, of something which makes Baekhyun’s spine tingle when he draws closer and closer and finally, finally, he is here, standing in a clean, white corridor. In front of Room 320.
With a hand on the doorknob, he feels like a firefly again, a small wisp of light compared to a much more luminescent glow. But he’s sure that he’s brighter, now, compared to how he was all those years ago. He’s a star now, like the others in their company. Like Chanyeol, who is the brightest of the twelve of them.
And, like always -
When Baekhyun opens the door, Chanyeol’s head whips around to face him, and even though both of their eyes are probably glimmering and drowning by now, Chanyeol’s face is split in a grin.
He shines as bright as always.
Now, though, the one who takes the steps forward is Baekhyun, and he wraps his arms around Chanyeol’s shoulders with his own smile. If, back then, the one who guided him along was Chanyeol, then...
“My turn,” Baekhyun says, holding Chanyeol just a bit tighter.
He stays put when Chanyeol starts to simultaneously laugh and cry, and through a running nose, Chanyeol says, “Your t-turn to treat me during my birthday, right?”
Baekhyun laughs as well, closing his eyes. “Yeah, that too.”
Four years since debut, five since joining the company, and Baekhyun’s internal counter resets again. It’s his first day in this new life.
He’s trying to remember what Chanyeol’s favorite cake is.
[FANACCOUNT] 161120 Exo Recording @ Music Bank
Baekhyun was also gone today!!! What’s happening to our boys TT TT But there’s a good ending!
Fans got noisy and chaotic, interrupting Exo-K+Xiumin’s recording (I think Xiumin is just temporarily performing with them?), so Exo-M started to walk onstage too. Kris said that Exo is still one no matter what, and Chen quoted their Mama music video part in English about different skies and same grounds but said it wrong, so Kris corrected him and made everyone laugh a bit.
Suho said that all twelve members will be united again for sure, but then he was starting to get teary-eyed, and then Tao started to cry, so all the members hugged each other <3 (Kai and Kris looked awkward though lol)
The fans started cheering ‘Exo! Exo!’, and all the boys looked really touched. Suho said something about how happy Baekhyun and Chanyeol would be if they saw (I think? Sorry, was too busy cheering too rofl). Tao then said something to the others, not sure what exactly, but I think he mouthed something about a ‘video message’? Then the boys talked a bit.
Someone (sounded like Sehun?) whispered ‘But Baekhyun’s in Scotland, how will he see?’ Probably didn’t remove his mic and forgot that it was on, so everyone heard... Isn’t Scotland where Chanyeol went?
[FANACCOUNT] 161127 BaekYeol at Glasgow?
Am I going crazy? Near the hospital at Linthouse, I saw two people who looked exactly like Baekhyun and Chanyeol eating at a cake shop! I think they were eating some mango chocolate cake slices...
fin!
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baekhyun/chanyeol, mild joonmyun/kyungsoo
5,600 words
oneshot
trivia! chanyeol's birthday is on november 27, and linthouse is a place in glasgow, which is a place in scotland. :)
references several actual events and kai's two pet dogs.
my entry for aideshou's first challenge! please vote here if you liked it. :)
inspired by and largely written to this
Baekhyun has a one-sided rivalry with Chanyeol which begins with light, and then disappears with it.
the sublimation of a glow
Two days.
Two days of being a trainee in one of the biggest entertainment companies in the country, and Baekhyun finds himself reliving the period of his life which had teachers and schedules which were much more demanding than anything he’d ever done. An atmosphere charged with competition. The groups of people who are close, close friends, like that trainee who hangs out with Taemin a lot, or like Key and all of his buddies.
But it’s different from school because Baekhyun is nothing special in a company such as this.
In high school, maybe, he was one of a handful of fireflies in a crowd of moths. Now that he’s just a small, glowing bug surrounded by stars, Baekhyun knows better than to just let himself fade into the background.
That’s why he approaches.
“Hi,” he says, putting on his best casual smile. His words echo in the practice room, empty with just him and another man, and Baekhyun feels the need to quickly fill in the silence.
The other man does it for him, with a voice that is lower and much louder than Baekhyun expects. “Hey!” His face stretches out into a grin, but then one of his eyes jerk and oh. "You're Baekhyun, right?” Did he just... wink? “I'm Chanyeol!"
Well.
He seems... friendly. Baekhyun rights his startled smile and nods. He smoothly starts a conversation about dance practice, because this is his first class and hey, is the teacher really that scary? And Chanyeol chuckles and responds eagerly. Maybe they can be friends pretty quick.
One thing about friends is that Baekhyun can easily shine among them, if only because he can make them think that he does.
Chanyeol is now the first of the many people who will help Baekhyun shine.
It takes Baekhyun three months, more than ten new acquaintances and friends, and a sleepless hour spent lying on his bunk to come to the conclusion that he and Chanyeol are similar. It’s not a bad thing - it kind of explains why getting along wasn’t so hard.
It’s just a bit threatening because he has competition, and it just had to be Chanyeol. His talkative giraffe friend with model-like looks until he smiles and starts laughing like a thrashing, clapping hippo. He seems like the type to excel at variety, and Baekhyun likes to think of himself as that type of person as well, which... just can’t do.
Baekhyun starts practicing his faces in the mirror.
But then he finds himself changing his mind two months later, trying out several voice imitations and choosing the funniest among them carefully while Chanyeol is being effortlessly infectious with his laughter. They’re both quite different in that aspect. He has to contort his face when all Chanyeol has to do is grin lopsidedly.
So he starts practicing his smiles, too.
The friendships come easier after that.
(Still, Baekhyun’s a little envious.)
A new network of connections and seven months since he joined, and Baekhyun’s debuting in four more.
His plan has worked out well for him.
Thinking about it now, he realizes that maybe his way of thinking back then was a bit cold and manipulative, but at least he doesn’t have to do it anymore. He’d managed to establish himself among the people he knew as a funny guy with a good voice, and so friends talked to people and people talked to important people and now, he’s finally debuting. There’s no need to go any further.
And being a trainee wasn’t as cutthroat as he figured it would be - Sehun has been a funny guy since Baekhyun met him and Yixing is as kind as always, even though he seems to enjoy roughhousing. All of the members of the group he’s about to debut in are people he has met. Not all of them are people he can call friends, though. Yet.
They are told their rooming arrangements as Exo-K when another month passes, and there is something about being Chanyeol’s roommate that makes Baekhyun excited in an odd way. Chanyeol’s not an enemy, but Baekhyun strives to be better than him and he’s always been told to keep his enemies closer. This one-sided rivalry is making him try harder. It’s a healthy thing.
Eleven months, and Baekhyun’s internal counter resets itself because it’s their first day on stage.
He’s pretty sure that a story about two boys sharing a tiny dorm bathroom is enough to make him shine in the audience’s eyes, and he can’t help a grin when the crowd shrieks. He keeps going. Pretends he’s in a commercial. He keeps going. Moves his hands and lips and eyes in a planned motion that makes the fans react and they do, they do, they do.
He starts to keep score, and mentally, he gives himself a point and wonders if he’s winning.
“I love...” And Baekhyun’s words freeze in the middle of his sentence, hard blocks in his throat. Instinctively, he turns to look at Chanyeol for direction or confirmation or just something to follow, and he wants to smack himself for doing it. It’s just fanservice. Why is it so hard?
He’s probably not winning if he can’t do something without Chanyeol doing it as well.
“We love you,” Chanyeol finishes, not even looking back. He smiles and waves at the cameras, and Baekhyun does so as well, telling himself not to do it again.
“Now, MBLAQ’s Lee Joon is here as well, as an emcee. Are there any particular singers you want to be like?”
The moment Joonmyun says ‘our company’s seniors’, apparently not taking the emcee's hint and being totally oblivious to everyone's awkward smiles, Baekhyun shoots his gaze away from their leader’s face and tries not to wince.
Joon takes it with a laugh. “I decided to be a singer after watching SHINee, too!”
While the hosts and the other members are chuckling stiffly, Chanyeol adds, “For me, though, it was after I watched one of MBLAQ’s performances.” He tacks a grin and a bow at the end and Joon laughs a bit better.
Baekhyun mentally apologizes to Joonmyun before giving Chanyeol a point.
Chanyeol may have the upper hand when it comes to height and looks and humor and speaking well, but there's one thing Baekhyun's sure he does better that isn't singing.
"You know," he begins, panting out a chuckle while reaching for his water bottle. "The one who told me that something's wrong when Joonmyun hyung dances better than you... is you."
The response he expects is something along the lines of their old, teasing conversations, maybe a sheepish laugh or one of Chanyeol’s usual grins, but clouding the other man’s expression is something Baekhyun can’t put his finger on. Three months since debut and fourteen months being Chanyeol’s friend, and Baekhyun’s pretty sure he hasn’t seen this expression on Chanyeol’s face before.
“Sorry,” Chanyeol says, blankly staring at his palm. “It’s just...” His lips tighten and he stretches each of his joints, rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck and bending his knees. When he’s done, he stands straight and looks at Baekhyun with no emotion whatsoever, and Baekhyun wonders if he’s supposed to be laughing.
He decides to hand Chanyeol’s water bottle to him. “You know, if you’re really tired, I’m sure the others wouldn’t mind having a break too.”
Chanyeol says a small thanks but doesn’t make any move to drink. Then, almost painful to look at, his cheeks creak upward into a smile. “Nah, we have to practice hard - this is for our fans in London, after all!”
Baekhyun just bites the inside of his cheek and smiles. “Yeah.”
Their water break ends, but then their manager calls out Chanyeol for apparently moving like a drunkard and dance practice ends quickly. Baekhyun has a victory in this area, but it’s a bit sour.
During their performance, though -
Baekhyun tries not to smile because this a serious song with a serious dance, but he can’t not do it. He grins and sings and dares to stretch his arms more, puts even more of himself into performing, because the fans are singing along with them and drowning all six of them in the sound. Everything feels great. Everything is a sea of bright green.
He finds himself looking at Chanyeol every once in a while, trying to silently say ‘we’re here, we’re finally here.’ And on one occasion, Chanyeol looks back and grins with that dumb wink again, and Baekhyun almost laughs out loud right there. It really does make him look like a drunkard.
Then again, all six of them are a bit high right now, on all the lights and sounds of the crowd, and he remembers that the only thing that can possibly make this better is if all twelve of Exo is there. And if they could stop grinning so much to match the mood of the song.
But for now, this is more than enough.
He remembers a half-completed sentence from an interview long ago, so he says it completely today, grinning into the mic. “We love London!”
This time, it’s Chanyeol who first looks at him before following with a yell. “We love you!”
Baekhyun gives himself another point, but starts forgetting the tally because it doesn’t really matter anymore. Each of them shine in their own ways, after all, and they shine even brighter as one.
So they keep going.
A year and a half after their debut, and Baekhyun changes his mind again because Chanyeol shines brighter than the rest of them.
They’ve all settled into their roles by now, and neither Baekhyn nor Chanyeol are the golden child of the group because that’s Jongin. Neither of them are the most popular because all six of them are pretty equal in popularity, and neither of them are spectacularly talented among idols. But Chanyeol’s shine isn’t in things like those.
Baekhyun finds that it’s in the way Chanyeol smiles when they find out that he has a degenerative brain disorder.
It’s not too bad, the doctor says, since they got to diagnose it very early in its development. But. Degenerative. A slow loss. Baekhyun never noticed.
There's no dramatic sobbing; just an unfillable silence and their manager burying his face in his hands. "There's a cure, right?"
"There is," the doctor says.
Baekhyun lets out a heavy, trembling breath, throat feeling a bit less choked, and Chanyeol looks at him with a grin.
"It's a relatively new kind of treatment, though - stem cell treatment. They grow new neurons to replace your old, damaged ones." The doctor flips through some kind of directory and points out something on a page, and everyone leans over. Kyungsoo lays a trembling hand on Joonmyun's shoulder for support. "It's only being practiced in a few countries, though."
Baekhyun's eyes catch a few words, 'implant' and 'rehabilitation' and 'success rate', and he forces his gaze to stop there.
Now what?
Chanyeol's not allowed to have schedules anymore.
Their manager insists on keeping Chanyeol in their dorm like he's a secret, but he's not because he’s Chanyeol. He's more important than Baekhyun, since Kyungsoo can cover for him, but Jongin dances more than he raps and Sehun’s still wearing his retainers and Joonmyun needs someone who can carry a conversation and not fill it with PR lines. All roles filled by Chanyeol.
Baekhyun remembers giving himself a point because Chanyeol had tripped over his own feet, but now wishes he had never started keeping count.
“You’re leaving in a week?”
A grin twitches its way onto Chanyeol’s face. “I’ll bring souvenirs, promise! The company moves fast, doesn’t it? Barely half a week since I was diagnosed and I already have a room reserved for me in a hospital waaaaay over at Scotland. I’m in room 320, manager says, and the view of the - “
Chanyeol has to stay. He has to stay. But he has to leave, too, and Baekhyun finds himself remembering a half-completed sentence again and he frantically thinks, what if Chanyeol wasn’t there, back then? What if he wasn’t there when Baekhyun was forced to act cute? Everything starts turning into a disaster because it's all Baekhyun on his own, and he needs this conversation to end.
“Okay,” he blurts out, hands fisted in his pockets.
For a moment, no one speaks.
Then Chanyeol continues, voice softer. “You know, Sehun’s decided to treat all six of us to bubble tea with all the discounts he’s earned. I think he’s trying to pay us back for essentially forcing ourselves to treat him to beef when he was being bbuing-bbuing-happy.” He smiles again, easily, and says, “Don’t tell me you forgot that we’re having our bubble tea movie night soon! Have you even showered?”
Baekhyun likes this conversation more than the older one, and he tries to chuckle, stretching to a stand. “You sound like Kyungsoo!”
Chanyeol widens his eyes comically and repeats his last line, and Baekhyun laughs a bit harder, walking to their shared bedroom down the hall to get his clothes. “Don’t take too long,” Chanyeol calls after.
Baekhyun grins and nods from the bedroom’s doorway.
Once he’s in it, though, he leans his forehead against the wall and just stares at the plaster. He can barely tell his stuff apart from Chanyeol’s anymore - neither one of them can leave without bringing everything in this room. If Chanyeol leaves, what’ll be left?
He thinks to ask Sehun for long-distance relationship advice, half-serious and half-poking-for-fun, but it feels just as odd as the fact that the youngest of their group is the one who had just treated them all to something.
And the fact that he had just equated his and Chanyeol’s about-to-turn-long-distance friendship to a long-distance relationship in the first place.
He almost spits his bubble tea all over the only sofa in their dorm and Chanyeol flails. “I sleep on that!" Grinning, he then adds, “I wouldn’t be, though, if only someone doesn’t turn up the heater all the time!”
After a moment to compose himself, Baekhyun smiles. He thinks to make a cheeky, little joke but before he realizes, his mouth is already moving and saying, "I won’t turn on the heater in the bedroom this week, promise."
This week.
Chanyeol's grin dampens, but it stays as he sinks back into the recliner. “Ah, okay.” His fingers fidget around his cup of wintermelon milk tea. “Thanks.”
As the movie drags on, each of the members start to fall asleep, and Baekhyun vaguely remembers Chanyeol still wide awake, eyes alert and looking at every inch of the living room. Trying to soak up each detail, memorizing the way the rest of the members instinctively curl up into each other for warmth. Meeting Baekhyun’s sleepy gaze.
He grins with his usual wink-twitch and Baekhyun turns around, pulling a blanket he hadn’t realized was even on him up to cover his face.
They have only one week.
Monday is a rainy day.
“I wanna go out,” Chanyeol says, staring longingly out the window. His limbs are spread over the floor like a sad starfish imitation and Baekhyun hands him a pillow, because even if the floor is polished, it’s still hard, painful wood.
Chanyeol slips the cushion beneath his head with a drowsy smile.
On the couch, Joonmyun is comfortably stretched out, a large pillow covering his face and torso. “We can probably go out later in the week, if you want.”
And Baekhyun feels like he really needs to do something, so. “Let’s go? Right now." He stands, displacing all the throw pillows that had been piled on him, and pulls a random jacket off the floor. “It’s night, so it’s okay.”
"Can't," Joonmyun replies with a yawn. He curls up into a ball on the sofa and continues speaking with his eyes closed. "Have to ask manager."
“My jacket,” Chanyeol mumbles, arm stretched towards the ceiling.
Baekhyun properly looks at the piece of clothing he's already slipped on and, upon noticing the green camouflage print, hands it over. He then stands in the living room with no idea what to do, nursing an odd feeling of needing to do something but wanting to just sleep.
The jacket ends up spread over Chanyeo’s torso like an upper-body blanket. “It’s cold,” Chanyeol says, trying to snuggle into it.
Sehun starts piling the throw pillows all over Chanyeol’s entire being.
With a pleading look from Jongin, Kyungsoo stands up with a sigh. “Could at least one of you help me bring the hot cocoa here, this time? Six mugs..." He trails off, hands dramatically spread open, and Joonmyun stands up while rubbing his eyes. He looks half-awake as he walks into the kitchen after Kyungsoo.
How a yearning for chocolate drinks equates Jongin's gaze is a mystery.
Suddenly feeling cozy, Baekhyun sits back down on the floor and waits for his mug of cocoa. They can go out tomorrow.
Tuesday’s the complete opposite, in terms of weather. It’s the sweltering kind of sunny that gives the impression of living in a microwave and forces you to spend the day next to an electric fan.
Jongin and Sehun are out practicing a number with the rest of the company’s dancers, so Chanyeol immediately leaps at the chance to finally win one of their group’s usual games.
But since their two youngest members aren’t here...
Once the cans of beer are in the center of their four-person circle, Chanyeol sits down and immediately begins with a grin. “Never have I ever worn a hat with a plaid pattern.”
Coolly and smoothly, Joonmyun pops open one of the cans and gulps down half of it. Kyungsoo sends a wide-eyed stare in his direction and Baekhyun and Chanyeol simultaneously cheer, letting out an ‘oooh’ interspersed with laughs.
“Well,” Joonmyun begins. He smiles warningly and Baekhyun already knows to reach for one of the cans. “Never have I ever... worn a hoodie in public after debut.”
Kyungsoo yelps out a ‘really?!’ and Baekhyun pushes a can towards him, having already drunk his share.
Then it’s Baekyun’s turn. “Never have I ever...” He glances towards Chanyeol, who is biting his lip in an attempt not to laugh, and then to Joonmyun and Kyungsoo with a small, triumphant dance. “...worn a bowtie after debut!”
Joonmyun and Kyungsoo finish their first cans of beer, and Baekhyun and Chanyeol share a look.
A half hour or two later, Chanyeol and Baekhyun finally accomplish dumping both Joonmyun and Kyungsoo onto the closest bed, and Baekhyun laughs uncontrollably while rearranging their limbs to make their sleeping positions incredibly interesting. Chanyeol’s busy taking a video in the background and providing a half-coherent narration.
Early Wednesday, Joonmyun’s and Kyungsoo’s personal spaces grow so awkwardly shaped that they’ve decided to banish themselves from the dorm and be completely away from each other.
They’ve split up into two teams: Joonmyun, Chanyeol and Sehun are walking Jjanggu, and Kyungsoo, Baekhyun and Jongin are walking Monggu. The park they’ve chosen is big enough that getting Kyungsoo and Joonmyun to look for each other won’t be easy, but small enough to make the two of them a bit paranoid.
Monggu quietly struts next to Jongin’s feet.
“It’s probably not that bad,” Baekhyun says, patting Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “Sometimes your arms just flail around while you sleep and... yeah, weird places. You guys didn’t do it on purpose.”
“A decimeter.” Kyungsoo abruptly stops walking and Monggu sits in front of him, looking up curiously as Kyungsoo hides in his hands. “Our faces were a decimeter away from each other.”
They hear a wild barking in the distance and Kyungsoo completely freezes up as Jjanggu vaults over, tangling itself around Jongin’s ankles. Chanyeol bounds after it, but then his feet jumble this way and that he nearly smashes his face into the floor, desperately yelling after Jongin’s more hyperactive dog.
Baekhyun laughs into a fist as Chanyeol comes to a stand next to him.
“Man,” Chanyeol begins, panting. “I thought Jjanggu was gonna disappear somewhere and get lost!” But then he straightens his posture and, leaning towards Baekhyun’s ear, he loudly whispers, “Joonmyun told us everything!”
Kyungsoo sends a judging stare in their direction and Baekhyun pulls Chanyeol closer with a hushed ‘whisper softer!’
Voice low, Baekhyun then replies. “Should we do something?”
Chanyeol shakes his head. “Joonmyun says to just let them sort it out.”
“Eh, okay.” Baekhyun tilts his head and cocks an eyebrow, but doesn't say anything else.
As they pull away from each other, Baekyun internally estimates the distance between him and Chanyeol and sees half a decimeter. He doesn’t see the problem.
Thursday, Joonmyun and Kyungsoo are gone.
“Probably on an apology date,” Baekhyun says, fingers busily pressing buttons on a controller.
Chanyeol snorts from behind him, but then the sound gets strangled halfway by Baekhyun almost ramming his in-game car into a pole and Chanyeol exclaiming, “You’re kinda bad at this!”
Sitting next to Jongin, Sehun adds, “I hope they’re buying apples. The thing Kyungsoo does with the apple boxes is cool.”
Jongin stops, sets his controller down on the floor, and places a hand on his forehead, face wrinkled in some kind of misery.
“Quick,” Chanyeol says, grabbing Baekhyun’s controller. “Switch, switch!”
Baekhyun gives up his spot but then Chanyeol suddenly accelerates into a lake, so Jongin wins by default.
“I miss the time when you were incapable of playing video games,” Baekhyun says, some minutes after Jongin’s victory. He hands Jongin his prize of ice cream and stares at his own wallet forlornly.
“I’m still bad at them.” Jongin bites into the popsicle and smiles. “You guys just got worse?”
Sehun’s elbow prods his side.
“Hey!” Chanyeol sticks out his tongue and grins, opening a bag of chips. “Not my fault I can’t control my muscles well!”
They all freeze.
With a sigh, Chanyeol slings an arm over Baekhyun’s and Sehun’s shoulders. “Come on, it’s curable! Just treat me like how you guys normally do.” He smiles and, starting to rock side to side, says, “I’ll come back quickly, I swear. It’s... It’s just like a cold anyway.” His hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder jerks, as if in protest. “Just several times worse.”
A cold.
Chanyeol grins again and really, Baekhyun just can’t understand how.
They have a schedule on Friday, so Chanyeol ends up alone at their dorm again.
Baekhyun constantly catches himself waiting for a cue that doesn’t come, a deep laughter that means for him to laugh too, or the voice that tells him hey, why don’t we do this? A heart for our fans? Let’s do something funny on the count of three. Why don’t we...
“Baekhyun?”
Kyungsoo taps his shoulder and Baekhyun jolts, fumbling for his words in an attempt to reply.
The small farewell party is on Saturday.
It’s right after five members of Exo-K have a variety show filming, and they're all tired and sleepy but they drop by a cake shop anyway. They pick out the decorations for a mango chocolate cake, and the icing ends up littered with giraffes and trees made entirely of sugar and birds that are draped with orange cream, since the cake shop doesn’t have any phoenix figurines.
They end up arriving at their dorm a bit later as a result, but when Chanyeol immediately bounces from the couch with a grin, they know that it's worth it. Chanyeol is quick to say that of course mango chocolate cake is his favorite, and whether he’s just being nice or not, the cake really does taste great anyway. They end up finishing it overnight, playing games as they usually do.
But still, they all end up sleeping early, except for Chanyeol. Like how it's always been, nowadays.
They never got to properly go out together.
Baekhyun can’t sleep either because Chanyeol is busy packing up, opening and closing drawers and their closet and his bags. The air starts feeling cooler and cooler as well.
After a few minutes and the final clinks of zippers, Chanyeol rolls into the lower bunk and everything falls silent. With Chanyeol, though, the quiet never really lasts for long.
“Baekhyun?” he whispers.
Not moving an inch on the upper bunk, Baekhyun replies. “Yeah?”
When Chanyeol takes in an unnaturally deep breath, Baekhyun knows what it means and chuckles, quiet and tired. “Don’t start another goodbye speech.” He curls up into a ball because he feels like he’s heavy and shivering, like his words are. “I mean, you’re coming back as soon as you can, right? So.” He gulps. “We’ll stay here. And then we’ll do our best, so that when you come back, it’s like you never left. And you’ll never actually leave anyway, since we’re... we’re one, right?”
The lower bunk creaks and shifts. “Thanks.” Chanyeol inhales again, a small breath this time. “But it’s not that. I - ” Chanyeol starts chuckling, a bit frantic, and says, “This is going to sound funny, but.” He exhales. “I’m scared.”
Baekhyun closes his eyes.
“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol calls, voice soft and shaky and not sounding like Chanyeol at all. “I’m really scared.”
Something suddenly comes to Baekhyun's mind: a two-digit number he saw a long time ago, even if he didn't want to. It started with a three.
Success rate.
His throat is collapsing, but the words just spill out like water. “Me too.”
Sunday.
When Baekhyun gets up, half the room is empty.
Footsteps are echoing from the front doorway, and once Baekhyun manages to drag himself over, he sees all the other members helping Chanyeol with his baggage and Chanyeol himself just standing outside, soaking up the cityscape. Baekhyun hasn’t seen Chanyeol outdoors in a while and the sunlight hits Chanyeol perfectly, practically making him shine.
A far-off thought tells Baekhyun that he has lost, but then Chanyeol starts turning to leave and Baekhyun finds himself reaching forward to hold onto Chanyeol’s jacket, eyes wide and mouth wanting to form words but not finding any.
“Ah - Baekhyun! You’re awake!” Chanyeol smiles again, and it’s a bit subdued. “I didn’t want to wake you since you were all so tired yesterday, but since you’re finally up, why don’t you come to the airport, too? The others said they wanted to see me off, so.” He grips on Baekhyun’s sleeve as well and tugs, expression turning cheeky, but -
“Chanyeol,” Baekyun breathes out. It’s all his throat can manage.
His fingers turn limp and then he lets go.
There’s a vapor trail in the sky and maybe, just maybe, the plane it’s following is Chanyeol’s.
Baekhyun hates his tears, each drop angry and lost. Hates himself for not seeing Chanyeol off. Doesn’t hate Chanyeol for trying so hard but wants to for the exact same reason, because now, there’s a hole in their group’s symmetry, and eleven pairs of hands are scrabbling to cover it up. But Baekhyun can never hate him, even though eleven is not an even number and never will be.
(Ten, however, is.)
They’re filming a show, and the cue Baekhyun’s waiting for never comes. He tries to smile and joke and it works sometimes, but in the end, Baekhyun is still waiting.
He tries telling himself to stop waiting, too, but that is one thing he knows will never work.
Joonmyun calls him to the dining room, and when Kyungsoo hurriedly shuts the door the moment Baekhyun enters, Baekhyun already knows what this is about.
“Sorry,” he says, staring at the mug in front of him.
“I understand,” Joonmyun replies. He takes a small sip from his own mug. “Do you remember what you told Chanyeol, though? The night before he left?”
Slowly, Baekhyun looks up and meets Joonmyun’s eyes, throat going dry. “He told you?”
Joonmyun nods. “During the trip to the airport.” A small smile appears on his face as he says, “He seemed really happy and proud, talking about it.”
“Ah.” Baekhyun drops his gaze back to his mug and swallows, closing his eyes.
“Aw, see - how will we keep things unchanged if you always seem sad during shows, now?” Joonmyun places his hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder. “It’s all about motivation,” he says. “If you really want something like, say, making sure that when Chanyeol comes back, we'll be doing as well as we're doing now, then do all you can for it!” He smiles and, with a few pats on Baekhyun’s shoulder, leaves with his mug, calling out, “Just something to think about while waiting for dinner!”
The minutes after, Baekhyun stays on his seat, all alone with the numbers echoing in his head. Eleven isn't even, but ten is.
So he decides not to wait anymore.
He’ll go.
He drowns himself in work and keeps going, going, going.
It takes a while for him to notice, but eventually, he learns to stop waiting and learns to smile, even when he’s on his own. It's not as easy as before, but it’s progress.
(He makes his own bank account, one he’s sure his manager’s not aware of, and deposits small amounts there. From his role in a musical. From hosting a show. From being a permanent guest on another.
It doesn’t take too long to save up for a flight, and it’s not a short time, either.
But it’s coming closer.)
He doesn’t tell anyone what he’s been thinking about, and no one asks. But maybe he accidentally lets it slip a bit when he ends up staring at a fire too long and all he sees in it is Chanyeol and his ugly hair and his bright, bright grin. The other members don’t let their sympathetic gazes linger too long but Jongin is as sharp as he’s always been, watching long enough to see Baekhyun open his wallet to check if his passport’s still tucked in it.
So Jongin tells Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo wakes Baekhyun up in the middle of the night, holding a lidded, plastic bowl and the ticket Baekhyun was sure he had hidden under the bed. Baekhyun’s brain jolts awake and he shoots to his feet, mouth already open and ready to spew out excuses, but Kyungsoo shushes him and plops the bowl down onto Baekhyun’s palms.
“Don’t miss your flight,” he whispers hurriedly, staring at the dark, two-in-the-morning air next to Baekhyun’s sock-covered feet. “Eat the pasta in three hours or it’ll go bad, and.” He gulps, looks up, and his eyes are wide and shimmering as he says, “We’ll hold, here, until you guys come back. Just. Say hi to Chanyeol for all of us, alright?”
He ends with a small, wobbly smile, and Baekhyun hugs him, legs shaking and lungs choking with a weird urge to laugh.
The journey is long.
But several hours are just small specks of time, especially next to a year and a half’s worth of work and change, of anticipation, of something which makes Baekhyun’s spine tingle when he draws closer and closer and finally, finally, he is here, standing in a clean, white corridor. In front of Room 320.
With a hand on the doorknob, he feels like a firefly again, a small wisp of light compared to a much more luminescent glow. But he’s sure that he’s brighter, now, compared to how he was all those years ago. He’s a star now, like the others in their company. Like Chanyeol, who is the brightest of the twelve of them.
And, like always -
When Baekhyun opens the door, Chanyeol’s head whips around to face him, and even though both of their eyes are probably glimmering and drowning by now, Chanyeol’s face is split in a grin.
He shines as bright as always.
Now, though, the one who takes the steps forward is Baekhyun, and he wraps his arms around Chanyeol’s shoulders with his own smile. If, back then, the one who guided him along was Chanyeol, then...
“My turn,” Baekhyun says, holding Chanyeol just a bit tighter.
He stays put when Chanyeol starts to simultaneously laugh and cry, and through a running nose, Chanyeol says, “Your t-turn to treat me during my birthday, right?”
Baekhyun laughs as well, closing his eyes. “Yeah, that too.”
Four years since debut, five since joining the company, and Baekhyun’s internal counter resets again. It’s his first day in this new life.
He’s trying to remember what Chanyeol’s favorite cake is.
[FANACCOUNT] 161120 Exo Recording @ Music Bank
Baekhyun was also gone today!!! What’s happening to our boys TT TT But there’s a good ending!
Fans got noisy and chaotic, interrupting Exo-K+Xiumin’s recording (I think Xiumin is just temporarily performing with them?), so Exo-M started to walk onstage too. Kris said that Exo is still one no matter what, and Chen quoted their Mama music video part in English about different skies and same grounds but said it wrong, so Kris corrected him and made everyone laugh a bit.
Suho said that all twelve members will be united again for sure, but then he was starting to get teary-eyed, and then Tao started to cry, so all the members hugged each other <3 (Kai and Kris looked awkward though lol)
The fans started cheering ‘Exo! Exo!’, and all the boys looked really touched. Suho said something about how happy Baekhyun and Chanyeol would be if they saw (I think? Sorry, was too busy cheering too rofl). Tao then said something to the others, not sure what exactly, but I think he mouthed something about a ‘video message’? Then the boys talked a bit.
Someone (sounded like Sehun?) whispered ‘But Baekhyun’s in Scotland, how will he see?’ Probably didn’t remove his mic and forgot that it was on, so everyone heard... Isn’t Scotland where Chanyeol went?
[FANACCOUNT] 161127 BaekYeol at Glasgow?
Am I going crazy? Near the hospital at Linthouse, I saw two people who looked exactly like Baekhyun and Chanyeol eating at a cake shop! I think they were eating some mango chocolate cake slices...
fin!
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