dreaming of screaming
Private.
I don't know where the fuck to begin.
Maybe I should start with the fact that Dylan is finally dating Hannah Montana. Things have neatly fallen into place with Miley being at our house all the time. Chatting with dad. Harassing Bubba and hugging me like I'm a little brother or something. Smiling at me like little darts of encouragement when she thinks she can hit a bullseye. Insisting we watch tv together with her legs sliding across Dylan's lap while I play Cooking Mama on my DS and pretend to pay attention.
I appreciate it, I really do, but I'm unsettled at the same time. She knows things and I can't shake the feeling that if I cross her all this could unwind and I - no one wants that.
At the very least you would think that Miley would get tired of tossing M&Ms into Dylan's mouth, but guess not. They've been laughing hysterically for almost an hour. I like that Miley feels like she doesn't need to grow up so fast when with Dylan. People grow up too fast.
Maybe I should start with now we're done filming and my days are mostly school. Press related things. Video games. Normal this, normal that. I just got out of school and am thinking about starting homework, but we have meetings later this afternoon. It all seems so boring now. There's no excitement left. Maybe it's just because I'm in a bad mood. I don't know.
Maybe it's just that I can't get the way Aly looked at me the other day when she stumbled into Raviv's apartment. I'll never be able to shake it. She was mad, she was hurt, and I think she was like... triumphant. She disarmed me and I know she did the same to Raviv, oh god, but we could have been doing anything the moment she walked in and it would have been the same. We could have been playing Parcheesi and her eyes would have narrowed and she would have called Raviv a liar. She made me feel like I wanted to throw up with that one look. How did she do it?
All I know is that she could hold this over us forever. All I know is that I'll never forget the venom in her voice. All I know is that I feel terrible for Raviv and for Aly and and their suffering and pain and shit.
This is like, it's like my fault. That he broke up with her. That we - and there isn't even a we, it's just me and Raviv and hanging out and watching movies and getting high - that we're as close as we are.
Part of me wants to believe this is nothing, but Raviv broke up with her just as we got closer. Just after we kissed and he admitted things and I admitted things. He somehow realized it wasn't working with Aly and he can phrase it whatever way he wants but there's hard facts and there's truth and there was me coming into his life and changing things. Ruining his relationships even though Aly doesn't deserve an ounce of respect be nice.
Ultimately it's my fault.
But Raviv's arms around me, his hand touching my face, the way he kisses me and the way we talk about anything and everything make me feel less and less guilty every time.
But Aly knows. Aly could tell about this scandal and the barriers and issues, and maybe Raviv wouldn't care. But I'm not ready for that.
This is where it ends. Maybe I'll log into WOW or something.
Maybe I'll go hang out with Dylan and Miley and avoid rogue M&Ms. Maybe I'll invite Maya over?
//Private.
R.
I'm sorry I fell asleep during the Lion King. I know I missed the best part and I feel shamed enough as it is.
Maya.
I came up with some new ideas regarding our potential Superhero movie. I know you're interested.
John Updike, this famous author, died on Tuesday. He was like 75 I think. It always is sad when someone died but I know it's not that big of a deal to me besides the fact that I like one of his stories. I read it last year flipping through a textbook and I found it. I think it's worth a read, maybe even just to pay respects. A&P. Tell me what you think.
In other news I've been fiddling around with Garage Band so much that I've been taking my mac with me everywhere I go. I downloaded all the additional instruments but I love that I can record stuff too. This is so cool.
Kings of Appletown is being released soon. Eh.