[Fic] Someday

[coley_merrin]

Title: Someday
Pairing: Suho/Kai
Rating: R
Genre: AU, fluff
Warnings: sexual situations

Request prompt: Tsundere Kai with in-love Suho. Suho trying to leave Kai alone and seeing other people. Kai realising he must overcome his feelings.



***

Jongin.

Joonmyun's first impression of him hadn't been his height, but the way that his hair had been coifed just so on the first day he'd come to work. Joonmyun hadn't been involved in his transfer, so their new temporary worker in the next office had been a mystery right up until the introductions. A calm face, almost shy demeanor it had seemed at first. Jongin had bowed at him, his body stiff. Joonmyun was both his elder, and senior in the company. But not his boss, there was that. Jongin had been nothing but an additional puzzle piece to get their work done. He'd been begging - and that wasn't too fine a term for it - to hire someone to upgrade their systems and make sure they could continue working without one of the computers croaking like the last dinosaur before extinction. And if by hire, he meant steal from another department. Having an extra set of hands would be an asset as well.

So Joonmyun was pleased.

Jongin's eyes were dark. And he knew how ridiculous that sounded in an office where their eyes were all shades of brown. But he'd caught Jongin one day in the midst of cleaning up one of their most decrepit computers. Dark and focused eyes under frowning eyebrows, as he blew compressed air into the open case.

"Doctor, can it be saved?" he asked lightly, stepping closer.

Jongin seemed to stare at his knees for a moment before glancing up at him. "I don't think it's been cleaned since the last ice age, but it still has solid components."

"I just checked the tracking on the RAM we opened a vein for, and it should be here tomorrow."

"Great, thanks," Jongin said, and continued to work.

Joonmyun pondered staying, trying to get Jongin to talk to him, but he knew some people didn't like to be bothered while they worked. For a harmonious office, he really had to respect all those personality types. He wondered, though, if Jongin made friends easily.

He kept an eye out to see if Jongin was being talked to, or included. A group outing couldn't hurt, he thought.

***

He fell in increments.

Jongin's smile.

It had been unleashed out of its polite form at Sehun, and Joonmyun had been glad for the door from behind his back as he sagged. It took Jongin's face from sober, to damn near blinding. It wasn't even directed at him, which was both problem, and help.

And Kyungsoo saw, which made his heart take a left turn. But it was Kyungsoo.

"What was that look you were sending him?" Kyungsoo teased, cornering Joonmyun in his office. "Crush on the computer guy?"

"What? No."

Though the fact that Joonmyun wouldn't meet his eyes was clearly proof enough. Kyungsoo knew him too well, and it made him scowl as Kyungsoo laughed.

"He is cute. He was working on my computer yesterday, telling me about where he'd been working before."

Ah, so Jongin did talk while he worked sometimes. Perhaps it had just been the day, or maybe he just wasn't comfortable around Joonmyun yet.

"What do you think of us all going out, helping him get to know everyone?" Joonmyun asked. By everyone, he didn't exactly mean himself, though he'd have been lying if he'd have said that wasn't part of it. Jongin intrigued him, and he was attractive, smart, and talented.

Totally off limits. There was that, too.

But everyone seemed to think getting out of the office together was a great idea.

***

Seeing Jongin in casual clothes wasn't really supposed to be tipping his fascination one way or another. He'd had any number of tiny crushes on his coworkers in the past, little infatuations. None of them had come with walking into a bowling alley only to see Jongin grinning at Baekhyun, and having his heart swerve and start taking out light poles. Sanity was starting to go dark. It was good. Let everyone get to know Jongin, get him comfortable, make him feel wanted. Kyungsoo was being organizer, but Joonmyun was taking orders for what everyone wanted to drink. First round came out of their office party budget, since everyone was paying their own way to bowl. He smiled, and it wasn't a hopeful or a seductive smile as Jongin told him what he wanted.

But when he brought back Jongin's drink, and he very carefully took it instead of Kyungsoo, he was expecting something. Maybe a smile like Baekhyun had gotten.

Jongin looked him in the eye, and his lips turned up, and he went back to his conversation with just a word of thanks, and not the conversation opener Joonmyun had been hoping for.

He felt like he was in third grade getting his note turned away in class.

But when Joonmyun caught Jongin's eyes after Joonmyun got his first - okay, only - strike of the night, he felt like he was flying.

***

Joonmyun had meant for Jongin to be more secure, not to sink himself deeper. It seemed like his plan had worked on one front, because Jongin was spending time with people in the office, and seemed friendlier. A bit more settled, even when he was talking to Joonmyun.

It was when Jongin came into his office to fix Joonmyun's computer, that things crystalized. He'd been on the schedule for a week, knew down to the half day when Jongin would be commandeering his office. He'd already set up a temporary station in a corner, so Jongin could work unimpeded.

He knew Jongin was single. He knew Jongin dated men. Focused, passionate about his work, bringing others up to his level.

"I hope I won't be interrupting, staying in here."

"Not as long as you're not trying to work on the computer at the same time I am," Jongin quipped, getting everything unplugged. And there were a few moments of silence, before Jongin asked, "Do you work on your personal computers?"

"Sometimes. If it's just something simple like RAM, or the fan, or a power supply, I can generally do that. When the software gets screwed sideways, that's when I start having problems."

Jongin's laugh was soft, and mostly hidden as he leaned over. "Yeah, I find that to be pretty true. Though some guys can't figure out things like how to resize their screen. Hey, do you play "Twister" with your computer cords?"

"No," Joonmyun said, and wasn't insulted even as he got up to go take a look. He knew how it was with cords. One second they were perfectly in order, and the next they were more tightly braided together than a noose.

He dropped into a crouch, his knee brushing Jongin's, as they considered the anaconda-like mass of computer cords winding under his desk.

"That is not my fault," Joonmyun said. "It's a desktop computer. I'm not trying to knit the cords for fun after hours."

"A potholder made of cords. That'd be bad. Melt all over your fingers, and poky."

"You'd need a potholder for your potholder," Joonmyun mused.

"Yeah," Jongin grunted, and lifted the case up to the desk. It took just a couple of twists before Jongin had it open, and they could see the grimy guts that was the computer he poured his soul into. His work soul, anyway. He tried not to focus on the dark swath of Jongin's watch on his wrist, and how much he wanted to span that arm with his own fingers. Or possibly feel Jongin pressed against him, and press Jongin's hair back from his forehead, and kiss until they were both moaning.

He couldn't help the silly expression on his face, because he was busy trying to stuff down fantasies. A smile crossed with a bit of mental pain and embarrassment.

"This is gross," Jongin said, swiping at dust with a finger. He glanced at Joonmyun, startled since he was still staring at Jongin's face, and raised his eyebrows. "Do you ever not smile at something?"

Well, right then, his smile slid because he was thinking, and because he was confused. Sure, people had pointed out that he smiled a lot to him before. It was a bit like pointing out that someone smelled good. It usually came somewhere between criticism and compliment, and he wasn't quite sure how to take it from Jongin.

But Jongin noticed. Jongin noticed.

"Of course I don't smile at everything," he said, even though his mouth was twitching in spasms of delight that he was failing to contain. He settled for leaning coolly on the desk.

But Jongin made a sound as though he wasn't quite convinced.

"Someone kicking puppies makes me frown," he offered. "My apartment catching on fire. A deadline I don't think I can meet."

"Someone breaking your computer?" Jongin asked, miming as though he were going to punch the delicate components.

"I'd smile if it gets me a new one."

"Not worth the paperwork on my end," Jongin said mildly.

"People getting my hopes up and then not following through," Joonmyun added archly, and got another grin.

He wandered back so he could work on work of his own, and felt happier than he had in a while.

***

It kept happening. The little exchanges, Joonmyun's hopes rising as Jongin became more familiar with him. He felt like a teenager, cataloguing every word exchanged with his crush. A crush, he mentally also catalogued, who was racking up points in the uninterested category. He was waiting for the glimmer, the hint of interest.

Sitting with Jongin after work in some restaurant, not just them of course, but listening to Jongin talk about his hobbies, or problems with his family. He could only be then who he was to everyone, a listening ear, maybe handing out a bit of advice. Talking and trying not to feel Jongin's eyes on him.

And watching the days slip away until Jongin would switch departments, and take his surprise smiles, and dancing eyes, and long fingers away.

"You know, you don't have to keep making excuses to invite me out," Jongin said, and made Joonmyun's heart stop in his office one day. "I know I'm new and everything, but I'm okay."

Joonmyun began to breathe again.

"You guys can do whatever you did before I got here," Jongin continued. "I appreciate you trying to make me feel like I'm part of your team-"

"I'm not your boss," Joonmyun tried.

"I know you're not, but you cheerlead for everyone's projects. You're like a hummingbird checking in with people, which is great. I'm sure your boss appreciates it. So I get why you worry, and want to integrate the newcomer, but… Yeah. I'm okay. I don't feel left out."

Joonmyun was stumped. He wondered if Jongin would have felt left out if they hadn't made an effort. Hadn't tried to bring him along, learn more about him.

Jongin hadn't said it, but Joonmyun read under his words, as though the invitations were some kind of bother. He had his own life, own friends, probably even some from other departments. But he didn't really know what to say. An apology wasn't exactly appropriate.

"You're part of the team, however long you're here," Joonmyun said finally, after his brain became a gasping, dying fish on the side of a lake just trying to make sense.

Jongin sent him a smile, and exited with more suave that Joonmyun could handle.

***

He was glad that had happened on a Friday, so he could hijack Kyungsoo and pour out his troubles.

Kyungsoo was under the impression that everyone in the office knew that Joonmyun was carrying a tiny little torch for Jongin. Joonmyun had dismissed it as absurd and then obsessed over it for the entirety of a weekend. Subtle. He was so subtle.

"I'm not his boss," Joonmyun said. "He's not going to even be working with our department when he's done. There are no rules against that."

Kyungsoo hummed, which wasn't a very reassuring sound. It was his thinking sound, not the sound he made when he was implicitly agreeing. "Is he even interested?"

"I haven't asked. I don't think I should ask, until he's not working with us. Right?"

"Well, I mean… You can tell sometimes? When someone isn't interested. Does he try staying around you when you pass by? Seeking you out? Trying to keep you talking to him?"

Kyungsoo was meticulous in all ways, including tearing down his fantasy castles.

"No. But that's not the whole story? I mean, he is quiet. He could be shy. Some people hide around the people they like."

"And he's been hiding? That's usually just as noticeable as blatant interest."

Joonmyun scowled.

"I'm not trying to tell you he's not interested for sure, because I don't know," Kyungsoo said. "I haven't seen anything that points that way, but you really won't know unless you ask."

"I don't want to make it awkward," Joonmyun said. "I don't want to-"

"How far gone are you?"

The tug on his lips bordered on sulky. No, he definitely didn't smile at everything. "Pretty far. Far."

And he had Kyungsoo, who had the longest stable relationship out of all of them, frowning at him in sympathy.

"Maybe… Maybe I should try dating someone else. Or, someone I can actually date," Joonmyun said, voice a bit wry.

"Or at least check with him somehow. You shouldn't have to hang too long waiting or hurting yourself."

"Will you ask for me, like we're in third grade?"

Kyungsoo patted his shoulder, and got him another drink.

***

Instead of being transferred as they'd been expecting, management had seen fit to give Jongin a desk. Not where Joonmyun could see it, but near enough to make him antsy. Until such a time as space could be found for Jongin, he'd be in and out but their corner of the corporate wheel was going to be Jongin's base as well. All of Joonmyun's secret little dreams of pulling Jongin aside and asking him out for a drink on one of his last days faded. Or at least, got tucked back. And back further. He'd have to be explicit that it was not just friendly interest, not some misguided need to check in on Jongin like some mother bird after Jongin had left the nest. Jongin would've looked surprised, and maybe insinuated how cute he found Joonmyun in his reading glasses, and asked what took him so long.

It took two weeks for Kyungsoo to lob a piece of office paper at his head, in the privacy of his office.

They were supposed to be having a meeting, but Kyungsoo apparently wanted to get his point across, with the balled up note.

You are pining. The pine trees are wailing in sympathy.

"That doesn't even make sense," Joonmyun muttered. "It has nothing to do with trees."

"Seriously," Kyungsoo sighed. "You get this soft look, like you hope he'll look up and smile at you. And every staff meeting, you peek at him when you make a suggestion. And you smile every time he talks."

His stomach whirred in horror. He knew some of those things were true, and he knew Kyungsoo well enough that he'd tease, but not the extent of Joonmyun wanting to drown himself in the water cooler.

"Do you secretly have a crush on me? How do you even know all of this?"

Kyungsoo sighed again. "I don't have to see it. Because everyone sees it."

"And, what? Someone's filming a documentary?"

He was hurt, that someone hadn't clued him in that he was apparently leaking feelings everywhere.

"No. You got really good at hiding it for a while. You were professional and earnest, and you backed off trying to invent things to invite Jongin to. I was going to say something yesterday, but-"

"But?" Joonmyun asked, feeling a bit dangerous.

"I forgot. But today, I- Okay, Jongin was getting water, and he bent over, and you sighed, okay. You sighed, and at least three people saw it. Jongin didn't," Kyungsoo assured him, heading off that question before Joonmyun could pose it.

That hadn't been pining, per se. He grimaced.

"So everyone thinks I want to bang Jongin." And he rather said it sotto voce because he wasn't sure if the walls had ears at that point.

"Or that you possibly have a picture of him on your phone that you kiss." And Kyungsoo gave an embarrassed, apologetic laugh. "Sorry. It's gotten to that point. And you knew. I told you."

"But Jongin doesn't know."

Kyungsoo bit his lip, and Joonmyun gurgled. "Not unless he pays attention to how you talk to him. I mean, versus how you talk to everyone else."

Joonmyun laughed, because he had no idea what else to do. "I don't get it. I'm not even trying. I'm just trying to- I don't know. Get by."

"I know," Kyungsoo said, and he was regretful. He didn't want to be the bearer of bad news. It wasn't bad news, exactly. It just gave him a lot of things to think about.

***

Joonmyun decided on a plan of action. If Jongin was causing him to become a blob of jelly of unrequited desire or longing, then he needed a new target. He knew Kyungsoo was still of a mind that he should chuck the rule book and ask Jongin anyway, but he just had no idea how to. The want had become way larger than he'd expected when it had started out. He couldn't ask and be rebuffed with kindness, and walk away feeling un-maimed. And he couldn't just quit his job and go off to mope on a deserted island until he'd started healing.

But he tried to school himself, better than he had been. Maybe he'd been sort of peeking at Jongin before, or letting himself daydream, but no more. Or at least, less. They didn't speak, unless Jongin needed something from him. Even then, he tried to communicate by email instead of using the excuse to drop by Jongin's desk.

It took him two weeks, and granted he wasn't trying very hard, to get a date. That included a decent amount of networking and putting out feelers to see if anyone he knew, anyone he didn't work with, knew someone who might be interested.

For a blind date, he thought they'd keep it low key. Coffee, maybe walk around a bit after. Take care of some of his nervous energy. And it was something that he had to work himself up to be excited about. Though he heard great things about the guy, that he was good looking, smart. It took until he was actually getting dressed to go before he actually felt something other than dread. And he was not, absolutely not going to compare the guy to Jongin.

But the guy was shorter, and his mouth was thinner, and his voice was deeper. Not that a deep voice was a problem. And he was genuinely funny, and seemed like a nice guy. And interested in learning about Joonmyun as well, instead of just talking about himself.

But he kissed like a wet blanket. Not even wet, just…nothing.

And the guy seemed to have no idea that the sparks hadn't even fizzled as much as they had never started. He hadn't expected fireworks, but a little interest would've been nice.

It had been hard to keep smiling as they parted. Either he'd caused his fears to come true, or it just had happened that way. It didn't really matter which.

***

"How did your date go yesterday?" Kyungsoo asked at lunch, leaning around three people to ask Joonmyun.

Everyone swiveled their head to look at Joonmyun, who was trying not to narrow his eyes. Kyungsoo knew how the date had gone, because he'd been called right after it. So he was asking to flush out feelings on one side or the other, but Joonmyun had a feeling that he was only getting embarrassment from him, and not jealousy from Jongin.

"You had a date?"

"Ooh, with who?"

The chorus of questions had him very studiously considering his sandwich, and not looking at Jongin at all.

"It was a blind date. Not going to be repeated, though," he said. "Didn't click."

The rest of lunch was filled with stories of other blind date disasters, and Joonmyun's stomach finally calmed.

"I had a horrible blind date once," Jongin said, and the sound of his voice after his laughter and comments was like a sledgehammer to his spine. "Well, he was nice enough. But it was so…wet blanket."

Joonmyun should've been able to commiserate, since Jongin had used the same words he'd been thinking about his own experience. He smiled grimly around his straw, and wondered if Jongin would have found him just as disappointing.

***

They said once you fell off the horse, you had to get right back on. Something about fear and perseverance, and all that stuff. He'd never been on a horse, much less fallen off of one. He'd dated, broken up. Had his heart broken. Had great sex, and so-so sex, and lots of solo time. Crushes he couldn't return, and unrequited feelings of his own.

He didn't want to be stuck in the loop, and the worry.

He called in more favors, networked more friends. Damn near begged the universe. Surely there was just one guy out there who might be interested.

And added to that, his daily interactions with Jongin seemed to double. Instead of an email, Jongin was in his doorway with questions. Instead of a heart-thumping phone call, Jongin got up from his chair to stalk him on his way to someone else's office. It was painful, kind of painfully a reminder of what he was trying to work himself away from wanting. The way that Jongin stood, almost close enough to touch Joonmyun's elbow as he asked him about a project.

Or when Jongin had accidentally ended up next to him at lunch, despite Joonmyun's best efforts the past weeks to avoid just that. He was afraid he'd eaten with his head cocked at an angle just to avoid watching Jongin eat.

He flushed, but it wasn't with embarrassment or pleasure.

But the universe smiled on him in the form of Minseok, referred to him down a long line of acquaintances.

They shared a very nice getting-to-know-you meeting over coffee, and even if it hadn't ended in anything physical at all, it had ended with the promise of dinner.

A man he actually wanted to know more about.

And of course, he'd dreamed of Jongin that night, and woke unsettled with only the impression of smiles against his skin.

***

Minseok was picking him up for dinner, and the whole office knew about it ahead of time. Of course, he'd planned it so most of them would be gone by the time Minseok arrived so he could give him a little tour, and they could go out and have a nice time. They'd even texted a few times during the day, and Joonmyun had worn his lucky tie.

He hadn't counted on Jongin still being there, however. In his fantasyland, Jongin had been long gone, and he would've been free to be suave and in control, and not worrying about how to voiding going toward where Jongin was sitting with Minseok beside him.

It was ironic, and stupid, that he didn't want Jongin to judge his choice. It wasn't even logical, but somehow it still made sense, and he kind of hated himself for even thinking about it when he was greeted by Minseok's smile at the elevator.

"We're down here in the deserted little corner," Joonmyun said, sounding like he was making fun, but actually kind of proud of their office setup. It was actually a cheerful place to go to, and he was glad he'd been able to get tucked in with personalities that complimented his own. His guys. Okay, so only actually supervised two of them, but they were still all his.

Luckily his own great sense had him putting Jongin as far away from his own office as possible, so they didn't even see Jongin on the walkthrough. Though, his level of jitters rose, and then slowly fell the further they got back to his - way more fastidious than normal - office.

"It's nice," Minseok complimented him.

Okay, it was a little worn. And there was a motivational poster on the wall that he probably should've paid more attention to. But it was, pretty ironically, a comforting place.

"I'll just shut my computer down so we can go. The door is always open for everyone," he said. "At least, when I'm not in meetings. Someday…"

"Reaching for the management position, huh?" Minseok teased.

He grinned, and then faltered, when he looked up at a knock. Jongin.

"Hey," Jongin said. "Kyungsoo sent those files you were wanting."

"Great," Joonmyun said, hands frozen on the keyboard as Jongin came in the office. And then he realized he was being rude. "Uhh. Minseok, this is Jongin, one of our IT contractors. Jongin, Minseok. We're actually just leaving-"

He watched the two men greet each other, and accidentally closed out of his email, cursing under his breath.

"He's fun to work with," he heard Jongin say, as Jongin rounded the desk. And when Jongin was beside him, "Did you need anything else?"

"No, I think I'm g-"

The word came out on a squeak. He braced himself on his desk as Jongin's hand went from what Joonmyun had thought was a friendly butt-pat, to a full-out squeeze. Getting groped in his office, with his date looking on, he had not expected.

"See you later," Jongin said to him, and then waved at Minseok as he walked out.

To hell with work, Joonmyun thought, switching off his screen. It could wait until tomorrow.

"He likes to tease," Joonmyun said, grabbing his suit jacket.

"I can see that."

But the topic was dropped, at least until they'd poured themselves into a taxi. He just wanted to get a nice dinner, and forget all about it. He didn't let himself concentrate on what it had felt like, or why the hell Jongin had done it to begin with. He was too busy trying to make conversation, and not let any of the awkwardness seep out of himself.

"So, you and your coworker, you dated?"

Joonmyun gaped. "No. No! Not at all."

"But you wanted to? Your face when he grabbed you," Minseok clarified.

He didn't have enough time to think up a lie.

"Office crush," Joonmyun fumbled. "It was a passing…uh. Thing."

"Doesn't seem like it's passed for him. Pull over here, please," Minseok said, and paid before leading them into a small coffee shop.

Not the dinner he'd been expecting, and it told him that dinner was probably not going to be on the menu.

"I've dated guys that were still circling another man," Minseok said, after they'd both gotten a drink. "And it kind of sucks. I like you, and obviously would be interested in dating you, but I really need to know if you're over this guy. I don't really want to be your second choice."

"Well," Joonmyun said.

"Especially since he seems like he was into you," Minseok prompted. "I don't get many guys groping me at work."

"I don't know how real that was, is the problem," Joonmyun sighed.

But he wanted it to be real, still. Despite trying to steer himself away, and Minseok saw right through him.

"I had fun. So… Call me if anything changes, okay?" Minseok told him.

And Joonmyun was left there with half of a nonfat mocha, and more questions than answers. He could've fought Minseok, could've tried to change his mind. He wasn't sure Minseok would have believed him, when Joonmyun couldn't even convince himself.

***

Texting Kyungsoo had, in retrospect, been a poor life decision.

Broke up with new guy before we even had dinner. Jongin's fault. Get me drunk.

And then Kyungsoo had called to ask where he was.

They'd done that for each other a few times. Sometimes, just some company and some shots could do a lot to mend a broken heart. Not that his heart was broken. Maybe he'd thought Minseok was cute, and maybe it would've been fun to have things to do with. He had friends, and he wasn't alone. He didn't need a boyfriend. Especially not a guy with a crooked grin that kept pushing him off even in his imagination.

He was pretty well past tipsy by the time someone poke his arm.

"Hey."

He looked over, a very deliberate action with his eyes propped open just so. He expected Kyungsoo, who could be very concerned and lecturing and reassuring.

"You're not Kyungsoo. You're Jongin," he said.

Jongin's mouth twitched. "Yeah. I am."

"Where is Kyungsoo?" He'd have twisted around, but Jongin's hand was on his shoulder preventing him.

"He's not coming. I'm here instead. I was there when he got your text, so he asked me to come help you home since he was working."

"But you're why I'm here," Joonmyun mumbled into his glass.

"The guy dumped you?"

Joonmyun glared, steadying his head with his hand. "A coworker pawed me in front of him," he said, the word "pawed" coming out about twice as long as usual. "I didn't even get to kiss him. We didn't even eat."

"Oh, is that why you're so drunk? You never had dinner."

Joonmyun sniffed and stared down at the bubbly liquid in his glass. Huh. He was pretty sure he'd ordered alcohol a second ago, but that was definitely soda. A quick sniff confirmed it.

"I am not drunk," Joonmyun told the bartender, and then caught Jongin giving the man a nod. "You. I'll go drink somewhere else."

Joonmyun managed to get standing up, wobbling just a bit as he grabbed his bag. But when he made to walk off, Jongin was right next to him with a hand grasping his arm.

"I can walk," Joonmyun insisted.

"I've seen you," Jongin said. "But I can see your eyes sloshing when you think, so I'll just help you outside, okay?"

He wasn't nearly as drunk as Jongin thought. He'd gone to the bar to forget Jongin, and maybe talk about how he wanted to get laid. Jongin had nice hands.

"Your hands," Joonmyun said.

"What about them?"

He didn't remember. They looked nice on his skin, though. Not that he could tell Jongin that.

"They look nice touching people," he said, and thought he was being utterly sly and obscure.

But even in the middle of congratulating himself, he realized that more words also meant more possibilities for screwing up and saying something stupid.

Still, the back of the taxi that Jongin poured him into was comfortable, and Jongin was warm against his shoulder. He thought about getting his phone out and barking at Kyungsoo, but even inebriated, figured he should probably do that without Jongin beside him. Or things would, ah, slip. Things Jongin should never, ever know.

"Did you need food?" Jongin asked him, and Joonmyun shook his head. He did kind of want to sleep. His anger was kind of split, and he was pleasantly fuzzy, and Jongin was paying their fare and tugging him out onto a sidewalk that seemed really familiar for at least thirty seconds, until he actually paid attention to what was around it.

"This is not my apartment building," he said, looking up and nearly losing his balance.

"You're a really smart drunk," Jongin complimented him.

But for some reason it didn't feel like a compliment. And when Joonmyun craned his head to see if the taxi was still there, he found it wasn't, and instead Jongin had an arm around him, guiding him inside and to the elevator.

"Why did you bring me here? You're not going to try and sleep with me?"

"No."

"Oh. Good," Joonmyun said, and hoped those two combined words didn't give away the swamping disappointment that he'd felt after actually considering it. He knew it was a bad idea, but at least he'd get to know how it felt.

"Bad idea," he muttered, and was startled when Jongin laughed beside him.

He was curious. How Jongin lived, why Jongin had brought him.

They'd almost made it fully into Jongin's apartment before the fact that Jongin hadn't brought him there to sleep with him had run from disappointment, to depression. Of course Jongin wouldn't want to sleep with him. He didn't even want to date him. He didn't want Joonmyun to date, either, since he screwed up his date. That didn't make sense. It was incredibly rude and insensitive, and he expected that Jongin was like other people and wanted people to be happy.

Maybe he hadn't done such a great job the first time, but Minseok had been so good looking, and so smart, and such a nice smile. And best, he hadn't reminded him of Jongin at all. Or maybe just a little.

But that still didn't tell him why Jongin was tugging him along like a lost dog. Or why he was cooperating. Even drunk, and he could be belligerent thank you, he knew what he wanted.

The problem was, he wanted Jongin. He wanted to touch Jongin's arm. He wanted to discover what Jongin's hair smelled like. He wanted to sit in silence and trace the lines of Jongin's face and watch him smile, and talk to him, and laugh because Jongin was laughing.

His throat was too tight, and he closed his eyes, and stumbled into Jongin's chest.

"Whoa. Let's just get you out of this, okay."

He was denied warmth as Jongin straightened him and started undoing buttons down his chest.

"Why do you want me to stay?"

"Because you live alone," Jongin said, as though that explained everything.

It did. It didn't. No one liked being alone after they got dumped, but he wasn't going to drown his toilet in his tears, or drown himself in it, or break all his belongings.

"But why?"

He took over undressing himself, flicking his cuff buttons in annoyance before getting them undone so he could wriggle out of his shirt. In his undershirt and slacks, staring at Jongin's flattened hair. He wanted to touch it. And to sleep.

"The bathroom," Jongin told him, not answering. "There's some mouthwash if you want. I don't have a toothbrush for you."

Surreal. Surreal. He wasn't on a trip, and his level of drunkenness was dropping, but he felt so out of place. So out of himself, that he didn't know how to get back. He could demand to leave. But he didn't want to. It was a gigantic puzzle, like a sudoku puzzle filled with too few numbers. He just had one corner, Jongin's corner. He knew in one of the nine boxes he could see, there would be a nine. But he had no reference, no guess could tell him. If only Jongin told him, he could understand.

He stared at the swirling toilet water and thought maybe Jongin felt guilty.

He rinsed his mouth out with stinging mint liquid and wondered if it was like or even lust.

He opened the bathroom door to see Jongin shirtless and sitting, waiting for him on the edge of the bed in only a pair of soft-looking shorts, and nearly whimpered.

"Other side of the bed is yours," Jongin told him, and disappeared into the bathroom.

They could be friends. It wasn't impossible.

He wondered if the pillows smelled like Jongin.

He sat on the edge of the bed just as his pants were falling, nearly trapping them. And then waggled his legs to see them fall the rest of the way. Very carefully inching off one sock, and then the other. And then at a noise, all but rolling himself into the blanket. Jongin didn't want to see his legs. He felt like he had eight limbs trying to get situated, some kind of octopus getting untangled from the sheet and trying to smooth things down. Then he nearly smothered himself faceplanting in the pillow and gasped, turning his head away from Jongin's side of the bed. He was just going to sleep on his stomach. It was safer that way, just in case. Not looking at Jongin would help, but he was still in his bed.

And then he inhaled, actually remembering that he was curious. It smelled…pleasant. Like clean cloth. The room itself didn't have any scent he could identify, but it smelled nice, too. The sheets were clean, and the blanket was warm.

He'd tell Jongin goodnight, and thank him maybe. Even he was disappointed. And depressed. And drunk. And sad. It was kind of nice not to be alone, even if it was with the guy that made him feel all those things to start.

Love was strange.

***

His head felt like a snare drum banging around in a clothes dryer when he made a sound. The unfamiliar wall, the softer-than-his-own pillow. The man breathing beside his shoulder.

He'd been drunk, and Jongin hadn't taken him home. No, he'd taken him home, but to Jongin's home, and not to his own home. Like he was a lost puppy that needing patting. Jongin. Why Jongin had been there. Kyungsoo had been sent a text, so he'd had to have sent Jongin. But there was no reason Jongin should've gone. No connection that made him likely to care about Joonmyun besides as a coworker. He needed to be alive so he could initial Jongin's timesheets. There was that. He'd probably rescue a sad man who'd been dumped before the first dinner date if it meant getting paid.

He was in his underpants and undershirt in Jongin's bed.

That brought another sound to his throat, but it wasn't one of pain and denying that he was awake. It was horror. Actually, he sounded like a dying whale playing a tuba.

And Jongin couldn't have missed that.

"Want some water?" he heard from too-near his ear.

A whimper left him. "Why are you talking so loud?"

Jongin hummed, a low, thoughtful sound and Joonmyun tried not to hate him for it.

Jongin was trying to soothe him, he realized. But his dry eyes squinted open. Jongin. Was trying to soothe him. By petting his thigh.

He was hungover, tired, in pain. He was in Jongin's bed, with Jongin's hands on him. It should've gone to shame, or to agony, or maybe wanting to throw himself down the garbage chute.

It went to panic, because his body sighed and said more. And at least he was faced away from Jongin.

He had a vague, vague recollection of his pants falling at the side of the bed. Not while Jongin was watching.

But there were no clothes there when he hauled himself to look over.

"Where are my clothes?" he asked, his voice rough and disgusting from a night of sleep. "Where-"

"I put them on the chair," Jongin said.

Jongin had picked up his clothes and straightened them as Joonmyun slept in his bed. Heat infused his neck and chest and cheeks. He was on fire, and his head was banging at the rails. He kept his back to the bed and grabbed for his pants and shirt, using them as a shield as he made for the door.

"Hey!"

You don't have to go, Joonmyun finished in his head, bracing himself on a wall and yanking up his pants. He slipped into his shirt, not bothering to button it as he made for his bag and shoes.

Socks, he didn't have those. They didn't matter. They were just socks. He had a million pairs, and even more that didn't have mates. He could make a quilt out of socks. If his hands would just stop shaking, he could even get his shoes on.

"You'll be all right getting home?" Jongin asked.

"Yes," he said, pulling in a deep breath and shoving his heel down into his shoe. And then he dragged in another breath, and decided that painfully polite was the way to go. "Thanks for making sure I got somewhere safely last night. That was really nice of you."

And he actually looked at Jongin then, for a steady second, and got a mumble of something he couldn't catch in return. And he wasn't sure if that was because Jongin actually mumbled, or if the pulsing in his ear drums was preventing him from hearing normally.

"I'll see you at work," he said. Not that he'd be in that day.

He was going to go home, and take a pill, and hide in the dark, and plot how to punish Kyungsoo somehow. Not that it was Kyungsoo's fault that he couldn't control his emotions. Or Jongin's fault because Joonmyun wasn't what he wanted.

Or his fault for being who he was, and not quite enough or not quite right for the people he wanted.

Too maudlin. And Jongin's eyes had been sleep-swollen and tired, hair mussed from his pillow. So incredibly gorgeous that it hit him in the face almost five minutes later. Jongin in his gray tank top, and perfect mouth. Asking him if he was okay, offering him water, and touching him. Doing everything Joonmyun wanted, only not for the reasons Joonmyun wanted. And he'd made that hell for himself, where he would know and yet never really know what it would be like to be Jongin's, or have him. Where waking up in pain would mean kisses pressed to his forehead, and curling his arms around Jongin's neck. And Jongin's smile. Joonmyun sighed and rested his head against the taxi window. He was never getting drunk again.

***

"You left your socks at my place yesterday," Jongin said. And Joonmyun's head shot up. No less than five coworkers were in earshot, and he knew all of them had heard and were currently speculating on just what had happened. Just how Joonmyun, with the crush everyone gave him pitying looks for because they knew he had no chance, had left any article of clothing at Jongin's apartment. What situation could have caused that, when they also knew he'd left with a date. How he'd gone from a date, to clothing-leaving- He had to stop himself.

In a perfect world, he would've had a snappy comeback, defused the moment. Instead his face went magma hot, and he strangled out a sound before turning and walking away. Stupid. Stupid. Everyone was going to think the wrong thing. Scratch that, everyone was already thinking the wrong thing.

What he didn't understand was why Jongin had allowed it. He'd had to know what it had sounded like. There was no way that he wanted anyone in the office to think that. It had only been said to get a rise out of Joonmyun, he'd figured that much by the time he almost skidded into his office chair. He was going to send off an email full of screaming noises to Kyungsoo and then get back to work.

"Why do you want to date jerks?" Jongin asked, squeezing into Joonmyun's office without even a knock.

Joonmyun stared at him, considered the stupid thing Jongin had just said to embarrass him, and couldn't stop the bitter laugh. Jongin included.

"Good question. I need a therapist."

"If he'd really wanted you, it wouldn't have mattered what I'd said or done," Jongin pointed out.

Joonmyun slid his stapler aside, to keep from wanting to throw it.

"Probably just wanted in your pants," Jongin continued.

"Apparently not badly enough," Joonmyun bit out. "So thanks for that bit of ego boosting. Don't you have work to do?"

Now that the entire office assumed they were sleeping together. He stared at his stack of mail until he heard Jongin leave, and then blankly at his email as though the words in them would actually start making sense.

***

Jongin's frown was a hundred times more gut-wrenching than Jongin's smile, especially when it was in between him and the subway as Joonmyun was trying to leave.

"Look, earlier I didn't mean to for you to think you weren't worth it. But seriously, those guys were jerks. You deserve better. They didn't even know you."

"That's because we'd just started dating," Joonmyun said, pleading with the traffic light to turn so he could cross the street. "They never got a chance to know me."

"You wouldn't have wanted to. They just would've hurt you in the end. It's not like you to just sleep around."

"As though you'd know," Joonmyun muttered. "I could be sleeping with half a dozen guys every week."

Jongin's eyebrow rose, eyes sweeping down Joonmyun's body and back up again in disbelief.

And the light finally changed.

Jongin followed like he was some kind of shadow, and Joonmyun forced himself to keep walking. If he'd ducked into some business on the pretense of coffee or food, Jongin likely would have just followed. The thing was, he didn't know what Jongin wanted. If it had been a month ago, he might've hoped it was Jongin showing interest. But Jongin's behavior wasn't interested. It was dismissive and instructive, as though he was trying to teach Joonmyun how to have a life, but only if it was one Jongin approved of. He didn't owe Jongin anything.

"Look," he said, swinging around and poking his finger in Jongin's chest. It didn't matter then, what he said, or what Jongin knew. "You don't want me. I got that loud and clear, and I backed off. But you don't get to screw around with my life because it's fun for you."

He started down into the subway and tried to ignore the visions of himself tripping and just rolling the whole way down until he was a bloody puddle at the bottom for Jongin to sob over. It had him edging closer to the side. His indignation carried him through the gate, card slapped down hard, and to his train before he realized that Jongin hadn't followed. Fine, then. Jongin had gotten the message. That was exactly what he'd wanted, Jongin to get a hint, and leave him the hell alone.

That didn't explain why he had to kick his heart on ahead of him, when he boarded the train toward home.

***

There was candy on his desk the next morning, and Joonmyun frowned at it. Kyungsoo, maybe, trying to cheer him up. Joonmyun had spent the entire evening previous having the exact same conversation with Jongin in his head, trying to find a snappier comeback. It had only sort of worked. But he'd at least gotten through the day okay. Kyungsoo had been tight-lipped besides denying the candy was from him, and he'd gotten a few curious looks and Jongin avoiding him, but he wasn't sure what all of that was about.

"Whatever you did, it finally worked," Baekhyun said, smiling as Joonmyun dropped files onto his desk before he was ready to leave work that day. Chanyeol groaned behind them, and Joonmyun raised his eyebrows. "Don't pay attention to him."

"What do you mean?'

"Oh, Jongin leaving the candy! He came in with this gigantic-"

Chanyeol cleared his throat from the corner. "I told you, maybe we shouldn't give away Jongin's-"

"Shh, yes, it's fine. This big bag of candy, and asked everyone if we knew which your favorite was. I guess trying to make him jealous worked."

"I was not trying- We're not dating," Joonmyun said loudly, as though they weren't getting it, and saying it louder would help them understand.

"But you stayed over? I thought…"

"I didn't sleep with him! We've never slept together," Joonmyun said, trying to fight the hysteria in his voice. "He doesn't like me. We're not dating. We're never going to date."

"But- Oh, Jongin."

Joonmyun closed his eyes. Of course Jongin would come in right then. No. He wasn't going to let it slide again.

"Tell them that we didn't sleep together," he said, pinning Jongin with a stare. It wasn't a friendly tone. It was the most boss-like tone he possessed.

"We didn't sleep together," Jongin agreed.

"Now, tell them that we're not dating."

"We're not dating," Jongin said, and Joonmyun nearly relaxed. "Yet."

Any other time and his brain would've shut down. But right then, it filled with steam.

"No, not 'yet.' Never," he barked, making the other three almost jump. "Never!"

"I think your boyfriend is upset with you," he heard behind him as he stalked away. He couldn't stay there any longer. He was getting his life back to even, and Jongin kept stomping on his sand castles. Even in front of their coworkers, again. Too much to assume they'd believe him when Jongin was smirking at them, and trading jokes. Poor Joonmyun with the crush on the hot contractor. The hot contractor that seemed to think his heart was a boomerang he could just toss away and expect to come back. It didn't work like that. He couldn't get flatted and keep jumping up again. The flares of hope followed by crushing disappointment.

"Joonmyun," Jongin said, catching him at the elevator.

"Yet," he spat and all but threw himself into the elevator car.

"Yeah, yet," Jongin said, following. "Because we're not, yet. That doesn't mean we won't ever."

"Right," Joonmyun said, vision on the "L" button and tempted to start banging it repeatedly if it made the elevator descend faster. "One day you're going to decide it's a great idea, and ask me out."

"Yeah. Like, right now. Let's go out to dinner."

"Right," he said, the sarcasm almost dripping from the word as the elevator dinged and the doors opened. He pushed out ahead of Jongin, and felt Jongin catch at his shoulder.

"Joonmyun, I mean it."

He took another step, two, and faltered. Jongin had just asked him out. For real, it seemed, not a joke. But he searched for elation and it was buried under a landslide of disappointment and fear. And anger.

"I'll believe you. If you go up and tell them that you asked me out," Joonmyun said, and Jongin nodded, eyes widening. "And then you can tell them that I turned you down."

It felt good. It felt solid, and determined. It felt like panic, and heartbreak. Jongin's mouth flattened considerably, but that was all he saw before he made for the door. He was making a habit of this, angry flouncing, and he didn't much care for it. But the bowling balls crashing inside him refused to let him stop. He was too confused, and afraid if he let himself stop and think that he would just stop and break.

Jongin, it seemed, was bad at getting the point. Because he was in step with Joonmyun before he'd made it ten feet down the sidewalk.

"You're angry at me."

All that came out was a gurgle, because he had no words. And then Jongin grabbed his arm, and dragged him down a side street, and he found his voice. "What the hell!"

"There's a nice restaurant down this way that I've been to a few times," Jongin said, his hand still tight on Joonmyun's arm. "I think you'll like it."

"What?"

"A date," Jongin said, looking back at him, and steering them both around an oncoming car.

The sound he made was halfway between frustration and amusement. "Jongin. Jongin!"

It half felt like his arm was being ripped off, but he finally stopped them, stepping out of the way of oncoming pedestrians as Jongin frowned.

"What are you doing?" Joonmyun asked.

Jongin gestured behind him as though it was obvious. "Like I said. Taking you on a date."

"You can't just- People have to accept. You realize that, right? I said no."

There was a sulky set to Jongin's mouth. "Because you were angry at me."

Joonmyun raised his eyebrows. "Dragging me away instead isn't going to make me less angry at you."

And he got ahold of himself. And after a calming breath, two, composing himself both inside and out, he saw the worry on Jongin's face. And Joonmyun was still half scared that it was all a joke, because it couldn't possibly be real. Jongin leaving candy on his desk. Jongin teasing him about his socks being left. Jongin touching him, maybe to warn off his date, and then taking care of him. He'd had his hysterics. He just, right then, wanted answers.

"Why? You weren't interested in me before I started dating."

"That's not true." Jongin looked down, his jaw a hard line. But when he spoke, his words were clear. "You kept smiling at me."

"I smile at everyone," Joonmyun said. Okay, so he was calmer, but his exasperation still in full effect.

"No, when you thought I couldn't see. You're funny and kind of weird. But I like that."

Jongin might as well have shoved him onto his ass on the pavement. The jolt he got was the same.

"But why didn't you-"

"I thought I was going to be transferred and I didn't know where. And I just thought you were being cute until someone accidentally said something."

"So I was obvious and you were oblivious. And then enjoying my pain."

"It was pain?" Jongin asked.

And Joonmyun had never seen a human being look so hopeful about another person's negative emotions. But even if that pain meant that Joonmyun cared, some things that had made him pause to begin with hadn't changed.

"We work out of the same office."

"But you're not my boss," Jongin countered.

He had to stop himself from asking why again.

"But," he started, helpless. He'd been hooked, and he was flopping inside. He knew what he wanted, and what he'd turned down. He didn't want to be afraid of it not being real, or of failing, as Jongin bit his lower lip and seemed prepared to fight.

"We could talk it over at dinner?" Jongin suggested.

Not to fight Joonmyun, but for him. Jongin had asked him twice, and dragged him once. He wasn't going to make Jongin ask again. They could talk, he reasoned. Talk without running, in a neutral place. And maybe he could get more answers. And rationalized that Jongin might want to know more, too. He really didn't want to wait.

"Okay. I'll pay tonight, so you can decide where. Not anywhere expensive," he warned, poking Jongin's arm when he could nearly see the question forming as Jongin grinned.

"Come with me, then," Jongin said, and looked around them so they could step back out without running over someone. Jongin held his arm again, but he wasn't pulling him.

They were going together.

***

They'd eaten together before, and even sat across from each other while doing it. None of that was new. He didn't have hours or days to get nervous about it, or fret over what he was wearing. And it tried to be awkward for about ten seconds before Jongin ducked his head and went just a little shy, and Joonmyun realized it wasn't just him. He hadn't coerced Jongin, and he didn't have anything to prove. Maybe he hadn't dated a million people, and he didn't have all the confidence in the world, but just sitting down across from Jongin made the flutters start.

"I was going to ask you out when you were ready to transfer," Joonmyun admitted, after they ordered their food. "But then, I didn't think you were interested."

"Why?"

"You'd ignore me. And you indicated I should stop trying to include you in things."

"Oh," Jongin said, his cheeks bright. "That's not what I meant. I'm not always good with showing how I feel. I didn't want to spent a lot of time with everyone. Just you. But you bringing a guy to the office, I panicked.

"Did panicking get you what you wanted?"

A grab of Joonmyun's ass, ruining his chance at dating, a drunk Joonmyun in his bed. He wasn't sure which of those Jongin was more happy about. But Jongin's smile, oh Jongin's smile did things to him.

"You're a cute drunk. You thought you were being so sneaky."

Joonmyun wasn't even sure what all he'd said to Jongin that night, but he could imagine.

"It wasn't so cute the next morning when I felt like excising my stomach or brain," he said, trying to wash away some of the embarrassment. "But, uh. Thanks for not taking advantage of me."

"It'd be better if you get to remember it."

Jongin, he- What- His sharp inhale had Jongin looking up, and his whole face smiling.

"You're blushing."

"You are too," Joonmyun exploded, more like a mouse than a lion. Topic change, definite topic change. "So you knew for sure what my feelings were then."

Jongin nodded, tilting his head. "Yeah. Then I screwed up."

Joonmyun's lips twisted. "A better way to play that would've been inviting me out so I could commiserate with you, instead of insulting my choice in men. Then you could've gotten me tipsy and. Well."

Again, dangerous territory.

"I'll remember that for next time," Jongin told him. "So why did you want to ask me out?"

"Because."

Because Jongin wasn't the jerk he'd begun to think he was. Because his smile was surprising, and full of light, and because Joonmyun spent swaths of his day imagining the way he would kiss. Because there was danger there, and promise, and a thrill he couldn't really define. And because of the little corner of his heart that Jongin had moved into, expanded out of.

He could've talked himself out of Jongin, had already begun it.

Joonmyun smiled at the waitress and thanked her as their food was set down. And he shook his head, and smiled at Jongin instead.

"Because you were the only one I wanted to be with."

It was what he would have wanted to hear, and it was the truth.

***

It felt like all the muscles in his back had released by the time they had finished their meal. Where the part where he knew a lot about Jongin, and was actually pretty comfortable with him came through. Not trying to hide, just getting to relax. And hope he wasn't spilling food down his chest or something. They'd talked about their future, about how they could do things, like keep an eye on their relationship and make sure it didn't interfere at work. If things went bad, Joonmyun could get him transferred so neither of them had to be uncomfortable. To varying degrees, it seemed like everyone in the office already thought they were dating. So they weren't exactly going to cause a stir. But they had a future to speak of, which was more than they'd started out with. But it hadn't all be serious.

They'd had their first date chatter, and actually had some things in common. Books, and movies, and music. Some of that he'd already gleaned, but it was different when they were talking about it together, and not some kind of group conversation.

He wanted to know more, and break through a little more of Jongin's veneer of shyness.

He was grateful, kind of astoundingly so, that Jongin had tried.

"I guess we go different ways on the subway," Jongin said, leaning against the wall beside him, just short of the main street. Joonmyun had stopped there because there had been people ahead, but also because he needed time to think. He couldn't exactly see Jongin to his door, or expect Jongin to see him to his, and he didn't want some post-date kiss to fizzle or be rushed.

He really didn't want it to be rushed.

"Yeah," Joonmyun sighed. It'd gone slow, and then too fast. And Jongin was in his space, Joonmyun instinctively looking up since Jongin had some regrettable inches on him. Though not so regrettable, all at the same time. And his breath held as Jongin cupped his neck. A flush swept him from scalp to toes, and Jongin kissed Joonmyun's mouth, a bare brush, a teasing second. It sent a shiver along each nerve, and it was everything he'd ever hoped it would be.

"You-"

"Yeah." And Jongin's lips tilted, just a bit. His eyes softening into an expression more real than any Joonmyun'd seen in the past two weeks, until that night. There was no mockery there, just sincerity. Something tantamount to hope. "Hey, smile."

He barely remembered how to work his face, much less how to coordinate his muscles. But when he tapped into the fact that Jongin was right there, and he had just kissed him, it wasn't a smile that bubbled up as much as a laugh that forced it. A laugh of the absurd, and the delight, and the disbelief.

But Jongin was leaning closer. He'd wanted Joonmyun's smile. He liked Joonmyun's smile.

"Oh fuck me," and he kind of only meant it rhetorically, but then he'd stepped in, and he was kissing Jongin. Jongin, who laughed against his lips and hooked him close.

Oh no, it was not everything he'd hoped. It was better.

***

***

Jongin was impossible to wake up. Okay, it wasn't so much that. When the alarm blared, and Joonmyun felt the one in his apartment was the kinder of the two, Joonmyun tended to shove Jongin. Hoping, maybe, that doing so would wake Jongin, and get them both out of bed. But Jongin opened his eyes, tired and pleading, and it was like asking a puppy to wake up. Simultaneously too cute and too pathetic to be endured, but Joonmyun had at least found a way to make waking up seem a little less painful.

Ever since the first night Jongin had stayed over, and he'd woken before Jongin, he'd pressed kisses to his face when Jongin woke up. Tracing his cheekbones, and feeling his smile bloom. Kind of a welcome to his bed, his place. Content, as Jongin wound an arm around his neck.

That day at least they'd been able to keep on occupying each other's time. But staying over on weekends had soon turned into staying over a few nights a week, and then their belongings were staying over, and their coworkers were taking note that they were arriving together a lot more often than normal. And that was okay.

Jongin had taken him to a movie, their eighth…tenth date? He'd lost count somewhere in there, because it had seemed like the dates tumbled into each other, punctuated by nights apart, and days at work. Not all dates out, they'd spent time in front of their television sets, or on the phone, or talking over mugs of tea and board games. Jongin's secret fascination, he'd found. Weird, old board games. Jongin wanted to take him to the gym, and Joonmyun wasn't convinced that was a great idea even while at the same time the prospect of Jongin sweaty was. But when he'd tugged Jongin after him into his apartment, the whole taxi ride full of talk of the movie they'd seen, he hadn't stopped Jongin at the comfortable chairs. He hadn't, because his hand had been under Jongin's shirt, and sliding up his back, and full of knowledge that they had nothing to do the next day. Backing him up, until there was a breathless moment at his bedroom doorway where Jongin looked behind himself, and back at Joonmyun, and they'd pretty much staggered to his bed.

"Stay," he'd nearly pleaded after, ragged, into Jongin's collarbone. They'd both still been mostly dressed, and he'd realized Jongin was sleeping ahead of him. But he hadn't minded.

There was a sweetness to Jongin, that he floated on. Every time Jongin hooked an arm around his neck, or kissed his cheek, or rested his feet in his lap, or stretched against him in bed. Or even in the candy Jongin still left occasionally on his desk. Joonmyun had laughed, when he'd seen the bag full that Jongin had. Kyungsoo thought he was good for Joonmyun. There was that, too.

And Jongin made good on his word and tried to get him tipsy so Jongin could have his way with him. Not that he hadn't already.

"How many is that?" Joonmyun asked, wary, as Jongin filled his glass. Their work week was over, and it had been Jongin's turn to choose the date. He was already pleasantly buzzed, and he squinted at Jongin's innocent face. So innocent as to be completely condemning. "If you want something tonight, this'd better be it. Or I'm just going to puke on your shoes, and you'll be out of luck."

Jongin poured himself the rest of the bottle, not much, and set it aside. "There."

Joonmyun hummed in pleasure, and watched Jongin's fingers as he gripped his glass. Nice hands. Very nice hands. And a nice, tipsy Jongin as well.

"Oh, that is another reason I wanted to date you," Jongin said, pointing at his face as though accusing him of a crime.

Joonmyun blinked. "What?"

"Your glasses."

"You have a thing for glasses?"

And Joonmyun's grin nearly broke his face. Well then. He was keeping that information.

"If you wore them every day, I'd get you tipsy more often," Jongin said, biting his lip in a way he knew very well drove Joonmyun crazy.

"When you tried to insinuate to everyone that we were sleeping together, why…?"

Jongin followed Joonmyun's leading statement with his eyebrows. "Because…I wanted us to be?"

"Okay. I'm ready to go home," he said, and his laugh felt like a shudder.

Joonmyun's glass emptied like magic, and he watched Jongin drain his.

The quirk of Jongin's mouth was a promise.

As were the lips that skimmed his neck as Joonmyun fumbled to unlock his door. And the fingers that tangled with his as Joonmyun led them in. Jongin's jacket fell, his tie. All of Joonmyun's concentration on Jongin's buttons.

"We need a casual day at work," Joonmyun muttered. "Easier access."

They hadn't had sex at work. Yet. There had been a close call in the corner of his office after hours, but sanity had prevailed. Of course that meant he was just reliving Jongin pinning him to the wall, all urgent hips and demanding kisses. All while watching Jongin shimmy out of his own pants and start on Joonmyun's.

"You're not more drunk than me," Jongin accused.

"No," Joonmyun told him, licking his lips. "But it's nice watching."

Jongin pushed him back, and Joonmyun pulled him after.

And on the bed, he'd forgotten, but Jongin hadn't. Reaching up, carefully removing Joonmyun's glasses and setting them aside. Maybe what he could see was fuzzier, but they could touch, and they could kiss. It was a move full of care, and he kissed Jongin for it.

There wasn't anything like Jongin pleading. It wasn't always with word. With his eyes, the tone of his voice, the shift of his face. And there, when Joonmyun pressed over him, Jongin begged with his hands, and with the moans that vibrated against Joonmyun's lips.

To feel Jongin against him was sexy if they were in winter parkas, or skin to skin. To let Jongin move him, absorb him, or when Jongin sprawled back with endless, perfect thighs, and let him take. He knew pleasure, and he'd seen it, dawning over Jongin's face.

He yelped as Jongin rolled him, laughing breathlessly as Jongin's weight squashed him for a moment.

Jongin knew him, knew his wants. The way he held Joonmyun's face with both hands, and let their lips drift together. A touch, the press of mouths, exhales, urging Joonmyun closer, deeper. A kiss so consuming that he thought of nothing else, because all that existed to him at that moment was Jongin's mouth, Jongin's body against his.

Until they were both gasping, and needing.

"Joonmyun," Jongin moaned; as Joonmyun squeezed his hips, and ran teasing hands along his back.

He let his thigh nudge Jongin, and smiled as Jongin kissed his collarbone.

"This is what you wanted, isn't it?" he asked.

It was his turn to moan, when Jongin pressed against him. Against Jongin's neck and shoulder, hanging on as Jongin rocked them both. The squeak of the bed only distant sound, to Jongin's gasps, and Jongin's pleasure, and his own. And the ache of their bodies, and the sweet press of skin against his as he slept.

What if I love him more than he loves me? had been a thought once.

And Jongin had smiled at him, and cupped his cheek, and Joonmyun fell just a little harder.

***