[Fic] Home
Title: Home
Pairing: Suho/Kai
Rating: PG
Genre: AU, catboys
Prompt: Catboy!Jongin is insecure and without a home, and Joonmyun is able to help.
***
There were a number of cat rescues, cat group houses, cat foster agencies. There weren’t so many cat businesses, though, at least not ones that were fit for all ages. Jongin had considered one of the alternatives - Claws Unsheathed was one of the most famous strip joints in the city, with only cats who danced and played escort. Neither were frowned on since it got cats off the street and out of the government group homes. He’d heard fairy tale stories of cats that had bared their bodies there, found a rich master and been swept away. Jongin had been at the door during open evaluations, and he’d walked away.
Some of the more independent cats, even if they had a human, preferred not to consider themselves as owned or kept. Cared for. Partnered with. Jongin wasn’t sure about that. From the first time he’d considered it, he’d been prepared that he would one day want a master or mistress to see to his care, his needs.
A Cat of Tea was the alternative. Tea and coffeehouse, also exclusively staffed by cats. It was human owned, part of a rescue. It was for cats between owners, cats looking for owners, cats who just needed a safe place where they wouldn’t ever be asked to provide their bodies as payment.
A cat behind the counter lifted his head as Jongin slipped into the cafe. He was wearing a beat-up hoodie to hide his ears, his tail uncomfortably down the leg of his pants and chafing. But a cat knew a cat.
“Tiffany, get Joonmyun,” the cat said, and came around to grip both of Jongin’s cold hands. “My name is Yixing. Come, sit with me.”
Yixing stayed with him until a mug of warm milk laced with something sweet was placed in front of him, and a human took Yixing’s place.
The smile was soft, and his ears twitched to see it.
“My name is Joonmyun. How can we help you?”
***
There were foster families. Yixing had found his home, some of the others were still looking. But Yixing helped Joonmyun with new arrivals, and to vet any humans who came around expressing interest. They were a cat cafe. Sometimes there were scratches to ears - some of the high school girls liked to do that affectionately - but little else. They weren’t a matchmaking cafe. Humans went through a different building entirely, if they wanted to be a foster family, or to find a cat of their own. The only requirement for being a foster family that they have a cat already, and that cat also be interviewed. Very few humans, it seemed, fostered cats without already having one. Their goal, Joonmyun told him, was not to put cats in homes they would need to leave, but to find them a safe place to stay until they found somewhere they could stay in long term, or if it was their desire, find a human or family to make a life with.
“I just had my last cat to stay with me move to his new home last week,” Joonmyun told him. “I don’t have a cat, but it’s a safe place. Your room locks in case you are ever afraid. If that makes you uncomfortable, I can-“
“It’s fine,” Jongin said, ducking his head.
A place to sleep. He didn’t care if there were a dozen humans and no cats.
“You’ll be safe,” Yixing assured him, pulling him close and putting a wrapped muffin into his hands. “He’ll take care of you.”
They left with a bag of clothes estimated to be Jongin’s size, since Jongin had nothing else, and Joonmyun walking beside him. But the cold was an affront, making him clutch at his arms.
“It’s not far,” Joonmyun said, and walked a little quicker.
But Joonmyun was right. The door locked in the room Jongin was led to. Joonmyun never entered more than two feet into it, just far enough to put Jongin’s bag of clothes onto a dresser and a few moments later, a couple of towels and wash cloths. The bed was already neatly made, a shelf of books on one wall with a small TV, a desk beside the bed, and a couple of landscape photographs on the wall. It was inoffensive and still welcoming.
“If you want to shower, and try on some of these clothes, you can. Anything that is in the bathroom, you can use freely. I think I’m about ready for dinner, what about you?”
Jongin had been prepared to feed himself some of the muffin Yixing had given him, and his stomach keened, making Joonmyun smile.
“What’s your favorite thing to eat?”
It took only a moment before he answered, “Beef.”
“I’ll start making something, then. You’re welcome here, Jongin.”
And Joonmyun shut the door behind himself, leaving Jongin still half pressed against the dresser. But with some clothes, he crept across the hall, locking himself into the bathroom. There were some cat-marketed soaps and shampoos in a little caddy, along with body scrubs and razors and everything he could possibly want. But he didn’t linger, enjoying the hot spray and rubbing his hair dry. The smell of the soap was chased away from him by the smell of caramelizing beef, and he stood still, frozen by it. He’d had only to say it, and Joonmyun-
Joonmyun was humoring him on his first day there. Maybe it would be gruel the next day. He didn’t want to think Joonmyun was trying to soften him for…other things.
But Joonmyun fixed him a plate, cut up pieces of beef, a spicy noodle dish, and egg casserole that tasted like one of the kinds that they sold frozen. He ate on one side of the counter, and Joonmyun standing against the far corner. Even as fast as he ate, Joonmyun finished first.
“Take your time,” Joonmyun said. “There’s more if you want, or more for later.”
And he began to wash dishes, like it was normal to have a cat bolting food, uncomfortable. But he relaxed, enjoying the taste, as he stared at Joonmyun’s back. He opted for no more, and Joonmyun made up a little dish labeled with Jongin’s name, putting it in the fridge for later.
“You can put that in the microwave for a couple of minutes any time you get hungry,” Joonmyun said. “No need to wait for me. Your TV is hooked up, so you can use that or the one out here any time. I have wifi, and there’s a netbook in the top drawer of your dresser that you can use. It’s already set up, all you have to do is turn it on. The books and movies, anything you can use. Food or drinks, anything. If I ever have to leave you here alone, you can treat this as your home. Okay?”
“Okay,” he mumbled. And he fled, locking himself in his room. He didn’t touch the TV, or the netbook, or the dresser which he was sure was stocked with paper or pens. He curled on his side on the bed, and stared at the wall. It was too much to take in. Too much.
***
Jongin placed himself in the corner of the living room furthest from Joonmyun, the place easiest to escape from. Two days in, he had no reason to believe anything bad of Joonmyun. The humans that stopped by seemed to like him, the cats in the cafe thought he was kind of a bit strange but harmless. He wondered if he would have been more comfortable if there was another cat there, someone he could curl behind and talk to. He understood there were only so many places cats could stay, and that Joonmyun held himself to a higher standard.
“Yes, that’s why legislation is needed so that cats can remove themselves from any situation they deem unfit for themselves, be that abusive, emotionally unfulfilling-“
Joonmyun adjusted the phone at his ear, tapping the pen in his hand into the paper like it was some kind of dagger, as whoever it was on the other end of the phone talked to him. And when he spoke again, his face was making incredibly inappropriate faces for the seriousness of his words, as though he was mocking whoever was on the other end.
Jongin had to bury his face in a cushion to keep from laughing.
In the year - two? - Since he had lived near humans, he had forgotten a lot of things. When he had still been young, living with the couple who took care of his mother and his sisters, he had been content to sit on laps, and peer over counters. And then he’d grown up. And when he’d discovered he would be sold, as his sisters had been, he’d run away. It was technically illegal to sell cats, but people did it anyway, pretending as though they were bartering something else that wasn’t a cat. His sisters had been able to choose between humans, but he still could not imagine being forced to meet that many people, make a decision like that. Not that being alone on the street had been easy, either. He’d been so wistful, looking at the humans with their jobs, walking alongside cats as he slept in covered ditches and made due with food he could find. He hoarded a little pile of food in his room, not in a drawer or under the bed, but tucked up in a corner where Joonmyun might not think to look.
Joonmyun made attempts to get to know him, never during meals which Jongin appreciated, but after when he offered a towel to Jongin in case he wanted to help dry the dishes. Jongin never accepted, but Joonmyun still tried.
“Would you rather be with a woman, or a man, or with a family? Or would you rather live alone?” Joonmyun asked, flipping the towel so it rested over his shoulder.
“A man,” Jongin said, ears twitching at the sound of the dishes clanking together. “I think.”
“What you want is what we’ll find for you,” Joonmyun assured him.
And Jongin fled, the echo of Joonmyun saying “alone” staying with him.
***
It was clever, human cats and feline cats, but only one variety open to be petted and cuddled. Maybe the other cats served food and made coffee, but they were decidedly off limits. Jongin had let Joonmyun cajole him out to the cafe to meet some of the others, to see if he would like to help out there sometime.
“It doesn’t have to be in front with the customers,” Joonmyun said. “We’ll only stay about twenty minutes today. You can have a drink while I get some paperwork done, and I’ll show you around before we go.”
So they went, and Jongin sat with a cup of tea, lowering his head every time a human looked at him. He didn’t think he could do it, work where there were people looking at him, expecting things from him.
“Joonmyun won’t be long,” Yixing said, pressing against Jongin’s side as another cat took his place behind the counter.
“I like it here but I don’t know if I could-“
“It’s not for everyone, out here. But there are also the offices, and dishes to be done, and cleaning after hours. Joonmyun knows we are all different, and he tries to help us. Don’t worry. Do you want a human?”
Jongin frowned into his cup, imagining some stranger taking his hand and leading him. He thought of Joonmyun showing him his room, standing outside of it and smiling as though Jongin was valued.
“Maybe,” Jongin said. “You have a human?”
“I do have one,” Yixing said. “Tells me I have my tail wrapped around him. We’ve helped a few cats between times, but… Our place is too small for it to be more than a day or two.”
Yixing sounded sad, but Jongin did not think he could be too sad, if he had a human who catered to him. He really wanted a human, if he was really honest. Just being with Joonmyun made the thought of living alone as some cats did seem nauseating. He wanted to push Yixing out of the way and find Joonmyun and curl around him, and even that scared him, how much he wanted.
“Joonmyun will want me to leave soon.”
Yixing stroked his arm. “Only when you’re ready.”
***
Jongin wanted something so much, to be…something. He couldn’t even put words to it. He buried his head under a pillow when Joonmyun vacuumed, and fled into the bathroom after Joonmyun had showered to rid himself of any dust that had been kicked up. It was warm and hazy, and smelled of lemon and cucumber, and Jongin stood beneath the spray wondering if that was why he could smell lemons every time Joonmyun got anywhere near him. He crouched down, opening the bottle and breathing into it. And the next thing he knew, he was scrubbing it into his hair and shuddering under the warm water.
He could hear Joonmyun humming as he typed when he snuck back across the hall to the bathroom. One of his chores with his mother had been to clean that room, and he had not done anything for Joonmyun, not anything. He wiped down the mirror, the counters, with spray he found under the sink, and scrubbed the tub and showerhead. He averted his eyes and cleaned out the drain catcher, used the brush and some powder to clean the toilet and then both sides of the seat. A wipe of a wet wash cloth along the smooth floor got everything else
He was pleased with himself. The arranged bottles, no toothpaste in the sink. And that carried him all the way to Joonmyun’s bedroom door, pausing for a second as he watched Joonmyun carefully folding his socks.
“I cleaned the bathroom,” Jongin announced. And Joonmyun lifted his head, his lips parting. “I know how to clean a bathroom, so I did. Did you want to see?”
He needed that. Validation. Verification. Not to go to bed and wonder if Joonmyun would say anything, and hope.
“Yes, I do.”
And Jongin slipped back, letting Joonmyun pass him on the way to the bathroom, and his toes curled under at the sounds Joonmyun made as he investigated what Jongin had done.
“I thought I had been thorough before you got here, but I guess I was wrong,” Joonmyun said with a throaty laugh. “Thank you, Jongin. It looks wonderful.”
Jongin nodded, backing up until his spine was pressed up against the frame of his own bedroom door.
“I know you said I didn’t have to, but. I can.”
Joonmyun smiled at him, never leaving the opposite doorway. “Yes. Sometimes it helps to be able to do what we can.”
“I don’t like the vacuum,” Jongin sulked.
To his credit, Joonmyun didn’t blink. “All right. You don’t have to touch that.”
“I can wash dishes, though.”
“I can give you space in the kitchen? Okay. Tomorrow, whenever you want to.”
“Okay. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Jongin.”
Joonmyun was still smiling when he closed and locked his bedroom door, leaving Joonmyun in the hallway. But it was something. The bathroom wasn’t his, but he’d cleaned it, and it was something.
***
Joonmyun seemed to absorb information about him. His favorite foods, that he was sensitive to sounds, that he was addicted to Joonmyun’s lemon shampoo. A larger bottle magically appeared in the bathroom, and it was almost, almost like being close to Joonmyun. Every other day they went with to the cafe and Jongin sat with his ears down in the corner as other cats filed by to talk to him, get to know him. There was a new litter of kittens and Jongin cuddled them. He would start, it seemed, by filing papers in the Cat Hope office where Joonmyun worked when he wasn’t at the cafe. He’d get wages, immediately, and they wouldn’t hold them so he could get away if he needed to. He’d have money of his own. He’d never even used money before he’d left his mother, and that had been money he’d found abandoned, hoarding change so he could buy food. But he didn’t have to do that any more, curled in Joonmyun’s living room and watching him talk and read a book at the same time.
“There aren’t enough humans we think are worthy for our cats,” Joonmyun sighed one day. “And of those, there aren’t enough to fit right. When it happens, it’s amazing. I want every cat to be happy, to find a home they’re secure in, and I don’t care how long it takes me to find it. I just wish some cats didn’t have to wait so long.”
Jongin frowned, sinking deeper into his corner of the couch. “Why did you take me in?”
“It was a matter of circumstance, and you were also afraid. I knew I could give you security. Or I hoped I could.”
Joonmyun adjusted his glasses, focusing on his book again as Jongin wriggled. Yes. He had security. He didn’t have a lot of things, but there was that. Food, a warm bed, clean clothes. He was comfortable. He liked comfortable.
He stared at Joonmyun’s shoulder as though it was going to burst into flames. It was wrong for it to be so close to him, so far from him, so available yet unavailable at the same time. He had not touched Joonmyun. Should not. But he wore something that smelled nice, not something that appealed to cats but something else. His nose twitched, and he leaned in. Plus, the sweater Joonmyun wore was soft and fuzzy, like it would catch against his ears and be fun to rub against.
Jongin stilled when Joonmyun looked over at him, pausing for a moment before inclining his shoulder as though in offer.
“No!” Jongin said, scooting back.
“That’s okay,” Joonmyun said. “You don’t have to. You never have to.”
And he turned his attention back to his book.
After a few moments, Jongin ventured, “Did you want me to?”
Joonmyun looked up, to the wall, as though measuring his words. “It was an offer, since I would not have minded. But you weren’t required to take it.”
“But I could,” Jongin said.
Joonmyun nodded, humming, and looking back down.
“I don’t need a human.”
At that, Joonmyun genuinely looked surprised, nodding vigorously.
“Of course you don’t. Most cats are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, making their own decisions about their lives and the humans they choose to interact with. Humans might like to keep them at our mercy, but things are changing. I think the nicest thing about a relationship with a cat or a human is that there is mutual admiration and need. There’s a difference between wanting to be needed, and needing control over another person. Cats are genetically different, but the genome is so close- Oh.“
Jongin’s forehead ramming into Joonmyun’s shoulder had its intended effect, cutting off the flow of words in Joonmyun’s speech. The silence was much nicer, as was the lowered shoulder so Jongin could get the whole top of his head onto it. Little by little over half an hour, Joonmyun kept turning pages, and Jongin slowly got closer, until even his cheek was supported against Joonmyun. He squinted at the words, and decided he wasn’t interested in that as much as he was in the warmth and the contact. Something innocent, warm, and lovely. Something he’d missed.
He fell asleep, purring to the sound of Joonmyun’s breathing and the gentle movement of his shoulder.
He woke with his head on a pillow, Joonmyun scrambling eggs in a pan and smiling up at him when he stood, since when Jongin looked at himself in the mirror, his hair was sticking straight up.
***
“What are you looking at, four-paws?”
One of the half-grown kittens of the feline variety in the cat cafe just looked away when Jongin talked to him. He’d been with Joonmyun almost a month. He liked his job, liked the walks they took to get food, or just to be out and walking. He liked the cafe, and the cats of all kinds, and to talk with Yixing. Another cat arrived in need of help, and Jongin felt himself go tense as Joonmyun talked with him. He went to a family who had a cat, to stay with them until he could find a permanent home.
Jongin couldn’t think about that. Yixing had held his hand and took him to a meeting, humans looking for cats and cats for humans. Joonmyun had helped select the humans, it seemed, and everywhere they were talking. Cats with coyly tilted heads, and nice clothes, and humans smiling at them, and he saw nothing in those smiles that he liked, nothing he wanted. Jongin spent hours in the bathtub after, washing away any of their smells with the lemon soap and whispering over and over that he didn’t need a human. By refusing to meet humans, he would never find one, he realized. He’d be alone. Maybe one-on-one was better, Joonmyun had soothed him, but Jongin didn’t think so. He could go to a cat group home, when there was a space open. He would leave the lemon soap, and Joonmyun singing along with the radio with too much enthusiasm, and midnight scrambled eggs, and napping against Joonmyun when he read, and Joonmyun’s cheers when he peeled an orange in one piece, and-
Maybe if he was a good enough cat, Joonmyun would wait a while longer, think twice about finding a human for him. He stopped just short of imagining himself as Joonmyun’s cat but he could stay there, help him with other cats. He could be a good cat.
And that thought had him up in the middle of the night, his nose smarting with the powder he’d poured to scrub out the bathtub with him. It made him think of his mother, his sisters, how clean the bathroom had smelled when he had helped them.
“Jongin?”
“I can help out,” Jongin said, not turning around at Joonmyun’s sleepy voice. “I’m a good cat. I can be a good cat.”
The rag dropped out of his shaking hand, and he turned off the water, turning around.
“Doesn’t it look good?”
Joonmyun stepped forward to see, and Jongin thought he looked too small in his sleeping shorts and t-shirt.
“It looks very good,” Joonmyun praised. “Could you not sleep?”
“I wanted….” Jongin’s voice trailed off.
“Cleaning doesn’t make a cat good or bad. Is there something else bothering you? We can talk.”
It was the middle of the night. He’d clearly woken Joonmyun up. So he shook his head, and ducked it, feeling the frustration rise. He’d wanted to do one thing right, so Joonmyun could-
Joonmyun’s hand was gentle, stroking his elbow and nothing more. “You did good, Jongin.”
“Can I sleep in your bed?” Jongin blurted, and actually closed his eyes because he couldn’t believe he asked, couldn’t believe how much he needed to just be close for a little longer.
“If that’s what you want,” Joonmyun told him.
It wouldn’t be his cold bed, where he’d think too much. He crept silently after Joonmyun after he washed his hands off from the cleaning.
“You can sleep on that side,” Joonmyun said, pointing to the side nearest the door.
The sheets were soft flannel and they rubbed at his skin, and the comforter was thick and soft. It was warmer than he kept his room but he liked it right then, because when the light went off, he could hear Joonmyun breathing.
“Let me know if you need anything,” Joonmyun said.
Jongin hitched the covers tighter beneath his chin, listening to every sound, the faint sound of cars on the road outside, the almost inaudible click of the oscillating fan, and Joonmyun slipping into sleep. If he moved his arm just a foot over, he could feel Joonmyun’s warmth, but he didn’t dare. Still, as the blanket radiated warmth back into him, he imagined it was Joonmyun instead.
He woke when Joonmyun did, staying still as Joonmyun rose and tucked the blanket down so that Jongin would not get cold before closing the door to the room. He listened as the bathroom door closed and opened, the sound of coffee being made. Even with Joonmyun gone, it still felt like he was there. And Jongin fell back asleep.
***
Jongin’s tail flicked as he watched Joonmyun put away dishes. No human he’d seen was like Joonmyun, almost unflappable, laughing at the most ridiculous things. He slept in Joonmyun’s bed again, and a few days later again. They had a Very Serious Talk about how it was okay, because Jongin needed to feel close, but that Joonmyun had no expectations of him. Jongin’s face flamed when he realized that Joonmyun maybe thought that Jongin wanted to be naked with him. That had drove him away for two days, but he’d slept terribly in his own bed, waking as though Joonmyun was going to leave the apartment, never to be seen again. The way Joonmyun touched him was something Jongin liked, the press of a hand on his shoulder to let Jongin know he was there, the way he took Jongin’s elbow on the sidewalk. Their hands brushed when they put away groceries, and Jongin went breathless in the night to imagine pressing his face against Joonmyun’s back, the way he curled all in on himself. He needed someone to hold, too, Jongin thought.
Jongin wondered if the other cats had slept in Joonmyun’s bed, or if he’d wanted them to, or if he liked cats napping against him, or telling him what he wanted to eat.
When Joonmyun was done with the dishes, Jongin stood, his words too much to be said as he had been. He wasn’t even sure what he was about to say, what he was trying to ask.
“You’ve had other cats here.”
Joonmyun brightened. “Yes! Oh. I’ll show you. I always take a picture with them the day they go to their new home.”
Jongin sat, shortening his neck as Joonmyun curled beside him with a photo album. And his ears flattened with each page turned.
“He was my second,” Joonmyun said, something fond in his voice. “He’d had a really rough time, so it took a while for him to trust me. I made sure there was a lock on your door after he came here, so that no cat would ever have to feel insecure. And oh, he loved to chase.”
Jongin’s heart started beating faster and faster, each page that was turned. Ten cats. Fifteen. Twenty. All of them had stayed with Joonmyun for a length of time, and then left. His eyes darted around the room. He loved that plant in the corner with the ripped leaf. He loved that bookcase that Joonmyun couldn’t keep straightened, with books hanging off shelves and resting sideways. He loved the TV with the cheerful sun rays peeking out the top of it, and the refrigerator, and the bowl Joonmyun served him cereal in, and-
“This cat was so patient,” Joonmyun said. “She was only here a week, but I knew there were better things for-“
Jongin pushed himself off the couch, racing not to his bedroom but to the bathroom, fumbling with the lock and crouching in the tub with his arms around his head.
“Jongin? Are you all right?”
“Yes! Leave me alone,” Jongin said, even though he thought that was the last thing he wanted. And he strained, listening for the answer that came shortly after.
“All right. I’ll be out here, if you need anything.”
He needed too many things, was the problem. He was trying to be-
Jongin blinked at the wall, as Joonmyun’s words came back to him. They had been said without Joonmyun’s typical smile. “All a cat needs is to be himself.” Jongin had nodded, filing the words away with Joonmyun’s typical cheering statements. But maybe Joonmyun believed it. Maybe he thought a cat who tried to not be himself wasn’t what Joonmyun wanted. Maybe Joonmyun wanted a cat who would talk back to him, and cuddle with him because he wanted to. Maybe Joonmyun wanted more, like Yixing and his human. All he could smell in the tub was the lemon shampoo, and he held the bottle until his heart stopped hammering. Maybe, he’d walked into A Cat of Tea because Joonmyun needed a cat like him, a cat who knew how to be himself. A cat who didn’t need a human, but wanted one. No other human would say his name just like Joonmyun, or listen to him. Maybe Joonmyun would wrestle with him, even, or let him pick out more movies, and do the funny nose-wrinkle when Joonmyun wasn’t sure what Jongin was even thinking, weirdo.
Jongin wasn’t weird. He was just a cat, who’d found that something he’d been trying to figure out. And he almost tiptoed out of the bathroom, surprised to find Joonmyun in the kitchen, with pushing something into the counter with flour spread around him.
“What are you doing?” he asked, hating the petulance in his voice.
“Making bread,” Joonmyun said, the heel of his hand pushing into the dough. “I find when I am anxious, this soothes me.”
He watched, unable to look away, fascinated by the play of Joonmyun’s forearms as he kneaded and folded, sprinkling flour and humming just under his breath.
“Don’t you want a cat you can keep forever?” Jongin blurted.
Joonmyun’s eyes were so soft when they met his, almost understanding in a way, so much so that Jongin wanted to retreat to the bathroom and hide again. If Joonmyun knew his thoughts, then there could be pity. Maybe every cat who stayed with Joonmyun wanted to stay with him forever. Maybe he was used to soothing the hurt of it. But none of them could have felt just the way Jongin felt. It wasn’t possible.
“I had a cat once,” Joonmyun said, a smile on his face even as his dark lashes dipped down. “It was not right for either of us, after a while. He moved on. I promised myself I would help as many cats as I could, and I have.”
Jongin accepted the small hunk of dough that Joonmyun offered him, watching Joonmyun and copying his actions. It felt squishy and yet firm, pliable and stretchy and just a bit tacky under his fingers. It smelled of yeast and butter and good things, and Jongin could see why Joonmyun found the repetitive action soothing.
“I have seen so many cats,” Joonmyun said. “I have seen ones who are scared, and ones who are bold, and ones who just need a chance to find someone to love. Some have been hurt, and some never have. All of them need security, and a hand that will help them no matter what they have been through. Some cats are territorial of their humans. If I had a cat of my own… It might limit what I could do.”
“I would not be,” Jongin said, and once more Joonmyun looked at him. Jongin swallowed, feeling the bread dough squish between his fingers as he squeezed it tight. “I would not be territorial if y- if my human wanted to help other cats. I would not complain and try to chase cats out who needed help. I could help them, too, like Yixing does in the cafe. If I was tired, I wouldn’t. But I could.”
“That would be lovely, Jongin. I know what it feels like to want to help.”
Joonmyun winced when Jongin scraped the dough on his hands off onto a towel, but Jongin couldn’t wait to wash.
“If I was your cat, I could help you,” Jongin said, stepping up beside Joonmyun and waiting for Joonmyun to meet his eyes. He saw the shock, the way Joonmyun inhaled, the way his jaw fell slightly, the widening of his eyes as he tried to read Jongin’s face.
And Jongin had to look away, slipping down to his knees and gripping Joonmyun’s trousers.
“Oh. Jongin.”
He blinked away the wet that threatened, letting go as Joonmyun crouched to be even with him. A flour covered hand stroked the back of his head, rubbing in gentle swipes against his neck.
“Some cats really bond to the first place of safety. I’m not saying that’s what you’re feeling, but I’ve seen it. When they become secure, they see what their options are. They find a new place of safety. I know it sounds as though I am bragging, but I am not the only one who treats cats well.”
“I know,” Jongin said. “I do feel safe here. But it isn’t the place that- I don’t want to stay with the place.”
Not all humans looked the same, or smelled the same, or sounded the same. They didn’t have the same smiles, or laughs, or waggling fingers. Another human wasn’t Joonmyun. He hadn’t even known what he was looking for, until Joonmyun.
He surged forward, gripping Joonmyun’s shirt and holding him just long enough so that he could press a kiss against Joonmyun’s mouth. His face flamed even as a laugh hiccuped through him, because the second he let go, Joonmyun planted right onto his butt.
“Do many cats do that?” Jongin asked, almost sulky with it, his tail sweeping around in front of him.
He watched Joonmyun swallow. “No. They… No. Jongin.”
His name was so soft from Joonmyun’s lips that it made his fingers curl. He wanted to feel that against his face, feel it go joyful for him.
“You say that the cats are waiting for their places, but haven’t you been waiting for your cat?”
Joonmyun nodded wordlessly, and Jongin leaned into his opening arms, pressing up against his chest and nearly purring at the feeling of being held. He nuzzled up under Joonmyun’s chin, listening to his slowing heart beat. Yes. He was comforted as well.
“This feels like home.”
Joonmyun smelled of yeast and flour and sweat and lemon and very much himself. A kiss was pressed to the top of his head, gentle fingers scratching behind his ears.
“I’m so glad,” Joonmyun breathed against him.
“You won’t make me go before we’re sure?”
Joonmyun made only a sound, pulling Jongin closer, tighter. Even if the floor was hard and cold, he would not have moved. He almost wiggled when the thought hit him that if he was staying, he could move his bag into Joonmyun’s room, sleep in Joonmyun’s bed, and leave the other room open for a cat who needed a safe place.
He did purr then, under Joonmyun’s stroking hand.
It was only after that he realized why Joonmyun had been so affected by Jongin’s choice of words. None of the other cats that had stayed with Joonmyun, none that had stayed many weeks or ones who Joonmyun had gotten very fond of, had ever referred to Joonmyun as home.
***
Pairing: Suho/Kai
Rating: PG
Genre: AU, catboys
Prompt: Catboy!Jongin is insecure and without a home, and Joonmyun is able to help.
***
There were a number of cat rescues, cat group houses, cat foster agencies. There weren’t so many cat businesses, though, at least not ones that were fit for all ages. Jongin had considered one of the alternatives - Claws Unsheathed was one of the most famous strip joints in the city, with only cats who danced and played escort. Neither were frowned on since it got cats off the street and out of the government group homes. He’d heard fairy tale stories of cats that had bared their bodies there, found a rich master and been swept away. Jongin had been at the door during open evaluations, and he’d walked away.
Some of the more independent cats, even if they had a human, preferred not to consider themselves as owned or kept. Cared for. Partnered with. Jongin wasn’t sure about that. From the first time he’d considered it, he’d been prepared that he would one day want a master or mistress to see to his care, his needs.
A Cat of Tea was the alternative. Tea and coffeehouse, also exclusively staffed by cats. It was human owned, part of a rescue. It was for cats between owners, cats looking for owners, cats who just needed a safe place where they wouldn’t ever be asked to provide their bodies as payment.
A cat behind the counter lifted his head as Jongin slipped into the cafe. He was wearing a beat-up hoodie to hide his ears, his tail uncomfortably down the leg of his pants and chafing. But a cat knew a cat.
“Tiffany, get Joonmyun,” the cat said, and came around to grip both of Jongin’s cold hands. “My name is Yixing. Come, sit with me.”
Yixing stayed with him until a mug of warm milk laced with something sweet was placed in front of him, and a human took Yixing’s place.
The smile was soft, and his ears twitched to see it.
“My name is Joonmyun. How can we help you?”
***
There were foster families. Yixing had found his home, some of the others were still looking. But Yixing helped Joonmyun with new arrivals, and to vet any humans who came around expressing interest. They were a cat cafe. Sometimes there were scratches to ears - some of the high school girls liked to do that affectionately - but little else. They weren’t a matchmaking cafe. Humans went through a different building entirely, if they wanted to be a foster family, or to find a cat of their own. The only requirement for being a foster family that they have a cat already, and that cat also be interviewed. Very few humans, it seemed, fostered cats without already having one. Their goal, Joonmyun told him, was not to put cats in homes they would need to leave, but to find them a safe place to stay until they found somewhere they could stay in long term, or if it was their desire, find a human or family to make a life with.
“I just had my last cat to stay with me move to his new home last week,” Joonmyun told him. “I don’t have a cat, but it’s a safe place. Your room locks in case you are ever afraid. If that makes you uncomfortable, I can-“
“It’s fine,” Jongin said, ducking his head.
A place to sleep. He didn’t care if there were a dozen humans and no cats.
“You’ll be safe,” Yixing assured him, pulling him close and putting a wrapped muffin into his hands. “He’ll take care of you.”
They left with a bag of clothes estimated to be Jongin’s size, since Jongin had nothing else, and Joonmyun walking beside him. But the cold was an affront, making him clutch at his arms.
“It’s not far,” Joonmyun said, and walked a little quicker.
But Joonmyun was right. The door locked in the room Jongin was led to. Joonmyun never entered more than two feet into it, just far enough to put Jongin’s bag of clothes onto a dresser and a few moments later, a couple of towels and wash cloths. The bed was already neatly made, a shelf of books on one wall with a small TV, a desk beside the bed, and a couple of landscape photographs on the wall. It was inoffensive and still welcoming.
“If you want to shower, and try on some of these clothes, you can. Anything that is in the bathroom, you can use freely. I think I’m about ready for dinner, what about you?”
Jongin had been prepared to feed himself some of the muffin Yixing had given him, and his stomach keened, making Joonmyun smile.
“What’s your favorite thing to eat?”
It took only a moment before he answered, “Beef.”
“I’ll start making something, then. You’re welcome here, Jongin.”
And Joonmyun shut the door behind himself, leaving Jongin still half pressed against the dresser. But with some clothes, he crept across the hall, locking himself into the bathroom. There were some cat-marketed soaps and shampoos in a little caddy, along with body scrubs and razors and everything he could possibly want. But he didn’t linger, enjoying the hot spray and rubbing his hair dry. The smell of the soap was chased away from him by the smell of caramelizing beef, and he stood still, frozen by it. He’d had only to say it, and Joonmyun-
Joonmyun was humoring him on his first day there. Maybe it would be gruel the next day. He didn’t want to think Joonmyun was trying to soften him for…other things.
But Joonmyun fixed him a plate, cut up pieces of beef, a spicy noodle dish, and egg casserole that tasted like one of the kinds that they sold frozen. He ate on one side of the counter, and Joonmyun standing against the far corner. Even as fast as he ate, Joonmyun finished first.
“Take your time,” Joonmyun said. “There’s more if you want, or more for later.”
And he began to wash dishes, like it was normal to have a cat bolting food, uncomfortable. But he relaxed, enjoying the taste, as he stared at Joonmyun’s back. He opted for no more, and Joonmyun made up a little dish labeled with Jongin’s name, putting it in the fridge for later.
“You can put that in the microwave for a couple of minutes any time you get hungry,” Joonmyun said. “No need to wait for me. Your TV is hooked up, so you can use that or the one out here any time. I have wifi, and there’s a netbook in the top drawer of your dresser that you can use. It’s already set up, all you have to do is turn it on. The books and movies, anything you can use. Food or drinks, anything. If I ever have to leave you here alone, you can treat this as your home. Okay?”
“Okay,” he mumbled. And he fled, locking himself in his room. He didn’t touch the TV, or the netbook, or the dresser which he was sure was stocked with paper or pens. He curled on his side on the bed, and stared at the wall. It was too much to take in. Too much.
***
Jongin placed himself in the corner of the living room furthest from Joonmyun, the place easiest to escape from. Two days in, he had no reason to believe anything bad of Joonmyun. The humans that stopped by seemed to like him, the cats in the cafe thought he was kind of a bit strange but harmless. He wondered if he would have been more comfortable if there was another cat there, someone he could curl behind and talk to. He understood there were only so many places cats could stay, and that Joonmyun held himself to a higher standard.
“Yes, that’s why legislation is needed so that cats can remove themselves from any situation they deem unfit for themselves, be that abusive, emotionally unfulfilling-“
Joonmyun adjusted the phone at his ear, tapping the pen in his hand into the paper like it was some kind of dagger, as whoever it was on the other end of the phone talked to him. And when he spoke again, his face was making incredibly inappropriate faces for the seriousness of his words, as though he was mocking whoever was on the other end.
Jongin had to bury his face in a cushion to keep from laughing.
In the year - two? - Since he had lived near humans, he had forgotten a lot of things. When he had still been young, living with the couple who took care of his mother and his sisters, he had been content to sit on laps, and peer over counters. And then he’d grown up. And when he’d discovered he would be sold, as his sisters had been, he’d run away. It was technically illegal to sell cats, but people did it anyway, pretending as though they were bartering something else that wasn’t a cat. His sisters had been able to choose between humans, but he still could not imagine being forced to meet that many people, make a decision like that. Not that being alone on the street had been easy, either. He’d been so wistful, looking at the humans with their jobs, walking alongside cats as he slept in covered ditches and made due with food he could find. He hoarded a little pile of food in his room, not in a drawer or under the bed, but tucked up in a corner where Joonmyun might not think to look.
Joonmyun made attempts to get to know him, never during meals which Jongin appreciated, but after when he offered a towel to Jongin in case he wanted to help dry the dishes. Jongin never accepted, but Joonmyun still tried.
“Would you rather be with a woman, or a man, or with a family? Or would you rather live alone?” Joonmyun asked, flipping the towel so it rested over his shoulder.
“A man,” Jongin said, ears twitching at the sound of the dishes clanking together. “I think.”
“What you want is what we’ll find for you,” Joonmyun assured him.
And Jongin fled, the echo of Joonmyun saying “alone” staying with him.
***
It was clever, human cats and feline cats, but only one variety open to be petted and cuddled. Maybe the other cats served food and made coffee, but they were decidedly off limits. Jongin had let Joonmyun cajole him out to the cafe to meet some of the others, to see if he would like to help out there sometime.
“It doesn’t have to be in front with the customers,” Joonmyun said. “We’ll only stay about twenty minutes today. You can have a drink while I get some paperwork done, and I’ll show you around before we go.”
So they went, and Jongin sat with a cup of tea, lowering his head every time a human looked at him. He didn’t think he could do it, work where there were people looking at him, expecting things from him.
“Joonmyun won’t be long,” Yixing said, pressing against Jongin’s side as another cat took his place behind the counter.
“I like it here but I don’t know if I could-“
“It’s not for everyone, out here. But there are also the offices, and dishes to be done, and cleaning after hours. Joonmyun knows we are all different, and he tries to help us. Don’t worry. Do you want a human?”
Jongin frowned into his cup, imagining some stranger taking his hand and leading him. He thought of Joonmyun showing him his room, standing outside of it and smiling as though Jongin was valued.
“Maybe,” Jongin said. “You have a human?”
“I do have one,” Yixing said. “Tells me I have my tail wrapped around him. We’ve helped a few cats between times, but… Our place is too small for it to be more than a day or two.”
Yixing sounded sad, but Jongin did not think he could be too sad, if he had a human who catered to him. He really wanted a human, if he was really honest. Just being with Joonmyun made the thought of living alone as some cats did seem nauseating. He wanted to push Yixing out of the way and find Joonmyun and curl around him, and even that scared him, how much he wanted.
“Joonmyun will want me to leave soon.”
Yixing stroked his arm. “Only when you’re ready.”
***
Jongin wanted something so much, to be…something. He couldn’t even put words to it. He buried his head under a pillow when Joonmyun vacuumed, and fled into the bathroom after Joonmyun had showered to rid himself of any dust that had been kicked up. It was warm and hazy, and smelled of lemon and cucumber, and Jongin stood beneath the spray wondering if that was why he could smell lemons every time Joonmyun got anywhere near him. He crouched down, opening the bottle and breathing into it. And the next thing he knew, he was scrubbing it into his hair and shuddering under the warm water.
He could hear Joonmyun humming as he typed when he snuck back across the hall to the bathroom. One of his chores with his mother had been to clean that room, and he had not done anything for Joonmyun, not anything. He wiped down the mirror, the counters, with spray he found under the sink, and scrubbed the tub and showerhead. He averted his eyes and cleaned out the drain catcher, used the brush and some powder to clean the toilet and then both sides of the seat. A wipe of a wet wash cloth along the smooth floor got everything else
He was pleased with himself. The arranged bottles, no toothpaste in the sink. And that carried him all the way to Joonmyun’s bedroom door, pausing for a second as he watched Joonmyun carefully folding his socks.
“I cleaned the bathroom,” Jongin announced. And Joonmyun lifted his head, his lips parting. “I know how to clean a bathroom, so I did. Did you want to see?”
He needed that. Validation. Verification. Not to go to bed and wonder if Joonmyun would say anything, and hope.
“Yes, I do.”
And Jongin slipped back, letting Joonmyun pass him on the way to the bathroom, and his toes curled under at the sounds Joonmyun made as he investigated what Jongin had done.
“I thought I had been thorough before you got here, but I guess I was wrong,” Joonmyun said with a throaty laugh. “Thank you, Jongin. It looks wonderful.”
Jongin nodded, backing up until his spine was pressed up against the frame of his own bedroom door.
“I know you said I didn’t have to, but. I can.”
Joonmyun smiled at him, never leaving the opposite doorway. “Yes. Sometimes it helps to be able to do what we can.”
“I don’t like the vacuum,” Jongin sulked.
To his credit, Joonmyun didn’t blink. “All right. You don’t have to touch that.”
“I can wash dishes, though.”
“I can give you space in the kitchen? Okay. Tomorrow, whenever you want to.”
“Okay. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Jongin.”
Joonmyun was still smiling when he closed and locked his bedroom door, leaving Joonmyun in the hallway. But it was something. The bathroom wasn’t his, but he’d cleaned it, and it was something.
***
Joonmyun seemed to absorb information about him. His favorite foods, that he was sensitive to sounds, that he was addicted to Joonmyun’s lemon shampoo. A larger bottle magically appeared in the bathroom, and it was almost, almost like being close to Joonmyun. Every other day they went with to the cafe and Jongin sat with his ears down in the corner as other cats filed by to talk to him, get to know him. There was a new litter of kittens and Jongin cuddled them. He would start, it seemed, by filing papers in the Cat Hope office where Joonmyun worked when he wasn’t at the cafe. He’d get wages, immediately, and they wouldn’t hold them so he could get away if he needed to. He’d have money of his own. He’d never even used money before he’d left his mother, and that had been money he’d found abandoned, hoarding change so he could buy food. But he didn’t have to do that any more, curled in Joonmyun’s living room and watching him talk and read a book at the same time.
“There aren’t enough humans we think are worthy for our cats,” Joonmyun sighed one day. “And of those, there aren’t enough to fit right. When it happens, it’s amazing. I want every cat to be happy, to find a home they’re secure in, and I don’t care how long it takes me to find it. I just wish some cats didn’t have to wait so long.”
Jongin frowned, sinking deeper into his corner of the couch. “Why did you take me in?”
“It was a matter of circumstance, and you were also afraid. I knew I could give you security. Or I hoped I could.”
Joonmyun adjusted his glasses, focusing on his book again as Jongin wriggled. Yes. He had security. He didn’t have a lot of things, but there was that. Food, a warm bed, clean clothes. He was comfortable. He liked comfortable.
He stared at Joonmyun’s shoulder as though it was going to burst into flames. It was wrong for it to be so close to him, so far from him, so available yet unavailable at the same time. He had not touched Joonmyun. Should not. But he wore something that smelled nice, not something that appealed to cats but something else. His nose twitched, and he leaned in. Plus, the sweater Joonmyun wore was soft and fuzzy, like it would catch against his ears and be fun to rub against.
Jongin stilled when Joonmyun looked over at him, pausing for a moment before inclining his shoulder as though in offer.
“No!” Jongin said, scooting back.
“That’s okay,” Joonmyun said. “You don’t have to. You never have to.”
And he turned his attention back to his book.
After a few moments, Jongin ventured, “Did you want me to?”
Joonmyun looked up, to the wall, as though measuring his words. “It was an offer, since I would not have minded. But you weren’t required to take it.”
“But I could,” Jongin said.
Joonmyun nodded, humming, and looking back down.
“I don’t need a human.”
At that, Joonmyun genuinely looked surprised, nodding vigorously.
“Of course you don’t. Most cats are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, making their own decisions about their lives and the humans they choose to interact with. Humans might like to keep them at our mercy, but things are changing. I think the nicest thing about a relationship with a cat or a human is that there is mutual admiration and need. There’s a difference between wanting to be needed, and needing control over another person. Cats are genetically different, but the genome is so close- Oh.“
Jongin’s forehead ramming into Joonmyun’s shoulder had its intended effect, cutting off the flow of words in Joonmyun’s speech. The silence was much nicer, as was the lowered shoulder so Jongin could get the whole top of his head onto it. Little by little over half an hour, Joonmyun kept turning pages, and Jongin slowly got closer, until even his cheek was supported against Joonmyun. He squinted at the words, and decided he wasn’t interested in that as much as he was in the warmth and the contact. Something innocent, warm, and lovely. Something he’d missed.
He fell asleep, purring to the sound of Joonmyun’s breathing and the gentle movement of his shoulder.
He woke with his head on a pillow, Joonmyun scrambling eggs in a pan and smiling up at him when he stood, since when Jongin looked at himself in the mirror, his hair was sticking straight up.
***
“What are you looking at, four-paws?”
One of the half-grown kittens of the feline variety in the cat cafe just looked away when Jongin talked to him. He’d been with Joonmyun almost a month. He liked his job, liked the walks they took to get food, or just to be out and walking. He liked the cafe, and the cats of all kinds, and to talk with Yixing. Another cat arrived in need of help, and Jongin felt himself go tense as Joonmyun talked with him. He went to a family who had a cat, to stay with them until he could find a permanent home.
Jongin couldn’t think about that. Yixing had held his hand and took him to a meeting, humans looking for cats and cats for humans. Joonmyun had helped select the humans, it seemed, and everywhere they were talking. Cats with coyly tilted heads, and nice clothes, and humans smiling at them, and he saw nothing in those smiles that he liked, nothing he wanted. Jongin spent hours in the bathtub after, washing away any of their smells with the lemon soap and whispering over and over that he didn’t need a human. By refusing to meet humans, he would never find one, he realized. He’d be alone. Maybe one-on-one was better, Joonmyun had soothed him, but Jongin didn’t think so. He could go to a cat group home, when there was a space open. He would leave the lemon soap, and Joonmyun singing along with the radio with too much enthusiasm, and midnight scrambled eggs, and napping against Joonmyun when he read, and Joonmyun’s cheers when he peeled an orange in one piece, and-
Maybe if he was a good enough cat, Joonmyun would wait a while longer, think twice about finding a human for him. He stopped just short of imagining himself as Joonmyun’s cat but he could stay there, help him with other cats. He could be a good cat.
And that thought had him up in the middle of the night, his nose smarting with the powder he’d poured to scrub out the bathtub with him. It made him think of his mother, his sisters, how clean the bathroom had smelled when he had helped them.
“Jongin?”
“I can help out,” Jongin said, not turning around at Joonmyun’s sleepy voice. “I’m a good cat. I can be a good cat.”
The rag dropped out of his shaking hand, and he turned off the water, turning around.
“Doesn’t it look good?”
Joonmyun stepped forward to see, and Jongin thought he looked too small in his sleeping shorts and t-shirt.
“It looks very good,” Joonmyun praised. “Could you not sleep?”
“I wanted….” Jongin’s voice trailed off.
“Cleaning doesn’t make a cat good or bad. Is there something else bothering you? We can talk.”
It was the middle of the night. He’d clearly woken Joonmyun up. So he shook his head, and ducked it, feeling the frustration rise. He’d wanted to do one thing right, so Joonmyun could-
Joonmyun’s hand was gentle, stroking his elbow and nothing more. “You did good, Jongin.”
“Can I sleep in your bed?” Jongin blurted, and actually closed his eyes because he couldn’t believe he asked, couldn’t believe how much he needed to just be close for a little longer.
“If that’s what you want,” Joonmyun told him.
It wouldn’t be his cold bed, where he’d think too much. He crept silently after Joonmyun after he washed his hands off from the cleaning.
“You can sleep on that side,” Joonmyun said, pointing to the side nearest the door.
The sheets were soft flannel and they rubbed at his skin, and the comforter was thick and soft. It was warmer than he kept his room but he liked it right then, because when the light went off, he could hear Joonmyun breathing.
“Let me know if you need anything,” Joonmyun said.
Jongin hitched the covers tighter beneath his chin, listening to every sound, the faint sound of cars on the road outside, the almost inaudible click of the oscillating fan, and Joonmyun slipping into sleep. If he moved his arm just a foot over, he could feel Joonmyun’s warmth, but he didn’t dare. Still, as the blanket radiated warmth back into him, he imagined it was Joonmyun instead.
He woke when Joonmyun did, staying still as Joonmyun rose and tucked the blanket down so that Jongin would not get cold before closing the door to the room. He listened as the bathroom door closed and opened, the sound of coffee being made. Even with Joonmyun gone, it still felt like he was there. And Jongin fell back asleep.
***
Jongin’s tail flicked as he watched Joonmyun put away dishes. No human he’d seen was like Joonmyun, almost unflappable, laughing at the most ridiculous things. He slept in Joonmyun’s bed again, and a few days later again. They had a Very Serious Talk about how it was okay, because Jongin needed to feel close, but that Joonmyun had no expectations of him. Jongin’s face flamed when he realized that Joonmyun maybe thought that Jongin wanted to be naked with him. That had drove him away for two days, but he’d slept terribly in his own bed, waking as though Joonmyun was going to leave the apartment, never to be seen again. The way Joonmyun touched him was something Jongin liked, the press of a hand on his shoulder to let Jongin know he was there, the way he took Jongin’s elbow on the sidewalk. Their hands brushed when they put away groceries, and Jongin went breathless in the night to imagine pressing his face against Joonmyun’s back, the way he curled all in on himself. He needed someone to hold, too, Jongin thought.
Jongin wondered if the other cats had slept in Joonmyun’s bed, or if he’d wanted them to, or if he liked cats napping against him, or telling him what he wanted to eat.
When Joonmyun was done with the dishes, Jongin stood, his words too much to be said as he had been. He wasn’t even sure what he was about to say, what he was trying to ask.
“You’ve had other cats here.”
Joonmyun brightened. “Yes! Oh. I’ll show you. I always take a picture with them the day they go to their new home.”
Jongin sat, shortening his neck as Joonmyun curled beside him with a photo album. And his ears flattened with each page turned.
“He was my second,” Joonmyun said, something fond in his voice. “He’d had a really rough time, so it took a while for him to trust me. I made sure there was a lock on your door after he came here, so that no cat would ever have to feel insecure. And oh, he loved to chase.”
Jongin’s heart started beating faster and faster, each page that was turned. Ten cats. Fifteen. Twenty. All of them had stayed with Joonmyun for a length of time, and then left. His eyes darted around the room. He loved that plant in the corner with the ripped leaf. He loved that bookcase that Joonmyun couldn’t keep straightened, with books hanging off shelves and resting sideways. He loved the TV with the cheerful sun rays peeking out the top of it, and the refrigerator, and the bowl Joonmyun served him cereal in, and-
“This cat was so patient,” Joonmyun said. “She was only here a week, but I knew there were better things for-“
Jongin pushed himself off the couch, racing not to his bedroom but to the bathroom, fumbling with the lock and crouching in the tub with his arms around his head.
“Jongin? Are you all right?”
“Yes! Leave me alone,” Jongin said, even though he thought that was the last thing he wanted. And he strained, listening for the answer that came shortly after.
“All right. I’ll be out here, if you need anything.”
He needed too many things, was the problem. He was trying to be-
Jongin blinked at the wall, as Joonmyun’s words came back to him. They had been said without Joonmyun’s typical smile. “All a cat needs is to be himself.” Jongin had nodded, filing the words away with Joonmyun’s typical cheering statements. But maybe Joonmyun believed it. Maybe he thought a cat who tried to not be himself wasn’t what Joonmyun wanted. Maybe Joonmyun wanted a cat who would talk back to him, and cuddle with him because he wanted to. Maybe Joonmyun wanted more, like Yixing and his human. All he could smell in the tub was the lemon shampoo, and he held the bottle until his heart stopped hammering. Maybe, he’d walked into A Cat of Tea because Joonmyun needed a cat like him, a cat who knew how to be himself. A cat who didn’t need a human, but wanted one. No other human would say his name just like Joonmyun, or listen to him. Maybe Joonmyun would wrestle with him, even, or let him pick out more movies, and do the funny nose-wrinkle when Joonmyun wasn’t sure what Jongin was even thinking, weirdo.
Jongin wasn’t weird. He was just a cat, who’d found that something he’d been trying to figure out. And he almost tiptoed out of the bathroom, surprised to find Joonmyun in the kitchen, with pushing something into the counter with flour spread around him.
“What are you doing?” he asked, hating the petulance in his voice.
“Making bread,” Joonmyun said, the heel of his hand pushing into the dough. “I find when I am anxious, this soothes me.”
He watched, unable to look away, fascinated by the play of Joonmyun’s forearms as he kneaded and folded, sprinkling flour and humming just under his breath.
“Don’t you want a cat you can keep forever?” Jongin blurted.
Joonmyun’s eyes were so soft when they met his, almost understanding in a way, so much so that Jongin wanted to retreat to the bathroom and hide again. If Joonmyun knew his thoughts, then there could be pity. Maybe every cat who stayed with Joonmyun wanted to stay with him forever. Maybe he was used to soothing the hurt of it. But none of them could have felt just the way Jongin felt. It wasn’t possible.
“I had a cat once,” Joonmyun said, a smile on his face even as his dark lashes dipped down. “It was not right for either of us, after a while. He moved on. I promised myself I would help as many cats as I could, and I have.”
Jongin accepted the small hunk of dough that Joonmyun offered him, watching Joonmyun and copying his actions. It felt squishy and yet firm, pliable and stretchy and just a bit tacky under his fingers. It smelled of yeast and butter and good things, and Jongin could see why Joonmyun found the repetitive action soothing.
“I have seen so many cats,” Joonmyun said. “I have seen ones who are scared, and ones who are bold, and ones who just need a chance to find someone to love. Some have been hurt, and some never have. All of them need security, and a hand that will help them no matter what they have been through. Some cats are territorial of their humans. If I had a cat of my own… It might limit what I could do.”
“I would not be,” Jongin said, and once more Joonmyun looked at him. Jongin swallowed, feeling the bread dough squish between his fingers as he squeezed it tight. “I would not be territorial if y- if my human wanted to help other cats. I would not complain and try to chase cats out who needed help. I could help them, too, like Yixing does in the cafe. If I was tired, I wouldn’t. But I could.”
“That would be lovely, Jongin. I know what it feels like to want to help.”
Joonmyun winced when Jongin scraped the dough on his hands off onto a towel, but Jongin couldn’t wait to wash.
“If I was your cat, I could help you,” Jongin said, stepping up beside Joonmyun and waiting for Joonmyun to meet his eyes. He saw the shock, the way Joonmyun inhaled, the way his jaw fell slightly, the widening of his eyes as he tried to read Jongin’s face.
And Jongin had to look away, slipping down to his knees and gripping Joonmyun’s trousers.
“Oh. Jongin.”
He blinked away the wet that threatened, letting go as Joonmyun crouched to be even with him. A flour covered hand stroked the back of his head, rubbing in gentle swipes against his neck.
“Some cats really bond to the first place of safety. I’m not saying that’s what you’re feeling, but I’ve seen it. When they become secure, they see what their options are. They find a new place of safety. I know it sounds as though I am bragging, but I am not the only one who treats cats well.”
“I know,” Jongin said. “I do feel safe here. But it isn’t the place that- I don’t want to stay with the place.”
Not all humans looked the same, or smelled the same, or sounded the same. They didn’t have the same smiles, or laughs, or waggling fingers. Another human wasn’t Joonmyun. He hadn’t even known what he was looking for, until Joonmyun.
He surged forward, gripping Joonmyun’s shirt and holding him just long enough so that he could press a kiss against Joonmyun’s mouth. His face flamed even as a laugh hiccuped through him, because the second he let go, Joonmyun planted right onto his butt.
“Do many cats do that?” Jongin asked, almost sulky with it, his tail sweeping around in front of him.
He watched Joonmyun swallow. “No. They… No. Jongin.”
His name was so soft from Joonmyun’s lips that it made his fingers curl. He wanted to feel that against his face, feel it go joyful for him.
“You say that the cats are waiting for their places, but haven’t you been waiting for your cat?”
Joonmyun nodded wordlessly, and Jongin leaned into his opening arms, pressing up against his chest and nearly purring at the feeling of being held. He nuzzled up under Joonmyun’s chin, listening to his slowing heart beat. Yes. He was comforted as well.
“This feels like home.”
Joonmyun smelled of yeast and flour and sweat and lemon and very much himself. A kiss was pressed to the top of his head, gentle fingers scratching behind his ears.
“I’m so glad,” Joonmyun breathed against him.
“You won’t make me go before we’re sure?”
Joonmyun made only a sound, pulling Jongin closer, tighter. Even if the floor was hard and cold, he would not have moved. He almost wiggled when the thought hit him that if he was staying, he could move his bag into Joonmyun’s room, sleep in Joonmyun’s bed, and leave the other room open for a cat who needed a safe place.
He did purr then, under Joonmyun’s stroking hand.
It was only after that he realized why Joonmyun had been so affected by Jongin’s choice of words. None of the other cats that had stayed with Joonmyun, none that had stayed many weeks or ones who Joonmyun had gotten very fond of, had ever referred to Joonmyun as home.
***