mix: a life in 10 songs (spn: adam milligan)
[.]
You've probably heard of Supernatural: it's that show where two pretty brothers go around the country killing stuff that goes bump in the night. Well, in the fourth season, they introduced a surprise! half-brother, and went further with the surprise by ending the episode with the reveal that 'lol he's been dead since before you met him I'm a ghoul pretending to be him'. The brothers Winchester give Adam's ghoul-eaten corpse a hunter's burial, and that's that. Until the next season, when he's resurrected by the angels to be the emergency back-up vessel for the archangel Michael, so Michael can fight Lucifer and, y'know, end the world. Long story short, Adam says yes (although by that point he didn't really want to), there's a grand showdown, and Michael, Adam, Lucifer, and Sam all get thrown into hell and locked in Lucifer's cage. Sam makes it out, and his soul does too eventually, but Adam? Well.
MEDIAFIRE || SENDSPACE || 8TRACKS
John wasn't really a father. Fathers were what his friends had (and complained about) - they were there everyday (or they weren't, but at least they were a voice on the phone or handwriting on birthday cards). John was like an uncle he hadn't met until he turned twelve and nosy.
But John did one thing for him. He sat him down behind the wheel of his beast of a car (his mom drove a rattler of a '85 sedan, nowhere near the same). He got his first driving lesson from the man he called dad (the five times he saw him).
①
a young boy, two hands on the wheel
i can't replace the way it made me feel
and i would press that clutch
and i would keep it right
and he'd say, a little slower son, you're doing just fine
"drive (for daddy gene)" - alan jackson
so now you’re young and you feel alone
despite friends family and all the good things now surrounding you
you can’t help thinking, “oh there’s gotta be some more to do”
when all the things that you cherish
turn into burdens then there is
no other path to take
②
He has to get away, even if 'away' is less than two hundred miles from home and one state over. It's nothing to do with his mother - Kate Milligan is his whole world, and he means that in the least creepy-Norman-Bates way possible - he just needs to spread his metaphorical and highly cliche wings.
He's going to return to Windom one day, hopefully not too long in the future, with a doctorate or a nursing degree, and he's going to work at the same place that took his mom's nights all his life.
He's looking forward to it.
"if only for memories" - toh kay
③
i was a young boy, little did i not believe
i had a hole in my heart and i was looking for a piece that fit
the next time i was privy to the dirty secrets of the little hidden clues
"the littlest things" - streetlight manifesto
there's blood spilled on the floor
everyone's staring at you, what for?
until you realize the blood is probably yours
④
"accidentl deth" - rilo kiley
⑤
well, look way down the river, what do you think i see? i see a band of angels and they're coming after me
ain't no grave can hold my body down
"ain't no grave" - johnny cash
i wonder where i'll be at the end of the world?
[...]
i'll change the world before i go
that's all i know
⑥
"oldest trick in the book" - less than jake
First, there was his dad (sperm donor), who does a half-assed job, impregnates a nurse, and leaves town.
Then there's the other half of the ass, which pops up to murder him and his mother (eat them alive), and then some bald guy (why would an angel choose to be bald?) pulls him out of the dance and tells him he gets to fight Satan (doesn't tell him about lungs full of dirt and almost dying again, of course not).
And then there's 'death sentence' and 'apocalypse' and half-brothers too little, too late, and he's choking on mouthfuls of blood and there's a light-
⑦
i tried to be nice
i tried to live my life
but everyone else is an asshole
i tried to forgive
i tried to live and let live
but everyone else is an asshole
"everyone else is an asshole" - reel big fish
i said you got me where you want me
again and i can't turn away
i'm hanging by thread
and i'm feelin' like a fool
i'm stuck here in-between
the shadows of my yesterday
i want to get away
i need to get away
⑧
He had to carve out a place in his own mind (his mind) for a space to breathe in-out in-out in those moments when he knows who he is, what he is (he's not the bright-bright-BRIGHT fire pain POWER) and it was worse because he knew, knew, that he only had that place (just behind the frontal lobe is lovely this time of year) because Michael let him (was too busy impotently whining at his brother).
But every second of distraction was another inch deeper he dug his nails into his mind, into himself. He may have said yes, but he didn't say forever.
"back against the wall" - cage the elephant
Once he had a thought drip-drip-drip like paint down the walls that there was more than this pain pain fire freeze cold burn badbad that thoughts were thunk and not drip-drip-drip dribbled from his ears from his tongue from his guts across the ground
Sometimes-sometimes they the terrifying one and the terrifying other rip at themselves and he drip-drip-dribbles into memories lady with soft hands soft smile soft laugh, car hard-metal black, confusion-elation-disappointment-hope HOPE
And his blood drip-drip-drips hope hope hope one day, one day...
⑨
when i get back from hell again
i'm gonna be so elegant
the relevance of my benevolence is evident
i'm sentimental
oh no I mean i'm said to be mental
when i don't get what i want
i find it's hard just to be gentle
gentle? The rental of some self control
when you lose your mind
is when you start to find your soul
"back from hell" - dan le sac vs scroobius pip
No one ever finds out what happened to the Milligans (a mystery, whispered about over campfires on dark Minnesotan nights, heads bent over flashlights with the ending different every time). A service is held when the police call off their search, a plaque put up at the hospital Kate spent twenty-three years at, the high school retires Adam's old basketball jersey number, and their house lies empty and becomes abandoned.
And five years later, all that's left is a faded memory in the minds of their friends, and a legend that grows and twists in the telling (there wasn't a wolf, or a serial killer - clown masked or otherwise), names long forgotten.
"don't you (forget about me)" - simple minds
