what to do

[colleeng]

it was my sons baptism today... it was odd. it was more of an obligation type thing vs a belief. I'm having a soapoprah with the father. I can't handle the inconsistancey in the matter. I love him with all my heart, but he's a child... at least he acts like one. I just need more. i can't take the bs. It's like a bad dream and I can't wake. I guess

Comments

[ladyoracle]

Mmm. Stoli Vanilla. That drink always makes me think of Tampa.

Right now I have an Absolut Mandarin buzz, also nice.

I don't know about things coming into life and making sense, and I don't know what to say about Z. Because he's the father of your children, that complicates things, but of course I don't need to be telling you that!

I can say that you deserve to ask for what you want. I have been thinking about "want" alot lately, and that might not even be the word for what I mean. I think there's a current of desire and knowledge that runs inside us, and if we can access it beyond the feelings of guilt and anxiety, paranoia, etc, we will know what our hearts think is best for us. Not that we always act on it, but knowing what it is puts the power to act or not to into your hands.

Sorry to wax philosophical, but your post is very poetic.

[colleeng]

Oh,how have I missed your philosophical,poetic, insight! ;-) It is hard with him, Z that is. I have two kids.... I don't need three! I just wish getting over him was easier. Gee, can we just make all men make up their minds so we don't have to go through this guessing what person we will be dealing with that day? Honestly, I'm tired of hearing how women are emotional, bitchy, etc... Just tell me the truth and I can move on. and let that truth be consistant. Here I go again... venting... on livejournal. Never thought that would happen again! Lord, I need a drink!

[ladyoracle]

Oh, honey. He probably doesn't want to know the truth, whatever it is, and in the mean time, you can make your own truth for yourself about yourself. What does Colleen want? Is Z giving it to her? Is he acceptable to her if he isn't?

I cannot know what it's like to be a parent, but I do know what it's like to try to have relationships with perfectly loveable, yet insane men, and we do have thresholds for pain.

[colleeng]

I believe my tolarence has run thin....

[enthiomaniac]

Sounds like our current situations are somewhat similar... I've started to try to look at the bigger picture more often, rather than trying to figure out if today was better than last week, trying to figure where I want us to be in five years, ten years.

[colleeng]

I try not to think about it. It's been such a rollarcoaster. I don't know why I expect to be treated in the way that I treat others. And I am referring to my kids father. It's a long story... I just don't know why some people can live their lives in such a way that they are totally uneffected by how they cause others to feel. I guess I think about the kids and just hope one day, they treat people more like me and not him.
Damn, I just went off on a tangent! sorry!

[ladyoracle]

I miss you, Colleen!

[colleeng]

Miss you too! congrats on teh Ebay! I've been saying I was going to do that for awhile now... I'll be sure to let you know when it happens!