goals, grumblings, and gastrointestinal health
So I can't keep my body happy to save my life.
I know what I have to do, what (rather strict) rules I have to follow to make everything go smoothly, but I fuck it up EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Case in point: this weekend.
Friday night- had a game of Mutants&Masterminds at a friend's house. What's available for snacks? Chips, cookies, nibs. So what do I have for dinner? Chips, cookies, and nibs. Oh, and a giant cup of coffee, as well as a can of carbonated lemonade. Literally nothing I put in my body was not going to make me sick.
Saturday started off pretty good. I got up early, went for a run with the dog, drank a lot of water and had some bread. All things that are good for the body. Then out of nowhere I decide to brew a pot of coffee (literally liquid satan) and then not eat anything at all until our 2pm lunch date at a frickin' giant Asian buffet restaurant. I'm supposed to be eating many tiny meals throughout the day, because my poor lining-less stomach can't handle large volumes of food. So of course I cram in 2 giant plates of deep fried garbage and top it off with soft serve ice cream. It's a fucking miracle I didn't shit myself at the table. The rest of the day is just drinking- we hosted a birthday party, so lots of rye&coke, Irish carbombs, and beer. Oh, and chips for dinner. Because why the fuck not, at this point?
Sunday I woke up hungover (how did THAT happen?) so I skipped yoga class, and instead smoked some pot and lay around the house. Had coke and cheese melted on naan for breakfast (winner!), then the guys came over for d&d, had chips and salsa for lunch, along with more coke, and beer, and then had bailey's and coffee around 4pm with a bunch of scones and home made marshmallows that a fellow player brought.
Finally Sunday night, when I was irritated and feeling super awful, I decided to have a dinner that wouldn't have me hating myself in the morning. Caesar salad with kale and pine nuts, and I roasted a spaghetti squash from the garden with some fresh herbs and feta (the only cheese I'm actually supposed to be eating at all). It felt amazing. I felt amazing. There is such a direct correlation between how I eat and how I feel that it BLOWS MY MIND that I am able to make such bad choices so consistently. I'm going to try to use this journal to keep track of my eating habits, and see if I can shame myself into doing better through accountability.
Also: tried to have sex again this weekend. Went super poorly. I just didn't want to, at all. The husband and I are never turned on at the same time, and when he approaches me and I'm not in the mood I'm actually grossed out. This might require more therapy than I thought.