english breakfast (b/g standalone for 36mornings)
Gerard/Bert
Standalone (763 words)
R (swearing)
written October 2007.
Notes: For August 2006 drabble meme. I'm getting there!
"Aargh!"
Bert chokes and splutters, puffing out his cheeks and pursing his lips as droplets of tea spray across the room in a hundred different directions.
"Hot," he says clumsily, liquid dribbling onto the floor as he fans his hand in front of his open mouth. "Coulda fuckin' warned me."
Gerard barely raises an eyebrow. Calmly, he blows cool air across his mug before taking a sip, then swallows serenely and looks up at Bert as if to say this is how normal people do it. The right corner of his mouth twitches slightly.
Bob sits down at the table, coffee in one hand, and tosses an icepack to Bert, who presses it against his tongue and mutters incoherently, then tries to push the whole thing into his mouth. Across the table, Gerard wipes his mouth daintily on a paper napkin and coughs into his fist.
"Sleep well, Bob?"
"Nah," he says with a yawn, glancing across at Bert, who is now sucking on the icepack, lips stretched uncomfortably around the blue canvas cover. "Somebody was having really loud sex. Kept me awake."
Bert pulls the pack out and grins with a sloppy, swollen mouth. "Even with the earplugs?"
"Even with the earplugs." Bob scratches the top of his head with one hand and reaches for his coffee with the other.
"Don't they work? I paid good money for those things."
Gerard finishes his tea and stands up, eyebrows raised. "Did you?"
"Okay, okay. You paid good money for them, and -- "
Bob leans forward and puts his elbows on the table as Gerard sidles past on his way to the kitchenette. "Did it ever occur to you that you guys might be breaking the earplug barrier?"
"Oh, come on," Gerard says, arms crossed over his chest. "We're not that loud."
"Separately, maybe not," is Bob's reply. "Together ... you guys could drown out a fucking jumbo jet."
Bert smacks his lips together and bursts out laughing. Gerard's mouth tightens, but after a moment he too succumbs -- the disgruntled, mildly disgusted look on Bob's face is priceless.
"I'm sorry," Gerard says eventually, still grinning. "We'll try to keep it down."
"Like hell you will."
"What? You don't believe us?"
"I might -- might -- believe Gee, but there's no way in hell I'd believe you, McCracken. I know you too well."
"I resent that!" Bert throws the half-melted ice pack at Bob's head, but it misses. Bob pokes out his tongue.
"See? How can I take you seriously when you can't even kick my ass properly?"
"Is that a dare, Bryar?"
Bob sips his coffee contentedly. "What d'you think?"
"Oh, it's fucking on, bitch." Bert stands up, hands on hips, shaking his head slightly. "Let's go. But you're gonna regret this."
"Bob's got a weight advantage," Gerard calls from the kitchenette.
Bob nods. "And height."
"And co-ordination."
"Would you guys shut the fuck up? I can't believe no-one is on my side here -- thank you very fucking much Gerard."
"Bert, I am on your side. I'm just trying to be logical 'cause I don't wanna see Bob beat the shit out of you."
Bert clenches his fists and grits his teeth. After a second he sighs and sits down. "Fuck you both," he grumbles.
Bob can't resist. "With or without earplugs?"
"You can shove the earplugs up your ass."
"Kinky." Bob stands up and pats Bert on the shoulder as he leaves, an empty coffee cup in one hand. "See ya later."
"Whatever."
Bert is sitting at the table, sulking, when Gerard reappears, carrying a plate of toast. He slides it across the table and sits next to Bert, trying not to smile as he waits for him to speak.
"Coulda taken him," he mutters after a few moments.
Gerard reaches for a piece of toast. "You think?"
"Yeah."
"Why would you want to? I mean, it's Bob."
Bert mumbles something unintelligible, and Gerard takes a large bite of toast to stop himself from bursting into laughter. He chews thoughtfully for a moment, his tongue darting out to lick the crumbs from his lips, then swallows and grins at Bert.
"You're an idiot."
"Mmm."
"Cute though."
"Uh huh." Bert turns to Gerard and looks him up and down. "Well, I don't know about Bob, but I could totally take you."
"Take me where?" Gerard asks innocently, brushing his hands together to shake the toast crumbs from his fingers.
"Oh ... I don't know. Back to bed, maybe?"
"Thought you'd never ask," he replies, grinning as he reaches for Bert's hand.
Standalone (763 words)
R (swearing)
written October 2007.
Notes: For August 2006 drabble meme. I'm getting there!
"Aargh!"
Bert chokes and splutters, puffing out his cheeks and pursing his lips as droplets of tea spray across the room in a hundred different directions.
"Hot," he says clumsily, liquid dribbling onto the floor as he fans his hand in front of his open mouth. "Coulda fuckin' warned me."
Gerard barely raises an eyebrow. Calmly, he blows cool air across his mug before taking a sip, then swallows serenely and looks up at Bert as if to say this is how normal people do it. The right corner of his mouth twitches slightly.
Bob sits down at the table, coffee in one hand, and tosses an icepack to Bert, who presses it against his tongue and mutters incoherently, then tries to push the whole thing into his mouth. Across the table, Gerard wipes his mouth daintily on a paper napkin and coughs into his fist.
"Sleep well, Bob?"
"Nah," he says with a yawn, glancing across at Bert, who is now sucking on the icepack, lips stretched uncomfortably around the blue canvas cover. "Somebody was having really loud sex. Kept me awake."
Bert pulls the pack out and grins with a sloppy, swollen mouth. "Even with the earplugs?"
"Even with the earplugs." Bob scratches the top of his head with one hand and reaches for his coffee with the other.
"Don't they work? I paid good money for those things."
Gerard finishes his tea and stands up, eyebrows raised. "Did you?"
"Okay, okay. You paid good money for them, and -- "
Bob leans forward and puts his elbows on the table as Gerard sidles past on his way to the kitchenette. "Did it ever occur to you that you guys might be breaking the earplug barrier?"
"Oh, come on," Gerard says, arms crossed over his chest. "We're not that loud."
"Separately, maybe not," is Bob's reply. "Together ... you guys could drown out a fucking jumbo jet."
Bert smacks his lips together and bursts out laughing. Gerard's mouth tightens, but after a moment he too succumbs -- the disgruntled, mildly disgusted look on Bob's face is priceless.
"I'm sorry," Gerard says eventually, still grinning. "We'll try to keep it down."
"Like hell you will."
"What? You don't believe us?"
"I might -- might -- believe Gee, but there's no way in hell I'd believe you, McCracken. I know you too well."
"I resent that!" Bert throws the half-melted ice pack at Bob's head, but it misses. Bob pokes out his tongue.
"See? How can I take you seriously when you can't even kick my ass properly?"
"Is that a dare, Bryar?"
Bob sips his coffee contentedly. "What d'you think?"
"Oh, it's fucking on, bitch." Bert stands up, hands on hips, shaking his head slightly. "Let's go. But you're gonna regret this."
"Bob's got a weight advantage," Gerard calls from the kitchenette.
Bob nods. "And height."
"And co-ordination."
"Would you guys shut the fuck up? I can't believe no-one is on my side here -- thank you very fucking much Gerard."
"Bert, I am on your side. I'm just trying to be logical 'cause I don't wanna see Bob beat the shit out of you."
Bert clenches his fists and grits his teeth. After a second he sighs and sits down. "Fuck you both," he grumbles.
Bob can't resist. "With or without earplugs?"
"You can shove the earplugs up your ass."
"Kinky." Bob stands up and pats Bert on the shoulder as he leaves, an empty coffee cup in one hand. "See ya later."
"Whatever."
Bert is sitting at the table, sulking, when Gerard reappears, carrying a plate of toast. He slides it across the table and sits next to Bert, trying not to smile as he waits for him to speak.
"Coulda taken him," he mutters after a few moments.
Gerard reaches for a piece of toast. "You think?"
"Yeah."
"Why would you want to? I mean, it's Bob."
Bert mumbles something unintelligible, and Gerard takes a large bite of toast to stop himself from bursting into laughter. He chews thoughtfully for a moment, his tongue darting out to lick the crumbs from his lips, then swallows and grins at Bert.
"You're an idiot."
"Mmm."
"Cute though."
"Uh huh." Bert turns to Gerard and looks him up and down. "Well, I don't know about Bob, but I could totally take you."
"Take me where?" Gerard asks innocently, brushing his hands together to shake the toast crumbs from his fingers.
"Oh ... I don't know. Back to bed, maybe?"
"Thought you'd never ask," he replies, grinning as he reaches for Bert's hand.