the strangest thing
Gerard/Bert
Standalone
R
written January 2008
for bert_and_gerard's Secret Sweetheart challenge and slashfic25 prompt 22: secrets.
"Okay. It's your turn."
Gerard grins and throws an arm around Bert's narrow shoulders. "Is it?" he slurs, leaning across to press his lips against Bert's. Then he laughs. There's nothing particularly funny about the situation, but that doesn't matter. He's drunk, but not unpleasantly so; not sick-drunk, not room spinning-drunk. He's lying happily on the sofa at the back of the tourbus, half-sprawled on Bert's lap, giggling and groping. He's the best kind of drunk -- making-out-with-Bert drunk.
They're parked in the middle of Bumfuck, Godknowswhere for the night -- God knows what time it is, either -- and everyone else is asleep or unconscious. It's just the two of them, the elder Chemical Brother and Bert fucking McCracken, the Toxic Twins as people are starting to call them, and they're having fucking fun. Bert's a crazy, gorgeous motherfucker and he tastes like whisky and sex and dammit, why can't life always be like this?
Gerard smiles again as he kisses Bert again, more deeply this time, his clumsy hands reaching up to cup Bert's face.
"Mmm." Bert kisses him back eagerly, as always -- he does nothing by halves -- then pulls away with a sloppy smile. "You're not gettin' away that easy."
Gerard pouts. "M'sick of the game."
"Bullshit. You love it when it's my turn." Bert shakes his head, smirking, and kisses the corner of Gerard's mouth. "I'll make it worth your while," he purrs, lips brushing against Gerard's skin, and there's no way in hell he can refuse when Bert does that.
"Okay, okay. Lemme have it."
He laughs and struggles to sit up. "Truth or dare?"
"Truth," Gerard says firmly. Bert raises his eyebrows.
"Truth? You never say truth."
"I'm saying it now."
"Huh," he replies, chewing on his lower lip. "Fuck. Now I have to think of a question."
"Want me to change to dare?"
"Nope. Got one."
"Okay."
Bert grins. "What's the strangest thing that's ever turned you on?"
"Apart from you?"
He snorts. "Apart from me, yeah."
"Um ... " Gerard is silent for a moment. Suddenly his face reddens and he screws his eyes shut, shaking his head. Bert pounces.
"What?"
"Doesn't matter."
"Yeah it does. Tell me."
He shakes his head again. Strands of hair fly into his face and he scrapes them roughly behind his ears with one hand.
"I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours," Bert says cheerfully. "Come on, it can't be that bad."
Gerard's mouth twists and he takes a deep breath. "You'll think I'm a freak."
"I already think you're a freak. Doesn't mean I don't love ya." Bert reaches out to ruffle his messy hair. "I mean, it's not like you're a pedo or a furry or anything -- right?"
He shakes his head vehemently. "Fuck no. It's just ... "
"It's weird. Yeah. It's supposed to be. And it's me, dude -- we promised to keep each other's secrets, remember? S'not like I'm gonna tell anyone."
"I guess."
Bert tries one more time. And he uses his fail-safe method where Gerard is concerned: reverse psychology. "I mean, it's okay if you don't wanna tell me -- "
"No, no I will. Just, um, give me a sec. I need to get it straight in my head." He grins. "I'm pretty wasted, y'know."
A giggle. "Yeah, me too. Where the fuck did all that tequila go?"
"I think Frank had most of it."
"Hmph. Little fucker."
Gerard chokes back a laugh. "Dude, you two are, like, the same fuckin' size."
"He's way shorter than me."
"Yeah, whatever."
"He is."
"Frank thinks he's taller than you."
"Frank's full of shit."
"I dare you to say that to his face," Gerard says, laughing again.
"I could take him."
"With or without Chauncey?"
Bert looks indignant. "D'you think I hide behind Chauncey?"
"I know you hide behind him, you pussy."
"Uh huh. Kinda like you hide behind Mikey? And Brian, and Ray, and --"
"Fuck off, Bert."
"Yeah, that's right. You can dish it out but you can't fuckin' take it. Who's the pussy now?"
There's a pause. Gerard and Bert glare at each other for a few seconds, teeth and fists clenched -- and burst out laughing. Gerard leans forward until his head is resting on Bert's shoulder, and Bert throws his head back until it hits the back of the sofa. They're both shaking with laughter; Gerard's nasal chuckle and Bert's high-pitched giggle fill the bus, but fortunately, they don't wake anyone up.
"Why do we always do that?"
Bert wipes his eyes. "Because we're fuckin' losers?"
"Mmm, works for me."
"You know I didn't -- "
"Yeah. Me neither."
"Cool."
Gerard nods and grips the back of the sofa to pull himself into a sitting position. "Hey, I just realised I never answered your question."
"No you fucking didn't, that's right!" Bert's eyes widen and his full lips stretch into a grin. "So ... "
"The strangest thing that ever turned me on, right?"
"Yeah."
"Define 'turned on'."
Bert rolls his eyes. "Semi? No -- full hard-on. Jerking off optional."
"Ah." Gerard sighs and his smile fades. "You gotta promise not to laugh."
"I can't make that promise, Gee, and you know it."
"Asshole."
"Your mother."
"You like my mother!"
"Yeah. She's nuts, just like you." Bert laughs. "How 'bout this -- I'll probably laugh, but I won't tell anybody and I won't give you shit?"
Gerard's eyes narrow as he thinks. "Okay."
"Good?"
"Mmm." He takes a deep breath, shoulders slumping as he exhales. "So I was eighteen, right? And there was this -- do you know what anime is?"
Bert blinks. "Isn't that a kind of dog? Oh my God, you are a furry."
"It's a cartoon, Bert," he replies drily, trying not to laugh. "Japanese animation, okay? Not a dog."
"It's not a big deal if you are a furry, Gee. Whatever floats your boat, you know?"
"I'm not a fucking furry!"
Bert throws his head back and laughs loudly. "M'sorry -- s'just the look on your face, dude ... " He clears his throat. "Okay, I'm done. So you were watching a cartoon?"
"Yeah. And some anime is, um, kinda out-there, you know? There's hentai and yaoi and -- "
"Gerard, you're gonna have to translate this shit for me. I'm not Jepha."
"It's porn, okay? Animated porn. Gay animated porn."
"You got any?"
"What, here?"
"Yeah."
"No."
"Liar."
Gerard flushes red. "I had some, but Ray taped over it," he mumbles.
"Well, that sucks. Anyway, there was this gay porn cartoon from Japan ... ?"
"Yeah. And then all of a sudden this guy kinda, um -- grows tentacles." Gerard's voice drops to a whisper and his eyes are fixed on the floor.
"Tentacles? Like a fuckin' octopus or something?"
He nods. "And he starts fucking this dude with them ... sticks a couple up his ass and jacks him off with another one -- and it was really fucking hot." Gerard looks up at Bert, face twisted with humiliation.
"I bet the guy was loving it -- the one being fucked, I mean," Bert says calmly.
"Oh yeah."
"So -- " and Bert slings an arm around Gerard's shoulder " -- your answer is 'a cartoon gay porn star octopus-dude from Japan'?"
"Mmm."
He shrugs. "S'not as bad as mine."
Gerard raises his eyebrow. "Really?"
"Yeah, really."
A pause. "Well?"
"Am I gonna have to go through the whole 'promise you won't laugh' thing?"
"Nah. I promise."
Bert licks his lips and exhales heavily through his nose. "Vanity Smurf," he says eventually.
"Vanity Smurf?"
"Yeah. You know, the gay one -- the one with the flower behind his ear." He grins stupidly, and his cheeks begin to redden. "Best fuckin' wet dream I ever had."
Gerard shakes his head. "How old were you?"
"Uh ... it was about three months ago."
"You're kidding!"
"No, I'm not."
"I can't even remember the last time I had a wet dream," Gerard muses.
"If you go for long enough without whackin' it, you'll have one."
"You, um, weren't -- ?"
"Me and Quinn were having a contest. We'd just seen that episode of Seinfeld. Had a lot of weed riding on it."
"Did you win?"
"Yeah. With a little help from Vanity."
Gerard laughs. "Out of all the Smurfs, you pick Vanity? I don't get it."
"Maybe I have a thing for fuckin' vain-ass girly dudes," Bert responds, leaning in for a kiss. "Ever thought of that?"
Standalone
R
written January 2008
for bert_and_gerard's Secret Sweetheart challenge and slashfic25 prompt 22: secrets.
"Okay. It's your turn."
Gerard grins and throws an arm around Bert's narrow shoulders. "Is it?" he slurs, leaning across to press his lips against Bert's. Then he laughs. There's nothing particularly funny about the situation, but that doesn't matter. He's drunk, but not unpleasantly so; not sick-drunk, not room spinning-drunk. He's lying happily on the sofa at the back of the tourbus, half-sprawled on Bert's lap, giggling and groping. He's the best kind of drunk -- making-out-with-Bert drunk.
They're parked in the middle of Bumfuck, Godknowswhere for the night -- God knows what time it is, either -- and everyone else is asleep or unconscious. It's just the two of them, the elder Chemical Brother and Bert fucking McCracken, the Toxic Twins as people are starting to call them, and they're having fucking fun. Bert's a crazy, gorgeous motherfucker and he tastes like whisky and sex and dammit, why can't life always be like this?
Gerard smiles again as he kisses Bert again, more deeply this time, his clumsy hands reaching up to cup Bert's face.
"Mmm." Bert kisses him back eagerly, as always -- he does nothing by halves -- then pulls away with a sloppy smile. "You're not gettin' away that easy."
Gerard pouts. "M'sick of the game."
"Bullshit. You love it when it's my turn." Bert shakes his head, smirking, and kisses the corner of Gerard's mouth. "I'll make it worth your while," he purrs, lips brushing against Gerard's skin, and there's no way in hell he can refuse when Bert does that.
"Okay, okay. Lemme have it."
He laughs and struggles to sit up. "Truth or dare?"
"Truth," Gerard says firmly. Bert raises his eyebrows.
"Truth? You never say truth."
"I'm saying it now."
"Huh," he replies, chewing on his lower lip. "Fuck. Now I have to think of a question."
"Want me to change to dare?"
"Nope. Got one."
"Okay."
Bert grins. "What's the strangest thing that's ever turned you on?"
"Apart from you?"
He snorts. "Apart from me, yeah."
"Um ... " Gerard is silent for a moment. Suddenly his face reddens and he screws his eyes shut, shaking his head. Bert pounces.
"What?"
"Doesn't matter."
"Yeah it does. Tell me."
He shakes his head again. Strands of hair fly into his face and he scrapes them roughly behind his ears with one hand.
"I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours," Bert says cheerfully. "Come on, it can't be that bad."
Gerard's mouth twists and he takes a deep breath. "You'll think I'm a freak."
"I already think you're a freak. Doesn't mean I don't love ya." Bert reaches out to ruffle his messy hair. "I mean, it's not like you're a pedo or a furry or anything -- right?"
He shakes his head vehemently. "Fuck no. It's just ... "
"It's weird. Yeah. It's supposed to be. And it's me, dude -- we promised to keep each other's secrets, remember? S'not like I'm gonna tell anyone."
"I guess."
Bert tries one more time. And he uses his fail-safe method where Gerard is concerned: reverse psychology. "I mean, it's okay if you don't wanna tell me -- "
"No, no I will. Just, um, give me a sec. I need to get it straight in my head." He grins. "I'm pretty wasted, y'know."
A giggle. "Yeah, me too. Where the fuck did all that tequila go?"
"I think Frank had most of it."
"Hmph. Little fucker."
Gerard chokes back a laugh. "Dude, you two are, like, the same fuckin' size."
"He's way shorter than me."
"Yeah, whatever."
"He is."
"Frank thinks he's taller than you."
"Frank's full of shit."
"I dare you to say that to his face," Gerard says, laughing again.
"I could take him."
"With or without Chauncey?"
Bert looks indignant. "D'you think I hide behind Chauncey?"
"I know you hide behind him, you pussy."
"Uh huh. Kinda like you hide behind Mikey? And Brian, and Ray, and --"
"Fuck off, Bert."
"Yeah, that's right. You can dish it out but you can't fuckin' take it. Who's the pussy now?"
There's a pause. Gerard and Bert glare at each other for a few seconds, teeth and fists clenched -- and burst out laughing. Gerard leans forward until his head is resting on Bert's shoulder, and Bert throws his head back until it hits the back of the sofa. They're both shaking with laughter; Gerard's nasal chuckle and Bert's high-pitched giggle fill the bus, but fortunately, they don't wake anyone up.
"Why do we always do that?"
Bert wipes his eyes. "Because we're fuckin' losers?"
"Mmm, works for me."
"You know I didn't -- "
"Yeah. Me neither."
"Cool."
Gerard nods and grips the back of the sofa to pull himself into a sitting position. "Hey, I just realised I never answered your question."
"No you fucking didn't, that's right!" Bert's eyes widen and his full lips stretch into a grin. "So ... "
"The strangest thing that ever turned me on, right?"
"Yeah."
"Define 'turned on'."
Bert rolls his eyes. "Semi? No -- full hard-on. Jerking off optional."
"Ah." Gerard sighs and his smile fades. "You gotta promise not to laugh."
"I can't make that promise, Gee, and you know it."
"Asshole."
"Your mother."
"You like my mother!"
"Yeah. She's nuts, just like you." Bert laughs. "How 'bout this -- I'll probably laugh, but I won't tell anybody and I won't give you shit?"
Gerard's eyes narrow as he thinks. "Okay."
"Good?"
"Mmm." He takes a deep breath, shoulders slumping as he exhales. "So I was eighteen, right? And there was this -- do you know what anime is?"
Bert blinks. "Isn't that a kind of dog? Oh my God, you are a furry."
"It's a cartoon, Bert," he replies drily, trying not to laugh. "Japanese animation, okay? Not a dog."
"It's not a big deal if you are a furry, Gee. Whatever floats your boat, you know?"
"I'm not a fucking furry!"
Bert throws his head back and laughs loudly. "M'sorry -- s'just the look on your face, dude ... " He clears his throat. "Okay, I'm done. So you were watching a cartoon?"
"Yeah. And some anime is, um, kinda out-there, you know? There's hentai and yaoi and -- "
"Gerard, you're gonna have to translate this shit for me. I'm not Jepha."
"It's porn, okay? Animated porn. Gay animated porn."
"You got any?"
"What, here?"
"Yeah."
"No."
"Liar."
Gerard flushes red. "I had some, but Ray taped over it," he mumbles.
"Well, that sucks. Anyway, there was this gay porn cartoon from Japan ... ?"
"Yeah. And then all of a sudden this guy kinda, um -- grows tentacles." Gerard's voice drops to a whisper and his eyes are fixed on the floor.
"Tentacles? Like a fuckin' octopus or something?"
He nods. "And he starts fucking this dude with them ... sticks a couple up his ass and jacks him off with another one -- and it was really fucking hot." Gerard looks up at Bert, face twisted with humiliation.
"I bet the guy was loving it -- the one being fucked, I mean," Bert says calmly.
"Oh yeah."
"So -- " and Bert slings an arm around Gerard's shoulder " -- your answer is 'a cartoon gay porn star octopus-dude from Japan'?"
"Mmm."
He shrugs. "S'not as bad as mine."
Gerard raises his eyebrow. "Really?"
"Yeah, really."
A pause. "Well?"
"Am I gonna have to go through the whole 'promise you won't laugh' thing?"
"Nah. I promise."
Bert licks his lips and exhales heavily through his nose. "Vanity Smurf," he says eventually.
"Vanity Smurf?"
"Yeah. You know, the gay one -- the one with the flower behind his ear." He grins stupidly, and his cheeks begin to redden. "Best fuckin' wet dream I ever had."
Gerard shakes his head. "How old were you?"
"Uh ... it was about three months ago."
"You're kidding!"
"No, I'm not."
"I can't even remember the last time I had a wet dream," Gerard muses.
"If you go for long enough without whackin' it, you'll have one."
"You, um, weren't -- ?"
"Me and Quinn were having a contest. We'd just seen that episode of Seinfeld. Had a lot of weed riding on it."
"Did you win?"
"Yeah. With a little help from Vanity."
Gerard laughs. "Out of all the Smurfs, you pick Vanity? I don't get it."
"Maybe I have a thing for fuckin' vain-ass girly dudes," Bert responds, leaning in for a kiss. "Ever thought of that?"