Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
Title: Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (Part Six)
Author: Ana
Pairing: Billie/Mike
Rating: R
Special Author's note: I would like to dedicate this chapter to all the lovely people who follow this story and always make my day with those sweet comments. Thanks so much for your support; it means a lot since this kind of plot is something pretty new to me. Needless to say, your feedback it's always my inspiration to write the next chapter. Wow! More than 2000 words!!! This is by far the longest chapter I've ever posted. Hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it.
Previous Parts: http://missmacy3334.livejournal.com/1975.html#
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Even though I had a lot of questions about Billie Joe, one thing was for certain, he wasn't stupid, and I had already figured he was going to realize my true intentions sooner or later; every one of my babies did, but by the time this would happen, it was already impossible for them to go back, and there wasn't anywhere to go but forward; Billie Joe was somehow aware (if not pretty damn sure) of my feelings for him and I hadn't even begun to put my plan into action.
I know that I should have backed away at that point. In the exact moment I realized he was gaining more control over me than the one I had so carefully gained over him, I should have built a wall to protect me from whatever consequences this could bring. If I had been any smarter, that's exactly what I would have done: get away from it immediately. If I had been half as clever as I thought I was, I wouldn't have let him hypnotize me like he was doing. Now he was playing a game I didn't quite know how it worked, but was losing anyway. He knew it, but now I knew too.
It never really crossed my mind how quickly he could get under my skin, how easy it was for him to turn everything around. After all this time, I still don't know what went wrong. I had everything planned and under control. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again, it was all different. I wouldn't realize it after long time later, but I had underestimated him greatly.
However, what went on at the parking lot after Billie Joe made the bluntest declaration since I'd met him still remains to be one of my sweetest memories.
-I don't want to go my house, Mr. Pritchard... I want to go to yours.
-You can't come home with me, Billie.
-Why not? I promise not to cover your front porch with toilet paper on Halloween if you take me home with you.
I came up with more excuses than I actually believed myself capable of. Worthless. He would hear nothing about his father worried sick about him, he wasn't home anyway and he refused to spend Friday night alone. He didn't want to hang out with people his own age; they were boring, pathetic and incredibly stupid. He didn't think we were doing anything wrong, but he would keep the secret if I wanted him too... No matter what I said, he would hear nothing of it.
This dynamic kept going for a few more minutes, and Billie's response never failed to amuse me more than the former. Truth is, I was dying to be alone with him, to enjoy his company in private, see how far he wanted to take this little game of his, but at the same time, I was a bit afraid of where would his game take me. Eventually I gave up.
***
Billie was quite chatty during the ride home, and once we got there as well. The entire time he kept commenting on how nice everything looked around here and about every little detail, like the pale pink of the flowers, the dogs running around in the grass, the smiling gnomes in the O'Connor's front yard, which was what made it all look so beautiful according to Billie.
I couldn't help thinking how simple and comforting it was to talk to him; after having to deal day after day with so many people who were just as dead inside as they looked on the outside, Billie Joe turned out to be quite a life saver. He laughed about everything, talk about anything and knew just how to keep going a good conversation.
"It's a nice neighborhood... ... ... Do you live here all by yourself? ... ... ...How come you're not married? ... ... ... Do you have a girlfriend?" He started at one point.
"You ask too many questions, baby. One more and I'll take you home."
"Fine. But everyone wonders the same things about you at school, you know?"
"No, I didn't know."
"Well, they do, especially girls. Did you know that Sally Marshall has a huge crush on you? She has your name written all over her notebook; she drew little hearts and everything."
"How do you know this?"
"I have eyes."
"Yeah, very pretty eyes..." I said simply. I think either one of us felt the need to be shy or even too careful anymore.
"Yours are really nice too, sir."
"You know, you make me feel like a hundred years old when you call me sir."
"Sorry, my father is a bit pesky about discipline. He likes it when I call him that."
"Well, I don't."
"I don't exactly love it when you call me by my last name either."
I smirked; the boy actually had quite a mouth on him. "Fair enough." I said.
"I have one more question...and before you say anything, this one's important."
"What?"
"Do you really think I'm brilliant?"
"You don't need me to know the answer to that."
Once inside my house, Billie stood still in front of me, arms crossed over his chest and a charming smile on his face while I took off my jacket and tie.
"Strange," he muttered.
"What's strange?"
Billie blushed. "I don't think I ever saw you without your tie on."
Should I be flattered?
"You want to take the tour?" I asked him.
"Maybe later. I bet you have a gigantic library," he said. I grinned before taking him by the hand and leading him through a narrow hallway to my personal studio where my literary collection was.
"Wow! Exactly how I imagined it. Have you read all of these books?"
"Most of the," I said distractedly as I took a cigarette from the package in my desk and lit it. I sat in the leather couch placed on the far corner and watched in delicious astonishment as Billie moved graciously in front of me, as if he knew the place better than myself, picking a random book to examine its pages, tracing the edges of the bookshelves, picking up an old photograph, analyzing the pile of movies on the top shelf, then putting back everything in the exact place and position he had found it; everything but one specific object.
I was mesmerized and peacefully delighted. Billie walked up towards me and took the cigarette from my mouth; he took a long drag only to replace it on my lips before long.
"Can we watch this?" He asked holding out my copy of Pride and Prejudice.
***
Billie Joe refused to eat anything, and I was too nervous to do so anyway; therefore we sat in the living room in complete silence with no lights on except for the bluish glow of the TV. I would steal a glance out of my little Billie every once in a while; his full attention was focused on the story line of the movie. I wondered if he ever looked at me like that when we were in class.
In the movie, Elizabeth Bennet had just turned down Mr. Darcy's marriage proposal, and she was now wondering whether it had been the right decision to make, after reading the letter he gave her explaining all those weird circumstances that had been the reason for the rejection. Then the always expected epiphany in romantic novels like this, took place at full force.
In a turn-around of events, Elizabeth Bennet, the perfect and well-educated goddess of Longbourn turned out to be a petty, prejudiced woman who though was several feet above some bitter and conceited man such as Mr. Darcy, who in reality was only a passionate man who had fallen desperately in love with her, and it wasn't until he was long and forever gone, that she realized how much she loved him too.
"Do you know what my mom said about this specific part of the movie?"
"What?"
"She said that the most beautiful part of a relationship is when said relationship hasn't even started yet. She meant the process that two people go through in order to fall in love with each other."
It's all about the chase...I thought.
"Once the relationship is officially defined, love starts to fade, which is why you need to wake up every day and start falling in love with your significant other all over again."
"Your mom had beautiful feelings."
"Have you ever been in love, Mr. Pritchard?"
Billie caught me completely out of guard and I became a hopeless loss for words. I knew more than well that a whole lot depended on the way you answered questions like these, but at the moment I found myself unable to come up with anything that could resemble an answer.
"Hmmm... I guess..."
"How does it feel?" He insisted.
"I don't think I can explain that, it's very complicated. You feel... I don't know... complete."
"How can I know if I'm in love?"
"Well... you just... know..."
Billie pursed his lips, not in disbelief, but I could tell he was pondering it in his mind, waiting for the meaning to sink into his brain. "I guess you're right." He shrugged, then lifted my arm and laid his head on my chest. "Hope you don't mind, I'm a bit cold."
I took a deep breath. Having him so close to me just made my blood boil. I still managed to pull down the cloth I kept over the couch so I could cover the small, quivering body curled upon me with it. Billie gave a sigh of contentment and nuzzled into my neck. Minutes later he was fast asleep.
***
I stood beside the counter smoking my second cigarette of the night. The clock read about 9:15 and Billie Joe was still snoring softly in the couch, clutching the blanket against his chest.
My fingers were still trembling, my heart could barely return to its normal pace; the cigarette was meant to calm me down, but I knew it was going to take me some time.
Everything had been so cute an innocent for a while; his arms were around my neck and my face was buried in his hair. Oh, the welcoming heat coming from his touch, that sweet scent...soon enough my hands were roaming around the sides of his body and all over his back, Billie's breathing rhythm quickly increased as he held on to me tighter, pulling our bodies impossibly closer.
But in that moment, that little pang of guilt I had felt earlier that day turned into a full-blown kick in my guts; his skin started to burn on mine, his warm breath began to suffocate me. I had to stop; I just had to get away immediately.
Reluctantly, I settled him down on the couch being careful enough not to disturb him and went directly to the sink to splash cold water on my flushed face.
I was pouring scotch into a glass when Billie started to stir. Such a sight for sore eyes. I found it quite fascinating, the way he stretched and yawned; only then he rubbed the sleep off his eyes before spotting me leaning against the counter and gave me a lazy smile.
"Sorry, I guess I'm not a very fun guest."
"Either that, or I'm the worst host ever."
"No, no that's not it. I wouldn't be that comfortable here if it were."
He stood up and stretched once more. "Can I have some?"
"I really shouldn't give you any alcohol," I began to say, but Billie was already taking the glass of my hands. He took a small sip.
"Strong with no ice... This is exactly how my father likes it. He started drinking since mom...you know...”
"You miss her a lot, don't you?"
Billie nodded. "Dad doesn't even notice me anymore. He hardly even notices anything. Sometimes I look at him, and his stare is just blank... Worse than being a robot. He doesn't want to go to therapy, yet he threw me in the first shrink's office he could find."
"Well, you need to understand that even if this is really hard for him, he still wants the best for you, but he's not sure exactly what to do. Either way, I know he's making his best. Maybe you can help him too, let him know you're there for him."
"Maybe, I don't know. It's just that sometimes I don't feel like trying anymore."
"It's perfectly normal; you're going through a very rough time, but it'll pass and it will get better. There's always going to be someone there for you."
"You?"
"If you want me to."
Billie smiled and caressed my cheek. "You know something? You're very different outside the classroom. In the classroom everyone's afraid of you, but I think you're actually very..."
"What?"
"Sweet."
"That drink is having an effect on you."
"You're having an effect on me." Billie whispered standing on his tip toes to take my face between his hands.
It happened too quickly and I barely had time to react. Part of me wanted this to happen more than anything else in the world, but part of me was having second thoughts about it too. One of my hands curled around his waist to draw him closer, but the other went directly to his lips to stop him from kissing me.
Billie wasn't expecting this; he looked confused, insulted and frustrated, all at the same time, but on top if all, there was sorrow in his eyes. Something inside of me stirred and I felt nauseous. I needed to hug him; he didn't pull away.
"Maybe I should take you home now, baby."
"Maybe you should."
Oh, yes... The characteristic epiphany we read in novels can take place in real life too. Once I was home alone, I started to have second thoughts about making the right decision. Had I missed my chance? If so, was there ever going to be another one? Second chances worked perfectly well for Elizabeth Bennet, but I couldn't help wondering if this is how she had felt after rejecting Mr. Darcy's proposal, like total and complete shit.
***END OF PART 6***