Erase Me 5/10
Vince helped Howard change their linens. Howard's face was red and he was avoiding eye contact. It was a strange role reversal from their first first time. Back then, it had been Vince who had no idea what he was doing, or if he was doing it well. Howard had dragged him through various levels of intimacy while Vince wondered if his hair looked stupid or if he was making weird faces.
"Can you remember the first time?" Vince asked, before his single brain cell had a chance to quit ogling his secretary. "On the sofa?"
Vince had been trapped under Howard's weight, equal parts excited and terrified. Howard kept hushing him any time he made the slightest noise, as though someone could possibly hear them in the keeper hut after hours.
Howard leaned against the wall and seemed to be gathering his thoughts, but instead of speaking, he just slid down to the floor and covered his face. Vince climbed over the bed to his friend.
"Howard?"
Tiny brown eyes peeked between long fingers.
"I'm not sure what's real..."
"Tell me what you remember," Vince prompted, hovering over Howard but not daring to touch him. Only a few hours ago, Howard had been a complete innocent, hesitantly returning Vince's kisses and trying not to smoosh him into the couch.
Howard scrubbed at his face and avoided Vince's eyes, "I remember being in the keeper hut... I remember a cake..."
Vince laughed out loud; he'd forgotten that part. Howard looked so nervous, Vince had to give him a quick hug.
"It was my sixteenth birthday. You wouldn't do nothing but kiss until I turned sixteen," Vince remembered, feeling giddy at the memory. "I tried to convince you..."
Howard whimpered and clutched at his head.
"You wouldn't budge, but on my birthday, you bought me a cake and took me to a movie... It was well romantic..."
"And then I groped you on the couch in the keeper hut," Howard said, clearly missing the point of the story.
"No, it was nice," Vince argued, "it was sweet. You were sweet."
As soon as Howard's big, sweaty hand wrapped around his cock, Vince lost all control of his body. He couldn't stop whimpering no matter how many times he was shushed, and he couldn't stop thrusting into Howard's hand, no matter how badly he wanted to try and be a little cool. Everything about being touched by Howard was exciting. When he came (entirely too soon) Howard kissed his nose and gave him an indulgent smile before jerking himself off on Vince's stomach. It was nothing like his romantic fantasies of his 'first time', but he felt safe and wanted, and when Howard came on his belly, Vince felt strangely powerful. He didn't feel tiny and ineffective. He felt special.
Howard looked dubious.
"Look, Howard, you never pretended it was anything other than it was..."
"What was it?"
"Just getting off. I knew you were with me because I was convenient, not 'cause you were interested, except for... the physical stuff. You never led me on." Vince's mouth was suddenly dry, and it was hard to speak, "You were just... nice. I mean, it's not like you had to buy me a cake or take me out, I'd been offering it up on a platter for months..."
Howard huffed, "I was a real prince."
Vince gently pulled Howard into his arms, "You weren't even eighteen yet, that first time... or the real first time..."
"Real first...? Oh," Howard buried his face into Vince chest, "that."
Vince had been surprised to learn he was still a virgin after getting off with Howard on the couch, but the older boy had been adamant: what they had done wasn't real sex. That would take another month and most of a bottle of olive oil.
It was an effort to stay quiet and not fill the air with idle chatter, but Vince wanted Howard to be able to ask his questions. Vince played with the chipped paint on his fingernails and listened to the sound of Howard's breathing.
"I have these images..." Howard began awkwardly, "It... I have my hand over your mouth."
Vince laughed and leaned his head on Howard's shoulder, "Yeah, you were always covering my mouth, 'cause I was always being loud. Sometimes you'd cover my mouth before I even made a sound and..."
Howard looked intrigued, "And?"
Vince stared at his fingernails, he really needed a fresh coat, "You would cover my mouth when you knew it was going to be really good and I'd start making noise. It was dead sexy."
"It sounds creepy."
Howard was hesitant as he wrapped his arm around Vince, but Vince happily snuggled in to the embrace.
"Weren't creepy, sexy, more like! I didn't know anything but you knew how to make it really good. That was well exciting, just knowing you knew exactly how to get me off. Even without your memories, look at how good you were tonight."
Howard could never resist an appeal to his ego.
"Well, I would say we had an undeniable rhythm... "
Vince could remember their teen-aged snogging sessions better than he remembered most of the previous week. He could almost feel himself nearly being smothered by one of Howard's sweaty hands as the other stroked their cocks. Vince had kept shifting his head, searching for air, but Howard would grip him even tighter, whispering, "Quiet, Little Man, quiet."
Howard had played at being cool and rebellious in disregarding the rules of the zoo, but it was clear he really cared about his boss, Tommy. He called Tommy an ugly old hobbit and a loony, but it seemed to cause him physical pain when other people criticized his mentor. Howard could be a moody git, but he was deeply loyal to the people he cared about. The fact Howard was always trying to pretend he didn't care about the people he loved, that he was a loner, made him seem mysterious and complicated to a young and naive Vince. It never occurred to his teenage self that Howard's inability to make himself vulnerable to others would also apply to Vince. He'd fancied himself to be the person Howard needed to become whole.
He never expected to be a casualty of Howard Moon's old-fashioned fear of intimacy.
"We're like Charlie Mingle and Neil Armstrong," Vince teased.
Howard didn't rise to the bait, he just agreed, "Like those great jazz artists, Charlie Mingle and Neil Armstrong."
Vince ran his fingers through Howard's fine hair, perpetually fascinated by its near non-existence, "Things have always been good between us, that way. I don't know what you're thinking about us..."
"I want us... That's it," Howard explained, "I just want us."
Vince wasn't being romantic when he said, "You'll always have me, Howard. I'll always be here."
It was true. Even at his angriest, Vince never actually left Howard. He stayed at the Zooniverse, seething with anger and jealousy, instead of just moving on with his life. The possibility of anything with Howard was better than the certainty of life without him.
Vince jumped when Howard started kissing his ear.
"Sorry," Howard apologized, trying to scoot out of Vince's arms.
Vince pulled him back, "Sorry, it's just been a while."
Howard kissed his neck, slow and deliberate kisses from his chin to his collar bone. The sky was beginning to lighten. It was nearly morning and it had been a very long night.
"How long has it been?" Howard asked between kisses.
Vince froze.
"What's wrong? Why have you gone all pale...? Well, paler at any rate."
Vince briefly considered just giving Howard an acceptable number and dealing with reality at a later date. Howard already had a million questions, one more half-truth would hardly make a difference.
But Vince was tired of lying.
xxx
Vince gripped Howard's shoulders and buried his face in Howard's long curls as they made love on the beach. They weren't fucking. They weren't bumming. They were making love.
"You're so beautiful," Howard's eyes were wide with wonder as he spoke, "I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy."
Even then, Vince knew it wouldn't last, but he loved every minute of it.
"Almost a year ago," he answered.
Vince avoided Howard's eyes until the bigger man grabbed him by the chin and held his face still. Howard didn't look angry, just terribly confused.
"A year ago? I... would remember that," Howard pointed out, nervously licking his lips, "That doesn't make sense."
"You went Coco Loco before I did," Vince explained, trying to imagine himself as an actor playing Vince, like he wasn't the one putting his heart on display, "You started calling me Precious."
Vince was frozen in place as Howard caressed the side of his face, calling him "My Beautiful Precious Vince." He'd recited some flowery poetry to Vince before asking, "May I make love to you?"
How could he say no? Howard had clearly gone insane, but Vince was fairly certain he had gone mad as well. It was yet another thing they had in common.
Howard had been nervous, convinced he was inexperienced, but riding Vince was apparently like riding a bike. It all came back to you, eventually.
"The island?" Howard asked, "That was real?"
"You remember the island?"
It had been three years since the last time they'd had sex... as far as Vince could remember, and Vince had felt like a virgin himself. He let Howard draw his own conclusions about Vince's previous experience as he guided his friend through the preparation process. Howard was far more careful and gentle than he had ever been when they were younger. He fussed over Vince until it hurt, full of love and concern and romantic declarations. For two days, they did little else but make love on different parts of their island paradise. Then Vince found Howard back on "his side" of the island, talking to a coconut, and things got a bit strange..
"I had... dreams," Howard explained, "After we were rescued... I thought they were just fantasies. Sometimes... I have a dream that I'm with Precious..."
Vince needed to know, "Does she look like a coconut?"
Howard rolled his eyes, "Why would she look like a coconut? You've been listening to too much New Wave. It's making you go wrong."
"Precious was a coconut! I should know, I made her."
"Precious wasn't a coconut!" Howard argued, "She was a lovely and wonderful..."
"Coconut."
"Symbol of what I wanted from..."
"A coconut?"
"An intimate relationship," Howard finished, making a gesture so vague, Vince wasn't sure if he was talking about sex or love. Howard frequently got the two confused. When Naboo wiped Howard's memories of love, he took away all of Howard's memories of sex. It was part of the reason Vince could never truly harden his heart to Howard. Howard wanted so desperately to be in love. There was a simple truth to Howard Moon.
"Tell me 'bout the dream, Howard. I'd like to know what you remember." It was the understatement of the year.
Howard pulled his knees to his chest like a child, "I'm... well... being intimate with a woman..."
"Who?"
"It's just a vague idea of a woman," Howard continued, seemingly oblivious to Vince's relief. Vince might have cried if Howard said he was thinking about Gideon. Vince wasn't even wearing eye makeup, so there was no reason not to cry.
"She's just this sort of hazy woman, but I care so much about her..." Howard closed his eyes and raked his fingers through his hair, "I really love Precious and want her to be happy and to feel loved..."
"And then she turns into me?"
"And then I think, 'Vince is Precious', and it all changes."
Vince couldn't find a way to properly wrap his arms around Howard's huddled form. It was like trying to cuddle a Mini.
"I weren't ever even sure it was real," Vince admitted, "With all the poetry and declarations of undying love... Seemed a bit like a romantic fantasy. Or a pop song."
"I'm sorry if I wasn't very romantic tonight," Howard said in a terribly serious tone, "I was caught off guard. I didn't have time to prepare. I would have written notes on my hand if I'd known."
Vince gave him an awkward hug, "You were genius, Howard. You're always amazing. The sex has always been amazing. Even when you were being a jerk, you always made it good for me."
"Sometimes I hurt you," Howard was covering his own mouth, like he was hiding his words, "I can remember you saying it hurt..."
Vince laughed and forced his way into Howard's arms, "Course it hurt sometimes, you're huge! And neither of us really knew what we were doin'."
Howard looked both mortified and pleased.
"Took us a while to work things out properly," Vince continued, "But even the first time..."
Howard had gone from reluctantly allowing himself to be pulled from his fetal position to pulling Vince into his lap and hugging him tightly, "Tell me about it. How you remember it."
Vince hid behind his hair and closed his eyes.
"I tried putting my own finger there after the date with the goth girls, and it just hurt and didn't feel good at all so I was nervous... but I almost came just from having one of your fingers inside..."
"I remember being very nervous," Howard offered, "I remember thinking you seemed so small and fragile."
"You did use a lot of lube! You used a crazy amount of lube that first time," Vince giggled at the memory, "I felt all squishy for days."
Howard was wearing a worried frown.
"Don't be unhappy, Howard," Vince wished he were better with words, and he could make Howard understand how exciting and wonderful even their worst experiences had been, "That first time was good. The island was wonderful. Tonight was amazing."
"Do you think...?" Howard was touching Vince's face and staring at his lips, "If you're not too tired..."
"I'm never too tired for you," Vince purred.