Erase Me 8/10
Naboo was deep in the Juju (Juju being the name of his best and most productive marijuana plant) when Vince and Howard came knocking on his door.
"That'll be George and Mildred," Naboo sighed, "Put a kettle on, Bollo."
Naboo had only lived on Earth for 12 of his 400+ years, but it hadn't taken him long to adjust. Once he worked out that tea was for drinking and not smoking, his transition had been pretty smooth. Being from an advanced race, Naboo felt like a king among ballbags. Howard and Vince were perfect examples of human failings. They were in love, more than sexually compatible, and the closest of friends. Instead of just spending their brief lives thinking of new ways to utilize their orifices, they wasted their time being unhappy and lonely (even when they were together).
"Come in," Naboo called from his chaise lounge. It wasn't worth getting up, there would be a lot of blabbing before the men got to their point.
The men were a mess, as expected. Having spent the night having noisy, happy sex, they both looked frightened and sad. Vince was without makeup and his hair was hanging lifeless around his face. Howard looked as disheveled as usual, but he was hovering behind Vince and imitating his body language down to the pigeon-toed stance. It was a complete reversal from their usual presentation.
"Glad you gave the bed springs a rest," Naboo observed, "Hope you're drinking lots of fluids."
Vince's eyes went wide and he covered his mouth like a child, while Howard went red and tried to shrink into his rollneck.
"I haven't got all day," he prompted, "Let's get straight to the problem. Me and Bollo are playing snooker with Saboo and the D-man in a few hours, so we're going to have to smoke a field to be high enough for that party."
Vince had the decency to look sympathetic. Unlike Howard, Vince understood networking. If Howard had one quality that Naboo truly admired, it was his ability to be completely self-absorbed. For all his claims of big dreams, Howard failed at every turn to actually behave in a way other people considered acceptable. From his first day at the zoo, he'd been completely overbearing with his opinions, and transparent with his motivations. Among the excessively complicated humans, he was a breath of fresh (if a bit dickish) air.
Howard, openly indifferent to Naboo's pain, shoved a picture into his hands. In the picture, a clean-shaven and neatly dressed Howard was kissing Vanessa Gideon outside the Chameleon Lounge. It was a jarring image. Although the people of Xooberon were known for their extensive memories, Naboo smoked a lot of pot. He'd nearly forgotten what Howard looked like back in those days. On the rare occasions that Naboo thought about the past, he always pictured Howard with a mustache, but that hadn't come until after the memory loss spell. The 'tache was part of the new and improved Howard.
Naboo turned the picture over, and was unsurprised to see Howard had written himself a note. What a ballbag.
"How much do you remember?" he asked. It could take years for a memory spell to reverse, and Howard's had been especially complicated.
Howard shrugged, "I don't know. A lot, but I know it's not everything..."
Howard collapsed onto Naboo's couch, looking like a broken doll. Naboo's most faithful customer, Howard had never looked so lost before. He wasn't as full of piss and vinegar as he'd been before Gideon, but Howard was generally pretty chuffed with himself. Howard looked older than his years, with frown lines and crow's feet that didn't belong on a man in his mid twenties.
"Problems?" Naboo asked.
"Can you make me forget, too?" Howard asked, his eyes full of a deep pain. Naboo hadn't thought Howard was capable of such strong feelings. Naboo didn't ask for an explanation. He'd been pretty high the day he heard Gideon was coming back to the zoo, and he'd had a good chuckle about it. Humans never thought anything out. It was her own look-out for not reading the fine print.
Howard was the type to read fine print.
"Can you make me forget all of them?" Howard continued with a joyless laugh, "All the girls I've wasted my life on?"
"What about Precious?" Naboo asked, knowing his face showed no expression. The heavy gravity on Earth always made Naboo look a bit serious. It was one of the things he liked about Earth.
Howard stared at his hands and licked his lips. Naboo was tempted to make a sarcastic joke, but Howard was paying him good money for the session. He should at least pretend Howard wasn't as easy to read as the signs Vince kept putting on Howard's back.
"The thing about Precious is..." Howard dropped his head into his hands, "She doesn't really exist. That is, she does, but she's..."
Naboo bit his tongue. Howard was such a transparent ballbag, but it would be good for the man to say it out loud.
"Precious is actually... she's Vince. Vince is Precious."
"So you don't really have a girlfriend who looks and talks just like Vince and works at the zoo and spends every minute with you and yet I've never met her?" Naboo asked, "You really pulled the wool over my eyes with that one. You should go into politics."
Howard was too lost in his pain to notice Naboo's mockery, "If Vince were a girl, I would marry him. I would take care of him, and treat him right and never cheat on him..."
"He don't need to be a girl for you to be faithful," Naboo pointed out, although he knew what Howard was saying. Howard believed he needed a wife and children to be a real man. He was a child when it came to relationships, a little boy still trying to fix the problems of his childhood with the right mommy surrogate.. Vince was in love and saw Howard as complicated and brooding. Naboo had lived 400 years and could see Howard for the babe he was.
"You want to forget Vince as well?" Naboo asked, pulling out the appropriate paperwork.
Howard stared at his feet for a long time before answering.
"Yeah. I need to forget Vince."
xxx
"Do you remember asking for the memory loss spell?"
Howard shook his head no, "I mainly remember earlier things. I don't remember Gideon very well."
"Did you and Vince shag?" Naboo asked as he went through his check list.
Howard blushed and nodded, "Yes, but I didn't remember anything until I saw the picture."
It made sense. The picture had been of Gideon, but it was Vince that was activating the majority of Howard's synapses. Naboo had enough unfortunate run-ins with Howard and Vince while they were sneaking around on Gideon, he knew just about every sexual position would activate a memory for Howard.
It had been like a sexual haunted house. Around every corner of the Zooniverse, there had been a chance that one might come across Howard and Vince screwing each others' brains out.
In his mind, Howard thought he was clever and discreet, but his brain didn't work properly when it came to Vince. It never had.
"I can speed the process up, but it's pretty unpleasant," Naboo offered.
"The physical pain of synapses firing or the disequilibrium of remembering?" Howard asked. Naboo had to admit it was a good question.
"I meant that your memories are a bit rubbish, but those other things are unpleasant as well."
"I'll just wait it out then, shall I?" Howard suggested, his eyes shifting about more than usual. Vince was carefully avoiding Naboo's eyes.
"It takes 24 hours to fully take effect," Naboo explained, "All those neural pathways have to close, and any new memories you make can fuck it all up. You're going to have to avoid all the women you want to forget and any reminders of them. Get a hotel or something. Listen to jazz, and watch nature documentaries. That kind of thing."
Howard gave a solemn nod before taking a drink of the serum. Naboo had been helping Howard through his romantic problems since the young man arrived at the zoo, and he couldn't deny having a soft spot for the confused and heartbroken man in front of him. If he hadn't been so fond of Vince, he might have sabotaged Gideon's memory loss spell. In the end, Gideon and Howard were better off apart, but it was hard to see Howard so devastated.
Howard drained the glass.
"So, I'll go... somewhere," Howard announced as he stood up, "Thanks, Naboo. I know you don't really understand, but... thank you."
Naboo shrugged and watched Howard walk away, looking lost and dejected. His phone beeped with an incoming text. It was Vince saying he was on his way.
"One thing, though," Howard licked his lips nervously, "I don't really understand... I didn't remember being, well, intimate with Vince, but I remembered his friendship. I don't remember anything about the other women."
"It's a tricky spell and it takes a while to kick in. You ran into Vince before your memories disappeared. Apparently, you remembered enough to write yourself a little note as well," Naboo explained.
Howard looked thoughtful. Vince's face went from confusion, to understanding, to shock to embarrassment in a matter of seconds.
"Why did you...?" Vince trailed off and kicked at the ground like a child.
"Why did I what?" Howard asked gently, "I don't want any more secrets between us."
Vince looked at Naboo who offered him another shrug.
"Naboo sent me a text, telling me to come to his kiosk right away," Vince explained, "That's why I ran into you."
Howard asked Naboo if he'd intentionally bungled the spell. Naboo said yes.
"Well, um, thank you, sir. I suppose you've been helpful," Howard said, "Soooo... I guess we'll see you around."
Vince started to follow Howard out of the room, but hesitated.
"Naboolio?" It wasn't really a question, but Naboo knew the answer.
"I like you, Vince," Naboo explained, "but, I did it for him. Howard's got no idea how to be happy, and I was sick of listening to him whine about it. Was able to buy this shop off his counseling fees though..."
Vince smiled, "Cheers, Naboo. You're a gem."
Vince was all but bouncing as he left the room, eager to follow Howard wherever he went. Whether it was chasing Howard into Monkey Hell or watching him make a cup of Darjeeling, everything was an adventure for Vince if he was with his beloved Howard. Howard didn't know how to be happy, but Vince sure did.
Naboo had been hearing about "Precious" for over a year when she finally arrived at the Zooniverse. After Tommy disappeared under mysterious circumstances (and no one bothered to check the Jungle Room), teenaged Howard was suddenly one of the most experienced and knowledgeable zoo keepers on board. Fossil was still convinced Naboo was a mute based on the one time he'd tried to talk to Naboo while he was wearing headphones and listening to Tusk, so he felt free sharing all his deepest fears and feelings with the shaman. He expressed his creepy love and hero worship for Bambridge, how he was intimidated by Howard's knowledge of 'the furry people we keep in cages' and his need to keep anyone from actually questioning Tommy's disappearance. Like most people, Naboo knew Tommy was in the Jungle Room. He frequently brought the nutter cheese and listened to his songs that only made sense when you were deep in the Juju. Naboo liked Tommy, but the guy was a menace. Only guilt-stricken Howard, who blamed himself for failing to keep tabs on his eccentric mentor, was sorry to see Tommy lose control of the zoo. Fossil and Bambridge were idiots, but at least they didn't have creepy cheeseheads that put everyone off their dinner.
Fossil allowed Howard to hire Vince for the purpose of keeping Howard occupied.
"Howard likes ladies with boy parts," Fossil explained, "If he has Vince around, he won't notice I'm running this zoo into the ground with my extreme incompetence. Hey, Naboo? Would you like to hear a little song I wrote? Well, too bad! We didn't get a choice in 'Nam! 'NAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM! Oh, look. There's the rest of my sandwich. It fell into my shirt and lodged between my man boobs..."
Naboo had figured out "Precious" was a man the first time Howard mentioned "her". He was high, not stupid, but he was still surprised by Vince Noir. He'd had an image of a pretty boy with girlish features, and demure personality. Howard described his "Precious" as the opposite of the girls he normally fancied (and who crushed him under their sensible heels).
Vince arrived with black hair (streaked with red), dressed like Madonna in the eighties, had a nose like a boxer, and his first words to Naboo were, "Oi! What are you lookin' at?" He seemed like more of a rough trick Howard had picked up off a street corner than the innocent "Precious" that Howard loved, but could not commit to. Over time, it became apparent that Vince was more bark than bite, but after he'd established himself as someone not to be "fucked with", he relaxed. Under his rough exterior, Vince was a gentle soul. He communicated with the animals, and his presence softened Howard (who could be a bit of a pill). Together, they joked and went on adventures, and even wrote little songs. They would have been a nauseatingly cute couple, if Howard had allowed them to be a couple. He continued to date girls, though he could never stay away from Vince for long. Gideon was the first woman to make Howard Moon faithful.
At least for a little while.