8/17/17
I know I've talked about this before, but I suffer from depression.
I hid it well for most of my life, but the events of the past 12 years have taken their toll on me.
I have many caring friends. Some understand my pain, the pain of depression. Some don't.
I doubt anyone can truly understand unless you've been their yourself. I've tried to be positive and happy. I tried to fake it until I made it, but it kills me to know I'm in a situation where I should be happy and I'm in so much emotional pain I wish I were dead. I wish I could run away from everything and disappear or die. The pain of hiding my depression from those around me because I don't want to bring them down is more than I can bear.
I know I haven't got the courage to kill myself, but I don't have the courage to live either. I'm torn apart and frozen with fear at the same time. I want so much, but am held back economically, and emotionally. It simply is too much.
I need a true break, and I'm getting one, of sorts, yet not. Limbo. Nothing has made me happy enough to make me want to live. Yet the universe won't just allow me the ultimate joy of death. I must live, most likely as a punishment for some past life sin.
I'm just not well.