11/17/17
Okay, my life is a mess.
I’m sitting at work, doing taste testing, when I should be home helped my roommate pack the house up because the foreclosure went through and we have until December 6 to vacate. We’re moving to Virginia Beach to temporarily live with a friend of mine, until we can both get re-established into society.
I’m broke, barely $800 dollars in the bank and will need most of that to rent a truck to move. I’ve got a lot of packing to do, and have been pushing myself and having chest pains. I know my heart is going to give out soon, I just wish it would do it before I move. I’m not one who relishes a challenging situation. I hate challenges. I hate struggle. Just because I can get through something difficult doesn’t mean I want to.
So I’m sitting here thinking about all the stuff I have to do and trying to make sense of it. My mind is blank most of the time. It isn’t that I don’t use my mind, it just is blank-no thoughts, nothing. White space. Not daydreaming, more like nothing.
I’m overwhelmed by all that has happened. I’m trying to process it, but I can’t. I need to be helping Ryan, but I’m not and that is wrong. I’m putting too much on him. And doing anything at this point is wrong. I can’t function in society. I am not functioning. It’s a complete shutdown coming.
Too much stress. Too much pressure. I just wish my heart would finally stop. I know that’s selfish, but I’m a selfish man. I literally don’t know what to do first.