(no subject)
Christmas is coming and we're not going to be together this year.
The thought brings me to tears.
I've tried day in and day out to get you out of my mind. It works sometimes. I've become a master at ignoring my emotions. It helps to make the problems go away but only temporarily, as I have found. I thought that I could make it through without you. I woke up every day telling myself things would be alright. I'm a strong person and I could make it through this. I had each and every person in my life convinced that I was progressing and doing better. But, I can't lie anymore. I can't lie to myself and tell myself that I don't miss you. I do.
With time things get easier. I know that. But with time comes distance and it makes me nervous to think that such a long time apart will impair our ability to ever be together again. You've hurt me alot in this project of disassembling us that you've been working on. I'd be willing to forgive and forget completely if you told me you loved me and never wanted to be apart from me again.
It's not fair that I go to bed nightly wishing you were laying next to me. It's not fair that I have to wake up in the morning alone all because somehow someway you think this would be better for us. It's not fair that my opinion wasn't included in this drastic decision. I'm forced to sit and grin and bare it and lie to the world with the smile that I keep on my face. You made me a liar.
So, I came up with this master plan shortly after the great divide. I primped and dieted and tried to make myself perfect in order for you to realize what you gave up. I hoped to make you jealous by going on dates and acting real happy. I got no result. I was lost and didn't know what move to make next. You treated me like absolute shit. I was in the biggest hole that I'd ever been in my whole entire life. My world was swept from under my feet and even thinking about what happened that day brought me into a total meltdown. But I know that regardless of all that shit, I love you, because if you ever said to me.. "Danielle, I've made the biggest mistake of my life and I need you." I'd be right here with open arms and an open heart. No questions asked.
I have no where to turn now. There's nothing I can do. After I chose not to communicate with you at all, life was a little bit easier. I ignored every emotion that came to me and just lived freely for the past 2 weeks. It worked, let me tell you. But you kept contacting me for the most retarded reasons. You made it impossible for me to forget about you. So, I did alot of thinking this past weekend. My emotions ran rampant and I gave in. I was making progress forgetting about you, but my feelings haven't changed. I'm scared.
You'll never have any idea of the thoughts that have passed through my head because of you.
My thought process lead me to a couple options.
A) I could keep you out of my life completely. Let go of any feelings and memories I've held onto over the past 3 years and start a new.
B) I could give into this friendship bullshit you've tried and failed. I put myself at risk of you being a shitty friend again and my heart being shattered.
Let's be realistic. Choice A is impossible. We both know that I'm incapable of letting go of everything we had. I can ignore it but only for so long. And as for erasing every memory, we don't live in the Matrix so as much as I could hope for being cured of you, we also know this is unrealistic.
Choice B is the only actual option I have. I'm nervous. It sucks to think that the one person I trusted my life with, is now someone who I have to question myself on even relying on them for a friendship.
This situation we're in is the worst most difficult we've ever been through in my opinion. I'm not sure I'll ever get you back. I'm not sure that through out all of this, I'll ever be okay again. I'm afraid that as time goes by, we'll grow apart and this friendship that you speak of will only be an excuse.
But, what the fuck.
I don't think things could get any worse than they are right now. So in reality, I have nothing to lose.
Love always,
Danielle