LOCKED OUT
First I have to say I’m locked out of my own damn journal.
I’ve forgotten the password and the webpage for LJ is not working where it can retrieve or reset the password for me. Thankfully, an old version of the app is still on my phone and this account is logged in. Updating with my thumbs right now.
I have so much to write but I’ll only say what was on the top of my head while I was laying down (still awake at 5 fucking AM).
I wonderful thing happened this week. I was updating UWS Debbie on my mom, and I added that “I’m no longer taking it personally. It has nothing to do with me. It is all her, her narcissistic disorder, and she would’ve mowed down anybody in her path.” Debbie was a very proud of me in that moment that I was able to conclude that minus her pushing me that way.
For most of my life, I’ve always had friends who were older than me, or I would spend a lot of time having conversations with older people. Thinking back now, it was older cousins in college when I was still in high school, upper class men who are still my very good friends to this day, and there was a moment I spent my afternoons in my godmother’s office after school hanging out there. I just put two and two together now that those visiting sessions stopped when she started to ghost me and she stopped spending time in her office when school would let out. I would go to her side of the campus and after maybe 3 visits and she wasn’t there I gave up and found other activities for the afternoon. But I’m sure back then she thought I was weird and needed friends my own age.
Sidetrack moment. I came on here to write about my mom.
Well talking to Debbie was on Thursday. On Friday, Emily & Jeff come to Riverside VSV to visit me (yaaaaay! Customers without borders!) and Emily shared that her father had NPD just like my mom. We both agreed that it’s nothing personal against us and though it was painful then, we can fix it now as adults and decide not to let it hurt us, because we can understand now that it’s not a personal attack - they are just fucked up in the head.
So last I saw my mom was this year in February in the Philippines. She was being a brat, didn’t hug me goodbye, and was her typical immature self “just leave me alone forever and you’ll never hear from me until I’m already dead. If I ever contact you again it’ll only be about financial affairs and I don’t ever want to be in contact with you.” Dead serious she said that. She always says that when she’s mad. Filipino or catholic Moms say that a lot to guilt their children.
So what do you know, she messaged me on Facebook to reach out to say her boyfriend died and she wants to return to the US. I just said wow I’m sorry and then she ghosts me. She loves to ghost me. A few months later she reaches out again asking what’s going on in NYC. I’m not falling for it. There is really only a 5% open window chance here. It’s like the doors are shut, and I’ll answer the door, but you don’t get to come in unless invited. It’s the only way I can keep sane these days. My sisters and cousins back me up. She’s fine now where she is with my aunt watching her every move.
I just need this incredible year to end. It was so much action, drama, happiness, ups and downs, and wow I’m exhausted and ready to start the new year, the next phase.