fic: tell me we both matter
tell me we both matter
pg-13; yukio+rin (or yukio/rin)
warnings: mentions of violence and a relationship that could be interpreted as a little bit incestuous (twincestuous? idek) or otherwise; nothing explicit.
summary: You can't remember a day in your life that you haven't woken up before him.
notes: for an animated series about a bunch of kids trying to kill the devil, this one's giving me a lot of feelings, and i am still in the process of working them off...
And you think you are fine, always fine, maybe not better than, given the circumstances, but just about there.
Never mind that your father died just days ago and your brother stood drenched in his blood; never mind that your life is a shadow of what it used to be, never mind all--any--of that.
-
He kisses your forehead when he thinks you're asleep. For all his edge and tetchiness, he was always the more affectionate one. It was stupid, you'd thought, when you'd grown out of hiding behind him and holding his hand. From the eyes of an exorcist, you'd come to see it as a fatal flaw.
He thinks he's doing you a favour, coddling you like he used to because he thinks you need it. He doesn't know that you haven't needed in years, or maybe he does but that thought is even worse.
He's all, I'm your big brother this and Listen to your big brother that and, you want to scream, Stop it, Rin, and send the honorific to hell just this once. He's barely got minutes on you and in your world, there are bigger things at stake, momentous enough that mere minutes shouldn't count.
-
You kiss him on the mouth when you think he's asleep, hardly a touch, experimental. You could say that there is no feeling behind it but it is what it is.
Like this, in the middle of the night, with his eyes shut and hair tame, he could be your reflection.
It could've been easier, you think, being alone. It might have even worked out for you if you had only loved yourself half as much.
-
He stretches out beside you in the morning, cat-like, and suddenly, you can't remember a day in your life that you haven't woken up before him. Of course, there must have been one, early on; maybe just the first.
He mumbles something incoherent and grabs at your shirt, holds it tight, a beat too long. He could be dreaming and, for a second, you try and picture a demon's dream.
(No. No. No.
You try and picture your brother's.)
You think to push him away but you halt the thought right there.
It would be easier, being alone. Also, just a little unbearable.
-
This is fucked up, he says over dinner one day, laughing, always laughing.
Your father is dead and your brother is being hunted by every army imaginable. You're losing your sanity (and maybe also your humanity) day by day but that's the least of the concerns around here.
What part of it, you want to ask. All of it, of course, should be the answer.
Look at us, he says, twirls ramen around his chopsticks.
I'm going away for a few days, you say out of nowhere. Staff conference, an added afterthought.
It's a lie, but just one more won't really matter anymore. The truth is that you need to get away from here, from this. You can't protect anything without your head on straight. Instead, you'll just screw it up without even knowing, all of it gone until it's too late. And maybe between the two of you, Rin is the better teacher after all.
He frowns at your news but that's about it. Stay safe, yeah? I can't protect you forever, four-eyes. He scratches the back of his head but it's enough to betray him. It's only because you know him the way you know him that you think of how it must have hurt him, learning to accept that.
(You don't think of how, when you turn it around, you can't and won't ever accept the same.)
I will, you say, with your smile in place.
It's not all there but there's enough, enough.
pg-13; yukio+rin (or yukio/rin)
warnings: mentions of violence and a relationship that could be interpreted as a little bit incestuous (twincestuous? idek) or otherwise; nothing explicit.
summary: You can't remember a day in your life that you haven't woken up before him.
notes: for an animated series about a bunch of kids trying to kill the devil, this one's giving me a lot of feelings, and i am still in the process of working them off...
And you think you are fine, always fine, maybe not better than, given the circumstances, but just about there.
Never mind that your father died just days ago and your brother stood drenched in his blood; never mind that your life is a shadow of what it used to be, never mind all--any--of that.
-
He kisses your forehead when he thinks you're asleep. For all his edge and tetchiness, he was always the more affectionate one. It was stupid, you'd thought, when you'd grown out of hiding behind him and holding his hand. From the eyes of an exorcist, you'd come to see it as a fatal flaw.
He thinks he's doing you a favour, coddling you like he used to because he thinks you need it. He doesn't know that you haven't needed in years, or maybe he does but that thought is even worse.
He's all, I'm your big brother this and Listen to your big brother that and, you want to scream, Stop it, Rin, and send the honorific to hell just this once. He's barely got minutes on you and in your world, there are bigger things at stake, momentous enough that mere minutes shouldn't count.
-
You kiss him on the mouth when you think he's asleep, hardly a touch, experimental. You could say that there is no feeling behind it but it is what it is.
Like this, in the middle of the night, with his eyes shut and hair tame, he could be your reflection.
It could've been easier, you think, being alone. It might have even worked out for you if you had only loved yourself half as much.
-
He stretches out beside you in the morning, cat-like, and suddenly, you can't remember a day in your life that you haven't woken up before him. Of course, there must have been one, early on; maybe just the first.
He mumbles something incoherent and grabs at your shirt, holds it tight, a beat too long. He could be dreaming and, for a second, you try and picture a demon's dream.
(No. No. No.
You try and picture your brother's.)
You think to push him away but you halt the thought right there.
It would be easier, being alone. Also, just a little unbearable.
-
This is fucked up, he says over dinner one day, laughing, always laughing.
Your father is dead and your brother is being hunted by every army imaginable. You're losing your sanity (and maybe also your humanity) day by day but that's the least of the concerns around here.
What part of it, you want to ask. All of it, of course, should be the answer.
Look at us, he says, twirls ramen around his chopsticks.
I'm going away for a few days, you say out of nowhere. Staff conference, an added afterthought.
It's a lie, but just one more won't really matter anymore. The truth is that you need to get away from here, from this. You can't protect anything without your head on straight. Instead, you'll just screw it up without even knowing, all of it gone until it's too late. And maybe between the two of you, Rin is the better teacher after all.
He frowns at your news but that's about it. Stay safe, yeah? I can't protect you forever, four-eyes. He scratches the back of his head but it's enough to betray him. It's only because you know him the way you know him that you think of how it must have hurt him, learning to accept that.
(You don't think of how, when you turn it around, you can't and won't ever accept the same.)
I will, you say, with your smile in place.
It's not all there but there's enough, enough.