Blow away the ash, part seven.
A few weeks pass without incident.
Zuko is eating, sparsely but regularly, and whilst he still looks thin, he doesn't look quite as ill as he had begun to. He warms up to Sokka again after apologising for having yelled, and Sokka is gracious and accepting. They are sitting together one evening in Zuko's new bedroom, in a different wing of the palace, when Zuko surprises him by broaching the topic of sex.
"Have you had sex, Sokka?" he asks plainly. Sokka blinks.
"Uh, yeah, I have."
There is a pause, while Sokka gathers the words for what to say next.
"Have- I mean, other than- Azula-"
"No."
"You and Mai didn't…?" Sokka says sensitively.
"No," Zuko replies, "We never had sex. We never even slept in the same bed. She wanted to, but I… I just couldn't. Especially because I was still in the bedroom I'd been in for all of my childhood, in the bed that Azula…" he swallows, "Azula had abused me in. I just couldn't deal with it. I started to freak out any time Mai and I got even slightly intimate. She just thought I was having the nerves and guilt of a virgin," he ends, slightly venomously towards himself. He looks up from his lap, "You and Suki?"
Sokka grins in remembrance.
"Yeah, we did, and it was great. Obviously, things didn't work out between me and her, but we had a good time and really enjoyed being with one another, both our company and our bodies. That's what sex should be about, Zuko. It's great if it's out of love, but it can be just about fun and pleasure too."
Zuko is silent. Sokka knows that it's because sex has never been for love nor fun with Zuko, and the physical pleasure that it brought was heavy with guilt. He kneels in front of Zuko, reaching up a hand to caress his cheek softly, looking into his eyes. Zuko looks back steadily, trusting Sokka's touch. Sokka leans forward and kisses Zuko lovingly, slowly and gently. Zuko slides his arms over Sokka's shoulders and kisses back willingly, opening like a flower. Sokka breaks back, and looks intently at the prince.
"Do you trust me?" he asks.
"Yes," Zuko whispers in reply.
"I want to have sex with you." Sokka tells him. It's not something he would say in this situation with anyone else, but he feels that here and now, with Zuko, is no time for spontaneity or euphemisms. He needs Zuko to feel safe and in control, knowing every moment what is happening.
"I want to have sex with you too," Zuko replies quietly, not taking his eyes off Sokka.
Sokka carefully slips his arms around Zuko and picks him up, carrying him from his chair to the bed on the other side of the room. Sokka then climbs up after him, kneeling in front of him. The lights are low, and the air in the room is pleasantly warm. Sokka begins to undress himself slowly. He lets his hair down, pulls off his tunic, and then unfastens his trousers, sliding them off his hips. His body is slim and muscled, his brown skin smooth. He sits naked in front of Zuko, his chest rising and falling with every steady breath. Zuko looks at the other boy's body, drinking him in, then with slightly trembling hands begins to remove his own clothes.
He is awkward and ashamed, keeping his arms pressed to his sides after he's removed his top, in an attempt to hide the burns high up on the undersides of his arms, and Sokka can tell from the hitch in his breath that he's holding in his stomach, even though it's almost concave. He slides his trousers off, and Sokka has to stop himself from wincing at the littering of burn scars all over Zuko's pale thighs. They look raw, aggravated, and Sokka suspects that Zuko scratches and picks at them when he's upset. He looks at Zuko's penis, in a crown of dark pubic hair, lying flaccid between his legs, and he hates that the existence of sex and the human anatomy, two things that should always be beautiful, can be poisoned in the way they have been for Zuko.
Zuko lies down, his eyes half closed. Sokka reaches out a hand to Zuko's upper body.
"Can I-" he asks tentatively. Zuko swallows, then nods. "Just tell me if you want me to stop," Sokka whispers, then places his hand against Zuko's face. He leans over to kiss the scarred tissue around his eye, then begins to work kisses down the prince's body. He brushes his lips against Zuko's adam's apple, then his prominent collar bone. He runs his fingers softly over Zuko's ribs, swirling patterns around the protrusions. He kisses Zuko's stomach, sucking ever so gently, and Zuko gasps, causing Sokka to look up.
"Okay?" Sokka murmurs.
"Yes, yes," Zuko whispers. "I like it."
Sokka continues, running a hand down Zuko's side, pausing where his waist dips in then rises again at his hipbones. He moves his head to graze his lips over Zuko's thighs, giving each scar a kiss. He can feel Zuko's muscles tense up, and Sokka knows that Zuko's not comfortable with Sokka being so close to his crotch. Sokka wriggles upwards so that he is face to face with Zuko again. Zuko looks pale and anxious, and Sokka's frowns in concern, places a quick kiss on Zuko's lips, his eyes open.
"Are you alright, Zuko?" he asks, "We can stop and just sleep, if you want to."
"No," Zuko murmurs lowly, shaking his head, "I want you, Sokka. I want you right now… but I want… I…" He struggles to get the words out.
"C'mon, it's okay," Sokka encourages, "What do you want?" Zuko shuts his eyes, gulps, and then says,
"When I was with Azula, she wanted to control me. I don't want it to be like that."
"It won't be like that," Sokka tells him earnestly, pressing a kiss to Zuko's neck.
"I want to be in charge."
Sokka understands. He holds Zuko's gaze, and then stretches out slowly.
"Oh, Sokka," Zuko murmurs.
"Take me," Sokka replies. Zuko moves so that he is kneeling on all fours over Sokka, leaning down to kiss him hungrily. Sokka moans, tilting his head back as Zuko begins to suck roughly on his neck. Zuko runs his hands through Sokka's hair, licking the dark, smooth skin of his neck, running his tongue over his throat. Sokka's hips jerk in reaction, and he can feel himself hardening.
"Jack me off," Zuko says breathlessly. Sokka obeys, rubbing his hand rapidly along Zuko's cock. Zuko grunts then gasps as he begins to get hard. Sokka rolls over onto his front as Zuko lowers his body on top of him. Once Zuko is wet and ready, he penetrates Sokka, who moans out, gripping handfuls of the bedsheets.
"Sokka," Zuko rasps, "Are- you- okay?"
"Yes, fuck yes, it feels good, don't stop," Sokka moans.
Zuko pumps his hips against Sokka's body, his breathing growing faster and faster, Sokka murmuring affirmative words against the pillow. Both of them yell out when Zuko comes, and as soon as Zuko rolls off onto his back, Sokka gets on top of him and kisses him gladly. They stay like this for a while, panting, before Sokka lies beside Zuko, holding his hand.
"Did you… did you enjoy that?" Sokka asks, when he's regained his breath.
"Yes," Zuko says, "Yes, I did." He looks at Sokka like he wants to say more, but says nothing else. They get under the covers together and fall asleep in the warm afterglow, still clasping hands. The moon is high in the sky outside the window, and she smiles on them happily.
*
Sokka has been living at the palace for a month now, and as Katara, Aang and Toph have lived there too, and do not know that Sokka and Zuko go to one another's rooms every night after dark, no one suspects their relationship. Zuko feels happier than he has in a long time.
Sokka is lying on Zuko's chaise lounge one evening, while Zuko sits with Sokka's head in his lap, stroking Sokka's hair. Sokka wriggles happily into a more comfortable position, and then rests one hand on top of his stomach contentedly. Zuko's eye follows the fall of his hand, and he notices for the first time that Sokka's belly is slightly swollen and rounded. Zuko doesn't mean to stare, but he must by accident, because Sokka notices where his gaze is falling and chuckles, patting his stomach lightly.
"Heh, you looking at this?" he laughs.
"Sorry," Zuko says instantly, averting his eyes. Sokka clicks his tongue fondly.
"Hey, it's okay. Living like a king and taking a break from fighting like a warrior has clearly caught up with me."
Zuko isn't really sure what to say. He isn't exactly surprised that Sokka is nonchalant and laid back about this, and part of him is jealous of the other boy being able to feel this way about his body.
"Right," he says stiffly. Sokka wriggles up into a sitting position so that he is eye to eye with Zuko.
"I just don't see it as the end of the world. I'm happy to be living here with you, I'm healthy, and I can lose the weight if I want, I just need to do a bit of exercise."
"I wish I could think like that," Zuko mutters. Sokka looks at him, his eyebrows rising a little in sympathy, and then kisses him.
"You'll get there, Zuko," Sokka promises, "We'll get you there."
"Thank you," Zuko replies quietly. He pauses for a moment, then presses his hand against Sokka's tummy lightly. Sokka smiles, and Zuko follows suit, saying, "It's nice. You're just a little soft. It's kind of comforting."
"Like when your uncle hugged you, when you were little," Sokka suggests. Zuko laughs, and raises an eyebrow.
"You're not quite like my uncle, Sokka. Not yet, at least."
"He's an inspiration," Sokka grins, "When I'm an old man, I intend to be very fat."
"Oh?"
"Yep. Fat, jolly old man. That'll be me."
"Well, you're already jolly… and, ahem… guess you just need to work on being old," Zuko teases.
"Oh! Oh, is that so?" Sokka says in mock-outrage, puffing up his chest, "I'll show you, you beanpole-" He begins to tickle Zuko mercilessly, and the prince laughs until he can barely breathe, and ends up lying across Sokka, his head rested on his tummy, smiling from ear to ear.
*