(no subject)
Thur. Nov. 13th; early afternoon
I thought things would be less busy after the fencing tournament, but I'm still pretty swamped.
[Private]
Of course, apart from not fencing every day, I have all the other activities going.
The sessions with Professor Snape are... progressing, I guess is one way of putting it. Merlin! I never knew there could be so much to it. He's told me so much, about things that I could never have imagined that people could even do to each other. How do people come up with these things? I mean, like getting a hand inside someone? Although it sounds strangely hot, like the ultim... There were other things too, like using ropes and other things for bondage, using clamps, dripping hot candle wax, peeing on someone... So many strange things, and not all of them interesting at all. Then again, how can I know if I like or dislike something before I have tried it?
He tied me up. Over his desk... and it felt so good. Very thrilling. And he dribbled melted wax over my arse and back too. That was weird. Very nice feeling though, a mix of hot-cold, and then there was that build-up of endorphins. It made me feel almost drunk, and so very horny.
I like kneeling next to him when he's done with me. I feel safe and calm. It feels.. I don't know how to explain it, but it feels as if it's the right thing, as if I belong there, on the floor next to him. I just wish I didn't make mistakes and had to be punished. I feel bad about it... I just don't want to disappoint him, or disobey. I want to be perfect for him.
Speaking of making mistakes. I thought I had made one last night, with Blaise. He was so soft, so gentle, licking and nibbling and kissing all over my body. And it made me feel a bit insecure I guess. It's the way he does it, just to please me, to make me feel good. I suppose it's just that I'm not used to it, but something inside me says that it's wrong. I'm the one supposed to do that to him. And then he doesn't want anything in return... no touches, no pleasure... and I don't know how to react, what to do. He made me feel special, and I couldn't take it. I wish I could have, but... I told him that it made me a bit... scared, insecure. So we fell asleep instead. I guess I ruined the mood by being honest.
Then I woke up in the middle of the night after one of those awful nightmares. It started with the one about François, it was that dream, everything the same. The feelings, the words, the laughter, the rejection, the pain... all the same. Only, this time it wasn't François, it was Blaise. It was Blaise rejecting me, making me feel all broken and torn up.
And I woke up, and realised that... Fuck, it's no crush. I can't hide from it anymore. Even though I promised myself, swore that I would never again fall in love, I did. And I can't let Blaise find out. Never. If I do, he'll leave. He won't want to see me again, and I can't deal with that. I want him, so I must hide how I feel.
Maybe it was a bad thing, but while I was awake after the nightmare, I wanted to kiss him, so badly. No, I didn't. I would never break his trust like that. I know that he doesn't want to kiss me. I placed a kiss on my fingertips and then pressed them to his lips. Like I could somehow, I don't know, transfer it like that. It's such a silly thing to do, so... ridiculous, but it felt right then. Sometimes it hurts so much, knowing that I won't ever be able to kiss him.
Like I kissed Draco on Tuesday morning. That was a very nice fuck too... We keep saying that it's been too long. I doubt we'll let as long pass until next time. I love seeing him let go, being all open and vulnerable under me as I fuck him. He's such a Hedonist. And a good friend... Perhaps... He's one of the few people I can be myself with, or very close anyway. We have much in common.
I should continue on that essay for Professor Snape.
[/Private]
I thought things would be less busy after the fencing tournament, but I'm still pretty swamped.
[Private]
Of course, apart from not fencing every day, I have all the other activities going.
The sessions with Professor Snape are... progressing, I guess is one way of putting it. Merlin! I never knew there could be so much to it. He's told me so much, about things that I could never have imagined that people could even do to each other. How do people come up with these things? I mean, like getting a hand inside someone? Although it sounds strangely hot, like the ultim... There were other things too, like using ropes and other things for bondage, using clamps, dripping hot candle wax, peeing on someone... So many strange things, and not all of them interesting at all. Then again, how can I know if I like or dislike something before I have tried it?
He tied me up. Over his desk... and it felt so good. Very thrilling. And he dribbled melted wax over my arse and back too. That was weird. Very nice feeling though, a mix of hot-cold, and then there was that build-up of endorphins. It made me feel almost drunk, and so very horny.
I like kneeling next to him when he's done with me. I feel safe and calm. It feels.. I don't know how to explain it, but it feels as if it's the right thing, as if I belong there, on the floor next to him. I just wish I didn't make mistakes and had to be punished. I feel bad about it... I just don't want to disappoint him, or disobey. I want to be perfect for him.
Speaking of making mistakes. I thought I had made one last night, with Blaise. He was so soft, so gentle, licking and nibbling and kissing all over my body. And it made me feel a bit insecure I guess. It's the way he does it, just to please me, to make me feel good. I suppose it's just that I'm not used to it, but something inside me says that it's wrong. I'm the one supposed to do that to him. And then he doesn't want anything in return... no touches, no pleasure... and I don't know how to react, what to do. He made me feel special, and I couldn't take it. I wish I could have, but... I told him that it made me a bit... scared, insecure. So we fell asleep instead. I guess I ruined the mood by being honest.
Then I woke up in the middle of the night after one of those awful nightmares. It started with the one about François, it was that dream, everything the same. The feelings, the words, the laughter, the rejection, the pain... all the same. Only, this time it wasn't François, it was Blaise. It was Blaise rejecting me, making me feel all broken and torn up.
And I woke up, and realised that... Fuck, it's no crush. I can't hide from it anymore. Even though I promised myself, swore that I would never again fall in love, I did. And I can't let Blaise find out. Never. If I do, he'll leave. He won't want to see me again, and I can't deal with that. I want him, so I must hide how I feel.
Maybe it was a bad thing, but while I was awake after the nightmare, I wanted to kiss him, so badly. No, I didn't. I would never break his trust like that. I know that he doesn't want to kiss me. I placed a kiss on my fingertips and then pressed them to his lips. Like I could somehow, I don't know, transfer it like that. It's such a silly thing to do, so... ridiculous, but it felt right then. Sometimes it hurts so much, knowing that I won't ever be able to kiss him.
Like I kissed Draco on Tuesday morning. That was a very nice fuck too... We keep saying that it's been too long. I doubt we'll let as long pass until next time. I love seeing him let go, being all open and vulnerable under me as I fuck him. He's such a Hedonist. And a good friend... Perhaps... He's one of the few people I can be myself with, or very close anyway. We have much in common.
I should continue on that essay for Professor Snape.
[/Private]