(no subject)
Title: Touch Me And I'm Going To Scream
Pairing: GRi(JiyongxSeungri)
Rating: R
Genre: angst, romance
Word count: 4638
Summary: Seungri can hear the underlying "Leave me alone. You're annoying. I don't want to see you." in his voice. Seungri ignores the sting in his chest that comes with it.
A/N: written as a remix of vvipforseungri's "Hurricane" for kpop_ficmix 2011. :)
Seungri walks out into the living room just as Jiyong is fumbling between whatever he is looking for in his pockets and putting on his shoes.
"Be right back, I'm going out to smoke with TOP hyung," Jiyong says to him right as he takes out his pack of cigarettes.
"You two are awfully close lately," Seungri jokes as Jiyong tries to fish out the last cigarette from the pack.
"It's nothing," Jiyong snaps, overly defensive, as he finally wriggles it free. Seungri gives him a sidelong glance as he awkwardly shuffles out of the way.
"Sorry," Seungri apologizes, afraid he may have crossed a line. Jiyong stops trying to put on his shoes for a second and looks up.
"For what?" he asks.
"I don't know." Seungri shrugs. "You sounded mad."
"I'm not mad." And Jiyong sounds even more defensive as he finishes tying his shoes and stomps out of their apartment.
___________________
Every morning Seungri tries to make Jiyong breakfast. He figures that if he's making something for himself, he'll spare himself Jiyong's bitching about being nauseous and make him something too. Besides, it's just a simple way to show his appreciation for his hyung.
Sometimes it's the whole nine yards, if Seungri has enough time. Sometimes Seungri frowns as he has to leave Jiyong some fruit and a note because the last time Seungri left him left overs wrapped up it sat in the fridge for a whole month.
Today Seungri decides on eggs. He's just taken them off the burner when he hears Jiyong stumble into the kitchen and throw his body onto the table, half awake. When Seungri turns around, Jiyong is resting his head on his crossed arms, eyes closed. Seungri sets the plate down in front of him and Jiyong sits up, slowly but surely.
"Thanks," he mumbles and it doesn't sound like he's thankful at all. Seungri doesn't mind though. He believes Jiyong is thankful. He made the eggs just how he knows Jiyong likes them, over-easy. Jiyong wouldn't bother if they were overdone.
Seungri sits across from him with his own plate. He watches Jiyong stir the eggs around on his plate for slowly taking a few bites, seemingly uninterested in them.
Jiyong eats about half of his eggs before leaving. Seungri doesn't mind that Jiyong doesn't eat all of them because he's learned not to expect a lot from Jiyong in the morning. Besides Jiyong has a busy schedule. It's not like he has much time to eat anyway.
___________________
"Hey hyung, wanna get some lunch" Seungri asks as he catches Jiyong leaving the studio. He thinks that maybe a nice meal could ease Jiyong's over worked mind.
"Nah, not hungry," Jiyong says and it sounds innocent enough but Seungri can hear the underlying "Leave me alone. You're annoying. I don't want to see you." in his voice. Seungri ignores the sting in his chest that comes with it.
"Oh, ok." Seungri backs off, not wanting to hear Jiyong snap at him.
"Bye," Jiyong says flippantly, like he's only saying it because he has to, not because he wants to.
"Bye," Seungri parrots him sadly.
Seungri watches him go, standing awkwardly in the empty hallway between the studios and offices. He watches until he sees a figure appear next to Jiyong who makes him instantly perk up.
"Hey you ready to go to lunch?" Seungri recognizes Seunghyun's deep voice.
"Yeah." Seungri swears he can see Jiyong smiling.
And then they leave, together. It feels like a slap in the face.
Couldn't have Jiyong just said "No, I'm going with Top hyung"? He didn't have to lie, Seungri would have understood. Does he think Seungri would have wanted to join them and ruin their lunch or something? Seungri only would have gone if they had asked him, he wouldn't have invited himself, he's not that rude.
Seungri just sighs and forces himself to forget about it. Pushes down the bubble forming in his throat. He will just have to eat lunch alone.
_________________
Youngbae and Daesung are in the van first, early as always. Jiyong is next, followed by Seungri. Youngbae and Daesung are both sitting in the very back on opposite ends. Seungri really hates the middle back seat so he takes his chance and sits next to Jiyong in the middle of the van. Jiyong scowls at him as he sits, and Seungri pretends like he doesn't notice. He doesn't want to notice.
Seunghyun arrives dead last, always late. He's forced to take the back middle seat. Seungri hears Daesung's whiny, "Hyung" as Seunghyun squeezes himself between the middle seat and Daesung's legs. Seunghyun just laughs as he plops himself down.
"You should switch with hyung," Jiyong says to Seungri before the van can take off.
"Why?" Seungri asks.
"Because. He's your hyung," Jiyong reasons but it's not good enough for Seungri. The memory of Jiyong ditching him for Seunghyun is still all too fresh in his mind.
"But he was here last!" Seungri argues, pent up anger helping him stand his ground. Jiyong sighs, angry.
"Just do it, maknae," Jiyong demands and Seungri feels a little put off. Jiyong never calls him "maknae" like that, like it's an insult. Seungri tries not to let it sting.
"No," Seungri says, defiant. Jiyong puffs a sigh through his nostrils.
"You're such a fucking brat," Jiyong says as he crosses his arms and turns to look out the window as the van takes off, the opportunity to switch seats gone.
"And you're getting mad over nothing, hyung," Seungri retorts under his breath. Jiyong is acting like a child and Seungri isn't going to put up with it, not this time.
"It's not nothing!" Jiyong yells and Seungri knows a whole lot more insults and curses are about to come his way when someone speaks up from the back.
"Jiyong."
It's Seunghyun who says it. It's enough to make Jiyong back off.
Seungri turns back to look at him, not sure if he should say thanks or ask how. He settles for nothing and just turns back around and faces out his own window. He doesn't want to know how.
_______________
"Have you seen Jiyong?" Seunghyun asks.
"No, not today. He left before me this morning. I don't even know his schedule," Seungri lies. He remembers how he read both their schedules this morning, and how Jiyong didn't even bother to acknowledge Seungri making breakfast. Jiyong is at a meeting. Seunghyun doesn't really need to know that.
"Oh." Seunghyun frowns. "Well, could you tell him I'm looking for him?"
Seungri wants to say "no" but settles for, "Sure, hyung." And he smiles.
Seunghyun thanks him and leaves.
When he's gone, Seungri turns back to the mirrors surrounding him in the dance studio. He doesn't look like a liar, right? Who cares if Seunghyun is looking for Jiyong, they don't need to see each other right now. Jiyong has work to do.
Seungri turns the stereo back on and forces himself to forget about it.
___________________
Seungri doesn't know why everyone is gathered here like this. Crammed into the YG cafeteria with the buzz of various conversations surrounding him. He just knows that Jiyong had something important to tell all of them and of course Seungri wouldn't be absent.
When Jiyong finally arrives, it's together with Seunghyun. Seungri feels confused when he sees that Seunghyun isn't already in the crowd. Jiyong clears his throat, bringing everyone's attention to them.
"Ah, we've brought everyone here because--"
We?
"We wanted to tell you. We're... dating," Jiyong says as he grabs Seunghyun's hand. Seunghyun turns to him and smiles.
The room erupts into "aw"'s and cheers. Youngbae hugs the both of them. Chaerin and Dara simultaneously coo. Bom smiles and hits Seunghyun playfully on the arm saying that she is prettier than Jiyong. Dongwook ruffles both of their heads. Daesung cheers the loudest out of everyone.
And then it hits Seungri, just like that. All this time, for months and for years maybe-
He's been in love with Jiyong.
The constant pain in his chest, the way he's been acting, it all makes sense.
And it hurts.
Jiyong and Seunghyun stand there, so happy, so proud of themselves. Everyone around them acts the same, everyone except for Seungri who just sits there dumbly. When Jiyong catches his gaze there's a flash of anger like "why aren't you happy for me?" Seungri averts his eyes as quickly as possible.
He stands then, because he can't bear to be in the same room as them. He can't stop noticing how closely they stand together, how their fingers intertwine, the way they lean on each other. All the things Seungri was too blind to see before. They're too close. It makes Seungri uneasy. He needs to leave.
"Congratulations," Seungri says with a forced smile. They both smile back at him until their attention is diverted and then Seungri quickly slips through the crowd and out the door.
Once outside, his realizations catch up with him again. The pain in his chest is like a burning that makes its way all the way up to the backs of his eyes. Fuck, he can't cry now, not here. But he doesn't even make it ten steps before hot tears spill from his eyes, blurring his vision.
Seungri chokes back his sobs, not wanting anyone to hear him, to see him like this. It's embarrassing, to love someone you know who will never love you back. Absolutely humiliating.
________________
As if struggling with the turmoil of unrequited love isn't enough, Seungri hears them one night because they're not really that careful about having sex in an apartment with another person in it.
He doesn't know what's worse, the fact that Jiyong's moans woke him up or the fact that it turns him on. Jiyong moans like there is no one else on the planet to hear him. Seungri seriously wonders if he woke anyone else up in the surrounding apartments.
The rattling of his bed makes it to Seungri's ears and he's caught between arousal and anger. He wants Jiyong to make those noises for him, wants to be the one to make his bed shake with the force of their lovemaking. But he focuses on listening to someone else doing those things because he can't lie about the tent in his boxers.
When Seungri touches himself, it's quick and skilled because he wants to catch up. He wants to come when Jiyong does. It's not the same and it never will be, but it's the best Seungri can do. He's already close just thinking about it.
The sounds across the apartment get even louder and faster, a speed that Seungri matches with his hand. He's almost there, he could finish at anytime but holds out for Jiyong, waiting for the right moment.
Jiyong finally finishes with a loud cry and the name "Seunghyun" screamed from his lips. Seungri pretends it's his name, that Jiyong is reaching pleasure because of him, and comes silently into his hand and all over the inside of his boxers.
When the high is over, Seungri feels incredibly dirty. The realization hits him that he just masturbated to his hyungs having sex. Seungri groans, ignoring his own self-loathing thoughts as he cleans himself with his already soiled boxers, tosses them off the bed, and tries to go back to sleep.
The next morning Seunghyun awkwardly joins them for breakfast and Jiyong looks guilty. Seunghyun doesn't look the same since he only ever has one grumpy emotion in the morning.
Seungri ignores them the best he can but every time he catches a glimpse of Jiyong's face he can't help but remember his echoed cries from the night before. Seungri just bites his lips and tries to will the thought of Jiyong's pleasured face to go away.
Seungri doesn't bother with breakfast just to get out of the apartment that much faster.
______________
The set lights are abnormally warm on Seungri's face. He faces a giant camera standing in front of an audience as the host of whichever show they're on rattles on about their activities. Seungri feels incredibly apathetic to it all.
"Seungri-sshi," The host grabs his attention.
"Yes," Seungri answers, hoping for an easy question.
"Out of all the hyungs, who is your favorite?" The crowd oohs and Seungri lets out a nervous giggle. On the inside it's more like a pathetic sob.
"It's hard to say," Seungri lies because the first name that came to mind was Jiyong's but he wouldn't say that.
"You have to pick someone!" The host puts him on the spot. Seungri knows he can't just shy out of this one, so he gathers all of his courage and forces a name out of his overly dry mouth.
"G-Dragon hyung," he says. The audience cheers and Seungri looks over at Jiyong who's smiling. Jiyong has always liked attention. It's then that a sharp anger floods Seungri's senses. Jiyong has no right to feel so happy. He doesn't deserve Seungri's praise. "But," Seungri starts and everyone goes silent.
"But?" The host leads him on.
"G-dragon hyung seems to prefer TOP hyung these days," Seungri says and he sees Jiyong's smile falter just a bit and a careful, warning look begin to form in his eyes.
"Oh is that so?"
"Yes! They spend all their time together!" Seungri laughs and gestures to them, forcing the spotlight onto both of them. "They eat together, hang out together, they even walk Gaho together!" Seungri claims outrageously, forcing the audience to laugh. Under Jiyong's smile is murderous intent.
"Like a couple!" The host adds and the crowd gasps and cheers. Seungri just smiles.
"No, no no," Jiyong says with a laugh. "It's not like that!" he disputes.
Seungri watches as Jiyong is thrown to the wolves, struggling to defend himself and Seunghyun to the host and the crowd. He tries to turn it into a joke but it's too late, everyone already has the mindset of Jiyong and Seunghyun being a couple. It gives Seungri a bit of evil satisfaction to have the upper hand for once.
The host eventually saves Jiyong, cutting their bit short. Their appearance is over and they all scatter backstage.
"Seungri-yah," Youngbae says, catching Seungri off-guard. "Why did you say those things?"
"Why not?" Seungri shrugs, acting like he doesn't know any better.
Youngbae sighs. "You know why."
Youngbae is too passive aggressive for his own good, he doesn't phase Seungri in the slightest.
Seungri leaves the studio on his own, deciding to meet up with some of his friends for the rest of the evening. He's on top of the world and could care less about the consequences of his actions.
When he returns much later that night, late enough that he hopes Jiyong is asleep, Jiyong is waiting for him on the living room couch.
"Where were you?" he asks. Seungri shakes off his initial startle and offers Jiyong a shrug and tries to retreat to his room, Jiyong is up and blocking the way in a second flat.
"Hyung," Seungri warns, not interested in Jiyong's mind games right now.
"I asked you a question. Where were you?" Jiyong repeats.
"You don't own me, hyung," Seungri argues and tries to push past an unmoving Jiyong.
"No, but I'm your leader," Jiyong says and Seungri isn't going to let him pull the leader card.
"Doesn't mean I can't hang out with friends," Seungri argues.
"I called and texted you. We need to talk," Jiyong says. Seungri knows Jiyong's trying to make him feel guilty. Seungri doesn't want to talk.
"I didn't get them." Seungri shrugs and tries to move forward again.
"No, talk to me," Jiyong begins to plead, blocking Seungri again. Seungri can tell he wants something, but he sighs.
"What?"
"Why did you say those things today? About me and hyung?" Jiyong asks.
"Why not? It was just a joke," Seungri reasons. At least he tried to pass it off as a joke at the time.
"It was not!" Jiyong explodes, his patience gone. "You were trying to start shit!" he accuses.
Seungri scoffs. "No I wasn't."
"Yes you were! You don't like that me and hyung are together, don't you?!" Jiyong yells at him, jabbing his finger into Seungri's chest. Seungri isn't sure what's bothering him more, the jabbing or the lump in his throat.
"I don't care if you are or aren't," Seungri lies.
"You lying piece of shit." Jiyong shoves him. Seungri stumbles back on his feet. It hurts, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jiyong's words.
Seungri chokes back the tears that are threatening to come out. He waits for Jiyong's next move, too afraid to try to run and hide in his room another time. Instead he brushes himself off, tries to act like he's unhurt, physically or mentally.
"You really piss me off, you know that." Jiyong shakes his head, looking down at Seungri as he says it, like Seungri is beneath him in every way.
"Fuck you," Seungri snaps, fed up.
"Don't fucking talk to me that way," Jiyong shouts, standing tall over Seungri.
"No, I'm sick of this shit---."
"Sick of what? Of watching two people be in a happy relationship?" Jiyong throws his hands up dramatically, like he's daring Seungri to challenge him.
"You! I'm sick of you!"
"What did I ever do to you?"
It's the most infuriating question Seungri has ever heard.
"I fucking heard you!" Seungri screams, shaking with anger. "I heard you! And hyung!" he repeats.
Jiyong just stands there confused for a few seconds. "You what?"
"I heard you having sex! And you don't care! You don't care that I heard!" Seungri screams again, tears threatening to fall from his eyes.
"Seungri I--." Jiyong looks somewhere between mortified and guilty before he adverts his eyes from Seungri's.
"I'm sick of you treating me like shit and then flaunting your relationship in front of me. It's not fair!" He puffs out an incredulous laugh before the tears begin to slide down his cheeks, his resolve broken. "It's not fair," he mumbles between sobs.
Seungri can't stand it at this point, can't stand to be in the same room as Jiyong, so he runs away. He runs out of the apartment with only his shoes and the clothes on his back. No wallet, no cell phone, nothing.
When he gets outside it's raining bad, bad enough for Seungri to be drenched in a few minutes as he wanders aimlessly down the city streets, not really sure of where he's going. It's late and dark and cold and Seungri is already shivering because he's pretty sure his jeans are already soaked through.
When he finally stops he doesn't know where he is at all and sure as fuck doesn't know how to get back. There isn't a soul around to help him nor is there a sign of an open cafe or business in sight. He doesn't even see a street sign.
Seungri sinks down near the edge of a building, his clothes feeling too heavy for him to stand anymore, his body shaking too much to go on. It's so cold and he feels so stupid. He tries to curl into himself to preserve some warmth but it doesn't help. He's shivering, cold, crying, and alone and the rain isn't showing any signs of stopping.
Seungri stays there until he blacks out, his mind and body reaching an overwhelming point of exhaustion.
When he wakes up he's in the hospital. Or at least it looks and smells like one, Seungri is too out of it to be sure. The first person he sees is a nurse who says something about him being awake and then rushes out of the room. His head, his body feels like it's filled with lead. Seungri doesn't even know if he can lift his arms. Even his eyelids feel heavy.
He sees the image of a doctor and a nurse rushing to him before he blacks out again.
Seungri wakes up again, several hours later, in a coughing fit. It's dark now, the lights in the room are dim. Everything is quiet aside from the whirr of machines next to his bedside.
How the hell did he end up here?
"His fever is still really high--." Seungri hears conversation off in the distance. When his eyes focus a bit more he can make out two figures standing in the open door of his hospital room. He recognizes one of them is obviously a doctor, but the second...
"So he's going to be okay?" It's Jiyong and Seungri's heart sinks into his stomach all over again. But then he's angry, angry that Jiyong is here acting like he cares. As far as Seungri's concerned, Jiyong has no right to care.
The doctor leaves and Seungri watches as Jiyong walks into his room. Seungri meets Jiyong's surprised eyes with a glare.
"You're awake," he states. Seungri remains silent. "You had us worried," he continues, sounding more like he's trying to make conversation instead of being actually concerned.
"No I didn't," Seungri rasps, sparing himself Jiyong's bullshit.
Jiyong sighs. "I've been doing nothing but fucking staying night and day at this goddamn hospital and you--!"
"Oh sorry, do you want a medal?"
"No, I--"
"You what? Want me to congratulate you on you finally showing me some compassion now that I'm in a hospital bed?" Seungri nearly shouts, his voice straining from the effort. His throat is sore and burning. Jiyong sighs again.
"Stop acting like I don't care about you," Jiyong says and he does sound truly hurt. Seungri's resolve falters for just a second and he wants to apologize and comfort Jiyong because that's what he's used to. His feelings shouldn't matter right now because Jiyong is hurting. Seungri barely escapes the ache in his heart.
"You don't," Seungri says instead, plain and simple. Jiyong hangs his head low and Seungri sees the remorse written all over his body. It would be so easy for Seungri to apologize, he knows. He's already practicing an apology in his head. He would say how sorry he is and that he'll never do this again and he hates making Jiyong worry, but he doesn't.
"Then why am I here?" Jiyong asks to no one in particular, scoffing. Seungri barely catches his mumbling.
"Because you feel guilty."
Jiyong silently storms out of the room at that. Seungri isn't sure if he's won or lost. He's not sure that either of them have.
__________
Seungri lies in bed at home, sick with a cold and committed to bed rest. No one really comes to visit him aside from Youngbae, who easily falls into the role of a mother hen to Seungri.
"Do you need anything?" Youngbae asks from the door frame.
"No, hyung. Thanks," Seungri says for what he's sure is the millionth time. He has to force a smile when he says it because Youngbae has asked that at least five times in the past fifteen minutes.
"Oh, okay," Youngbae says again before he quietly slips back into the living room.
Seungri hears the front door open followed by Youngbae's greeting. Whoever it is doesn't reply and it doesn't take a genius to know it's Jiyong. There are another pair of oddly clunky footsteps following him. Jiyong and Seunghyun then.
Youngbae slips into his room again after a few moments, shutting the door gently as he does.
"He's in a bad mood," Youngbae comments and moves to sit at Seungri's bedside.
"Not even you can fix it?" Seungri questions.
"He doesn't listen to me anymore." Youngbae sighs. Seungri can see the hurt in his eyes.
"He doesn't listen to anyone." Seungri snorts.
"Hey, Seungri," Youngbae starts and Seungri knows Youngbae is either about to give him a speech or ask something really personal. "What did you and Jiyong fight about that made you run away?" The latter.
"Well." Seungri sighs. "I was just tired of him treating me like shit," Seungri half admits, not ready to say how he let his stupid feelings get in the way of his better judgment.
"So you ran away?" Youngbae gives him a judging glance, like he doesn't believe Seungri.
Seungri sighs. "Yes."
Youngbae continues to give him that look, and Seungri can't stand the pressure, not from Youngbae.
"And well, maybe... it's a bit more complicated than that," Seungri confesses. Youngbae leans in to listen.
"Seungri," Youngbae murmurs and grabs Seungri's hand, rubbing the fingers with his thumb as a comforting gesture. It's enough to make Seungri start to cry. He can't, he can't keep up the facade anymore of being stronger than actually he is. It hurts too much.
"I... I love him," Seungri admits. Youngbae gives his hand a gentle squeeze.
Seungri grabs a tissue not covered in snot and wipes his eyes hurriedly, really not wanting to cry any longer. The tears keep spilling out regardless. Youngbae shushes him, trying to comfort Seungri as best as he can.
"Does he know?"
"Probably. I haven't told him but Jiyong isn't stupid." Seungri says as he soaks up the last of his tears with the well used tissue.
"Do you want a hug?" Youngbae offers.
"No, don't want you to get sick."
"I don't care about that." Without asking again, Youngbae leans in and hugs Seungri who starts crying all over again. He's not used to this sort of kindness. "Don't cry."
Seungri just softly sobs as Youngbae holds him.
___________________
"Do you even see what you're doing to him Jiyong?!"
"I'm not doing anything to him!"
Seungri wakes up to shouting and stomping from across the apartment. He groans and tries to roll over but the conversation from down the hall still reaches his ears.
"You're breaking his damn heart!"
Is that Youngbae swearing? What are they arguing about? Seungri listens closer.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"He's in love with you!"
Seungri's eyes crack open and he sits up, flings his body forward. Panic brings him fully awake and it's silent, deathly silent. There's no noise, no movement that he can hear anymore. Seungri can't bear to hear Jiyong's next words but can't seem to wait for them either.
"I don't give a shit."
And then a door slams.
Seungri's heart sinks into his stomach and the tears well up so fast that he nearly throws up.
It's not like he didn't know, it's not like the way Jiyong treats him isn't a clue, but it still hurt to hear it. The words seep into his ears and bury into his heart like needles, prickling every time Seungri repeats Jiyong's words in his head.
He doesn't get any more sleep that night.
___________________
Seungri doesn't allow himself to be gone from schedules for long. A cold doesn't really get you out of work these days, not in this industry. And there certainly aren't any sick days for a broken heart.
He smiles for the cameras and plays nice when needed, but the pain never really goes away. It transitions from a sharp sting to a dull ache every time he has to see Jiyong and act like nothing is wrong.
No one questions Seungri's motive for moving into his own unit down the hall. Seungri moves all his stuff by himself. Things he can't move like his bookshelf and his bed he hires people to move for him. It's torture trying to live with someone who hates you. Even worse when that someone has a perfectly happy life far from your own. Seungri couldn't put himself up to that sort of life anymore.
It's almost pathetic to feel happier alone than with someone you care about when Seungri thinks about it.
so damn, this fic spiraled out of control from the original. haha. sooorrryyyy vvipforseungri. after reading other remixes this seems more like a completely different fic, huh? maybe a bit of a counter part but not so much a remix. I think I got too caught up in the build up for seungri's actions while writing it. anyway, comments and criticisms loved~
also I might turn customed comment pages back on... lj made everything ugly and hard to use :C
Pairing: GRi(JiyongxSeungri)
Rating: R
Genre: angst, romance
Word count: 4638
Summary: Seungri can hear the underlying "Leave me alone. You're annoying. I don't want to see you." in his voice. Seungri ignores the sting in his chest that comes with it.
A/N: written as a remix of vvipforseungri's "Hurricane" for kpop_ficmix 2011. :)
Seungri walks out into the living room just as Jiyong is fumbling between whatever he is looking for in his pockets and putting on his shoes.
"Be right back, I'm going out to smoke with TOP hyung," Jiyong says to him right as he takes out his pack of cigarettes.
"You two are awfully close lately," Seungri jokes as Jiyong tries to fish out the last cigarette from the pack.
"It's nothing," Jiyong snaps, overly defensive, as he finally wriggles it free. Seungri gives him a sidelong glance as he awkwardly shuffles out of the way.
"Sorry," Seungri apologizes, afraid he may have crossed a line. Jiyong stops trying to put on his shoes for a second and looks up.
"For what?" he asks.
"I don't know." Seungri shrugs. "You sounded mad."
"I'm not mad." And Jiyong sounds even more defensive as he finishes tying his shoes and stomps out of their apartment.
___________________
Every morning Seungri tries to make Jiyong breakfast. He figures that if he's making something for himself, he'll spare himself Jiyong's bitching about being nauseous and make him something too. Besides, it's just a simple way to show his appreciation for his hyung.
Sometimes it's the whole nine yards, if Seungri has enough time. Sometimes Seungri frowns as he has to leave Jiyong some fruit and a note because the last time Seungri left him left overs wrapped up it sat in the fridge for a whole month.
Today Seungri decides on eggs. He's just taken them off the burner when he hears Jiyong stumble into the kitchen and throw his body onto the table, half awake. When Seungri turns around, Jiyong is resting his head on his crossed arms, eyes closed. Seungri sets the plate down in front of him and Jiyong sits up, slowly but surely.
"Thanks," he mumbles and it doesn't sound like he's thankful at all. Seungri doesn't mind though. He believes Jiyong is thankful. He made the eggs just how he knows Jiyong likes them, over-easy. Jiyong wouldn't bother if they were overdone.
Seungri sits across from him with his own plate. He watches Jiyong stir the eggs around on his plate for slowly taking a few bites, seemingly uninterested in them.
Jiyong eats about half of his eggs before leaving. Seungri doesn't mind that Jiyong doesn't eat all of them because he's learned not to expect a lot from Jiyong in the morning. Besides Jiyong has a busy schedule. It's not like he has much time to eat anyway.
___________________
"Hey hyung, wanna get some lunch" Seungri asks as he catches Jiyong leaving the studio. He thinks that maybe a nice meal could ease Jiyong's over worked mind.
"Nah, not hungry," Jiyong says and it sounds innocent enough but Seungri can hear the underlying "Leave me alone. You're annoying. I don't want to see you." in his voice. Seungri ignores the sting in his chest that comes with it.
"Oh, ok." Seungri backs off, not wanting to hear Jiyong snap at him.
"Bye," Jiyong says flippantly, like he's only saying it because he has to, not because he wants to.
"Bye," Seungri parrots him sadly.
Seungri watches him go, standing awkwardly in the empty hallway between the studios and offices. He watches until he sees a figure appear next to Jiyong who makes him instantly perk up.
"Hey you ready to go to lunch?" Seungri recognizes Seunghyun's deep voice.
"Yeah." Seungri swears he can see Jiyong smiling.
And then they leave, together. It feels like a slap in the face.
Couldn't have Jiyong just said "No, I'm going with Top hyung"? He didn't have to lie, Seungri would have understood. Does he think Seungri would have wanted to join them and ruin their lunch or something? Seungri only would have gone if they had asked him, he wouldn't have invited himself, he's not that rude.
Seungri just sighs and forces himself to forget about it. Pushes down the bubble forming in his throat. He will just have to eat lunch alone.
_________________
Youngbae and Daesung are in the van first, early as always. Jiyong is next, followed by Seungri. Youngbae and Daesung are both sitting in the very back on opposite ends. Seungri really hates the middle back seat so he takes his chance and sits next to Jiyong in the middle of the van. Jiyong scowls at him as he sits, and Seungri pretends like he doesn't notice. He doesn't want to notice.
Seunghyun arrives dead last, always late. He's forced to take the back middle seat. Seungri hears Daesung's whiny, "Hyung" as Seunghyun squeezes himself between the middle seat and Daesung's legs. Seunghyun just laughs as he plops himself down.
"You should switch with hyung," Jiyong says to Seungri before the van can take off.
"Why?" Seungri asks.
"Because. He's your hyung," Jiyong reasons but it's not good enough for Seungri. The memory of Jiyong ditching him for Seunghyun is still all too fresh in his mind.
"But he was here last!" Seungri argues, pent up anger helping him stand his ground. Jiyong sighs, angry.
"Just do it, maknae," Jiyong demands and Seungri feels a little put off. Jiyong never calls him "maknae" like that, like it's an insult. Seungri tries not to let it sting.
"No," Seungri says, defiant. Jiyong puffs a sigh through his nostrils.
"You're such a fucking brat," Jiyong says as he crosses his arms and turns to look out the window as the van takes off, the opportunity to switch seats gone.
"And you're getting mad over nothing, hyung," Seungri retorts under his breath. Jiyong is acting like a child and Seungri isn't going to put up with it, not this time.
"It's not nothing!" Jiyong yells and Seungri knows a whole lot more insults and curses are about to come his way when someone speaks up from the back.
"Jiyong."
It's Seunghyun who says it. It's enough to make Jiyong back off.
Seungri turns back to look at him, not sure if he should say thanks or ask how. He settles for nothing and just turns back around and faces out his own window. He doesn't want to know how.
_______________
"Have you seen Jiyong?" Seunghyun asks.
"No, not today. He left before me this morning. I don't even know his schedule," Seungri lies. He remembers how he read both their schedules this morning, and how Jiyong didn't even bother to acknowledge Seungri making breakfast. Jiyong is at a meeting. Seunghyun doesn't really need to know that.
"Oh." Seunghyun frowns. "Well, could you tell him I'm looking for him?"
Seungri wants to say "no" but settles for, "Sure, hyung." And he smiles.
Seunghyun thanks him and leaves.
When he's gone, Seungri turns back to the mirrors surrounding him in the dance studio. He doesn't look like a liar, right? Who cares if Seunghyun is looking for Jiyong, they don't need to see each other right now. Jiyong has work to do.
Seungri turns the stereo back on and forces himself to forget about it.
___________________
Seungri doesn't know why everyone is gathered here like this. Crammed into the YG cafeteria with the buzz of various conversations surrounding him. He just knows that Jiyong had something important to tell all of them and of course Seungri wouldn't be absent.
When Jiyong finally arrives, it's together with Seunghyun. Seungri feels confused when he sees that Seunghyun isn't already in the crowd. Jiyong clears his throat, bringing everyone's attention to them.
"Ah, we've brought everyone here because--"
We?
"We wanted to tell you. We're... dating," Jiyong says as he grabs Seunghyun's hand. Seunghyun turns to him and smiles.
The room erupts into "aw"'s and cheers. Youngbae hugs the both of them. Chaerin and Dara simultaneously coo. Bom smiles and hits Seunghyun playfully on the arm saying that she is prettier than Jiyong. Dongwook ruffles both of their heads. Daesung cheers the loudest out of everyone.
And then it hits Seungri, just like that. All this time, for months and for years maybe-
He's been in love with Jiyong.
The constant pain in his chest, the way he's been acting, it all makes sense.
And it hurts.
Jiyong and Seunghyun stand there, so happy, so proud of themselves. Everyone around them acts the same, everyone except for Seungri who just sits there dumbly. When Jiyong catches his gaze there's a flash of anger like "why aren't you happy for me?" Seungri averts his eyes as quickly as possible.
He stands then, because he can't bear to be in the same room as them. He can't stop noticing how closely they stand together, how their fingers intertwine, the way they lean on each other. All the things Seungri was too blind to see before. They're too close. It makes Seungri uneasy. He needs to leave.
"Congratulations," Seungri says with a forced smile. They both smile back at him until their attention is diverted and then Seungri quickly slips through the crowd and out the door.
Once outside, his realizations catch up with him again. The pain in his chest is like a burning that makes its way all the way up to the backs of his eyes. Fuck, he can't cry now, not here. But he doesn't even make it ten steps before hot tears spill from his eyes, blurring his vision.
Seungri chokes back his sobs, not wanting anyone to hear him, to see him like this. It's embarrassing, to love someone you know who will never love you back. Absolutely humiliating.
________________
As if struggling with the turmoil of unrequited love isn't enough, Seungri hears them one night because they're not really that careful about having sex in an apartment with another person in it.
He doesn't know what's worse, the fact that Jiyong's moans woke him up or the fact that it turns him on. Jiyong moans like there is no one else on the planet to hear him. Seungri seriously wonders if he woke anyone else up in the surrounding apartments.
The rattling of his bed makes it to Seungri's ears and he's caught between arousal and anger. He wants Jiyong to make those noises for him, wants to be the one to make his bed shake with the force of their lovemaking. But he focuses on listening to someone else doing those things because he can't lie about the tent in his boxers.
When Seungri touches himself, it's quick and skilled because he wants to catch up. He wants to come when Jiyong does. It's not the same and it never will be, but it's the best Seungri can do. He's already close just thinking about it.
The sounds across the apartment get even louder and faster, a speed that Seungri matches with his hand. He's almost there, he could finish at anytime but holds out for Jiyong, waiting for the right moment.
Jiyong finally finishes with a loud cry and the name "Seunghyun" screamed from his lips. Seungri pretends it's his name, that Jiyong is reaching pleasure because of him, and comes silently into his hand and all over the inside of his boxers.
When the high is over, Seungri feels incredibly dirty. The realization hits him that he just masturbated to his hyungs having sex. Seungri groans, ignoring his own self-loathing thoughts as he cleans himself with his already soiled boxers, tosses them off the bed, and tries to go back to sleep.
The next morning Seunghyun awkwardly joins them for breakfast and Jiyong looks guilty. Seunghyun doesn't look the same since he only ever has one grumpy emotion in the morning.
Seungri ignores them the best he can but every time he catches a glimpse of Jiyong's face he can't help but remember his echoed cries from the night before. Seungri just bites his lips and tries to will the thought of Jiyong's pleasured face to go away.
Seungri doesn't bother with breakfast just to get out of the apartment that much faster.
______________
The set lights are abnormally warm on Seungri's face. He faces a giant camera standing in front of an audience as the host of whichever show they're on rattles on about their activities. Seungri feels incredibly apathetic to it all.
"Seungri-sshi," The host grabs his attention.
"Yes," Seungri answers, hoping for an easy question.
"Out of all the hyungs, who is your favorite?" The crowd oohs and Seungri lets out a nervous giggle. On the inside it's more like a pathetic sob.
"It's hard to say," Seungri lies because the first name that came to mind was Jiyong's but he wouldn't say that.
"You have to pick someone!" The host puts him on the spot. Seungri knows he can't just shy out of this one, so he gathers all of his courage and forces a name out of his overly dry mouth.
"G-Dragon hyung," he says. The audience cheers and Seungri looks over at Jiyong who's smiling. Jiyong has always liked attention. It's then that a sharp anger floods Seungri's senses. Jiyong has no right to feel so happy. He doesn't deserve Seungri's praise. "But," Seungri starts and everyone goes silent.
"But?" The host leads him on.
"G-dragon hyung seems to prefer TOP hyung these days," Seungri says and he sees Jiyong's smile falter just a bit and a careful, warning look begin to form in his eyes.
"Oh is that so?"
"Yes! They spend all their time together!" Seungri laughs and gestures to them, forcing the spotlight onto both of them. "They eat together, hang out together, they even walk Gaho together!" Seungri claims outrageously, forcing the audience to laugh. Under Jiyong's smile is murderous intent.
"Like a couple!" The host adds and the crowd gasps and cheers. Seungri just smiles.
"No, no no," Jiyong says with a laugh. "It's not like that!" he disputes.
Seungri watches as Jiyong is thrown to the wolves, struggling to defend himself and Seunghyun to the host and the crowd. He tries to turn it into a joke but it's too late, everyone already has the mindset of Jiyong and Seunghyun being a couple. It gives Seungri a bit of evil satisfaction to have the upper hand for once.
The host eventually saves Jiyong, cutting their bit short. Their appearance is over and they all scatter backstage.
"Seungri-yah," Youngbae says, catching Seungri off-guard. "Why did you say those things?"
"Why not?" Seungri shrugs, acting like he doesn't know any better.
Youngbae sighs. "You know why."
Youngbae is too passive aggressive for his own good, he doesn't phase Seungri in the slightest.
Seungri leaves the studio on his own, deciding to meet up with some of his friends for the rest of the evening. He's on top of the world and could care less about the consequences of his actions.
When he returns much later that night, late enough that he hopes Jiyong is asleep, Jiyong is waiting for him on the living room couch.
"Where were you?" he asks. Seungri shakes off his initial startle and offers Jiyong a shrug and tries to retreat to his room, Jiyong is up and blocking the way in a second flat.
"Hyung," Seungri warns, not interested in Jiyong's mind games right now.
"I asked you a question. Where were you?" Jiyong repeats.
"You don't own me, hyung," Seungri argues and tries to push past an unmoving Jiyong.
"No, but I'm your leader," Jiyong says and Seungri isn't going to let him pull the leader card.
"Doesn't mean I can't hang out with friends," Seungri argues.
"I called and texted you. We need to talk," Jiyong says. Seungri knows Jiyong's trying to make him feel guilty. Seungri doesn't want to talk.
"I didn't get them." Seungri shrugs and tries to move forward again.
"No, talk to me," Jiyong begins to plead, blocking Seungri again. Seungri can tell he wants something, but he sighs.
"What?"
"Why did you say those things today? About me and hyung?" Jiyong asks.
"Why not? It was just a joke," Seungri reasons. At least he tried to pass it off as a joke at the time.
"It was not!" Jiyong explodes, his patience gone. "You were trying to start shit!" he accuses.
Seungri scoffs. "No I wasn't."
"Yes you were! You don't like that me and hyung are together, don't you?!" Jiyong yells at him, jabbing his finger into Seungri's chest. Seungri isn't sure what's bothering him more, the jabbing or the lump in his throat.
"I don't care if you are or aren't," Seungri lies.
"You lying piece of shit." Jiyong shoves him. Seungri stumbles back on his feet. It hurts, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jiyong's words.
Seungri chokes back the tears that are threatening to come out. He waits for Jiyong's next move, too afraid to try to run and hide in his room another time. Instead he brushes himself off, tries to act like he's unhurt, physically or mentally.
"You really piss me off, you know that." Jiyong shakes his head, looking down at Seungri as he says it, like Seungri is beneath him in every way.
"Fuck you," Seungri snaps, fed up.
"Don't fucking talk to me that way," Jiyong shouts, standing tall over Seungri.
"No, I'm sick of this shit---."
"Sick of what? Of watching two people be in a happy relationship?" Jiyong throws his hands up dramatically, like he's daring Seungri to challenge him.
"You! I'm sick of you!"
"What did I ever do to you?"
It's the most infuriating question Seungri has ever heard.
"I fucking heard you!" Seungri screams, shaking with anger. "I heard you! And hyung!" he repeats.
Jiyong just stands there confused for a few seconds. "You what?"
"I heard you having sex! And you don't care! You don't care that I heard!" Seungri screams again, tears threatening to fall from his eyes.
"Seungri I--." Jiyong looks somewhere between mortified and guilty before he adverts his eyes from Seungri's.
"I'm sick of you treating me like shit and then flaunting your relationship in front of me. It's not fair!" He puffs out an incredulous laugh before the tears begin to slide down his cheeks, his resolve broken. "It's not fair," he mumbles between sobs.
Seungri can't stand it at this point, can't stand to be in the same room as Jiyong, so he runs away. He runs out of the apartment with only his shoes and the clothes on his back. No wallet, no cell phone, nothing.
When he gets outside it's raining bad, bad enough for Seungri to be drenched in a few minutes as he wanders aimlessly down the city streets, not really sure of where he's going. It's late and dark and cold and Seungri is already shivering because he's pretty sure his jeans are already soaked through.
When he finally stops he doesn't know where he is at all and sure as fuck doesn't know how to get back. There isn't a soul around to help him nor is there a sign of an open cafe or business in sight. He doesn't even see a street sign.
Seungri sinks down near the edge of a building, his clothes feeling too heavy for him to stand anymore, his body shaking too much to go on. It's so cold and he feels so stupid. He tries to curl into himself to preserve some warmth but it doesn't help. He's shivering, cold, crying, and alone and the rain isn't showing any signs of stopping.
Seungri stays there until he blacks out, his mind and body reaching an overwhelming point of exhaustion.
When he wakes up he's in the hospital. Or at least it looks and smells like one, Seungri is too out of it to be sure. The first person he sees is a nurse who says something about him being awake and then rushes out of the room. His head, his body feels like it's filled with lead. Seungri doesn't even know if he can lift his arms. Even his eyelids feel heavy.
He sees the image of a doctor and a nurse rushing to him before he blacks out again.
Seungri wakes up again, several hours later, in a coughing fit. It's dark now, the lights in the room are dim. Everything is quiet aside from the whirr of machines next to his bedside.
How the hell did he end up here?
"His fever is still really high--." Seungri hears conversation off in the distance. When his eyes focus a bit more he can make out two figures standing in the open door of his hospital room. He recognizes one of them is obviously a doctor, but the second...
"So he's going to be okay?" It's Jiyong and Seungri's heart sinks into his stomach all over again. But then he's angry, angry that Jiyong is here acting like he cares. As far as Seungri's concerned, Jiyong has no right to care.
The doctor leaves and Seungri watches as Jiyong walks into his room. Seungri meets Jiyong's surprised eyes with a glare.
"You're awake," he states. Seungri remains silent. "You had us worried," he continues, sounding more like he's trying to make conversation instead of being actually concerned.
"No I didn't," Seungri rasps, sparing himself Jiyong's bullshit.
Jiyong sighs. "I've been doing nothing but fucking staying night and day at this goddamn hospital and you--!"
"Oh sorry, do you want a medal?"
"No, I--"
"You what? Want me to congratulate you on you finally showing me some compassion now that I'm in a hospital bed?" Seungri nearly shouts, his voice straining from the effort. His throat is sore and burning. Jiyong sighs again.
"Stop acting like I don't care about you," Jiyong says and he does sound truly hurt. Seungri's resolve falters for just a second and he wants to apologize and comfort Jiyong because that's what he's used to. His feelings shouldn't matter right now because Jiyong is hurting. Seungri barely escapes the ache in his heart.
"You don't," Seungri says instead, plain and simple. Jiyong hangs his head low and Seungri sees the remorse written all over his body. It would be so easy for Seungri to apologize, he knows. He's already practicing an apology in his head. He would say how sorry he is and that he'll never do this again and he hates making Jiyong worry, but he doesn't.
"Then why am I here?" Jiyong asks to no one in particular, scoffing. Seungri barely catches his mumbling.
"Because you feel guilty."
Jiyong silently storms out of the room at that. Seungri isn't sure if he's won or lost. He's not sure that either of them have.
__________
Seungri lies in bed at home, sick with a cold and committed to bed rest. No one really comes to visit him aside from Youngbae, who easily falls into the role of a mother hen to Seungri.
"Do you need anything?" Youngbae asks from the door frame.
"No, hyung. Thanks," Seungri says for what he's sure is the millionth time. He has to force a smile when he says it because Youngbae has asked that at least five times in the past fifteen minutes.
"Oh, okay," Youngbae says again before he quietly slips back into the living room.
Seungri hears the front door open followed by Youngbae's greeting. Whoever it is doesn't reply and it doesn't take a genius to know it's Jiyong. There are another pair of oddly clunky footsteps following him. Jiyong and Seunghyun then.
Youngbae slips into his room again after a few moments, shutting the door gently as he does.
"He's in a bad mood," Youngbae comments and moves to sit at Seungri's bedside.
"Not even you can fix it?" Seungri questions.
"He doesn't listen to me anymore." Youngbae sighs. Seungri can see the hurt in his eyes.
"He doesn't listen to anyone." Seungri snorts.
"Hey, Seungri," Youngbae starts and Seungri knows Youngbae is either about to give him a speech or ask something really personal. "What did you and Jiyong fight about that made you run away?" The latter.
"Well." Seungri sighs. "I was just tired of him treating me like shit," Seungri half admits, not ready to say how he let his stupid feelings get in the way of his better judgment.
"So you ran away?" Youngbae gives him a judging glance, like he doesn't believe Seungri.
Seungri sighs. "Yes."
Youngbae continues to give him that look, and Seungri can't stand the pressure, not from Youngbae.
"And well, maybe... it's a bit more complicated than that," Seungri confesses. Youngbae leans in to listen.
"Seungri," Youngbae murmurs and grabs Seungri's hand, rubbing the fingers with his thumb as a comforting gesture. It's enough to make Seungri start to cry. He can't, he can't keep up the facade anymore of being stronger than actually he is. It hurts too much.
"I... I love him," Seungri admits. Youngbae gives his hand a gentle squeeze.
Seungri grabs a tissue not covered in snot and wipes his eyes hurriedly, really not wanting to cry any longer. The tears keep spilling out regardless. Youngbae shushes him, trying to comfort Seungri as best as he can.
"Does he know?"
"Probably. I haven't told him but Jiyong isn't stupid." Seungri says as he soaks up the last of his tears with the well used tissue.
"Do you want a hug?" Youngbae offers.
"No, don't want you to get sick."
"I don't care about that." Without asking again, Youngbae leans in and hugs Seungri who starts crying all over again. He's not used to this sort of kindness. "Don't cry."
Seungri just softly sobs as Youngbae holds him.
___________________
"Do you even see what you're doing to him Jiyong?!"
"I'm not doing anything to him!"
Seungri wakes up to shouting and stomping from across the apartment. He groans and tries to roll over but the conversation from down the hall still reaches his ears.
"You're breaking his damn heart!"
Is that Youngbae swearing? What are they arguing about? Seungri listens closer.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"He's in love with you!"
Seungri's eyes crack open and he sits up, flings his body forward. Panic brings him fully awake and it's silent, deathly silent. There's no noise, no movement that he can hear anymore. Seungri can't bear to hear Jiyong's next words but can't seem to wait for them either.
"I don't give a shit."
And then a door slams.
Seungri's heart sinks into his stomach and the tears well up so fast that he nearly throws up.
It's not like he didn't know, it's not like the way Jiyong treats him isn't a clue, but it still hurt to hear it. The words seep into his ears and bury into his heart like needles, prickling every time Seungri repeats Jiyong's words in his head.
He doesn't get any more sleep that night.
___________________
Seungri doesn't allow himself to be gone from schedules for long. A cold doesn't really get you out of work these days, not in this industry. And there certainly aren't any sick days for a broken heart.
He smiles for the cameras and plays nice when needed, but the pain never really goes away. It transitions from a sharp sting to a dull ache every time he has to see Jiyong and act like nothing is wrong.
No one questions Seungri's motive for moving into his own unit down the hall. Seungri moves all his stuff by himself. Things he can't move like his bookshelf and his bed he hires people to move for him. It's torture trying to live with someone who hates you. Even worse when that someone has a perfectly happy life far from your own. Seungri couldn't put himself up to that sort of life anymore.
It's almost pathetic to feel happier alone than with someone you care about when Seungri thinks about it.
so damn, this fic spiraled out of control from the original. haha. sooorrryyyy vvipforseungri. after reading other remixes this seems more like a completely different fic, huh? maybe a bit of a counter part but not so much a remix. I think I got too caught up in the build up for seungri's actions while writing it. anyway, comments and criticisms loved~
also I might turn customed comment pages back on... lj made everything ugly and hard to use :C